“Zane. I don’t recognize this name. Did we get a new guy?”
My secretary looked at the name on the list. “Yeah, you said that you wanted a few new patients, so when he called I sent him through. Do you want me to give him to someone else?”
I shook my head that I didn’t. “No, it’s fine. I just didn’t know that I had someone new today. The first couple of meetings are always the longest.”
“Are you feeling okay, Camilla?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired. Still not sleeping very well.”
“I’m sorry, Camilla. Well, he sounds fun. At least he won’t be boring.”
I didn’t know what she meant by that, but I had a feeling that boring would have been more advisable. I didn’t have the energy to start a new case that was a mess. I was still a mess myself, and pretending that I wasn’t was hard work. It took far more work than I would have thought.
“Well, since I have a little time in between, I’m going to go out for a bit and grab some coffee.”
“Okay, do you want me to call you if he comes in early? You know that they can be a little anxious sometimes.”
“That’s a good idea. I don’t know what I would do without you, especially lately. Sorry I’ve been so flaky.”
She told me that it was fine. “I know that you’ve been through a lot, Camilla. It’s a testament to your strength that you’re here trying to help other people.”
I wouldn’t have gone that far, but it was getting increasingly hard to get up day after day. I was going to take that compliment and run with it. Maybe I could be stronger than I thought, or at least fake it until I made it.
Leaving the building, I wasn’t even to the coffee shop before I was getting a call from the office. “He just arrived, just wanted to let you know.”
“I haven’t gotten my coffee yet. Do I have a minute?” I was asking if he looked distressed, which was what I was going to be if I didn’t get some caffeine in me. I was going to need it for a new patient. The first time was always the hardest.
“No, he seems fine. He doesn’t look like someone that would usually come here.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll see.”
I hung up after telling her that I would be in soon. I wasn’t sure what was so different about Zane, but she was right, I was going to see. In ten minutes, I would know more about him than most of the people in his life.
Getting myself prepared for what was to come, I took a few minutes and just slowed down. It was going to be a long day, and with everything going on in my mind, I would have to use all of that strength that I supposedly had to get through it. There was a moment where I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to deal with anyone new, or anyone at all for that matter, but I got it together and made my way back. It was my job, after all. I was here to help people.
When I walked into the office, it was immediately clear who I was supposed to see. Now I understood the secretary’s comments about him. He was handsome in a rugged sort of way. His hair was long and black, his eyes the color to match. Our eyes met for a moment and he smiled at me. I felt my heart skip a beat and I thought of Jesse. It hadn’t worked out with Jesse, but it was hard not to think about Zane as a candidate. It was wrong, though, and I wouldn’t act on it, of course, even if I wanted to.
“Nice to meet you, Zane. Why don’t we pop into my office and have a chat?”
He just continued to grin. The way he was looking at me was hard to ignore. There was a promise in his eyes that intrigued me. I wondered what he was thinking, and even more, what was he doing in my office? He didn’t seem to be distressed, but he could be like Tyler and be good at hiding it.
“Take a seat.”
Zane looked at the couch, and at first I thought he was going to balk at the suggestion. There was something that men didn’t like about the low couch, and again I thought about whether I should replace it.
“I’m not sure what I’m doing here, Doc.”
I liked the way he titled me that way. He wasn’t the first person, but I liked it when he said it. It was a reminder that I was supposed to be good and tell my idiot body to stop responding to the tall and lanky man in the room.
“Well, everyone has a little nervousness about seeing a therapist. I don’t want you to worry about it. Just think of me as someone who wants to hear about your day. I’ll never tell anyone else what you tell me. It’s just between us. A lot of times people just need a sounding board. Is that what you’re here for?”
“I don’t know about that. I was told that I should seek some help and I was given your number.”
“I see. So what can I help you with, Zane?”
He shook his head that he didn’t want to tell me while his eyes devoured me where I sat. I had a feeling that he wasn’t thinking about his problems anymore, and the way he looked at me was driving me a little mad. I kept thinking about how long it had been since me and Jesse stopped seeing each other. It had been too long if I was acting this way. I really needed to pull myself together.
