(Fat but Cute)

YEARS AGO

(Adena)

“You can’t be serious right now,” I said as I stood at the side of Anna’s bed.

She had become obsessed with black and purple. And she had these weird looking tapestries on the walls that were of intricate designs. If you stared too long at them you’d think they were moving. She’d hang out of the window and smoke one of her special cigs and then crash on the bed and stare at the tapestries for hours.

I never understood how she could live high all the time.

Anna checked her makeup in the chipped black paint rimmed mirror that was balanced on the desk where she was supposed to do her homework. With her thumb, she swiped just under her lip. She smacked her lips together and stood up. The desk was covered in makeup. Plus a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. It seemed like Anna had found a loophole in the system of discipline that Aunt Beth tried to put in place. At first, Aunt Beth was dead against smoking. She would go after Anna and punish her. But when Anna started smoking other stuff and trying other stuff, cigarettes didn’t seem so bad. So now the rule was no smoking in the house. Which Anna still did though. She’d just sit in her room with the window open, smoking away.

The window was also an amazing escape route that Anna had perfected.

She opened the window and stood there. She took a deep breath.

“How do I look?”

“Anna, you can’t do this,” I said.

“Watch me.”

“Aunt Beth is right downstairs.”

“Jake is coming around back,” she said. “He has the top down.”

“It’s fall.”

“Who cares? Why are you so afraid of everything in life?”

“I’m not afraid. Plus, isn’t Jake in college?”

“Yup.”

“Which means he’s older than you.”

“Yup,” Anna said with a sparkle in her eyes.

“And he doesn’t care that you’re only-”

“He thinks I go to college,” Anna said. “I told him I’m visiting home to see my sick and dying aunt. That I took a few weeks off.”

“What?”

“Plus, I have this bad boy…” Anna reached into her little purse looking thing and brought out a card. “Fake ID.”

“You have a fake ID? How…”

“So, according to this, I’m legally allowed to drink. So all I need is for Jake to take me across town to where nobody really knows me. And I’m good to go.”

“Where are you going?” I asked. “At least tell me what you’re doing. So I…”

“So you can cover for me?” Anna asked.

She bit her lip and opened her eyes wide. When she did that, she was no longer just my little sister. She was my really little sister, five years old, looking up at me with the biggest brown eyes ever. A beacon of innocence, only caring about the part in the movie when the brave knight saves the princess. Staring up at me during the whirlwind of confusion and asking the question, “What does it mean that Mommy and Daddy are dead?” …

I swallowed hard.

“You have to tell me what you’re doing,” I said.

“I’m going out with Jake. Okay? We’re going to have a few drinks. Then we’re going to park somewhere and we’re going to watch the stars. But not for long, if you know what I mean…”

Anna wiggled her eyebrows.

“You can’t do that stuff with every guy you meet,” I said.

“Says the one who hasn’t even kissed a boy,” Anna jabbed at me.

I stiffened. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“I do know that if you keep eating all that yummy stuff you bake, it’s going to catch up to you worse than it is.”

“What does that mean?”

“Please,” Anna said. “You know you’re getting a little thick, Adena. Not that it’s all that bad. My one friend, Ashleigh, she’s really thick and she gets a ton of attention. You just need to keep it in your hips and chest. Anywhere else and it’s gross.”

I hugged myself.

I was mad, offended, but I suddenly couldn’t stop wanting to look in a mirror and see what Anna saw.

“I have to go,” Anna said. “Please don’t be a bitch about this. I don’t give a shit if Beth” – (she never called her Aunt Beth. Ever.) – “finds out anyway, but it would be easier if she didn’t. Her old heart can’t take the way I live.”

Anna giggled.

She stuck a leg out the window and pulled herself to the roof.

I ran after her. I had to shove aside the stuff she just said to me about being fat.

I grabbed her wrist before she was fully on the roof.

“Anna,” I said.

She looked back at me. She smelled like sweet pea body spray and lotion. Her hair had a can of spray to make it look wet and a little curly. Her makeup was two strokes away from being clown like. My little sister was beautiful and she didn’t need this crap to be beautiful. She wanted to hide her pain and anger but her eyes always showed the truth. And giving her body to guys wasn’t going to help. And giving her soul to cigarettes, booze, drugs, that wasn’t going to help either.

