CHAPTER ONE
My Sister’s Keeper
Blue
I slump down in the bucket seat of my black Charger, delivering a mental pep talk as I gather my courage. It’s past time I tell Jamie I think we need a break. We’ve been doing the exclusive dating thing for over a year, and week by week I’m dying a little bit more inside. The man is everything I said I wanted. The total package most women pray for.
Jamie Rolf Stevenson is dependable, mature, successful, and attractive. Hell, he’s even taller than me. At five foot eleven inches, that isn’t always the easiest requirement to fulfill. With his light brown hair cut close to his head, an easy smile, and large, dark blue eyes, he’s a major catch.
I understand this. So why am I thinking of stepping back? Why do I feel completely suffocated?
When we get intimate, it’s like the air is being sucked from my lungs as I force myself to make the proper sounds and whisper the right words of encouragement. My stomach rolls and I know I’m at the end of the line. I can’t push this back any longer.
No matter how much I try to deny it, the truth is there, staring me in the face. Mr. Perfect doesn’t do it for me. No amount of getting to know him better or focusing on his best qualities will change the fact that he doesn’t get me wet. Achieving an orgasm with him is akin to running a marathon: long, arduous, and completely exhausting. I can stand being intimate with him, but there’s no passion, at least not on my end. Sex aside, the organ that beats within my chest remains traitorous. I love him as a friend, nothing more. Shame rolls through me. I’m still not over my little girl dreams.
I hate to prove that bitch right. I sneer as I think of the mocking jeers from my sister, Calla, when she first met Jamie.
“There’s no way that prep gets you wet and makes you feel like a woman. You come from Psycho Strong, the same as me. It takes one hell of a man to measure up to our daddy.”
I told her off at the time. Guess I’ll be eating crow now. Treat it like a band aid and rip it off. Properly psyched, I put on my big girl panties, exit the car, and make the short walk up the stone path cutting through his immaculate yard. I climb the three steps to the front porch and knock.
The door opens to reveal Jamie, aglow with joy. His blue eyes sparkle and his grin is downright blinding in the fading sunlight.
“Did I miss something?” I ask.
“Today is a special day,” he says.
I mentally run through my calendar. It’s not an anniversary, his birthday, or a holiday. I frown. “You want to fill me in?” I ask, forcing a smile. The hairs on the back of my neck and arms stand on end. The clues are telling me this is about to get awkward as hell.
“You’ll see.” He takes my hand and guides me inside.
I blink, adjusting to the dim lighting. A trail of rose petals leads away from the door and disappears into the kitchen. My gut clenches. I turn to him and realize he’s wearing a suit. “Jami—”
“No, relax. It’s my turn to take care of you.”
“I don’t want you to take care of me,” I say, quickly back stepping. I have a sinking suspicion what he has planned, and I want no part of it.
Jamie frowns. “Why is it so hard for you to accept affection from me?”
“That’s not true. You’re one of the best huggers I’ve ever met. I tell you that all the time.”
“Yes, it is true. That’s small. I’m talking big picture. If I buy you anything, it’s too much. If I treat you to nice things, you get uncomfortable. Like I’ll hold it against you later. I get that you come from a rough background—”
“Can we just not do this?” I ask, instantly put on edge.
The Kings of Chaos have always been a bone of contention between us. He doesn’t understand the lifestyle or the reality I live in. People think it’s like the shit they see on the television, or a choice. One you’re born into, and short of leaving everything you know behind to go somewhere no one knows you, it’s a label that sticks for life. I happen to be proud of that. You never have to walk through life alone. How many people can say that? Not many. Sure, it has its downsides. What in life doesn’t?
“Are you telling me I’m wrong?” Jamie asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
The defensive position and the challenging tone rub me the wrong way. I didn’t come here to fight.
He huffs.
My lip curls up involuntarily. Bitch. There lies the core of my issue. I need a man. A masculine man who could take care of business when necessary and make me feel secure and feminine. Jamie doesn’t do that. He can’t. His cookie cutter life hadn’t taught him the lessons mine had. It’s what makes us incompatible romantically. “You’re talking about something you know nothing about.”
“I know plenty.” His eyes flash with an anger I’ve rarely seen.
I take a step back, unsure what he’s going to do next.
“I love you, Blue. I want to marry you.” He drops onto one knee in front of me.
All I hear is white noise and the blood rushing in my ears. My vision fades. I sway and catch myself.
Grabbing my limp hand, he brings it to his chest. “You had to know this would happen soon.”
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. My throat closes. I’m choking on all the things I failed to say when I had the chance. My pocket vibrates. “Hail to the Chief” blares from my speaker. “I-I have to take this, it’s my dad. He never calls.”
