(All These Dirty Secrets)

YEARS AGO

(Evan)

Anna wanted to hold my hand. We stood out back and it was right around two in the morning. She called me to say she had a bad nightmare and needed me. I had nowhere to sleep for the night (other than my car) so I was just walking around anyway.

There was an old swing near the back of the yard. The metal was rusted but surprisingly didn’t squeak when you sat on it. Anna sat down with a cigarette and took a deep drag, staring forward, her mind way off in the distance.

She put her hand out and gave me the cigarette. She didn’t take her hand away.

“What?” I asked.

“Come sit with me,” she said. “I want to hold your hand, Evan.”

“Right,” I said.

I sat down next to her on the old swing. I put my fingers to hers and we interlocked our fingers tight. We had never really held hands like this before.

“Evan, do you feel anything right now?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re holding hands. Do you like it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you in love with me?”

“What?” I looked at Anna. “What are you talking about?”

“We should be in love,” she said. “You and me. We’re always together.”

“I care… about you,” I said. And your sister. I don’t want you in trouble or her hurt. “What are you trying to get at here?”

“You know you’re like the coolest guy in school and stuff,” Anna said. “So I think we should just let people think what they want about us. You know? Whether we’re doing stuff or whatever. I really don’t care.”

“Okay,” I said. “So you want to lie to everyone.”

“So what?”

“You know you don’t need to lie about that stuff,” I said. “I mean, I try to make sure you stay out of trouble but you like trouble…”

“And other boys like when they think I’m with you,” she said. “They think it’s wrong when we… you know…”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

I took my hand away and stood up.

“Don’t get mad,” Anna said. “It’s our secret, Evan. We have lots of dirty secrets already. Right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Right.”

I looked to the house. I knew what my biggest secret was. The way I felt about Dena. The secret I had to keep. The secret that kept me up at night.

“Evan, what are you doing?” Anna asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “What do you… I mean, whatever. Whatever you want to do, Anna.”

She stood up. The swing kept gently going as though a ghost were sitting on it.

“You know a lot about me,” she said. “Who I really am. Why I do what I do.”

“You’re chasing your pain away, Anna,” I said. “I get that. I really do.” I reached for her hand and interlocked my fingers to hers again. Then I pulled her close, just to see what it felt like.

I mean, it felt… you know, it felt what it felt. It was a girl pressing herself against me. Of course it felt good. Of course my mind teased things. But my heart didn’t do that thing it did when I saw Adena.

“I just like to feel alive,” Anna whispered. “I want to make everyone hurt like I do. That’s when I feel alive. That’s when I feel like I’m connecting with people. And when I get attention… it makes me feel good.”

“I get it,” I said to Anna. I backed away and took my hand away. “I get it. I just wish you had-”

“There’s a party going on right now,” Anna said. “A girl I met, Nattie, she has her own apartment. Huge throw down going on right now. Take me there.”

“Skip this one, Anna,” I said. “Go get some sleep.”

“Fuck you, Evan,” she said. “If you don’t drive me, I’ll just walk. Or I’ll call for a ride. I’ll call Joey.”

“Joey?” I asked. “How the hell do you…”

Anna smirked.

That was maybe the first time I felt a little jealous near Anna.

“Joey,” I said. “Are you kidding me? You let him…”

“What?” she yelled. “It’s just for fun. Plus, he’s going away. Moving to California to live with his dad.”

“Yeah, see how long that lasts before he’s kicked out of the state. That guy is bad, Anna.”

“Aw, are you jealous, Evan? It’s so cute.”

“I’m not jealous, I’m serious.”

I grabbed Anna’s arm and she slapped me right across the face.

“Don’t touch me,” she yelled. “Now drive me or someone else will.”

I looked back at the house. I couldn’t just let her go.

She just stood there in defiant silence.

“If you drive me I’ll tell Joey that you and I… you know. It’ll drive him crazy. I’ll tell everyone at the party how good you are. You know what that means, Evan…”

“Yeah, right. Fine. Let’s go. Walk with me. I have to go get my car.”

We walked and Anna grabbed my hand. She hugged my arm. She put her head to my arm. She was like a little kid that cried for hours and finally got the toy they wanted.

I hated myself for giving in. But I didn’t know what to do.

“Thanks for this,” she whispered. “I care about you, Evan. I’m in love with you, Evan. But I’ll never really love you.”

“I know that, Anna.”

“But our secrets…”

“Forever ours,” I whispered.

But I knew that was a lie. I could only keep Anna’s secrets for so long.

Then again, I was sure she had secrets she kept from me…