“What?” Anna asked. “I have to go.”

“I love you.”

Anna half smiled. She then put her pointer finger to the tip of my nose. She wiggled her finger a few times. “Love you too, Deeenee…”

That’s what Anna used to call me when she was too young to say my name.

“Please be careful.”

“I’m fine. I’ll be home later.”

I let her go, always hating myself when I did it.

I watched Anna slither her way down the angled roof. My knees tingled and shook just watching her. She feared nothing. Ever. Me, I was afraid of my own shadow.

Anna turned and threw her legs over and off the roof. She then hung there for a few seconds, smiling, before letting go. The drop was big but Anna knew how to land and not hurt herself.

A few seconds later she was in the backyard, running toward the gate.

A set of headlights then appeared and as Anna exited the gate, a car pulled up. The top was down and some wannabe cool looking guy put his arm out and across the empty passenger seat. Anna climbed over the door without opening it. She threw her arms around the guy. He wrapped his arm around her and quickly slid his hand down to her ass and cupped it.

I cringed, feeling a sting of jealousy.

Sometimes I wished I could be more like Anna.

Sometimes I wished Anna could be more like me.

* * *

Aunt Beth opened the bathroom door and caught me looking at myself sideways in the mirror.

I gasped and put my shirt down.

“What were you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“What did she say to you?” Aunt Beth’s face dropped.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“You know, anytime someone says something bad about you, they mean it about themselves.”

“I doubt that,” I said.

“Why? Because Anna is skinny as a rail?”

I swallowed hard. I shrugged my shoulders.

“When she looks in the mirror, she thinks she’s heavy,” Aunt Beth said. “So she projects that on you. She wants you to feel that horrible feeling of not loving yourself. But you do love yourself, Adena. You love the world around you. Don’t let her take that from you.”

“I’m not,” I said. “I just… I don’t know. Maybe I am eating too much unhealthy stuff.”

Aunt Beth shook her head. “You’re damn good at what you do, Adena. You’re going to be eighteen soon. The world is yours. There’s no shame in enjoying life responsibly.”

“You think maybe I should start running? Or working out?”

“That’s up to you. I’d like you to do that because you believe in exercising and being healthy. Not because your sister made fun of you.”

I looked down at my feet. Anna told me I have clubbed toes like a cavewoman. She always kept her toenails painted. I never painted my toenails ever. Not once.

“Why don’t we have a cup of tea,” Aunt Beth offered.

“Yeah, sure,” I said.

I exited the bathroom and Aunt Beth touched my back. “For the record, I know Anna isn’t home right now.”

I gasped and looked up at her. “What?”

She forced a quick smile. “I don’t want you walking around feeling guilty all night.”

“I’m…”

“No need. You do too much for her as it is.”

“Are you mad at her? Are you going to go find her?”

Aunt Beth and I walked down the stairs. I loved the way they turned. I loved the diamond shaped stained glass window at the first little landing. Aunt Beth had a little table in the corner with school pictures of myself and Anna. From a few years ago. When Anna was still hard to deal with but she didn’t sneak out of the house.

“I can’t answer that question,” Aunt Beth said. “It’s… a hard situation. If I pull her back, she’ll go out more. So I wonder if she experiences whatever she’s looking for, then maybe it’ll calm her down.”

“You really believe that will work?”

“No,” she said.

She put water in a pan and turned on the burner. She got two mugs and tea bags.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with this,” she said.

“She’s my sister. I love her.”

“Well, you start focusing on you,” Aunt Beth said. “You want to open that baking business? I want you to do it. Pursue it. Hard.”

“I will,” I said.

“I don’t want to talk about her anymore,” Aunt Beth said. “It’s not your burden. Okay? Unless you want to talk about her.”

“No,” I said.

“Hey… I have an idea…”

Aunt Beth opened a drawer and took out a deck of cards. She then got a notebook and pen.

“A little rummy?” she asked.

“I love it,” I said.

