(Kissing a Boy)

YEARS AGO

(Adena)

I sat on the side of my bed and held two dolls. One boy. One girl. I frowned. They always looked so happy. Of course, they couldn't change their expressions. They were just made this way. Happy. I looked around my room. I had a little house for them. I had a little car for them. On one of my walls there was a poster of a couple puppies playing in a basket. I bit my lip.

I’m too old for this stuff.

Which I was.

Things were changing inside and outside of me faster than I could keep up with. Aunt Beth did her best to talk when I needed it, but what I really needed was a mother. My mother. I needed her to explain to me everything that was happening and what I should do. I was too old for these girly toys but I still liked to play with them. Except… now…

I bit my lip harder and perked up and looked over the bed to the door.

It was shut.

I swallowed hard.

I brought the dolls together. I made their plastic lips touch. It made my heart jump a little. Like I was doing something wrong. But it was just toys, right? Nothing to worry about. I was just curious. There were kids my age who had boyfriends and girlfriends. Boys and girls who had kissed each other. Going to parties and even sleepovers. Kissing with their lips… and even their tongues.

I licked my lips and shivered.

None of it made sense to me.

But I wish it did.

The bedroom door opened and I dropped the dolls.

“Adena!” Anna’s little voice cried out.

“I’m right here,” I said.

“What are you doing?”

“Playing…”

Anna climbed over the bed. Her hair was so messy. Knots and random strands sticking up everywhere, curling. If I didn’t remind her to shower and brush her hair, she would go days without doing so. Even then, if I didn’t brush her hair, she wouldn’t do it right.

She jumped to the floor and landed on her knees. She looked at what I was doing and raised her eyebrows.

“What? I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

“Playing with dolls still?”

“Still? You’re younger than me.”

“I don’t play with dolls. Unless you make them do it.”

“Do what?”

“You know… it.”

“It?” I asked.

“Ohmygod, who are you?” Anna asked. “Take their clothes off and…”

“No. No way. Stop.”

I grabbed the dolls and shoved them to the right. I didn’t need Anna to do anything crazy with my toys.

Anna giggled. “You’re such a dork.”

“Me? Why?”

“Look at you. You’re a freaking teenager and you act like a seven year old.”

“No I don’t.”

“Have you even tried smoking yet?”

“No. It’s gross. And it’s bad for you. Why? Have you? Anna…”

She grinned. I couldn’t comprehend her age and seeing her do that kind of stuff.

“Wanna try it?” she asked. “I have some stuff in my room.”

“Anna! No. You better get rid of it.”

“Why?” she asked. She stood up. “Are you going to tell Beth? Are you going to be a tattletale bitch about it?”

I gasped. “Anna…”

“No. You’re supposed to be my sister.”

“I won’t say anything. I promise.”

“Good,” Anna said. She slowly sat back down. “What are you doing with this stuff? Seriously.”

I looked around the room again. “Hey, Anna. Have you ever kissed a boy?”

“Oh, totally. Like seven.”

“Seven?”

“Yeah. Why? You haven’t…” Then she laughed. Not a normal laugh. But a pick on you kind of laugh. She pointed to the toys. To the dolls. “You were making your toys hump each other. Because you don’t know anything.”

“Stop. I was not.”

“Yes you were. You dorky prude.”

“Stop it,” I snapped.

Anna kept laughing. She fell to her back and kicked her legs.

I lowered my head. I felt empty and hurt inside. I didn’t like when Anna made me feel that way. All I wanted to do was take care of her. And all I wanted was someone to take care of me. But I couldn’t take care of Anna, could I? She was already smoking. She was already kissing boys. I heard a noise last week and went to check on her only to see her climbing off the roof and running through the yard.

I wished Anna would play with toys like me. Or with me. We could have been really good friends. Sitting together, playing with dolls, talking about life. She tried to be so tough and old, yet she was afraid of shadows in her bedroom. And sometimes she cried for our parents. But she never told Aunt Beth that. She would just come into my room, into my bed, and cry, wishing our parents were alive.

I looked at her on my floor, laughing at me.

I could have said something hurtful to her. But I held back. I didn’t want her to ever feel like I did when she made fun of me.

“I needed that laugh,” Anna said. “I was coming in here to tell you that you should come for a walk with me.”

“A walk. Why?”

“No reason. Just to do it.”

“No. You’re going to get into trouble.”

“No I’m not.”

“Swear to me then.”

Anna stood up again. “Fine. Screw you, Adena. Play with your stupid dolls. Rub their plastic bodies together like some loser. I don’t care. Don’t say I didn’t try to show you how fun the world can be.”

I swallowed hard. “Anna, you can’t keep getting into trouble.”

“I can do whatever I want. And nobody will ever stop me. If you tell Aunt Beth I’m gone, I’ll tell everyone at school that you play with dolls.”

I gasped. I shook my head. “Anna…”

“See you later,” she said. “Make sure you cover for me.”

I turned, on my knees, leaning against my bed. I watched her leave my bedroom.

I felt a tear escape from my eye.

I didn’t care what Anna had to say about anything.

Someday… I would find a boy who was nice and who loved me… someday.