(Not Quite So Much)

NOW

(Adena)

The process of dealing with the police and the medical side was actually more confusing and harder than dealing with the funeral side of it all. I had to go with Tommy to identify the body. He was certain of who Anna was but it was all a formality. Seeing my sister in the state she was - on the steel slab of a table, a sheet pulled down to just under her chin, nothing left of her life - it was numbing. Tommy warned me that the accident was pretty bad but from where I stood, the left side of her face looked okay. It was the other side that was… whatever.

I put my hand to the glass and had this sense of reality wash over me. In some sick ironic and metaphoric moment, it all seemed right to me. I had always been on the other side of the glass from Anna. Or she on the other side of the glass from me.

Tommy put his arms around me but I didn’t cry. He rambled on about the accident and that if there was any comfort it was that Anna didn’t suffer and that Anna didn’t hurt anyone else. He then told me what was going to happen next, which I completely didn’t hear. My mind flashed a memory. A memory I never knew I had. But it was me, standing at the dining room table of a house that promised a good life. There was a baby in a carrier. We were leaving to go to the doctor’s. This new baby needed to get a needle. When I got a needle, my mother would take me to get ice cream. This baby was too small for ice cream. I kind of hoped we would get ice cream still. I pulled and leaned the car seat all the way forward. This baby looked at me and she smiled, letting her binky fall from her mouth.

That was the first real moment and memory I had with my little sister. Yeah, I got to meet her at the hospital and all that, but it was so fast. Everything full of happiness and change. Me sort of shoved into a corner for a few days, which was fine.

This baby started to reach for me and then Mom came over and grabbed my arm. She pulled me, hard, and I fell to the floor. Anger in her eyes she asked me if I was stupid. Was I really that much of an idiot to pull at the seat? What if this baby fell? This baby could smash her head. This baby could die. This baby could fucking die. I started to cry.

That was just how that house worked. The slightest appearance of error was met with a slap and a slew of curse words that I never truly understood until I was older. I always thought that it was normal to be called idiot, moron, asshole, mistake… and then if Mom put the word fucking in front of it, she was extra passionate.

But Anna was gone. Gone for good now. Not in jail. Not venturing off with some guy who promised her the world but would only take her money, her body, and a piece of her soul. Not hiding to avoid another trip to rehab to wrangle in some of her wicked demons.

She was gone. Gone, gone. Dead.

Even when I went to the funeral home and sat with a kind younger looking man with a clean cut face, nice hair, and sympathetic eyes, it really didn’t crash down on me.

The guy reached across the fancy table and pushed all the brochures away and took my hand.

“Adena, do you remember me?”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s William. Billy. Bummer Billy…”

I opened my eyes wide. “Billy?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “I look a little different cleaned up, huh?”

“But you had… long hair. And dreds. And a beard. You wore a purple hemp hoodie and smoked…”

“I smoked a lot of things,” he said. “Call it a stage that lasted eight good years.”

“Now you work here?”

“Family business, Adena,” he said. “When Dad got sick, it was up to me to stand up and take this place over.”

“Your father’s sick?”

“Remission now,” Billy said. “But between the surgeries and the chemo, he’s still really out of it. He and Mom moved to Florida earlier this year. Which is good. When you’ve faced death and live around it all the time, it messes with you.”

“How did you get into this?” I asked with a smile.

“There came a time when I realized I had a chance to do something. Not having money, food, telling the same stories, wearing the same clothes, it wasn’t fun. Some of my friends were really smart and got into good colleges. So the group split up and I was lost. I asked Dad for advice and he told me to shave the lady bush off my face and cut the ropes off my head.”

I laughed. I covered my mouth. “I’m sorry…”

“No, Adena, I am. Enough about me. This is selfish and not the way this is supposed to happen.”

“Billy… William… look at my life… this is not the way this is supposed to happen.”

* * *

It sort of worked out that I knew the funeral director. He asked questions, I gave answers, and he set everything up. When cremation was brought up, I shivered. Anna had done some crappy things to me and everyone but I didn’t want her to burn for it. I pictured an actual grave site where I could visit and remind myself. Maybe someday I would have kids and they would get to a certain age of discovery and adventure and I could show them and tell them about the aunt they never met.

That’s when it started to weigh on me. The fragile eggshell had its first crack. Sitting there thinking so many sudden thoughts. First off, no kids. No man. No husband. Nothing. All I had to show for myself was a house I inherited for free and a failed bakery-slash-catering business. All thanks to Anna. Everything in my life touched on Anna.

But never again.

I touched the corners of my eyes.

“Should we take a break?” Billy asked.

