CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Nevada
I’m going to be a father. I lean back in the seat. With Nevada resting, the silence that’s fallen over the room gives me time to think. With everything happening, I haven’t had a moment to just be. The minute I learned about the baby I was terrified of losing it. Whatever remains locked up inside my head is still felt in my heart. It’s a strange way to live half in and half out of like some damned ghost. I take her small hand in mine and run my thumb over her soft skin. It calms me. I squint my gaze, cursing my body for failing me. We look happy in pictures and I want that back. I know she’ll think this is about the baby, but it’s not.
There’s a piece of me missing. I think it has to do with the woman lying in bed. A knock sounds on the door. I glance up and see Hulk hovering in the distance. I scowl. There’s no love lost between the two of us. He steps in and stares at our hands.
“You remember now?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yeah it does. She deserves better than to be cast aside later when you get bored.”
“Funny, you didn’t seem to realize that.”
“Fuck you, Wizard.”
“No. you fucked up with her. She’s still fighting the demons you unleashed in her mind, not me. I’ve been nothing but good to her. I claimed her, and that baby in her belly is mine, so you don’t get a say. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if she’d want you in here right now. The Doctor said she needs rest. I’m not risking her or my child’s health because you suddenly developed a conscious. Get out.”
“You can’t do that.”
I kiss Nevada’s hand, rest it on the covers, and stand. “Try me.”
Hulks eyes shift around the room. He’s weighing the risks. I’d love to lay into him with my fists. He deserves to feel a smidgeon of the pain he continues to inflict on his daughter. Regardless of the memory loss, she’s mine to care for, and I won’t have him stepping in and trying to come between us. I have a precious thing to protect now. Pregnant. I never imagined myself as a father, but now that I find myself in this position I’m ready to rise to the occasion.
“You’re not worth it.”
“Don’t come back unless you’re invited,” I say standing my ground as he flips me off and leaves, slamming the door.
The thought of being a deadbeat disgusts me. I was man enough to make the baby, so I’m damned sure going to be man enough to take care of him or her. I don’t run out on my family and this new life is my very own flesh and blood. I smile imagining a tiny replica of Nevada with big green eyes, dark hair, and delicate features. We’ll get this sorted out and make it work. Her eyelids flutter open. “Who was that?”
I pause. I could lie, but I don’t want to lose any of her trust. “Hulk.”
She grimaced. “What did he want?”
“To see you. I wasn’t sure if you were up to it, so I sent him away. Told him not to come back unless he had an invite.”
“From who? You?”
I shake my head. “No, from you. Doc said you need to keep calm, and nothing raises your blood pressure faster than a conversation with your father.”
She sighs. “Thank you for keeping him at bay. I’m not ready to go there with him.”
“I know I’m not the man you remember, but I’m here for you. Both of you.”
She smiles. “That is very much like the man I remember.”
Her stomach rumbles and I chuckle. “Let me track down one of your nurses.” I step outside and head toward the desk.
“Hi, Angie. I was wondering if you could tell me when Nevada might be able to get something to eat. She just woke up and her stomach is protesting being empty.”
“Oh, I’ll order a meal for her now. Does she have any allergies I should know about?”
“None that I know of.”
“Okay, I’ll call in an order.”
“Thank you.”
I return to the room and find Nevada propped up in a sitting position.”
“They’re ordering a tray for you.”
“Thank you.”
I study her face. Some of the color has returned.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’m getting over the worst case of flu you can imagine on top of being shot.”
“Being shot I know. Pregnancy not so much.”
She laughs. The bell like sound is enchanting and warm. I step forward, chasing the warmth it evokes in my chest.
“You don’t have to baby sit me, Wiz. I couldn’t go anywhere if I wanted to.”
“I thought we were getting got know each other again. Can’t do that if I’m stuck in some hotel room.”
“You’re serious?”
“Have I ever been the type to kid around?”
“You had your moments.” She smiles and I wish I was let in on the secret.
“You’re remembering something.”
“Yeah. We had some good times together, Wiz. But no, you wouldn’t joke about something like this. I’m just…overly emotional and will be for the next oh five to six months.”
“Kind off understandable, you are growing a human.”
“Oh my God, could you make that sound more Alienesque?” she asks referencing the 80s horror movie.
“Well, I could—”
“No. don’t, please. I can wait until I feel it swimming inside me to start thinking about chest bursters, thanks.”
“Here I was just trying to help you prepare.”
“Oh, you’re too kind.”
“This sassy side of you is new. I like it.”
Her head jerks toward me. “I keep telling you I’m organized.” Her voice trails off.
“We’ve had this conversation before?”
She smiles sadly. “In another life. Yeah.”
“I’m still the same man, Nev.”
Her eyes widen. “Say that again?”
“I’m still the same man?”
