CHAPTER FIVE
Blanche
I shove the laptop away from me and stand from the desk. My brain is jammed full of updated laws and requirements to practice in San Diego. Can I really do this? I’m not sure. The pressure to be okay when I feel like the sky can fall on me any second has my chest tightening. I’m a great actress. It’s a skill I had to perfect being the wife of Brooks Birling. No matter what was occurring at home, I had to be on point when out and about. The doting wife with an easy smile, chic sense of style, and sugary sweet attitude.
These days I’m pretending I’m okay. Dr. Adams is pleased with my thoughts about the future. She says thinking of going back to work is a sign of healing. I think it’s setting myself up for a huge disappointment. I haven’t forgotten the mini freak out when Jagger asked to take me on a ride. Hell, I’m embarrassed. My face heats. He responded so well. I have to wonder if he’s seen someone have panic attacks before. There’s a lot I don’t know about the man, but I don’t dare ask too much.
Because if I do, he’ll expect the same. I threw my story into the mix to push him away. I should’ve known it’d take more than a case of attempted murder to scare a biker. I can’t get him out of my head. We text nearly daily, and I see him once or twice a week. It’s a good place for us, but I find myself wanting more. I like the way he makes me feel. With Jagger, I’m more than the woman who almost met her maker at the hands of her husband. I can see the attraction in the depths of his ridiculous hazel-colored eyes. It feels good to be wanted and appreciated.
I don’t remember the last time I felt that way. With Brooks, I was a trophy. I waited on the shelf until I was needed. Then I was shined up and paraded to anyone in the near vicinity. Our sex had become mediocre and sporadic. In the end, I’d been celibate for over six months. There’s nothing like the suspicion of infidelity to cool your ardor.
I knew when he left me alone he was getting sex from someone else. His sex drive had always been healthy. I shake my head, exasperated by the path my mind is traveling. Everything leads back to Brooks. He was my first serious boyfriend, the only man I ever loved, and the taker of my virginity. There was no escaping him. The best way to get over one man is to get under another. I’d heard the phrase. It sounded tacky at the time, but I get it now.
It’s impossible to move forward when your brain is full of those old memories. I pick up my cell phone. It’s a dangerous game I’m playing, replacing one thing with the other. But I can’t stop. Not when he silences the hateful voices that fill my skull. I need the relief only he can bring. My fingers are flying over the keys before I can talk myself out it.
You have time for me today?
Within minutes he replies I get off work in an hour. Does that work?
The fact that he thinks of himself as Jagger with me instead of Freeze makes my belly do flips. I know enough about motorcycle clubs to understand it’s a huge deal. I’ve read up online. The Kings of Chaos aren’t the Hells’ Angels, but they’re a decent size organization people respect and fear. I know his Nomad label makes him even more dangerous than most. Member with that title float around, belonging to none, because they go where they’re needed. He takes care of problems. It makes me uneasy, but my need for him outweighs any apprehension that rises. Brooks looked like an angel and ended up being the devil incarnate. I won’t judge Jagger or his people by their image. I’ll let their actions speak for themselves. His people. He hasn’t brought me around. There’s no reason to think like this. And yet, I am.
Works perfectly. ~ B
When and where? ~ J
Your choice ~ B
Am I picking you up? ~ J
Everything in me wants to tell him yes. My hand trembles and my body grows warm. I rub my chest. I’m not ready.
Not yet. ~ B
I hold my breath. Is this when he bails on the woman who treats him like she can’t trust him?
I’ll text you the place and time. ~ J
I let out the breath I’d been holding and slump my shoulders. Right or wrong, the man is becoming an important part of my life and my recovery process. I declare myself done with working on ‘operation get back to work’ for the day. As much as my legal ability to work is intact, I’ve been out of the loop for far too long. Returning in is going to involve reconnecting with my friends in the field, and praying they’ll vouch for me and possibly pull some strings. I don’t mind starting off part time to prove myself. It’s the peopling involved I’m not ready to face.