And I’ve never been so happy to hear from him.
I all but run to the front door, stepping outside and answering, “Hey, Dad, what’s going on?”
“Blue, I need you to come home.” His voice is low and sad, the way it always is when he has something completely fucked up to tell me.
“What happened?” I whisper.
“I’d rather talk to you in person.”
My stomach drops. “I’ll be there in twenty.”
“We’ll see you then.” He hangs up.
The sudden silence in my ear is suddenly deafening. My stomach rolls. Who did we lose this time? I close my eyes. After shoving my phone back into my pocket I step inside, semi-shell-shocked. “I-I have to go, something happened and I need to be with my family.”
“Of course you do,” he growls.
“Hey, I didn’t plan this!” I snap, furious.
“I know, I know. Just…just think about it,” he says. He holds his hands together as if he’s praying.
“I don’t think I should. We’re not right for one another, Jamie.”
“We could be if you’d allow it,” he says. His words have bite to them.
I cringe. The outburt isn’t like him. He’s pissed.
He takes a deep breath. “Do me this one favor, take some time, and weigh it out, Bluebell. We get along. We have a good time, and I know we’d make excellent parents. I could provide for any children we’d have and you if you wanted to stay at home.”
The bastard went for the jugular. I’ve always loved kids. I grew up taking care of them. It’s second-nature, and the main reason I took up Child Education in college. What if he’s my only chance at a regular family? Am I willing to give that up? There’d be no runs to keep Jamie away for weeks at a time, no King chasers to worry about, and no raids by the cops on our home. Doubt makes me hesitate. Do I need passion to be happy? “I—”
“No, go take care of your family. When you have an answer you’re one-hundred percent sure of, come back to me.” He pauses and pulls out a black velvet box. “I want you to wear this.”
“I-I don’t deserve this, Jamie,” I say, mentally begging him to stop.
“You do, and that’s what kills me. You can’t see it.” He shakes his head and pops open the case. Nestled on a bed of silk is a princess cut diamond that I know costs a pretty penny. He He grabs my shaking hand, and slides the ring home. He kisses my cheek sweetly and places a hand on the small of my back. “Go. I’ll see you out.”
I walk to the door feeling like I’m wearing cement shoes. No matter how hard I try to pave my own path outside of KOC, I’m constantly caught in the middle. In the end, for me, all roads lead back to Kings of Chaos. They’ve shaped me more than I want to admit. I’m numb as I pull away from the driveway wondering what the hell lies in front of me and what I’m leaving behind. My mind is a tangled mess of briar patches. I’ve grown dependent on Jamie for more things than I should. He’s my symbol of normalcy in a world that’s anything but ordinary. My peace in the midst of a storm. Maybe that’s love. I’ve never seen a healthy example of it. Perhaps that’s why it feels foreign? Time is the ultimate decider. One way or another, I’ll uncover my truth. I put my foot on the gas and flirt with the speed limit as I travel across town.
I pull up in front of a two-story stucco house with a magnificent yard. It’s not what people think of when they imagine the home of someone in a motorcycle club. With its well-maintained yard, porch swing, and flowerbeds, it screams upper middle class. I throw my car into park and clamber out. My adrenaline is running high, and I’m still tailspinning from Jamie’s bombshell. My hands shake as I unlock the door and step inside. “Hello?”
“In the kitchen, Blue,” my dad calls out.
I lock the door behind me and jog down the hall into the kitchen.
He’s sitting next to my mother at the massive island she finally got him to install when I was ten. The years have been kind to my parents, considering their harsh lifestyle. Pop’s hair is still more pepper than salt, and slicked back from his face. The lines around his eyes and mouth are deep, due to sun exposure and long hours on the road. At six foot two, he still seems larger than life to me.
His mouth is set in a scowl, and his hazel-colored eyes are full of sadness.
“Pops?”
My mother reaches over and grabs his hand, giving it a squeeze.
My legs shake and I grip the counter to remain upright.
Her heart-shaped face is puffy, and her brown eyes are red. “It’s Cal.”
I hold my breath. Is this the moment I’ve feared since she hit sixteen? “She’s dead, isn’t she?” I whisper.
My mother wails.
“What? Fuck no, Bluebell! Why the hell would you say that?” he barks.
“Because she’s been out of control since she hit sixteen, Pops! Can we not ignore the elephant in the room for once?” I say, furious that they always take up for her no matter what she does.
“You best watch your mouth, little girl.” My father’s voice rumbles in his chest and his eyes narrow.