“No,” I said. “Just get this done. And I don’t know how to say this without sounding rude…”

“Money,” he said. “Money is the shit part of this gig.”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll figure this out. I know your sister had problems.”

I snorted. “That’s too much credit for her.”

He nodded. “Believe me, I’ve seen her at her peak.”

“Right. Because you hung out with all the cool druggies. The ones that were willing to give my sister whatever she wanted. In exchange for… I can’t even imagine.”

Billy kept a straight face. He closed his notebook and folder. “I’ll be in touch, Adena. I promise, no matter the feelings, we’ll give her a beautiful service.”

“How much, Billy?”

He clicked a pen and wrote down a number. He spun it around. “This is everything that I have to pay. Anything extra I’ll sneak out of my pocket so my sister and parents don’t flip.”

I swallowed hard. The number he had written was way too big.

I would make it work. I’d sell some stuff. Find a quick odds and ends kind of job to make a few bucks.

I guess it turned out Anna and me really were opposites to the end…

I was good at surviving, she was good at dying.

* * *

Chloe knocked and opened the bedroom door. “Hey, babe.”

I looked back. “Can you zip me?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Anyone else here?”

“Me, Zoey, and Riley. Oh, and Tommy. He’s on the porch on the phone.”

I nodded. I was done looking at myself in the mirror. I wore a black dress and did my best to look as good as I could for a funeral. I had nobody there with me, by my side, a real family member, you know? And I knew the entire time, there would be eyes. Everyone looking, forcing a smile, then going back to their thoughts. Everyone had a bad memory of Anna and everyone had a feel so bad for her memory of me.

I skipped the viewing services and decided on just a quick funeral. Anna was going to be buried next to Aunt Beth. I wasn’t sure if Aunt Beth wanted that or not but it felt right. Aunt Beth did her best to take care of us. Plus, where else was I going to have Anna buried? The thought of her dying had crossed my mind many times but to actually live this out, that was something else.

“You look great,” Chloe said.

“Stop,” I said. “I need a drink.”

“That I can help with,” she said. “Everyone is sipping…”

“Really? You know how my sister died, right?”

“Tommy is going to drive us,” she said. “He has the SUV today. Zoey said something about a limo though. I don’t know.”

“It’s kind of sickly wrong that we’re going to get buzzed and have a police officer take us to her funeral,” I said. “I mean, when you think of… wait, did you say limo?”

“Just don’t think, Adena,” Chloe said. “That’s my advice for today. Just get this over with.”

She zipped my dress and I turned around.

Chloe was beautiful in a rough way. She had messy, wannabe curly blonde hair that had been dyed too many times to count. She wore thick makeup on her face to hide all the lines, the memories, scars from being a kid and scars from mistakes as a young adult. She was tough as nails though and spoke her mind without a care.

“Let’s go have a smoke and a drink,” she said.

“I don’t smoke,” I said.

“You should today.”

“I’m good.”

Chloe slid her arms around me and hugged.

I hugged her back and cleared my throat.

Oh, we’re doing this…

“I hated her so much,” Chloe whispered. “I wanted to beat the shit out of her so many times.”

“I think we all did,” I said.

“She once took my boyfriend into a closet at a party,” Chloe said. “He was never my boyfriend again. And the shit she pulled with Evan. It’s her fault he left.”

Evan…

I felt my heart jump.

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this. If anything, Evan was probably the smart one. Leaving. Never coming back.”

Chloe backed away. “He broke your heart, Adena.”

“I broke my own heart,” I said. “It was a crush in my head that went too far.”

Chloe shook her head. “I saw the way he looked at you before.”

“Why are we talking about this?”

The thing about Chloe was that she didn’t know when to shut up. And when you stood up to her, she would either fight you or walk away pissed. I guess I was lucky since she didn’t want to fight me.

When I walked downstairs, everyone stood up. You would have sworn I was getting married or something. Everyone standing with that somber and sympathetic look in their eyes.

Leah had a flask and held it out.

I looked at it and shook my head.

Tommy came inside and adjusted his police belt. “We better get over there. Make sure everything is set up before others arrive.”

“Sounds good,” I said.

“You sure you don’t want a nip?” Riley asked. “Take the edge off?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “Let’s get this over with.”

Tommy then touched my arm. “Hey.” He was whispering. “Just, uh, wanted to let you know I heard from Andy.”

“Okay?”

“He got a call from someone. I guess news spread a little about your sister.”

“Meaning what?” I asked.

“Meaning… Evan is coming to the funeral.”

The words hit me but didn’t sink in right away. I looked down. I looked to my right.

I pointed at Leah.

“Yeah, you better give me that fucking flask right now…”