CHAPTER ONE
Ruthie
My hands shake as I travel the familiar roads. I clutch the steering wheel tighter to stop the trembling. My knuckles stand out thinner than usual and pale. The last thing I want to do is be surrounded by members of The Kings of Chaos M.C. today. My wounds are too fresh. There’s a reason people don’t date friends of friends. If it doesn’t work out or ends badly, eventually the two of you are forced to face each other. Usually, before either party is ready.
These are things I learned in high school, so why did I date Skull?
I can produce no rational explanation for my recent choices. Everything about us was unexpected. The moment our lips met, I fell into a state of temporary insanity. The fire between us burned brighter than my caution and preconceived notions.
I don’t do bikers. After a lifetime of watching my best friend and daughter of an M.C. member grow up in this world, I know better. It’s a hard lifestyle to live, and few relationships can survive it. It takes a special woman to handle the secrets, danger, and the patriarchal society. Skull set me at ease in a way no man before him ever had. I couldn’t walk away from the repartee and bonding. I’m not young or naive. I’ve lusted after men and scratched enough itches to know the difference between physical attraction and whatever it was we had. I thought we had a real shot at a decent relationship.
Clearly, I was wrong.
Bitterness rises and sours in my mouth like lemonade in need of more sugar. I pull my car into Blue’s driveway and take a deep breath as I park. She and her husband, Shadow are grilling out today. After the messiness of the past couple of months, the celebration is desperately needed. Bombings, inner turmoil, and rule changes have shaken up the M.C. I haven’t seen her or my pseudo godson, Bolton, in weeks. It’s the only reason I agreed to come today. Regardless of what’s going on with Skull and me, these people are family.
Thoughts of Tritt Alexander Matthews, better known as Skull makes my chest ache. He’s a virus that got into my bloodstream and altered my behavior. Despite his philandering, I can’t seem to get the man out of my mind. I never thought of myself as the type of woman who would stand for disrespect. It’s disheartening to learn otherwise. Why would he give up all that freedom for me? The first night we hooked up, he warned me he didn’t do commitment. I should’ve listened. Instead, I let down my guard, slipped into like and landed in love with a man I shouldn’t have. My vision wavers. I suck in a deep breath and struggle to keep the tears in check. Talk about bad timing. A year ago, he would’ve been the perfect fuck buddy.
Of course, he had to show up after I was ready to settle down. I’m not getting any younger, and the pickings are slim. The charming, handsome, funny bastard slipped right through my barriers. I dash away the teardrops that escape and give myself a mental high-five for having the foresight to use waterproof mascara. I might be heartbroken, but I don’t have to look the part.
The sound of a bike coming behind me sets me into motion. I open the car door, step out, and smooth down my black romper. The cut out top hugs my C cups and leaves a sliver of skin bare between my breasts. I went shopping just for this occasion. I want him to realize all he’s lost.
I might’ve forgiven his transgression in time, if he had tried to make up for it. He did the exact opposite, shutting down and walking away. The sight of his cut as he left me hurt and embarrassed still lingers in my brain.
I’m not vindictive by nature. But this has me tied up in knots. I lopped off four inches of my burgundy hair, leaving me with a sleek bob that brushes my shoulders and a fringe of bangs. I’m put together on the outside. It’s the inside that’s a twisted mess. I glance over my shoulder and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s not Skull. I nod at Wrench and wait for him to pull his bike into the driveway beside me.
He kills the engine and lets out a low whistle. “Damn, Ruthie. It’s hot enough out here without you making me sweat with that outfit.”
I laugh at his cheesiness. “Charmer.”
He grins and offers his arm. “Come and make me look good by walking in with me.”
I slip my arm in his. The scent of worn leather and man engulfs me. It’s a familiar smell, but all wrong at the same time. Skull is crisp, fresh like the air coming off the ocean and wild like the earth after it rains. I step carefully in my black six-inch strap on heels with a bright floral pattern. The shoes make me feel powerful and add height to my five foot five stature. I hold my head high as we enter the crowded backyard. Greetings come our way. I wave.
I scan the crowd and lock eyes with Blue, who arches an eyebrow. The questions in her eyes makes me smirk. Friends since before high school, I can read her like a book. I shake my head slightly. No, I’m not revenge dating. I know better, a woman does not cause trouble between brothers.
I slip my arm free and pat Wrench’s arm. “Thanks for the escort. I’m going to join up with the girls.” I nod toward the group of women gathered on the opposite side of the yard.
“Any time, Lady,” Wrench says.
“Check out the sexy redhead.” Dixie Rose releases a low whistle.
“Shut up.” I soften the words with a smile as we hug.
“I recognize this outfit,” Blue says.
“What? I just bought this jumper.”
“Exactly,” Blue replies. “It’s the post break up ensemble and haircut. Both are amazing, by the way.”