“No, the other part.”
“Nev.”
She smiles and nods her head. “If you’re going to stay, we might as well find something on the television.”
I let her steer the conversation away from her odd response, and sit in the chair beside her bed and turn on the television. We have time to make this right. There’s no point in rushing it.
***
Nevada
I’m not sure how to feel as I slowly dress in the cream-colored maxi dress with a large pink rose pattern all over it. Did he remember this was one of my favorite outfits? He’d packed the bag like he knew me. I had everything I would’ve placed there myself. I want to believe the old Wizard is in there. But I’m afraid it’s a case of me grasping at straws and seeing what I desperately want to see. He’s come daily to visit. We’re friendly. I still enjoy his company, but we’re both walking on eggshells. Today we’ll head to my house and get me packed up. We’ll be driving cross country to the home I’d left in a hurry. I’m conflicted about that.
I liked my little one bedroom and my job. If we crash and burn I won’t have anything to fall back on. I’d protest, but I know from experience, Wizard is stubborn, and the little one deserves a chance for two parents. I slip into a pair of pink flip flops and began to work through my tangled locks. Laying in a bed and being monitored for three days did nothing for my hair. I can’t wait to get home and take a nice hot shower. The thought of Wizard joining me in the small space makes my belly flutter. He’s a large imposing man. My hormones spike. Down girl. The man doesn’t see you that way anymore.
I finish detangling my hair and a knock comes.
“Come in.”
Wizard steps inside carrying a bouquet of pale pink tulips.
I gasp and cover my mouth.
“You don’t like flowers.”
“Why did you choose those?” I whisper.
“It just felt right. Why? Are you allergic?”
“No. They’re my favorite.”
“Oh.” He sighs. “Well, here.” He shoves them toward me stiffly. I narrow my eyes looking for glimpses of knowledge. How much does he know without realizing it? I take the flowers and inhale their aroma. “Thank you, Wiz.”
He clears his throat and scrubs at the back of his neck. “You’re welcome. Let me get your bag and we’ll get you checked out.”
There’s a quiet calm that falls between us as we go through the motions and I follow him outside to the black SUV he’d purchased for me. He opens the door and I climb in, wincing as pain flares up in my leg.
“Nev?”
The nickname is a saving grace. The sign that maybe somehow this mess of a situation will work out.
“I’m okay. It’s just the bullet wound, not the baby.”
He relaxes and I smile up at him. He might not remember everything, but his dedication to me and our child is real. That’s something I can hold on to. It’s surreal having him here with me in the state I’m named after. I’d spent so much time relearning how to live without him. The first couple of weeks had been the worst, crying myself to sleep, tossing and turning because the bed felt too empty. I built up a wall and pep talked my way into the mindset of a woman ready to take on the world alone.
I think I wrote off any chance of him getting back his memories. It made it easier. Then I found out I was pregnant, and I was thrown for another loop. If it wasn’t for the baby he wouldn’t be here now. I cannot forget that. I lean forward and turn on the radio, eager for an escape as the air conditioner pumps cool air in an attempt to combat the sticky summer heat.
“I figure we’ll pick up your prescriptions and then go to the grocery store. The kitchen’s pretty bare.” He’s been in my home. The space I’d claimed for myself has been invaded and tainted with his memory. If this goes south, I’ll have to start all over. My stomach churns. I want to be hopeful, but I’m afraid. Losing him twice would devastate me.
“That’s fine.”
He steers into the Walmart parking lot, hops out and comes around to open my door. I take his hand and a jolt runs through my body. He blinks and I know he felt it too.
“I’m starting to understand a few things,” he mumbles.
I step down and remove my hand from his, ignoring his statement. I’m not mad that he was in an accident, I’m practicing self-preservation. I let myself come to depend on him. I got used to having him around and life showed me that even the most devoted could be snatched away. Our connection was rendered obsolete with one knock to the noggin. I focus on putting one foot in front of the other and pretending like my heat isn’t outside of my chest walking beside me. He never knew I loved him. Now I wonder if he ever will.
I regret holding off on speaking my mind, if only for the fact that I’ll never know the way he once felt. Did he feel the same way? The question haunts me as we enter the store in some sort of strange limbo. He grabs a grocery cart and we walk to the produce in some weird television show version of life. Boy claims girl. Girl falls hopelessly in love, and boy loses his memory. This is prime Lifetime Movie Network gold. Too bad it’s actually my life.
“You’re quiet,” he observes.
I snicker. “Takes one to know one.”
“Yeah, but that’s me. I don’t think it was ever you. Been missing the sound of your voice around the house back home.”
“I thought you didn’t remember anything?” I say skeptically.
“Not the details, but I get impressions. I have a sense of how certain things were.”
“Like a game of hot potato?”
