CHAPTER THREE
Ruthie
I nibble on Graham crackers to settle my stomach and burrow deeper into the couch. A can of sprite rests on the colorful round coaster on the end table beside my couch.
“How are you feeling?” Blue asks.
“Like I’m preggers.”
Blue snickers. “Good, because you are.”
“Thanks for taking care of the food from last night by the way.”
“I noticed it was gone when I got back. I left it there as insurance policy. I thought you were going to bail on me.”
“Can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind. I held my breath and ran it to the garbage can when he got here.”
“What happened in the bathroom before I arrived last night?”
I place a hand on my flat stomach. “I don’t think he wants the baby.”
“Did he say that?”
“Not in so many words.”
“Give me details. You’re highly emotional right now,” Blue says.
“He looked over at the sink and said ‘no’. It wasn’t what he said. It was the look on his face and the anguish in his voice. I never imagined I’d find myself here. What the hell am I going to do? God, my mother is going to have a victory party. This is the ultimate proof that all my rebellious ways would lead me to ruin. Even though she’s divorced, she’s so traditional. It’s why Rochelle is the favorite. She married Tim out of college and had a baby not long after.”
“And she comes over here every chance she gets. I can’t see that she’s the real winner out of the two of you.”
“Yes, but she didn’t have to do this alone,” I whisper biting the inside of my cheek.
“And neither will you. As much as you helped me with Bolton, you know I’m here when you need me as well as the rest of KOC. This baby is part of the Kings of Chaos. We take care of our own. Skull is shell shocked right now, but he’s a good guy who cares an awful lot about you. He’ll get his shit together. In the meantime, you won’t want for anything.”
“But I’ll still be alone. I wanted traditional. At least my own version of it.”
“Then fight for it.”
“How?”
“By not putting up a wall and shutting him out. This is new to him. Give him time to digest it. Allow him to be around for the big things. I’m talking ultrasounds, cravings, and the sickness. Make him work for it. Don’t roll over. I know that’s what you’re afraid of. Losing yourself and being what you perceive to be weak. Don’t do that. You can’t block him out either, because you’ll regret that too. I know you, Ruthie. You are in deep with him, baby aside. I think he’s your one. He’s damaged, like most of our boys. They live a rough life, see things most people can’t imagine, and often come from bad situations. I don’t know his whole story, but I know he was raised by his grandparents and his parents are both deceased.”
“What happened to them?”
“I’m not sure. It’s filed under the none of my business category. I always suspected it’s part of why he was such a playboy.”
“Maybe there’s more to his attitude than I thought,” I say hopeful.
“He’s an iceberg. The tip on the outside is a small portion of what lies beneath, and believe me when I say you’ve seen more of him than most.”
“Do you think so?”
“Is that what you’re worried about? That you’re just another notch on his belt?”
“I didn’t use to think that, but that slip up of his and these hormones have me all up in my head.”
“Well, get the hell out of there, woman.” Blue shook my knee.
“I’ll try.”
A key turns in the lock. “Did I mention Loverboy snaked my keys?”
“So damn overbearing.” I huff.
“Get used to that. With the pregnancy, it’s only going to get worse.”
“Oh Joy,” I whine with mock enthusiasm.
“Hey, you up?”
His gravelly voice makes my belly flip like a pancake.
“We’re in the living room,” Blue calls out. She holds out her hand. “Can I get my keys back?”
“Yeah, I made copies,” Skull replies with a smirk. Stubble covers his chin and sunglasses hide his dark brown gaze.
“Rough night?” I ask. I know his hangover façade by now.
“Interesting night, rough morning.”
I smirk. “Then you know how I feel.”
He grimaces and pats his stomach. “That I do.”
Blue stands. “You don’t need me here. I’ll check in with you later, yeah?”
“I’ll call you,” I say.
Skull plops down on the loveseat beside me, crowding me. “Are you good to talk right now? I see you have crackers.”
“Just par for the course. I’ll make an appointment first thing Monday morning.” I clear my throat keeping Blue’s words in mind. I need to give him a chance to explain. “You want to tell me what happened last night?”
He perches on the edge of the couch and leans down placing his elbows on his thighs. “Mental illness runs in my family. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids because it’s hereditary. It’s one of the things I planned on talking with you about, and then I saw the test.”
I cover my mouth. “I- I had no idea, Tritt. I’m sorry.”
“It’s my own fault for not telling you sooner. It’s not something I like to talk about.”
“Can I ask what?”
“If anyone has the right to ask me now, it’s you…Schizophrenia.”
“That’s why?” I whisper as the puzzle pieces lock together.
“I’m ashamed that I added this to your genepool. You’re amazing, Ruthie. I know I never deserved you and now if you do this, you’re linked with me and my shitty DNA for the rest of our lives.”
“Tritt, don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“Why? It’s the truth. I’m calling it how I see it. I didn’t want to infect you. Now you want to pass it on.”
“What if he or she isn’t affected by it?” I ask, challenging his train of thought.
“Then we dodge a bullet and have to worry about their children, and their children’s children.”
“All you see is the possibility of mental illness, not the child. A little boy or girl who looks like me and you. A tiny being dependent on us for survival.”
“I have to.”
“Why?”
“Because If I don’t prepare myself and it happens…” He trails off and looks out the window over my shoulder.