Now I know I’ve pushed him into the pissed off zone. I sigh. “What did she do this time? Why did I have to rush over here? Do I need to bail her out again? Or maybe it’s watching my nephew? No, no let me guess,” I hold up one hand, palm out, “you need me to go collect her drunk ass from another bar.”
“You hate her so much?” my mom asks between sobs, all quivering lips, and tear-filled eyes.
“No, I’m just over her behavior. I don’t feel sympathy for the way things happen to her when she causes it. She never learns, Mom.” I shake my head.
“I wonder if you’ll be able to sit there so self-righteous when I tell you she’s in jail for drug trafficking. Given her previous charges, she’s looking at hard time,” my father says.
“Wait—what?” I ask.
“They caught her trafficking kilos red-handed. She was almost at the border. There’s no explaining our way out of it, and given the hard-on they have for the Kings in this town, there’s no leniency expected. We’ve talked to the club lawyer. He says three years minimum, and that’s with good behavior.”
My heart thuds in my chest. “But what about Bolt?” I ask, thinking of her son.
At sixteen, he still needed a full time caretaker, more so than most, given his current attitude. Dad refused to let him live in his house permanently. The feds continuously study his every move, and he feels like they’ll plant something, find it on a raid, and take Bolt away. Unless he rolled on KOC, of course. We all knew how they played the game.
“That’s why we called you over, girl. You know he can’t stay here with us. They’d haul Bolt out and put him the system so fast, it’d make our fucking heads spin. Shadow still has another six months on the inside for that gun charge. So that leaves—”
“Me.” Like always. Bitterness wells up inside me. I love my family. I’d do anything for them. But I hate the way I’m placed into the role of cleaner extraordinaire. While Calla lived her life to the fullest, screwing up left and right, I was expected to be the exact opposite. Like my goodness and dutiful law abiding could somehow make up for her rash behavior. I thought when she had Bolt things would change.
We were all disappointed to find that wasn’t true, none more so than Shadow. I think he thought he could tame Calla. That somehow, attention, affection, and eventually, a baby would change her wicked and wild disposition. Or maybe, she trapped him, thinking he would make her his Old Lady. It might’ve worked if she hadn’t been trying to dick around with other men every chance she got. The quiet man had always been deeper than a lot of the other brothers looking to have fun. He was the kind the King chasers went after, because they knew he’d make a good old man.
“What do you want me to do, Pops?” I ask, using the childhood nickname to smooth things over.
“Become his guardian and take care of him.”
I run my fingers through my hair.
“The fuck is that shit?” Pop roars.
I flinch. “What is what?”
“This.” He grabs my hand, holds it up, and waves it around. “You marrying that yuppie?” he asks, disgusted.
“I …didn’t get a chance to answer him.”
“Then you’ve already said no,” my mother says.
“No, I didn’t say anything. He asked me to think about it,” I reply, defending him.
“Yeah, right,” my dad huffs. “We both know he’s not the one for you.”
“Then who is, Pop? One of the guys at the club? Oh wait…no, they won’t touch me, so I guess I’m supposed to be solo forever. That way I can always drop everything and come to the rescue.”
“What the hell is wrong with you? I just told you your sister is going to jail long term, and you’re pulling this bullshit? You been away from Kings so long, you forgot what loyalty means. That pretty boy is putting this shit in your brain!”
“No. He’s not doing anything,” I counter.
“Just trying to marry you, and force you to be what he wants. We barely saw you after you started dating him. You think I can’t put two and two together?” Pop asks.
“That had nothing to do with him and everything to do with getting my own life,” I answer, defending him again.
“Life outside of Kings of Chaos? Girl, you were born into this, and you’ll die here. You think moving twenty minutes away from us, and keeping yourself scarce is going to make you exempt from the rules?”
No, but it got you to notice for once, didn’t it? “No.” I drop my head, breaking the intense stare-down occurring between us. “You’re right. Now is not the time or the place. Whatever needs doing, I’ll do. I’m not happy about Cal’s misfortune, I’m scared for her. You know I love Bolt like he’s my own. He’s more than welcome at my place. I’ll sign the papers, and do my best to ease himinto this transition.”
“There’s my Blue,” Pop says.
I nod, embarrassed by how quickly I folded. I claim to want another life, but I’ve never taken any final steps. I’m too attached to my family. It’s not them I want to escape though, it’s the skin I’m trapped in and don’t fit inside of.
“Good. I know it’s a lot at once, but I need you with me on this. You hear me?” he asks.
Glancing up, I nod. “I’m here.”
“You going to take care of this?” He nods toward the ring.
“Yeah, Pop, I will.”