“Well, yeah. Which is why I know silence from you is odd. I’ve never been good at small talk, but we managed fine. I can feel it in my gut.”
“We did,” I agree.
He smiles, and I feel my resolve weaken. I can see the man I fell for peering out through his eyes, making it impossible to be completely closed off. Torn, I refocus my attention on a safe topic, shopping. I grab an extra-large bag of Honey Crisp apples and place them in the cart.
“Baby likes apples,” I mumble.
His lips twitch up and he nods, intelligently choosing to keep his comments to himself.
***
Propped up with a pillow and a foot stool on the couch, with a full belly, and meds flowing through my veins, I’m feeling amicable. I lean against Wizard, soaking up his warmth and the sense of security his very presence brings. Star Wars is playing on the television and his scent is wrapping me up like a warm blanket. My eyes droop and I drift off, landing somewhere between sleep and waking where everything in my life makes sense.
A sharp rap at the door startles me awake.
“You expecting company?” Wizard asks.
“No,” I mumble as I rub my eyes.
“Stay here.” He stands, and a few moments later I hear a gun cock. My gut twists itself in knots as I make the final swim to full consciousness. I find myself dropping off to sleep at the drop of a hat these days. The books say it’s normal in the first trimester. I miss my energy.
Wizard puts the safety back on and sighs heavily. He opens the door.
“Laura, what the hell are you going here?”
“Mom?” I whisper.
“Your father called me. Apparently you got yourself into a situation?” She steps inside, all tight jeans, low cut tank top, and big platinum blonde hair. I blink up at her, wondering if I’m still asleep. I haven’t seen her in over a year, and Dad calling her is unheard of. She places her hands on her hips.
“I thought you knew better.”
“Dad called you?” I repeat, still shocked.
“Yes. He’s worried about you.”
I scoff. “That would be a new one.”
She shakes her head. “You’re in the prime of your life. What are you doing getting knocked up? Didn’t you learn anything from the disaster your father and I were?”
“Wow, Mom, you realize you’re including having me in that very disparaging sentence, right?”
“I was too young, and so are you. You need to live your life, not be taking care of a kid. God. You’re going to look back and regret it if you go through with this. That’s why I came here in person. I refuse to let history repeat itself. You’ve always been such a smart girl. I never thought I’d have to worry about this with you.”
My jaw drops. Is she suggesting what I think she is?
“That’s my kid you’re talking about, Laura. I’d watch my mouth If I were you.” Wizard’s voice had gone quiet. The kind of soft, that tells me he’s ready to snap his jaws shut on her like a crocodile.
“Oh, I know it is. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“As far as I’m concerned, what me and my Old lady do is none of your fucking business. I know your spineless ex put you up to this. He’s not man enough to come at me a second time, ‘cause he knows I’d handle it my way. I’ll tell you the same thing I did him. Nevada is not to be upset right now, so you can leave and come back when and if you’re invited.”
“You can’t kick me out.”
“Funny, cause that’s exactly what I’m doing.” He opens the door. Her jaw drops and she peers from me to him. It’s comical, and the little girl inside me rejoices. He stood up for me. It’s all I ever wanted. Someone to take my side and put me first. I shift on the couch.
“He’s my Old Man, what he says goes, and for the record, we could never be you and Dad. That takes a special brand of selfish ignorance neither of us possesses. I love you because you gave me life, but you were never much of mother. Not really. I’ve accepted that, but I never spoke my mind. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I was afraid to break the tenuous bond we actually have. Not anymore. I can’t afford to do that. You know why? Because I just found out I’m going to be a mother. I already love the life growing inside me. There are a million things I cannot wait to experience with her or him, and most of all, I can’t imagine ever leaving my baby the way you did me. I’m not sure what our relationship will look like going forward, but I know this. If you ever come at me again like you just did, I will cut you off permanently. Now I think you should listen to my Old Man and leave while he’s still feeling polite.”
It feels good to purge that nastiness that’s been built up inside me. What she did wasn’t okay. I’ve held my tongue and remained silent when it came to her and my father for too long. I’m moving forward with set boundaries, because this will never touch my child.
Speechless, my mother shuffles away and Wizard close the door.
“I’m proud of you, rabbit.”
My heart skips a beat.
He blinked. “Why did I call you that?”
“Because you always do,” I whisper feeling like he just handled me the world on a platter.
“You did good. However you want to handle your parents, I’ll back you, but I won’t let them walk all over you.”
“Neither will I. I’m going to be someone’s mother, I can’t afford to be the girl I once was.”
He smiled. “I don’t know, I liked that girl. Don’t go changing her completely.”
I can’t stop the answering smile that curves my lips. “Only tweaks will be made.”
He returns to the couch and huffs, “Now I need to rewind the movie.”
I laugh as I rest my head against his shoulder. Maybe this can work.