After shutting down my laptop, I move to my bedroom for a shower. I strip down, toss my clothes into the hamper in the bathroom, and step under a steamy shower stall. The heated water beads down on my flesh, loosening the tension in my muscles. I close my eyes and zone out as I allow my brain to rest. I’ve always been a thinker. I have to pro and con everything before I decide on a course of action. I used to think it was a blessing, now it’s turned into a curse. Questions I can’t answer circle around in my mind like a cyclone, exhausting me before I’ve even risen from my bed.
I’m a woman who likes to know where she’s headed. The uncertainty in my life is killing me little by little. I know it, and so does Dr. Adams, who keeps pushing me to face the things I can, and begin a tentative plan for what’s next. I grab my At the Beach bath gel and add a healthy dollop to my loofah before I begin to make circles on my skin, swearing this has nothing to do with Jagger or the things I’ve been dreaming of him doing to me.
***
I frown as I pull into the parking lot of a Walmart beside Jagger, who’s waiting on his bike. The sun shining down on his brown hair is catching the highlights and turning him into a rocker. He’s ruggedly handsome with his facial hair and jeans, a rock T-shirt and plaid style. He smiles at me and climbs off, and I leave my car.
“I know you’re wondering why I asked you out here, but this is just a starting point. Today, I’m taking you for a ride, B. We won’t be gone for longer than an hour there and back, and I promise you on a day like today we’ll have plenty of company.” He holds out his hand, opening and closing it in a come here manner. “This bike is more than a mode of transportation, it’s my home. The first one I ever really had. In order for you to really be in my life, you have to accept her.”
I walk over slowly, taking deep breaths.
“She’s a beautiful girl … leather and chrome, with plenty of power and comfort.” He holds out his hand. “Give me your hand, B.”
We both ignore the way I tremble as I fulfill his request.
“Good girl. You never have to be afraid of me.” He runs my hand over the supple leather and the warm metal. “If you’re nice to her, she’ll be nice to you. This seat is called a sissy seat. It gives the passenger something to relax against so they can enjoy the ride. I want to show you the beauty of my world. You need a little freedom, and there’s nothing that compares to the way you feel riding with the sun, fresh air, and beautiful scenery. I think you’ll love it as much as I do.”
His words are a seduction. His baritone lulls me into a passive state as he paints an idealistic portrait with his words. “Can I give you that gift, B?”
I want to say yes. My body trembles. He releases my hand, wraps an arm around my waist, and pulls me to him. “Put your trust in me for an hour. Let me show you I’m nothing like the man who harmed you.”
“I-I want that,” I whisper honestly. I want to escape the dark cage I’ve been trapped in for months.
“Then let’s get it for you. Come on. First step is getting onto the bike. There’s a foot peg for you to step onto and climb over. Once you’re behind me, I want you to wrap your arms around my waist and hold on tight. When I lean into the curve and the wind, you mimic me. You think you can do that for me, B?”
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Yes.”
“I know you can.” He reaches into his saddlebag and pulls out a black matte helmet. “Safety first with you. Come on.” He mounts the bike with ease and holds out his hand.
I use the peg like he explained and hoist myself up. Sitting down behind him, I suck in a deep breath. I bow my head and breathe in and out as I fight the dizziness.
“Take your time. We’re not in any hurry.” He’s solid in front of me, and comforting. I open my eyes and raise my head.
“You doing okay?”
“I’m hanging in there.” My voice wavers.
“First time is always the scariest. I’m going to turn her on now. You’ll enjoy that part.”
“What do you mean?”
He laughs as the beast roars to life. The vibration makes me gasp. It’s like sitting on one massive toy.
He peers over his shoulder with a blinding white grin. “Was I right?”
I nod my head as moisture builds between my legs. I can’t remember the last time I addressed my womanly needs. They, like so many other things, were put on the back burner as I struggled to survive.
“Feet go onto the pegs just the way you have them now, arms around my waist.”
I wrap my arms around him and press my chest against his back. His leather smells like man, musk, and the outside. His warmth engulfs me, sinking into my bones, and chasing away the permanent chill.
“Hold me like you mean it, girl.”