“Good. We want you to move into Cal’s house. I think the boy has had enough upset. We don’t need to add a relocation to a new place to the list.”
His reasoning is sound, but I hate it. My apartment is perfect. An upper scale building where I nabbed a two bedroom close to work, and decorated to my taste, wouldn’t be easy to leave behind. I bit my tongue to hold back the venomous words. This is for Bolt. He deserves far better than what Cal gave him. Maybe I can reach him now…one-on-one. I watched him grow cold as he turned inward and began to form a hard shell around himself to protect him from the hurt she unintentionally inflected. The thought gave me peace. “Where is Bolt now?”
“Spending the night with Rugger and his Old Lady, and their kids.”
“He doesn’t know?” I ask.
“No. I want to tell him tomorrow. Let’s give him one last night to be a child.”
“He hasn’t been that for a long time,” I answer honestly.
He sighs, and I can hear the weight of the world he carries on his shoulders in that one expression of frustration.
“She needs to get her head out of her ass. I’m not coming to her rescue this time. Her bail is fifty thousand dollars.” He shakes his head.
My father’s admission stuns me. “Pres is good for it.”
“That’s not the point.” He runs his hand over his mouth and shakes his head. “She has to stop this shit. She’s thirty-five, and I’m getting old. I can’t keep covering her ass when she fucks up. If she can’t get right…” He shrugs.
My mind fills in the blanks. He’s ready to cut her loose, which means permanent guardianship for me, split with Shadow. “What do you want me to do?”
“Get your things moved over. I’m sending prospects over to load up some trucks and help you relocate. Just the things you need. We’ll get a storage room and get you packed away when all the drama has died down. You’re coming up for renewal on your place, aren’t you?”
I roll my eyes. The man knows everything. “Yes, in a couple of months, but—”
“Good. No sense in paying for the place when you won’t be living there,” he continues, bulldozing over me.
I silently try to wrap my head around the major changes coming down the pipeline at the speed of light.
***
I sit in the chair, shifting as the hard surface wreaks havoc on my rear. I tuck stray strands of hair behind my ear and look around the visiting area. Families and significant others are lined up at small tables across from inmates. I feel out of place and nervous. I didn’t want to be the one to deliver the news.
Not to Shadow.
My cheeks fill with blood, and I thank the Lord above for my mother’s partial African American heritage. The tan tone she provided to me and my sister gives us an almost sun-kissed glow, and thick, dark hair. The club knew, but never mentioned it. Technically, it went against the old by-laws originally written in the post-Vietnam error when racism was rampant.
I trail my fingertip over the table. I’m not afraid of Shadow, not in the way most people would think, he just makes me nervous. I’m always afraid if I’m not careful, he’ll see the things I try so hard to hide.
Another reason I despise Calla.
The door opens, and I turn to see him brought in by a guard.
He’s doubled in size since I saw him during Christmas. My jaw drops, and I can’t help but let my hungry gaze swallow him whole.
His broad shoulders, firm chest, and long russet-colored hair did funny things to my tummy. His beard is kept short and adds to the rugged maleness he exudes without trying.
Ashamed, I break eye contact and pretend my hands have become insanelly interesting.
He sinks into the chair across from me. “Not that I mind, but I wasn’t expecting to see you,” Shadow says.
His gravel filled voice sends chills up my spine. I peer up and catch his grayish blue gaze.
His cobalt eyes narrow, and he’s studying me with the still calm that I associate with him.
“I’d like to say I’m here just because, but that’s not the case,” I admit.
He sighs. “What did she do now?”
His dejected tone makes my heart ache. She put him through hell and back from the minute she got pregnant and didn’t know who that father was. “Drug trafficking.”
“How many months?” he asks.
“We’re thinking years.”
His eyes grow round and he leans forward. “Explain.”
“She had kilos on her, Shadow. They caught her not far from the border.”
“Fuck,” he hisses.
“We got B, I’ll take him. She won’t go to trial for a few more weeks, but considering her priors and the hard-on the county has for the Kings, we’re planning for the worst.”
“Where is he now?” he asks. His jaw turns to stone, and his nostrils flare.
“At home. I’m in the process of moving in.”
“Gave up that sweet place on the north?”
“Yeah, family first.” I shrug.
“Hmmm.”
The doubt in his voice makes my stomach tighten. “You think I’d turn my back on my family?” I ask. My voice shakes, and I curse my inability to mask my emotions.
“No, I think this isn’t your job. We both know you’re more of a mother to my boy than she’s ever been. A better man would tell you to go back to your old life, but there’s no one else I’d trust with him. I got six more months in here if I keep my nose clean. I need you to do this for me.”