“There is a lot that you could help me with, Doc. How committed are you?”
“Committed to what?”
“Helping me.”
I felt like the question was loaded, but I didn’t know him well enough yet to say for certain. The conversation was going off track quickly, and I tried to pull it back to a more comfortable subject.
“I’m very committed to helping you, Zane. All you have to do is talk to me and we will work it out, whatever it is that ails you. What do you do for a living? Maybe we should start there.”
“Not too exciting, I’m afraid. I’m a programmer in town. Pretty boring job. Just mess with numbers and codes all day. It’s nothing like yours, where you get to get inside everyone’s minds.”
“That isn’t quite what I do, but your job sounds interesting as well. What kind of programs do you make?”
I had no idea what he did, but I was the one who had to be interested. If nothing else, it kept me from thinking about what I wanted him to do to me. He was just too handsome, and he was looking at me as if I were a meal. I couldn’t ignore the way he made me feel, no matter how hard I tried.
We got into his work more, and that’s when Zane started to get agitated. I could tell that it wasn’t as rosy as he made it out to be. He felt like he was being taken advantage of and no one saw him for what he was. He felt like he was better than his coworkers, better than his job. I was already thinking of a diagnosis when he turned the questioning around on me.
“Do you like your job?”
“Most days.”
“What makes you come to work every day? I would think that listening to other people whine all day wouldn’t be the best job.”
“I guess it’s how you look at it and what you’re trying to get out of your work. I like to help people, and I get to do that all day. When I can really help someone with something, I feel good at the end of the day. So I guess you could say that I do like my job. Helping others is what keeps me going.”
“Do you think that you can help me, Doc?”
I still wasn’t sure what he wanted. He didn’t talk about much that gave him any emotional response. Only the aggravation at work had made the cut, and I wasn’t going to say that was enough. It just seemed like there was more that he wasn’t telling me.
“What do you need, Zane? We have danced around for half the session, and I’m still not sure what you’re here for.”
“I told you, I was referred.”
“Yes, but why?”
He wasn’t going to tell me. That became clear, and although I was used to resistance, this felt different. He was resisting me for a whole other reason that I didn’t quite understand.
“I thought we could talk about anything.”
“We can. What would you like to talk about?”
“You.”
“I don’t think that is a topic that would help you too much. Why don’t we stick to why you’re here?”
“Things change, and I think my reason is different now.”
“Oh?”
“Tell me about your love life. Are you seeing anyone?”
I started to look outraged, and he asked me how he was supposed to trust me with all of his deep dark secrets if I didn’t trust him with any of my own.
“I don’t really have any secrets. I’m not dating anyone at the moment.”
“That makes sense.”
“What does?” Did he mean that it made sense that I was alone?
“The fact that you’re single. The way you’ve been looking at me, I was thinking that you were in a crappy marriage. I wouldn’t have thought that someone your age and looking the way you do would still be on the market.”
I didn’t know how to take that, so I just kind of smiled at him. He was closer to the truth than I would have liked to admit, but I certainly wasn’t going to say it out loud.
“I don’t think we should be focused on me, Zane. You’re here for a reason, and I think we should get down to it.”
“I’ve changed my mind. I want you for something entirely different now.”
He was getting up from the couch and moving towards me. I had a feeling that he was more interested in my body than my mind.
“I don’t think you’re reading this right, Zane”
“Am I not, Doc? I think that you’ve been thinking about the same thing that I’ve been thinking about since we met. I bet you’re wet for me.”
I was outraged – or I would have been if I wasn’t feeling squishy down below. How did he know? Or was he just trying to shock me? I needed to get this reined in before it went too far. This was Jesse all over again, and I didn’t think that it would be a good idea to go down that road right now, even if I was in the mood for a road trip.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zane. I’m thinking you’re a patient, one that I just met.”
“Tell me that you don’t want me to bend you over this desk right now and I’ll walk away. Just tell me that, Doc.”
He was standing over me and my eyes fell on the desk in question. I tried to get the words out, but they weren’t cooperating with me and I was left just to shake my head.
“That’s what I thought, Doc. Maybe we can help each other out, because I have a feeling I know exactly what you need.”