I tighten my grip, and he covers my hand with his calloused palm. “Much better. I want you to hold on to me tight as you can if you’re scared, and breathe in and out. Can you do that?”
“Yes,” I yell to be heard over the rumble wreaking havoc on my long neglected nether regions. I shift.
“I’m taking you up the Sunrise Highway through the Laguna Mountains.”
I nod my head against his back.
“Hold on.” He takes off, and I put him in a stranglehold as we jerk forward.
My chest grows tight. I open my mouth and breath in and out, focusing on the solid warmth of his body, the musk of his scent, and the rumble of the bike beneath me. The wind tugs at my ponytail and my stomach drops to my feet. Tears well as I struggle to breathe through the ache in my chest and the trembling of my limbs. I can do this. I can do this. I continue to breathe through my nose slow and steady like I’m doing yoga. Jagger isn’t going to hurt me. He’s not Brooks.
Painfully slowly, seconds become minutes, and breathing becomes easier. I pry my eyelids open.
The scenery flies by, disappearing from view like magic. It’s a new way of experiencing travel on the road. We leave the streets and get onto Sunrise Highway. Tall trees line either side of the street. The sun winks through the branches, and I’m enchanted. Minute by minute I slowly relax and begin to enjoy the ride. It’s a huge victory winning over the attacks that have at times paralyzed me. I feel like I’m in the middle of a Bob Ross picture. The pines with their thin branches and the brilliant blue sky bring peace to my troubled soul.
The land changes as we climb along the highway. The trees taper off, and mountains covered with lush green vegetation replace them. The vibration of the bike keeps me wet, and the feel of his lithe body between my thighs contributes to my arousal. I should be embarrassed, but it feels so good, I can’t muster the decency to be the tiniest bit ashamed. I rest my cheek on his back. It’ll be a while before I’m brave enough to fully use the seat behind me, but I like the security that comes with having it there.
I’m sad, but relieved when we turn around. My body isn’t used to being on a bike, and he’s keeping his promise.
Back in the Walmart parking lot, he puts down the kickstand and lowers his feet to the ground. He turns to me. “So, what did you think?”
I act on instinct, rising up on shaky legs to connect out mouths. His lips form an O of surprise, and I plunge my tongue home, gripping his leather-clad shoulders for support as I suck on his tongue. He tastes like mint and man. It’s a heady combination that goes straight to my head. I pull back and trace his lips before I slump back down in my seat.
“I guess you like the ride?”
“So much,” I breathe.
He pats my thigh. “Good, ’cause we’ll be taking plenty more of them.” He climbs off the bike and holds out his hand. “Let me help you down. You might have jelly legs after your first ride. It’s been nearly an hour.” I take his hand and get down on shaky legs. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me to him. “I got you.”
It’s surreal this support and care from a man who’s still very much a stranger. I press my palms against his chest and lean back to meet his gaze.
“You hungry?”
I nod my head. He didn’t ask me what I was hungry for.
“You should stop looking at me like that, B.”
“Like what?”
“Like you want me inside of you as much as I want to be there.”
“Oh.” I can’t hold back the moan that bursts from me.
“Give me your keys, pretty one. I’ll drive, and you can recover your land legs.”
My hand is shaking as I try to reach into my pocket.
“I got it.” He digs into my pocket, and flames lick at me. His fingers brush against my denim clad legs, and I shudder.
He growls as he steers me toward my car. “You don’t know how tempting you are right now.” He bends down, brushing my lips with his. I open my mouth, seeking more. He slips his tongue into my mouth. Our tongues circle and I press my body against his. He tugs at my ponytail, and I gasp. No one’s ever handled me that way. He bites my lower lip. “You like that, B?”
“Oh, yes,” I whisper, stunned by the things he’s awakening inside of me.
“Oh, girl, you and I are going to have so much fun together.” He kisses my forehead and steps away. Despite the age difference, he’s got plenty to teach me. I’ve been sheltered and stunted. I want to experience all the things I’ve missed out on. “Come on.” He unlocks the door and helps me into my seat before he walks around to the driver’s side.
