Chapter 1 – Camilla
“So what’s going on with you lately? You aren’t yourself, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ignore a guy like that giving you the eye.”
I looked up to the guy she was talking about and I wasn’t impressed. Nothing impressed me anymore. Men were more trouble than they were worth. There was either no passion and just a friendship or something like what I had going on with Zane. We didn’t say much to each other, but the passion was there. In his case, there was far too much passion, and as soon as he wasn’t touching me, I could see how messed up it all was.
“I’m not looking.”
“So who are you dating?”
I wanted to tell her about Zane. I wanted to tell someone everything that was going on, what was said, but then I would show the dirt on my own hands. He was a patient and he was off limits. The fact that he was stalking me and was now making my life very uncomfortable was just a testament to why I shouldn’t mess with my patients in the first place. I should have learned my lesson.
“I’m not dating anyone.”
“So why are you not worried about the hot guy at nine o’clock, then?”
She was looking at him, and I was sure that it was because she wanted to go over there and see if he was looking at her. I wasn’t interested in anything, knowing that I couldn’t even deal with the relationship that I was in.
“I’m just not. Why don’t you go over there and see if he wants to buy you a drink?”
“It isn’t about that.”
I smiled at her. It was cute that she was trying to play it off. “It’s fine, really. I’m just going to sit here and nurse this drink. I’m not going anywhere.”
She looked unsure, but I was just happy that the concern for me was gone. I didn’t like having to lie to her, but I knew what she would say and I didn’t want to hear it. I knew that it was wrong. I didn’t need someone else telling me so.
Watching her walk up to the table that she’d been trying to get me to pay attention to, I couldn’t help but see the slight look that came my way. He was interested in me, but I felt nothing. After I figured out a way to get rid of Zane, I wasn’t too sure that I was going to be jumping into anything for a while. Love and the like always seemed to get me in trouble. For a girl that had loved love, I wasn’t sure that I was choosing the best approach to sanity. I didn’t feel very sane.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
I looked up to see the man who had been giving me the eye. When I saw Carol, she was talking to another guy. Her interests had changed so quickly! Why couldn’t Zane get sick of me in the same way? It would make my life so much easier if he fell for another woman and didn’t think that we were meant to be together.
Carol came back after a time and I rebuffed a few more guys. My polite ‘no thank you’ was not taken the best way a couple of times, but I was used to the anger that could result. I knew that it was just a way for them to displace the rejection, but I was tired and ready to go home. When she told me that she was staying with Thomas, I just kind of gave her a look. Who was I to judge, right?
“If you’re sure you’re going to be okay, I’m going to head on home.”
“You aren’t going to stay and dance?”
Shaking my head, I told her that I was tired and I had a long day ahead of me.
“Okay, Camilla, but we’re going to talk about what’s going on with you tomorrow.”
“Fine, and then you can tell me how it goes with Tom.”
She had the decency to blush and the confidence to not disagree with what I said. We both knew what she was going to be doing tonight, but for the first time in a long time, I did not feel an ounce of envy for her. I’d had enough of romance for a while.
***
“You look distracted today, Doc.”
“Why does everyone keep telling me that?”
“Because you are. What’s on your mind?”
“That’s what I just asked you.”
“And I told you, but I would bet you another lunch that you don’t even remember what I said less than five minutes ago. If I were less of a man, I would get a little irritated that I couldn’t keep your attention.”
“You can’t have everyone’s attention.”
“No, but the one that I pay a couple hundred an hour for, I think I should.”
His tone wasn’t snippy, but his comment got me back to reality. “I’m sorry, Tyler. I don’t know where my mind is lately. I’m listening. Please tell me again, and this time I promise that you’ll have my full attention.”
“I would have thought that I was more memorable than that, Doc. I’ve never had a complaint before.”
“Well, I’m sure that if you did get one, you wouldn’t hear it that way.”
I didn’t know why I was mentally sparring with Tyler. He was the wrong one to do it with, and more than that, he was one of the patients that I actually liked to see. What was wrong with me? Why was I pushing him away? I knew I was doing it as I was doing it, and it bothered me that I couldn’t seem to stop.
“You’re right, Doc. If I did hear it, I wouldn’t really hear it. I’m working on hearing what’s said and not what I want. You’ve made me think of what I’m doing more. But something is on your mind, and you’re no good to me this way. What’s going on with you lately? The last couple of weeks you’ve been different. You know that you can talk to me, right?”
I wished that it was true. Sometimes I felt like I had no one to talk to and I was just going deeper and deeper into trouble with Zane. I was in way over my head, but I wasn’t sure what I could do to fix the situation. Talking about it didn’t seem to be the answer.
“I don’t think that talking about it is going to help much.”
“That’s pretty rich coming from someone who does what you do for a living.”
He had me there, and I pressed my lips together to stop myself from saying something that I was going to regret. I wanted to tell him that it was different. I was there to help them see what they already knew. Me, I had no clue how to handle this situation.
“Maybe some things are just too big.”
He shook his head. “Nothing is too big.”
I didn’t agree with him. It was easy to say that when he didn’t know what I was going through. I was sure if he knew, he wouldn’t look at me the same, but at least he wouldn’t think that it was no big deal. My problem was not something that could be talked through.
“This is too big, Tyler, even for someone like me.”