“It wasn’t even a question in my mind,” I say.
“Maybe it should’ve been.”
I arch an eyebrow. “I don’t understand.”
“Nothing else to do but think inside. When I get out…we’ll be talking,” he says.
I want to press him for more, but his face clouds over and I know he’s in stoic mode. “I…if you’re okay with the arrangements, there’s some papers I need you to sign.” I remove the papers from the inner pocket of my jacket and slide them across the desk.
The guard moves over to oversee his use of the pen I carefully sit down on the table between us.
I cleared the document signing ahead of time. After all the time I spent in and out of prison visiting people, I could write an etiquette book. Once the paper is signed, the guard takes the pen and I slip the papers back into my pocket.
“Other than the latest Calla cluster fuck, how’ve you been?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I ask.
“Why? Every day is the same for me. I’m just biding my time until I get out.”
“Working, helping Pops and Mom out with Bolt. The usual,” I answer.
“Hmm. What does ole Jamie have to say? Is he onboard for you taking over my son?”
“He doesn’t have any say. We’re on a hiatus.”
He snickers. “Ain’t no such thing.” He nods toward my hand. “And that sparkler says something entirely different.”
“Well, he asked me to think about it. I thought it was the least I could do.”
“You ever get tired of being so saintly, Blue?”
His words sting. I glance away, embarrassed and humiliated in front of the one man I want to see me as a capable woman. “Is it so wrong to want to do what’s right? Maybe people would prefer I behave like Calla?” I spit the words out, pissed he’s hassling me.
“Fuck no. You do that, and I’ll kick your ass myself. All I’m trying to say is…there comes a time when you have to go for yourself.”
“And screw everyone else?” I fire back, furious. “What if this ‘doing for myself’ made me uninterested in caring for your kid? Where would you be then? I got the paperwork I needed. I’ll take my leave.” I push my seat back.
“Sit. That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” he says.
His voice is steady and calm, but I hear the steel in it. I pause.
“Look at me, Blue.”
I do as he asks because I don’t want to make a scene.
“You’ve always put others before yourself, no matter the cost. We ain’t getting no younger.”
Easy to say when you’re the man. Men run everything in the outlaw motorcycle world. They get all the respect, power, and support. It differs from club to club. Some only see women as property to be controlled and pimped out for a price. Kings aren’t like that. They protect their women, but they make sure they know their place. We stay out of club business, partially for protection. The less we know, the safer we are. But there was no way to sugarcoat the dominant role they play. I want to spray the truth at him like venom, but I know better. You don’t disrespect a brother. Especially not in a public place. It would make the Kings look weak. “Easier said than done. Isn’t that the way it always goes?”
“Only if you let it be that way,” Shadow replies.
I refrain from saying something that’ll set him off. People handle doing time in a number of ways. Shadow chooses to go the Zen route. It’s admirable, but right now it’s the last thing I need. Bolt is sullen and moody. The house feels unfamiliar, and I’m still re-adjusting to life under the Kings of Chaos microscope. Calla lived for them. Her home is less than ten minutes from the club, and just two streets over from Dad’s. The boys frequently come through to check up on us, and I’m drowning in the life I haven’t lived since my teen years.
“We both know this is a man’s world, Shadow.”
“Only if you have the wrong man,” he says.
“You know I’m not with a King. Civilians don’t get it.”
“And that’s why you might want to rethink your options,” Shadow surmises.
“You going to give me the Chaos conversation?” I quirk a brow up.
He smirks. “Nope.”
I roll my eyes.
He chuckles. “How’s Bolt dealing with things?” he asks, shifting the conversation.
I take the out and latch onto it like a starving leech. “He has short periods where he seems okay and well-adjusted. Most of the time, he’s lashing out in different ways. It’s an ever shifting environment of moods. I understand why. Doesn’t make it less challenging, though. I’m trying set realistic boundaries. He needs that.”
It’s a harsh truth, but it’s nothing Shadow doesn’t already know. When he was out, he made sure to keep Bolt in line and on the right track. Without his guidance, it’s been a rocky three years. “Can’t blame him. He hasn’t had stability with me in here. I could wring her neck for this.” His jaw clenches.
I want to know what he saw in her. She wasn’t his type. Her reputation as a party girl was established long before they started messing around. It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask.
“Time’s about up,” the guard says.
“Come back and see me in a few weeks. Keep me posted on my son. I’ll call to the house every couple of days. The boys will take care of the bill.”
I nod, and we say our good-byes. I’m being shuffled in a deck of cards. The game is already in mid-play, so there’s no stopping now.