“Thank you. There were two ways to handle this, by working out or binging on junk food. I’m about to hit my mid-thirties, and metabolism is not as kind as it once was, exercising won.”
Blue holds her arms out, and we hug. I linger in the comforting embrace of my oldest friend.
“How are you?” Dixie Rose asks.
“Not great. How could I be so damn blind? He never pretended to be something he wasn’t. I should’ve expected something like this from him. God, we were together for less than a year, and I use that term loosely, so why am I moping around like some teen with her first break up?”
“Time doesn’t have anything to do with the depth of feeling. Trust us,” Blue states.
I smile. “What you two found is rare. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.”
“Not necessarily, I think you’re writing it off too soon,” Dixie Rose adds. “You guys had a falling out and then the club got rocked hard. He couldn’t come to you if he wanted to.”
“No, but he didn’t have to go radio silence,” I retort not about to let him get away with bad behavior.
“True,” Dixie Rose agrees.
“Now that things are settled, are you willing to let him try to mend things?” Blue asks.
I see the picture of the girl giving him head in my mind. Who saves that on their phone? My face heats. I ball my fists. He had said, What? You’re mad over a little road head? How do you think we all take the edge off when we’re traveling? The nonchalance in his words were a kick to the gut. But the time we spent before that, was damn near perfect. “I don’t know.”
“You might want to make some tough decisions, ‘cause he just walked in,” Dixie Rose announces.
My mouth dries out, and my heart races. I force myself not to look over my shoulder. “Is he coming this way?”
“Not yet, but he’s staring a hole through you right now,” Blue smirks.
“Good,” I reply ready to immerse myself in something else. “D’Rose, tell me how the wedding planning is going.”
“Good. We’re going to do something simple on the beach in a few months when the weather cools off. I meant to ask if you and Blue will be my matron of honor and maid of honor.”
We both let out squeals and hug her.
“Of course, I will!”
Dixie Rose laughs. “Thanks, girls. There’s no one else I’d want to be standing up there beside me.”
I’m glad I came. I wouldn’t miss this moment for the world.
“I brought some magazines,” Dixie Rose says with a shrug. “I have a concept in my head I want to execute. Echo is leaving all the details up to me, which is great, and not at the same time.”
“You have us here to make sure everything goes smoothly,” Blue reminds her.
I love the camaraderie. Blue is one of the most loyal people I know. She has shown me sisterhood was possible with someone not related by blood. I thank the fates that placed us together in middle school. “Well, let’s get out of this heat and let the boys and old ladies do their thing.” I can feel Skull’s gaze trained on my back as we walk inside. My stomach does somersaults. I kick myself. I need to be done with him, not swooning over him. “What colors are you thinking of?” I ask eager to help.
“My dress is a blush pink, and since it’s on the beach, I think the dresses are going to be a soft yellow. It’ll look beautiful on both of you, and it’ll go well with Echo’s gray tones.” She grabs a bridal magazine and opens a dog-eared page to the flowing yellow strapless gowns.
“These are beautiful,” Blue coos.
I nod my head in agreement.
“You guys like them?”
“Yes, I’d be happy to add that to my wardrobe,” I say. I’m fortunate to have friends who don’t try to place me in the most hideous creations known to fashion. I’ve been to enough weddings where the bridesmaids often got the short end of the stick.
“Good, one task down, a million more to go,” Dixie Rose quips playfully.
I love seeing her happy. After the hell she and Echo went through, dealing with his racist father and outdated bylaws of the club that prevented African Americans from joining, they deserved it.
“Is there a reason why you guys want this done so soon?” Blue asks glancing at her belly.
“Oh no, we’re nowhere near ready for babies. We thought it would help boost morale. Another plus, since we’re sticking close to home, the odds of him being called away are slim. I can’t remember how many times weddings and other big events were rescheduled because of runs.”
“So true.” Blue nods.
Their conversation drives home how foreign the world they live in is. Even as a close friend, I’m on the outside peering in. I have a closer view than most, but it’ll never be the same as living the life. Skull had never made things official or confided in me about anything serious.
Silly little girl, thinking you matter.
My stomach knots. Saliva gathers in my mouth. I place a hand on my angry belly and stand. “I’ll be right back.” I walk briskly to the bathroom, close the door, hit the fan and fall to my knees. I lift the lid in time to empty the content of my stomach. Tears stream down my face and my spirits plummet.
I flush the toilet and sit back on my heels. No more. I can outlast this longing for Skull. The want will fade over time. Losing my pride might break me. I’ve always been an independent woman who had no time for the bad behavior of others.
