Chapter 3 – Camilla
I felt numb all over, and I realized how badly I was affected. There wasn’t a day or night that went by that I didn’t think about all of those people in the mall. The news was on every station, but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it. The only thing that I could bring myself to do was sleep. My bed became my sanctuary, no matter what responsibilities I had. I just couldn’t do it.
When the phone rang I looked at it suspiciously and tried to ignore it. I had a feeling that it was the office, and since I wasn’t coming in that day either, I didn’t think that there was anything that I could do but ignore the call. I didn’t want to go in and help people with their problems when I had problems of my own to attend to.
The cordless phone stopped ringing, and I was closing my eyes again when the cell phone next to me started to go off. I knew then it was Sara and the only thing I could do was answer. Sara would understand that I just couldn’t do it. Besides, I wanted to talk to someone, and Sara had tried for days.
“Hello.”
“Thank God, Camilla! I was so worried about you. Why haven’t you picked up your phone?”
Her worry was nice to know, but the barrage of questions was going to be a little harder to deal with.
“I just was sleeping, that’s all.”
“Camilla, it’s almost noon. What are you doing sleeping?”
I shrugged to no one in particular. Sara couldn’t see me, so I just closed my eyes and settled back into the bed. “I’m just tired.”
“Camilla, it has been a week. They caught the guy. You don’t need to worry about him anymore.”
I wasn’t worried about the shooter, although her words sent a shiver down my spine. I’d thought he’d been killed in the shootout. That was how most of these things ended. The shooter never got away, and the idea that he was just caught made me nervous. I didn’t want the man to get mad that there was a survivor who could identify him. I hadn’t really seen him, just his boots, but the idea made me feel a little cold inside.
“I would tell my patients that it’s okay to be afraid and to take time to heal.”
“That’s the problem, Camilla. You need to come back to work. There are a few survivors who’ve been sent our way. They start coming in Monday. Turn your fax on so that I can send you the information. Since you were part of it, I think that you should take them. Maybe it will be beneficial for the both of you.”
I’d only seen one man who was there with me, although I’d been out of it and I certainly hadn’t gone through the place looking to see if I was the only one with the blank stare in my eyes. It was a dilemma, and I wasn’t sure what to do. How could I just be okay after something like that? I knew what I would tell a patient about it, but now the words just seemed so hollow when I tried to say them to myself. It just didn’t have the same weight as it would have before.
“I don’t know if I’m ready yet, Sara.”
“Camilla.”
Her voice had changed. She was using that voice that she used with her clients, the one that said she was sorry for what they had gone through. I was used to that tone, because I also used it from time to time. It was the empathy that bothered me, and I felt my feathers getting ruffled. I didn’t want her to feel bad for me.
“I’ll come in next week. It’s Friday and the day is almost over.”
Sara made a sound that told me she didn’t agree with my decision, but the fact of the matter was it was my decision. I didn’t want her to know how badly I was affected. I was embarrassed about how scared I felt. I was the doctor who was supposed to help people, and I didn’t know if I could. How could I help others when I was such a mess myself? It didn’t make sense, and the longer the silence dragged out, the worse it was.
“So how is everything? Are you guys busy?”
“You know we are. I’ve had to send away countless people who were here to see you. You have to come in. They need you, and I need my friend back. I can’t talk to Greg all the time. You know how he is.”
She made me smile, but I refused to laugh. It was funny to me that she was calling. She had her own clients to take care of.
“I’m fine, really Sara. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t feel like I’m going to be much help to anyone right now. Not like this.”
“Sometimes you need to show your vulnerabilities to help others. Take the rest of the day off, the rest of the week off, but Monday morning you’re going to have survivors in here. I can’t think of anyone more qualified to help than someone who went through the same thing. I think it would be good for you.”
Sara was sounding too much like a doctor and not enough like my friend. The pragmatic side of me knew that she was right, but that didn’t really matter. What mattered was the fact that I did have to get up and do something. I couldn’t lie in bed all day.
“I’ll be there Monday. Thank you for taking care of my patients. I know that I need to get it together, I know that, but I guess it’s harder than I thought it would be. Sara, there was just so many bodies, and Marge…” I felt my voice catch and I stopped talking, not sure where I was supposed to go from here.
“It’s going to be okay, Camilla. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.”
I did need someone to talk to, just not yet. Every time I said anything about it, or heard a loud noise, I was unable to stop the shaking in my body and the fear that coursed through me. Was this how my clients felt? If it was, I felt bad for any time that I’d told them to basically get over it. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to get over it, and this is what I did for a living. Once again, I felt like a fraud, and I wasn’t sure what more I could do. Was I going to feel like this forever?
“Just turn your fax on and I’ll send you the files. Start there, Camilla.”
I agreed, but looked back lovingly at the pillow and warm sheets that I’d left. Couldn’t I just stay in bed a little while longer?