Chapter 2 – Jesse
“You haven’t said a word all day.”
I shrugged and smiled back at Melissa. I didn’t want her to think something was wrong. She had been asking for weeks now, and although I tried to pretend that it was all okay, it was harder than I’d thought it would be. Everything in me wanted to make it all better, but I knew deep down that it would never be better. It would never be okay again. I felt like a teenager losing her first crush. That had happened before, several years ago when I was in college.
Now, as an adult, it was somehow worse, because instead of skipping a few classes to cry it out, I had responsibilities to take care of. So that meant that I had to pretend that I was okay, even when I was really dying inside. That was the hardest part of it all.
“I’m just thinking.”
“What are you thinking about?”
She wasn’t going to let it go. I was going to have to say something eventually. The only thing that saved me right then was the long line of people that never seemed to stop. There were a couple of people who looked familiar, but all the rest were strangers. I should have been happy to see all of the new customers, and I was in a way, but there was another part of me that missed all of the regulars that I knew by name. I missed the small-town feel of the place in the big city. Now it felt like everything else, slightly cold and detached.
“I don’t know. We’ll talk about it when we get this line down.”
Melissa pouted and finally asked the one question that I didn’t want to answer. “Is all of this brooding because of what’s-his-face?”
Of course she knew the name. I’d said it enough that it was most likely burned into her brain forever, but I was happy to not have to hear it out loud. There was no way that I could deny his absence, and I was sure that she already knew. Melissa had waited a long time for me to bring it up, but I never had. For a reason. There was something about saying it all out loud that was going to make it worse, somehow more real than it already was.
“Yes, it’s because of what’s-his-face. I’ll be fine, just not yet.”
“You need to get back out there, Jesse. Don’t wait another couple of years like you did after Jeff.”
I had to agree, but I didn’t think it was going to be anything like Jeff. With Scott I was in love. There was no way around it. I had been – or rather, still was – in love with him. I didn’t see it coming, though I’d known that there was no real future for us. But I loved him, and I wished I didn’t still. Loving Scott was nothing but heartache, and I really wanted to know why. Why had he just dumped me like that? Was it his father who’d suggested it, or was he embarrassed about me and where I came from?
The same questions played through my head, but there was no answer.
“I’m just taking a break. I wasn’t really looking when I found Scott. He just kind of showed up and kept showing up until I went out with him. It wasn’t like I went out looking for him.”
“It doesn’t matter, Jesse, he found you and messed with your head.”
That was the truth. I tried not to get angry about it, but it was hard not to. He never should have talked to me. I still didn’t know what had drawn him to me, but now that he was gone, I felt an emptiness that I hadn’t known existed. For nothing else but that, I was mad at him. I didn’t want to think about how empty my life was without him. Because then I would have to admit that I wasn’t complete before.
“Yeah, he definitely did that, but I’m no worse for wear, just going to be a bit more cautious from now on.”
“I just don’t want this to be the thing that makes you bitter.”
My head jerked to her and I met her gaze. If she were anyone else I would have been seriously offended. It was bad enough that I’d gotten dumped. I didn’t need her telling me I was going to turn into a bitter old bitch soon. She was right, but that didn’t mean that I wanted to hear it.
“I just can’t be as positive. I don’t know how you can just bounce back from a breakup so soon.”
Melissa was quiet for a time. Then she said something that I’d never thought I would hear her say. “Because I never really loved any of them. Not really, I don’t think.”
The confession was hard to believe. She was always bubbly and happy. She did have a lot of boyfriends, but I’d thought that she left them because she was bored. I always thought that her optimism would just push her along, but I never thought that it would be because she had never fallen. Was that why it was so hard for me to forget about Scott, because I’d cared so much?
It didn’t help me to feel any better, but it helped me to understand Melissa a little more. Had she really never loved any of them? She had dated a lot of men, but maybe love was just not part of it. Why had I fallen for a man like Scott, one that I knew I could never really have? I was sure that it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t really want a man to be with. I must have done it to sabotage myself, or something like that.
“Well, I think I loved him, but I know that it was never going to be any more than it was right now. I know that, but it still hurts. It hurts more than it did when I was in college. I just didn’t expect it to feel like this.”
She looked at me with sympathy, but I didn’t want her sympathy. What I wanted was for her to understand and to just leave me be.
“We should go out tonight, just us girls. It’s been too long, and the shop is closed tomorrow. Come on, Jesse, what do you say?”
My first instinct was to say no, but maybe I did need to get out. The whole silent brooding thing obviously wasn’t that much of a help to me, so I had to do something. I had to get my mind off of him, no matter what. If the dancing and atmosphere didn’t do it, I was sure that a stiff drink or three would.
“Don’t let me call him, Melissa. Okay? I don’t care how drunk I get, don’t give me your phone to call him. The last thing I need to do is call him and embarrass myself further with emotions.”
“Okay, Jesse, no drunk dialing the ex, I promise.”