CHAPTER ELEVEN
Nevada
They say when it rains it pours. That doesn’t begin to cover the mess I find myself smack dab in the middle of. Tension is running high as we wait for more attacks, and Wizard’s recovery is a daily punch to the heart. The past year has been wiped from his brain. To him, I’m just Hulk’s daughter turned caretaker. He’s easily agitated when it comes to things he can’t recall, and if he strains himself the migraines start. The doctor can’t tell us how permanent the memory loss will be. He thinks we’re lucky. Relatively speaking, I suppose he’s right. Everything else seems to be there and he’s progressing.
The charade though, is eating me up from the inside out. Stone wants me to wait till he’s back on his feet to bring up the fact that I’m his Old Lady. I can respect that, but it doesn’t make it any easier. On a constant basis, I see Wizard looking at me with no recollection of our relationship. It’s been a painful few weeks. Today, he’s coming home. The time to come clean has arrived.
I’m not ready.
I study myself in the mirror turning to the left and the right. I’m wearing my favorite pair of jeans and T-shirt. The stress is taxing my system. I’ve been sick more days out of the week than not. I turn away from the reflective surface and walk down the stairs. The party will be at the clubhouse, but I wanted to welcome him home. Part of me hopes once he’s back in a familiar environment, his memories will return. The doctor told us it can happen that way. The welcome home banner is hung, our bar has been stocked, and the house looks immaculate.
The rumble of motorcycles pulling up front has my blood pressure spiking. With his broken leg and limbs that were still shaky, he had to be brought home in a cage. His swearing had alerted everyone on the third floor about his feelings on that requirement. It was disconcerting seeing him so quick to anger. It wasn’t in his personality. Well, the old one. The doctors assured us it was normal. It doesn’t change the fact that I fear this new him. I’m anxious and uncertain how he’ll respond to the situation we’ll be unveiling. The bikes grow quiet. I shove my hands in the pockets of the jeans, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. The top lock turns and I slap on a smile. “Surprise.”
His brow furrows. “Not that I don’t appreciate all you’ve done for me, Nevy. But you really don’t have to take the nurse maid thing to heart.”
The old nickname is an abrasion to my heart.
“That’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about,” Stone says. He clamps his hand on Wizard’s shoulder as they continue into the house.
“Finally. I knew some shit was off. You guys have been acting nuttier than fucking fruit cake.”
The glimpse of his old personality peeking out makes me smile.
“Nevada, show him the cut.”
I walk over to the closet, and pull out the vest I’ve been hiding. My hands shake as I slowly turn to face him.
“What the fuck?” Wizard roars.
My heart bleeds and my eyes fill with water.
“Is this some kind of a lame ass joke? ’Cause I ain’t laughing.”
“No. This is a huge chunk of what you haven’t been able to remember,” Stone says.
The horror that crosses Wizard’s face makes my stomach turn.
“She’s just a kid! Why the hell would I tie myself to a child?”
Sweat-beads form on my forehead and I stumble back.
“Look, man, I know you’re upset, but you need to chill.”
“Chill? I wake up and my entire world is fucking upside down!”
The gurgling in my belly begins. Saliva floods my mouth. I spin on my heels and run to the bathroom on the opposite side of the room. Turning on the fan, I flip up the lid and make it to my knees just in the nick of time. Tears run down my face unchecked as I purge the toast and bacon I’d forced myself to eat this morning. This situation has turned me into a neurotic mess. If I’m not crying, I’m puking my guts up, or outright exhausted. I wanted to be strong and let his comments roll off my back. I’d prepared myself for the fall out I knew would come, but the reality of it was far harsher than anything I’d played in my head. I push back from the toilet and swipe my mouth with the back of my hand. I wish I could spend the rest of the night in the bathroom. The thought of facing him makes me want to hurl again.
A gentle knock comes on the door. “Nevy?”
I cringe at the sound of Wizard’s voice.
“Can I come in?”
I flush, push to my feet, and rinse out my mouth.
The door opens and I snicker. Of course he didn’t wait for me to say yes. If he did though, he would’ve been out there until hell froze over.
“Listen, I’m sorry.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Shit is still scrambled up here like an egg. It’s not personal. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I’m sure what we had was real. But when I look at you now, all I can see is Hulk’s little girl. Maybe it’ll all come back. We can try to give it time. I’ll provide for you regardless. You know that.”
“I don’t want to be someone else’s problem.” I ball my fists. I’m no longer a cherished Old Lady. I’m another brother’s burden. We’re going on the belief he’ll remember. What happens if he doesn’t? I’m too scared of the answer to ask the question.
“I’ve always been your friend, Nevy. That hasn’t changed.”
Friend. The word is acidic.
“Right.” I swipe away the tears gathering in the corner of my eyes.
“You know I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass, babe. I don’t do promises I can’t keep.”