“Why are you so nice to me, Jagger?”
“I have to be nice to someone.”
I cluck my tongue. “I’m serious.”
“So am I. When I bring you around the club, you’ll see what I mean.”
“Jagger? What do you do for your club?” I ask softly.
“Mostly I work in our medical marijuana dispensary.”
“And other times?” My stomach clenches.
“Whatever else needs to be done.”
I grip the seat. He’s not going to incriminate himself, but I can hear the things he’s not saying. We’re not talking about anything legal. Does it really matter? I don’t have an answer to that question. He’s the first ray of sunshine I’ve seen. I’m not ready to let that go.
“Is that going to be a problem?”
“Not yet.”
“You asked a question. So that means I get to ask one.”
“Okay.”
“Are you hiding from someone? Your ex maybe? I notice you always do things to hide your identity.”
“My divorce was extremely high profile.”
He whistles. “Couldn’t have been easy.”
“It’s wasn’t. It still isn’t. I’m constantly afraid they’re going to find me again. I avoid most places.”
“Was he famous?”
“He is now. Before he was a wealthy doctor from a family with old money, so the minute he fell from grace, the press was on it like vultures with a carcass. I always try to downplay who I am. I’m not worried about my husband. He has his own problems not being caught. Coming back here for me would be idiotic. He’s many things, but stupid isn’t one of them.”
“Until he went off the deep end.”
I pause. “No, I think that, too, was part of a bigger plan. What scares me most is not knowing what that was, or if he’s finished with the destruction of the life we once built together.”
“You think he’s hanging around here?”
“I have no clue. I know he must’ve had an idea of what he was going to do after they found my body, and a catalyst for his rash behavior.”
“You think he had a partner?” Jagger asks.
When he speaks the words I’ve been afraid to admit to myself, I close my eyes as the air grows thick. “I–I don’t want to think about it.”
“Then we won’t. But I need you to promise me if you ever feel unsafe, you’ll call me.”
The words warm me from the inside out, chasing away the chill that comes with thinking of Brooks. “I will.”
“All I needed to hear. I hope you’re in the mood for junk food because I’ve been craving In and Out for a few days now.”
Just like that, the dark cloud is placed behind us, and I have something to look forward to.
“How could I say no to In and Out?” I ask.
We end up eating outside and enjoying the sunshine.
“You seem tired today. Everything okay?” he asks.
“I’ve been studying. I left my job as a physical therapist about five years ago to raise my daughter, and I’m thinking about going back to it.”
“A physical therapist? I’m impressed, B.”
“I loved it. But it was demanding. You get attached to every patient, and saying good-bye or seeing them reject their new limitations can be heartbreaking. I’ve been out of the loop for so long …” I shake my head. “I’m not sure I can step back in and pick up where I left off.”
“I think you could. You’re a strong woman. If you want this, you should go for it.”
I pop an animal fry in my mouth and chew on it thoughtfully. “You really think so?”
“I know so. You’ve got an almost maternal vibe to you. I’m not surprised your career involved helping people heal.”
“The best part about it was knowing I’d made a difference in someone’s life. I think we all want to make our mark on the world. This was my way do that and see it happen in real time.”
“The way your face lights up, I think you’ve already made up your mind.”
I push the animal sauce around. “Maybe. It’s going to be a game of politics to get someone to give me a chance. I been out the loop for a while, and I didn’t keep in touch with my contacts.”
“Did you leave on bad terms?” he asks.
“No.”
“See, you’ll be fine.”
We finish our food in a relaxed silence. How messed up is it that I’m the only one with doubts about wether I can pull this off or not? When was I brought down so low? How the hell am I going to find my way back? It’s a maze of emotions, learned behavior, fear, and suppression. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Dr. Adams told me that up front. I’m holding up a mirror and looking at my situation for what it really was. I may not have been afraid of Brooks physically, but emotionally I’d been walking around on eggshells for years. He was an emotional terrorist pressing buttons, causing guilt, and persuading me in an almost cult-like fashion that he had all the answers, and I just didn’t know any better, little country bumpkin that I was. I was so naïve. It’s probably why he chose me. Fresh out of high school, he scooped me up young, courted me through my years at school, and molded me the way he wanted. I didn’t know any better, and by the time I did, it was too late. We had a daughter, the perfect home, bills, joint property, and an image to uphold.