No one should be able to alter that. I get to my feet and walk over to the sink. Opening the cabinet, I grab the mouthwash and untwist the cap. I take a swig and swish it around in my mouth. The minty green liquid burns my mouth and steals away the disgusting taste lingering on my tongue. These are the last tears I’ll shed over Skull. He’s dangerous. Everyone has that person they can’t say no to. They’re like a drug, altering the way we act and think. I’ve met mine and found he doesn’t return the emotional attachment. So now, I walk on alone and heal.
I spit and avoid my reflection in the mirror for fear that I’ll recognize the lies in my eyes. I rinse my hands, clean up my mess, and return to the girls. “Have you thought about your bouquet?” I ask slipping back into the conversation.
“I have. I’m thinking of having it made of shells,” Dixie replies.
Wrapped up in the beautiful vision Dixie Rose is sharing, I find solace in the company of close friends, and hope. They waited years for their Mr. Right to return and show them how much they cared. The next man I’m with is going to prove his worth to me before I become invested.
***
Skull
I pick my jaw up off the floor and watch as Ruthie sashays her fine ass into the house. The outfit she’s wearing covers more than most of the women here, but I want to take off my vest and wrap her in it. Her body is for my eyes only. I ball my fists and roll my neck. If she thinks one fight ended our shit, she’s in for a rude awakening. We had our spat and that’s all it was.
I walked away when it happened to keep me calm, then all hell broke loose in the club. We were under attack, shit was blowing up, and I was busy trying to keep everyone safe. Between lock down, the bar and grill, and the mandatory church meetings, I’d put her on hold. In hindsight, I can see how fucked up it was to leave her hanging. I’m not used to answering to a female for anything.
She understood that when we got together what my lifestyle was like. I never thought to say no to the blowjob. I wasn’t fucking anyone.
“Is that still yours, brother?” Shadow asks.
“Fuck yes, it is.”
“You might want to let her know that then. Because the way these brothers are looking at her like a dog with a bone, they might try to test her loyalty.”
“Never going to happen,” I retort.
Shadow shakes his head. “I told you to decide what you were doing in that off and on relationship you two had. Now, you’ve pissed her off.”
“How would you know?” I snarl. I remember when he was trying to get Blue on board with the program. His shit hadn’t been all rainbows either.
“Because I have ears and eyes, fool. That shit that went sideways hurt her. The fact that you never smoothed shit out made it worse.”
“I was a little busy trying to keep everyone safe.”
“I get that. But I doubt she does,” Shadow explains.
“Shit man. She grew up in this. I can’t remember a time when I saw Blue, and she wasn’t beside her.”
“Ain’t the same thing as living it. You know when you date an outsider you have to lay all out or keep them completely separate from everything. You can’t have one foot in and one foot out. It never ends well for anyone.”
Shadow has wisdom that goes beyond on his years. I’m not sure if it’s the time he did in the pen or his personality. Then again, he’ s been a parent for a long time. They have a way of growing you up.
“I wasn’t sure I wanted to get that deep.”
“And now?” Shadow asks.
“I want to be in it over my head,” I respond with a shrug. After almost a month of not having her around…what I want is as clear as the water in the purest stream. I know what I want, and I aim to get it.
“You got your work cut out for you then.”
“I never minded a challenge,” I quip.
Shadow snickers. “Yeah, I noticed.”
I run my hand over my Mohawk and sigh. How do I explain my point of view without coming across like a total pussy? I don’t do relationships, feelings, or commitment. Here I am breaking all of my rules for this one woman. Ruthie Gregg is different. She’s laid back, understands most of my lifestyle, and is always down for whatever. Her banging body and pretty as fuck face were the things that caught my attention at first.
Now, they’re just a bonus. The things I like most about her are way deeper than the surface bullshit that used to consume me. You can only sleep with so many beautiful women falling all over themselves to please you before it gets old. I could bust a nut with any of the club girls. Didn’t do shit for me on the inside.
I’m closer to forty than not. As my brothers paired off, an unexplored desire surfaced. One was to have a woman of my own. I don’t know if marriage and kids are on the list. A steady woman in my bed and life is a definite. Ruthie is that woman.
“You might want to wait a minute before you try to talk to her,” Echo suggests.
“Why?”
“Cause they went in there for girl time,” Echo explains. “That shit is sacred or something. You don’t interrupt it without a damn good reason. It’s like female church.”
I look at Shadow, and we both burst into laughter.
“What? I’m serious. D’rose and your old lady are scary together, Shadow. You add Ruthie, and hell no, I’m not butting in,” Echo mumbled, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Luckily, I’m braver,” I say.
“No just stubborn and ignorant,” Echo teases.
“If I were you, I’d be using this time to figure out what the hell I was going to say,” Shadow suggests.
“That I’m sorry, and I didn’t realize it was out of bounds for her?”
“You’re going to have to do better than that, brother.” Shadow shakes his head.