“I know. Look, I don’t want to ruin your day back. Go to the clubhouse, party. You deserve to celebrate life.”
“While you what? Stay here and cry? Fuck that!”
I grip the counter and stare at water droplets in the sink. “I don’t want to be the subject of stares and whispers… Wizard.” The urge to call him Gage damn near chokes me. “My place isn’t at your side right now.” It may never be again. “Besides, I’m not feeling so hot.”
“Seems a shitty way to thank the person who’s been with me every step of my recovery.”
“Consider us even for all you’ve done for me.”
“Look at me.”
My body tenses.
“Nevada, look at me.”
I glance over my shoulder and I’m caught in the magnetic pull of his blue gaze.
“Don’t pretend you’re okay when we both know you’re not.”
“I’m not the same girl you knew, Wizard. You’ve lost memories of this version of me. I’m not going to fall to pieces.” Or be a victim. You taught me that. “If you want to help, just…give me some time and space.”
“Fair enough.”
“Can you send Stone in please? He’s been waiting for this to play out for a long time now.” I turn away and close my eyes as the sound of his boots on the tile signal his retreat.
“You going to make it, girl?” Stone asks, leaning against the doorframe.
“I can’t do this, Stone. I need a break.”
“What? He just got back.”
“I’m not helping him being here, and I sure as hell ain’t doing myself any favors.”
“So you’re going to what? Bail? Thought you were tougher than that.”
I spun around, furious. “You know what I am, Stone? Sick of being someone’s cross to bear. He didn’t have to do what he did in the first place, but it worked out for us both. Between the shit with lockdown and this cluster fuck…” I lick my lips and shake my head. “I can’t pretend everything is okay. I’ll manage the store until you can get someone else. But I’m begging you to let me stay at a sister club. Just for a few months to get my head right. It’s been highs and lows. Watching my back every second of the day. It’s literally making me sick, Stone. I’ve never asked for much. You know that. I need this.” I silently beg him to understand where I’m coming from.
He sighs. “Fine. I’ll see if I can get you something in Vegas.”
“Thank you.”
“But you need to be there tonight.”
“I will be.”
“And looking fucking happy, Nevada. I won’t have him losing face. His position depends on respect and fear.”
“I savvy, Pres.”
Stone grunts. “Clean yourself up. You’ll be the one taking him.”
I want to protest, but I don’t have the energy or a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the argument.
Later that night, I’m dressed to impress in a pair of leather pants, matching corset, and fuck me heels. My makeup is flawless and my smile is big and fake while my heart is aching.
“You okay, babe?” Mimi asks.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” I ask.
“Because Wizard isn’t himself, and you both seem to be avoiding one another like the plague.”
I glance around the room and guide her into the hall. “He doesn’t remember us, Mimi. We told him today and he flipped his shit. Said I was a child and he couldn’t understand why he’d bind himself to a child.” My voice quavers. “It’s like I’m back where I started. Only Wizard is my keeper, instead of my father. I can’t handle it.” I look up at the ceiling and keep the tears at bay. “I’m going to leave. Stone is looking for a spot for me in Vegas.”
“Nevada, no.” Mimi grips my arms. “It’s not permanent.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Regardless, it’s too much for me right now. I’m a fucking wreck. If I’m not crying, I’m sick. I can barely get out of bed and face the mess my life has become. My presence agitates him. The period he doesn’t remember is a trigger and that period involves his time with me. It sets him off. I’ve seen it. It’s gotten better, but I can still see him struggling. I can’t be a distraction, or a hindrance to his recovery.”
“So you’re just going to leave?”
I grab her arm and drag her to the end of the hallway. “Look.” I point to Wizard, sitting at the bar beside one of the Club Mama’s Brownie. She’s tilted into him while smiling, and he’s lapping up. “You tell me you could see Riker be like that with other bitches, right under your nose. Not even giving a shit and knowing to him, you’re nothing!” I hiccup through tears. “Leaving is what’s best for us both. Then, we can go on with our lives.”
“Nevada, I— I’m sorry.”
“I took a chance, this is my fault. I can’t regret it. It’s given me back myself. But I’ll be damned if I’ll do it again.” I grit my teeth.
“Babe, you know Old Lady is a lifetime commitment.”
“I’m sure he’ll be happy to forget I exist,” I spit. “I want to hate him. It would be so much easier if I could. But I love him. I love him and I never got a chance to tell him. That’s the worst part.”
Mimi hugs me tight.
I bury my face in her shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m not stronger. I can’t be here and accept scraps while I wait for a miracle. I spent my life existing like that. I won’t go back.”
“It’s okay,” she whispers, stroking my hair. “You don’t have to. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
I cling to my friend’s support. This is the only way to give us both what we need.