Deep down, I always knew he’d make my life hell if I tried to leave. Because no one messed with the Birling legacy. Until you crash landed it. What the hell were you trying to do, Brooks? Part of me fears he’s not done with me yet.
***
“Are you going to hide Freeze from me forever?” Jesse asks.
I peer at her over my coffee mug. “What? I’m not hiding him. I’ve been slowly getting a feel for him.” I set the mug down and shove a piece of bacon into my mouth. The crisp, salty piece of mapled heaven dances along my tongue.
“With or without clothes on?” she asks.
“Jesslynn!”
She giggles, and I shake my head. “You’re still so easy to scandalize, B. Seriously, though, it’s time for mama to get some good loving. That youngin’ looks like he could put a hurting on a girl. The kind that would have you limping and calling him Daddy.”
“You want me to embarrass myself, don’t you?” I whisper, thinking of the vast difference of experience that existed between Jagger and me.
“Girl. The minute you tell him you’ve only been with your ex-husband, he’ll be all over that. He looks like a freak, too. The kind that’ll put a spit polish on your pussy.”
“Jesslynn?”
“I’m good at guessing kink. He’s the strong but silent type who can turn on the charm when he needs to. I bet he’ll blow your back out.”
“Jesslynn Turner, if you don’t shut your mouth,” I hiss as heat floods my body. The thought of his head between my thighs has me tingly.
She laughs. “Oh, I can’t wait to get the call after you do the walk of shame into your house at the wee hours of the morning. He’s had your number from the minute he saw you in the bar, and his whole demeanor changed.” She pops the last piece of Eggo into her mouth, and her eyes dance.
“What are you talking about? You were the one who started a conversation with him.”
“Maybe so, but it wasn’t me he turned into Mr. Nice Guy for.”
I roll my eyes. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Right. So when are we all going out together?”
“Whenever you want to.”
“Are you going to bring him around Whit?”
“It’s a little soon for that, don’t you think?”
“Maybe. But her time in San Diego is limited, and I’m sure she’d feel better if she knew who you were dating. So you should think about that.”
“I’m trying to keep her safe. I don’t know Jagger as well as I could.”
“Hold up. He’s Jagger now?”
“Well. Yeah.” My voice goes soft as I think about the man I’ve gotten to know over the past couple of months.
“Yeah, it’s official, I need to see the two of you together again, and you need to start planning on when and how you’ll introduce him to Whitney.”
“Jess—”
“She’s worried about you.”
“What?” I say, stunned. I thought I was holding it together well.
“Leaving you alone here isn’t easy. She thinks she’s abandoning you, and it’s eating at her. If you show her you’re moving forward with your life, it’ll help put her at ease.”
“Did she tell you this?” I whispered. How could I have overlooked this?
Jess shakes her head. “No, but she didn’t have to. It’s been the two of you against the world for years. This is a huge change, and after all, that’s happened, I think she’s genuinely scared something might happen to you while she’s away. Yes, Freeze can be a bit intimidating, but in this instance, it’d be a good thing.”
“I don’t want to bring a man around who might not be there in six months or a year.”
“Why? You’re not shopping for a husband. You’re enjoying a companion. She’s already wondering where you’ve been disappearing to.”
“Crap. She’s always been too smart for her own good,” I mumble.
“Reminds me of a girl I met when I was little.”
“Now is not the time to make mother-daughter comparisons.”
“Why? ’Cause you see yourself staring back at you?” she asks in a sing-song voice.
“Don’t sound so amused.”
“I’ll try to curb my enthusiasm. So plan something for the three of us. Better yet, maybe see if he has a sexy friend. The leather vest does it for me.”
“Cut.”
“Pardon me?”
“They call the leather vest a Cut.”
“Look at biker bitch number one,” Jess crows.