“I’ve never had to use fancy words with her. She gets what I’m trying to say,” I defend with a scowl.
“That was before you broke her trust,” Echo reminds me.
“You come at her with that lame ass excuse, and she’s going to eat you alive and spit out your bones,” Shadow states firmly. He takes a long draw of off his beer.
I question my plan. Maybe I screwed things up worse than I thought. I’m not in the habit of filming my exploits. Part of me knew she might find it. I’ve never been a coward, but feelings make a person irrational. Damn.
“If you want that chance, they’re coming out right now,” Echo announces.
“Um, yeah.” I walk toward them still dazed by the ‘a-ha’ moment I had. I approach her, and she continues past me. I grab her wrist. “Hey, I want to talk to you.”
“Too bad, because I don’t want to speak to you. I might be irrational.”
“Look I was wrong with the way I handled what happened.”
“No, you were wrong for doing it in the first place.”
“We never set down guidelines.”
“Hah. I didn’t know I needed to do that.” She crosses her arms over her breasts.
I can’t help admiring them. I swear they’re bigger than I remember. “Look we both came into this for fun. Then things got serious. We rode the wave, letting us take it where it wanted, instead of talking about it. That’s where we went wrong.”
“We?” She narrows her gaze.
“Okay, me. I’ve never done this.”
“Done what? We never even put a name to what we were doing.”
“If that’s what you needed you should’ve told me, Ruthie. I’m not a mind reader.”
“And I’m not a pushover.” She unfolds her arms and places her hands on her hips. “You don’t get to run around doing whatever and whoever you want while I’m back at home waiting for you like an idiot.”
“I know you’re upset, but it’s not like I had sex with her.”
“Right? So, it’s okay if someone gives me head.”
“Fuck no.” The thought of another man touching her intimately makes me growl.
“Double standards don’t fly with me. We agreed we’d be honest and upfront.”
“And I have been,” I defend. I’m frustrated by her inability to see how much I changed for her.
“What I don’t understand is why you kept the picture there. You’re not careless or stupid, Tritt.”
The sound of my real name on her tongue makes my dick hard. She’s the only one who uses it these days. I like the personal connections we’ve made. “No, and if you’re willing to listen to me, I want to explain why.”
“No.”
“What?” I ask unnerved by the resolve behind her words.
She purses her lips. “I don’t want to hear some lame ass excuse. I’m not going to be one of those girls so desperate to keep a biker boyfriend, she’ll accept everything on his terms.”
When her voice gets louder, I grab her elbow and drag her back into the house. “No one asked you to do that, Ruthie. What the hell?”
“Didn’t you? When you did this shit and left it for the whole world to see. Were you bragging to your friends about this blonde bitch blowing you while your stupid ass girlfriend was back at home waiting by the phone for a phone call?
“No, I would never do that,” I say.
“Right. And you expect me to believe you…why? I never thought you’d be letting strangers suck the dick I’d been riding the day before.” The apples of her cheeks are red. Her light green eyes darken to a jade with anger.
“I said I was sorry, Ruthie. I meant that. It’s more than anyone gets from me.”
“Oh, lucky me to get a halfhearted ass apology! Is that all that happened during that trip or since? Maybe you couldn’t pick up the phone and call me ‘cause you were balls deep in biker bunnies.”
I tighten my grip on her elbow. “There wasn’t anyone else. I’m many things, but a liar isn’t one of them. You know that. I messed up. I take responsibility for my mistake. You’re mad. I get it. But I’m not a child you can talk down to and scold either. You need to take your tone down a notch.”
“I think I need to take it up. I’ve never been disrespected like this in my life. You know why? Because I’m not the type of woman who’d allow it. Rarely, do I let anyone close enough to harm me. I’m okay with things being light and fun. I thrived off that for years. You were the one who made me feel like you wanted more. I thought we found a relationship worth taking risks over. Then you let me down and humiliated me.” She scowls. “I can’t go through that again. I’m not a twenty-year-old little girl. I’m thirty-three and done playing games. So, excuse me if I don’t want to listen to whatever excuse you’ve drummed up almost a month after our argument.”
“You know it’s been hectic around here.”
“All the reason more to settle up with me. What do you do? Send your lackeys.” Her eyes glimmer with tears.
“Hey, having a brother look over you is a big deal. Even if they aren’t fully patched in yet.”
“The only thing I wanted was you, Tritt. A simple call to see how I was doing would’ve made the difference. I was at home worrying myself sick. I’m done. We can be civil. I owe that to Shadow and Blue, but it’s all I’m giving you.” She pushes me away and rushes past me.
I turn and watch the one woman who’s ever meant anything to me flee. I’m sick to my stomach. I have no clue where to start to win this woman back. I don’t work to get women, they offer themselves up like a buffet.
I’m up a creek without a paddle.