***
Wizard
It’s like I’ve entered the twilight zone. Nevada is playing the role of Old Lady with a fake smile and sexy outfit. I might not feel like I’m her Old Man, but I can admire what she’s put on display with her leather pants and matching corset. There’s a new confidence about her I don’t recall seeing before the accident as she glides across the floor with her kick ass boots. It’s disconcerting thinking of her like this. I feel like a dirty old man, checking out a young cheerleader. Frustrated, I slam back another shot. The fuzzy area of my brain pisses me off. I don’t like not being in complete control and there’s club business I’m not filled in about.
Stone wants to leave it until tomorrow. Which means it’s bad enough to fuck up my homecoming. I see signs of lockdown left and right. I think it has something to do with how I ended up in a coma in the first place.
“You’re supposed to be having a good time, not brooding.”
Her sensual purr makes me smile. I glance up at the busty brunette and raise my glass. “It got a lot better just now, Brownie.”
“Flirt.” She grins. “Seriously though, Wizard. It’s really good to have you back.”
“It’s good to be back,” I say, latching onto the known. It’s good to interact with someone who hasn’t changed while I was trapped in the siesta from hell.
“Your Old Lady’s looking good. I was glad you claimed her. She always treated us like we were human.”
I glance over at Nevada who’s talking with her best friend Mimi. “Yeah, she was always good people like that.” Looking at her makes my brain itch. It’s like I’m searching for a connection that no longer exists. I glance away from her and take a drink from the bottom. She gets under my skin. It’s not something I want to deal with. I move my chair closer and wrap my arm around Brownie’s waist. “Why don’t you tell me what I’ve missed?”
“Shit always stays the same here. Drama, fights, fucking and partying.”
I chuckle. This is what I wanted to get back to, uncomplicated fun. We continue to shoot the shit and flirt. I’m thinking of getting my dick wet, but I’m hesitant. The last thing I want to do is have my equipment malfunction. I’ll be in therapy for a while. Apparently, going offline fucks with you in a major way. The feeling of eyes on me prickles the hair on the back of my neck. I glance up and catch Hulk giving me a death glare. I roll my eyes and search the crowd for Nevada. When I can’t find her, I frown.
Shit, did she get into trouble?
This is exactly why I didn’t want…an Old Lady. “I’ll catch up with you later, Brownie.” I have a walking cast on now, so thankfully I don’t have to hobble around on crutches. I clop my way through the crowd, accepting pats on the back and nods. Every few feet, I stop to have a mini conversation, constantly searching for Nevada on the sly. I end up spotting her walking out of the hallway with Mimi.
Her eyes are red and her face is puffy. It’s clear she’s been crying.
I want to punch a wall. I’m hurting her by simply being myself. This other Wizard is a stranger I can’t even imagine being. Having to be held responsible for his actions is a fucked up kind of jail. I wade my way over and grab her by the elbow. “Let’s go to my room and talk.”
“I don’t think we need to do that,” she whispers.
“It’s obvious we do.”
The color drains from Mimi’s face. “I’m going to go see Riker,” she says, squeezing Nevada’s shoulder before she disappears into the crowd.
“Let’s go.” I grip her elbow and steer her through the crowd. Catcalls follow us. I unlock my door and we head inside.
“You don’t have to say anything, Wizard. This is hard enough for both of us. You don’t need me around fucking with your head and gumming up the works on your recovery. I don’t need to see you every day and long for a man who no longer exists.”
Her bluntness shocks me. “Well, shit.”
“I told you, I changed. You gave me the gift of time and safety to discover who I wanted to be. That’s why I’m doing what’s best now.”
“You want to tell me what the hell that is, Nevy?”
She winces. “Please don’t call me that.”
“Okay, Nevada.”
“No.”
I flinch. Everything I do with her seems to be wrong. At least, now I know why.
“Nev, please. Just Nev.”
The pain in her eyes cuts me deep. Knowing someone feels so much emotion for me and I can’t return the favor is hell on Earth. It’s like seeing what I always wanted while it’s being held just out of my reach. A stab of pain flashes through my skull. I grip my head and grit my teeth.
“Gage.”
My given name on her lips is sweet and painful at the same time.
She stumbles forward and grips my face. Her green eyes are giant. “We can’t keep hurting one another. You need time to heal and I need space to keep sane. Never think I left lightly.” She presses her lips to mine.
I get a taste of everything I never knew I wanted. A split second later, the pain hits and I jerk away. I struggle to regain clarity.
She slips out of the door like a ghost.
My gut tells me I should chase her down, but I know she’s right. At the moment, I’m not one-hundred percent. I need to get my own shit together before I consider anything else. I close my eyes and let the feeling I refer to as static fade. Parts of my past are like a television station, just out of focus. I’m starting to suspect they may have been some of my best moments. It’s fucked up when you’re jealous of yourself.