“You’re such a jerk,” I say, elbowing her as I giggle.
“What? I’m calling it how I see it.”
“You’re so full of it, you little extortionist.”
“Me?” She places her hand on her chest and gasps.
“Yes, you little actress.”
“I’ll arrange something with him. How was your second meeting with the local boutique?”
“Really good. I think we’re going to end up signing a contract before I leave. The ladies in town would love to get a little bling and style straight from the Gold Coast. I’ll set up a special section for it and everything. If it does well, we’ll expand it to include more. I think it’ll give Posh a competitive edge.”
I smile. “Only you would find a way to better your business while on vacation.”
“I can’t let the girls back home think it was all fun and games. They were amazing to let me come.”
“It’s been forever since you took any serious amount of time off, though.”
She sighs. “I know. I just felt compelled to hit it hard. I was in my mid-thirties and not where I wanted to be. I had to change it.”
“And now?”
“Now I’m happy with where the shop is, but not where I am personally. I sacrificed a lot to get where I am now, and I’m feeling that loneliness. Coming here to support you was also a way for me to step back and reexamine my life.”
“I had no idea you felt that way.”
“I know. I hide it easily. But facts are facts. If I want to have kids, I need to seriously consider my options.”
“Wait. Is there a man in the wings I don’t know about?”
She snorts. “No. I wish. That would make this easier. I just can’t see settling. I’ve never done that with anything else. Why would I start now when it comes to the man I’ll be spending the rest of my life with?”
“You shouldn’t. Even when you think it’s right, marriage is a challenge, and people change.”
“That’s what scares me most. I don’t know who I’ll be in ten years, how can I expect another person to change with me in a complementary manner?”
“We’ve seen it done many times back home,” I say.
“Have we, though? I mean, how many of those women do you think are truly happy? We’re all about smoke and mirrors. You put on your best face and hide the ugliness.”
“Pretty cynical, Jess.”
“It’s why I’ve always been single.”
“Your father adores your mama, and vice versa.”
She nods her head. “Yeah, but I think they’re an exception to the rule, not the norm.”
“Have you ever talked to her about this?”
“She says when it happens I’ll know and it’ll change my view on everything.” Sighing, Jess rolls her eyes.
“Maybe she’s right. She looked at your dad at thirteen and told him, ‘I’m going to marry you one day, boy,’ and five years later, she sure as hell did.”
“That was a different time. I think we’ve been told we can have it all and it’s not realistic. It’s why divorce is so prevalent. We have to be willing to meet in the middle, compromise, and give up a few things. I don’t know if I am.”
“For the right man who was doing the exact same thing for you?”
She sighs. “Maybe, or maybe I’m just selfish, and I should be alone.”
“Now that’s the small town we grew up in talking. Chasing your dream, fulfilling yourself, and gaining an independent financial security before you pursue love is not a bad thing. How can you give yourself to someone when you’re still trying to figure out who you are, and what you want? Everyone’s journey is different. Don’t be hard on yourself because yours is unique. To be made for you it couldn’t be the run of the mill.”
“You always have the right words to make me feel better.”
“Ditto, babe.”
“Enough touchy feely. Hook me up with a biker before I leave. I want to mark it off my bucket list.”
“Why would my mom know a biker?” Whitney mumbles as she stumbles into the room with heavy-lidded eyes.
“You want breakfast, baby?” I ask as I stand to make her a plate.
“Yes, please. What’s up with you and bikers?”
“Yes, what is up with that?” Jesse asks, placing her hand on her fist as she flutters her long lashes.
In for a penny, in for a pound. I pop two Eggos into the toaster, grab a banana, and pour a cup of coffee with cream and sugar.
“I have a new friend I’ve been spending time with.”
“Oh my God, I knew it! You never text, and I’ve heard you giggle a few times.” Whitney points at me. “But wait, this guy is a biker? How did you even meet him? What’s his name? Is this, like … serious?”
The toaster pops, and I turn, stalling as I finish compiling her breakfast. I slide the plate over to her.