The water soon started to boil. I watched as Aunt Beth tried to pour the water into the mugs. She missed a little, splashed herself, and cursed. I made a mental note to get her a real tea kettle for Christmas. I’d have to buy it and say it’s from me and Anna… because Anna won’t get Aunt Beth anything…

We sat and sipped tea and played rummy.

Those were the nights with Aunt Beth that I knew I’d never forget. I understood that people my age were maybe supposed to be out experiencing life. Partying. Drinking. Trying new things. Fooling around with strangers. But that just didn’t work for me. I was content sitting at the table, talking about life with Aunt Beth.

We got lost in time and realized two hours had gone by.

She put her cards down and smiled at me. “So, Adena, tell me who your crush is.”

“What?”

“I know you have one. Everyone has a crush. I know you’re not all about dating, but there has to be at least one guy in school…”

I laughed. “Well, there are a lot of cute guys. I mean, sure, yeah. Right now though, I’ll be graduating next spring. So I’m not really interested.”

“But if you were,” Aunt Beth said. “Give me a name. Give me some gossip.”

I laughed again.

The front door then blasted open and slammed shut.

Anna came charging through the dining room, throwing her little purse to the floor. She took off her jacket and threw it at me.

It smelled like smoke, stale beer, and sex.

I threw it to the floor.

She twirled around and clutched her chest.

“It happened!” she cried out.

“And where were you?” Aunt Beth bellowed.

Anna stopped. “Oh, please. I snuck out. Deal with it. It was totally worth it. I’m getting married!”

“What?” I cried out.

“Like hell you are,” Aunt Beth said.

“I don’t care what both of you think.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Okay, so I went out with Jake, right? Total hunk. Twenty-two…”

“Twenty-two?” Aunt Beth yelled. She stood up and put her hands to her face. “Did he touch you? I’ll call the damn police right now.”

“Oh, will you just sit down,” Anna said. “Listen to me. So, I went out with Jake. We went to a college bar. Right?”

I saw the look on Aunt Beth’s face. Sometimes I thought she really believed that Anna was just going to a friend’s house. Sit in the basement, smoke a cigarette, sip vodka, make out with a boy. But that’s what Anna did a couple years ago. She had long since upgraded her wildness.

“So we’re at the bar when who comes walking up… but Mazzy.”

“Mazzy?” I asked.

“Oh, jeez, you’re so lame, Adena. Mazzy is friends with everyone. He gets let into the bar without getting his ID checked.”

“How did you get into this bar?” Aunt Beth asked.

Anna waved her off. “My point is this… Mazzy throws a comment at Jake. About me being so young. So Jake flips his lid. Gets so mad at me for lying. So I start to cry, right? I do it on purpose to get Mazzy to help. So Mazzy winds up and clocks Jake in the jaw! Knocked him right off the barstool. Jake gets up and punches Mazzy! They start fighting, but only for a few seconds. Then Jake looks at me and wants to leave. Mazzy points and says, ‘She’s already fucking taken, asshole.”

“Language,” Aunt Beth said and slapped the table.

There was no controlling Anna’s mouth though.

“So I wanted to know what that meant. Jake then got pissed and left. Whatever. Fuck that guy. It wasn’t even his car, anyway. It was his dad’s. How lame. So Mazzy then tells me… he saw Evan buying a diamond ring today at the mall.”

“Evan?” Aunt Beth asked.

I stood up. “Evan…”

“Yeah,” Anna said with her eyes wide. “I mean, he and I had a fight and stuff… but this is his way of making it up to me. He’s going to give me that ring. Ask me to marry him!”

“Mazzy said that?” I asked.

“You are not getting engaged at sixteen,” Aunt Beth snapped. She hit the table again. “Who do you think…”

And just like that the two of them started to argue. Yelling. Screaming. Hitting the table over and over. Anna would eventually throw some things. Aunt Beth would cry. I was usually the one who would get in the middle and break it up. I would pull Anna away. Then I would check on Aunt Beth later.

But not this time…

“Evan,” I whispered.

I knew he and Anna had a thing last summer or something. But it wasn’t serious. At least I didn’t think it was serious.

Why did it matter so much?

Because… I was sort of in love with Evan…