“Aunt Jess and I met him when we went out for a girl’s night. His name is Freeze, and I don’t know what we are. We hang out, do fun things, and text back and forth. He knows I’m not looking to jump into a relationship. He’s not either.”
“Does he know about me?” Whitney asks.
“A little. He knows I have a daughter, but I never get too deep.”
“Why not?” she asks, picking up her Eggo and taking a monster-sized bite.
“Because I don’t know him that well yet, and I want to keep you safe.”
“Mom, at this point, it’d be pretty hard for something worse to happen to this family.”
Her sarcasm stings. “Whitney?”
“What? Are we going to pretend Dad didn’t snap and try to kill you? We go off to our separate doctors, purge, and return home where we avoid the topic altogether.”
“I’m always here to listen.”
“I don’t want you to listen. I want you to talk. Share with me. Tell me how you feel. Because I know you’re not okay. You act like you are, but that’s bullshit.”
“Whitney Pearl!”
“No, Mama. You want me to tell you how I feel? Well, this is it. Stop acting like you’re Superwoman and be real with me.” She slams her palms down on the counter, and I blink.
I place a hand on my chest as I begin to hyperventilate.
“Mom.”
“B?”
I grip the edge of the counter. Tears well in my eyes and I shake as my stomach protests.
“She’s having a panic attack.”
I nod my head and walk away from their penetrating gazes. My chest loosens, and I focus on getting my breaths under control. Sweat beads on my forehead. I move to the bathroom, turn on the faucet, and splash my face. The cool water grounds me, and my breathing slows.
“What the fuck was that?” Jess whispers from the doorway.
I glance over at the two faces dearest to me.
“That was a panic attack. You want me to say I’m not okay, Whit? I’m not. Not by a long shot. But it doesn’t mean I can’t fake it because, at the end of the day, I’m still your parent. I’m the one who needs to be solid to help you. I’m horrified by your father’s actions. It makes me sick even thinking about it. It also makes me angry, frightened, and completely unsure of anything else. How could I spend almost twenty years with a man who could try to murder me? I have a lot going on beneath my surface, and I keep it locked up tight because if I don’t, I panic. You want real? There it is.”
“Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“And I didn’t want you to. You think I like you seeing me like this?” I shake my head. “It’s embarrassing to not be in complete control. What happened shorted something inside of me. I get antsy and nervous. I don’t like to be around crowds or men I don’t know. Freeze is different. He feels safe, and when I’m with him, I can relax. So yes, he’s important to me for reasons I can’t even explain. He’s scary at first glance, but really nice, at least to me which is honestly all I care about. Because if there’s one thing I learned about life is that it’s to be lived to the fullest every second of the day. Just not at your expense. So, please let me work my way up to this.”
“All right, Mama. I’m sorry,” Whitney whispers.
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”
“I do. I didn’t mean to explode. I couldn’t take the silence that’s settled between us. I’m so angry at Daddy and confused. Why? Why would he do that?” Her lower lip trembles and I stifle the urge to pull her into my arms. She needs the chance to get this all out.
“We may never know, honey. When I looked into his eyes, the man we knew and loved was not present.”
She balls her fists. “I hate him for what he’s done to us. But he’s still my dad. How can I be loyal to you and feel like that?” She shakes her head.
“We’re able to feel a multitude of emotions at the same time. One doesn’t necessarily cancel out the other. No matter what happens, he will always be your father, and there’s plenty of good memories before this. I’m not asking you to choose a side.”
Her body shakes. “Mama.”
I rush forward and pull her to my side. She rests her head on my shoulder, and I smooth my hand through her light brown curls. She’s tall like her father, at five-foot-ten-inches, with a slender waist, and my curves from the hips down. It’s a dangerous combination for a young woman, and I’ve had my shotgun ready for the boys since she hit thirteen. “It’s going to be all right, little bug. It’ll take time, a lot of therapy, and honesty, but we’ll get through it the same way we’ve gotten through everything else.”
She wraps her arms around my waist, and I peer over at Jess who slowly backs away, leaving the two of us to bond. The storm gates are breaking, and feelings are flooding over. Maybe that’s a good thing.