“And if it doesn’t? I’m not going to let fear keep me from seeing this baby be born. So you need to get ready for the arrival. No more talk about not having the bean, you understand?” I point my finger at him.
“Even knowing this you’d have my baby?” he rasps.
“I am having your child.”
He runs a hand through his hair and gives a half laugh. “Yeah, I guess you are.”
I set aside my hurt from before and run my hands through his silken hair. It’s rare I see it without product. “Are you with me on this? Cause I kind of need your help.”
He rests his forehead against mine. “I’m with you. I’m a stubborn, cranky bastard. I’ll piss you off and make mistakes, but I’ll never leave you. Don’t give up on me, girl. I promise you I’ll get it all figured out.”
“You know I’m going to call you on your bullshit?” I ask tentatively.
“I’m counting on it.”
I grip his cut. “You know I’m still pissed at you, right?”
“Never again,” he says solemnly.
“You’ll never let some slut give you head, or you won’t leave a trail of bread crumbs for me to follow.”
“You made it clear how you felt. I can use my hand and your dirty little mouth in my ear.”
I can’t fight back the smile that spreads across my lips. “Deal.”
“So, I’m forgiven?”
“Yes, but it’s going to take me a while to trust you again, and really forget.”
“Fair enough. How are you feeling?”
“Sick to my stomach off and on, hungry, and emotional as hell which I’m not used to.”
“It’s kind of funny seeing the cool and calm Ruthie Gregg get a little unraveled.”
“That’s because you’re an asshole.”
“Yeah, but I’m your asshole, right?”
“Looks like it,” I say with a roll of my eyes. We’re not okay by any means, but this is a starting point. I want to ask him more about his parents, but I don’t want to push my luck. We’ve got less than nine months to get our shit where it needs to be. I’m wary and my guard is up. Nothing about this transitional period will be easy. Of course, nothing worth having ever is.
***
“I need to get going. I have to start my shift at the grill. I’m closing tonight.”
I’m relieved. His presence is suffocating. His scent lulls me into a false sense of security and his warmth makes me want to press my body against his. I’m not into giving mixed messages. So I’ve forced myself to remain in my corner of the love seat. “All right. I’ll talk to you tomorrow after I get off work and make an appointment.”
He stands and offers his hand pulling me to my feet. “Yeah, I want to talk to you about that.” He scratches the back of his head. “I don’t want you here by yourself.”
“Are you serious? I can’t be that far along yet.”
“Yet, you’re already sick,” he says.
“It’s called morning sickness. No one dies from it.”
“I still don’t like it. Last night you were pale as hell, shaky and off kilter.”
“Yeah, cause I had an asshole pissing me off and causing undue stress.”
“Your job is fast paced and demanding. How’s that going to affect you?”
“Look, I appreciate the concern, but it’s unwarranted.”
“I don’t care what big words you use. You’re not living by yourself anymore.”
I throw my hands up in the air. “So what? You’re going to post another prospect up in here? Do you know how hard it was to explain him away during your lock down? I had to come up with some flimsy excuse about freelance work.”
“You were safe, that’s all I cared about,” he retorts firmly.
“I’m not going to do this. You don’t get to boss me around.” I cross my arms and lean back. He’s so used to being in power, he plows ahead regardless of what I say. I’m not going to take that.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m moving in.”
His words stun me. It’s not what I was expecting. “E-excuse me.” I place my hands on my hips. “No.”
“Yeah.”
“Hell, no. I don’t want to look at your face every day. I’m still upset with you.”
“I don’t think you’ll mind when it’s between your thighs.”
“That doesn’t fix everything,” I say squirming to relieve the pressure building between my legs as my body responds to his lust filled gaze. I am more than my hormones.
“You sure about that?” He licks his lip.
I growl. “Positive. You should go before you’re late,” I say opening the door.
“Clear out space for me, I’ll be here tomorrow.”
“No Tritt.”
“It’s going to happen, babe,” he calls over his shoulder as he strolls away. His jeans hugging his tight ass.
As much as I wanted to strangle him, he has my hormones working overtime. I shake my head to clear out the lust, and slam the door behind him. This is what I can’t allow—him to come in, dictate the way things will go, and overwhelm me. He’s magnetic and commanding. Even now, part of me wants to relinquish control and let him take care of everything.
Deep down, I know it’d be a patch job to a problem that would fail later. There are things we need to talk about. Neither of us has been completely up front and it’s going to bite us in the ass. He’s not the only one with secrets. The sins of the father always come back to haunt the son, or in this case—the daughter.
***
Skull
“I don’t know what you said to your girl, but she’s on a warpath.”
I look up from the bar and grin at Shadow. “She over at your house bitching?”
“Yeah. Blue’s trying to talk her down. When Ruthie started glaring me at me like I was the enemy, I decided to get out while I still could.”
“You scared of that five foot five thing?” I ask.
“Look man, pregnant women are crazy. Trust me, I know from experience.”
“Well, you were dealing with Calla Strong, Satan’s bride. So I think I’m going to be okay. I can’t believe she and Blue have the same blood running through their veins.”
“Whatever you say, brother.”
“You want your usual?” I ask.
“Yep.” He sits down on a stool in front of me, and I pour him a pint of Guinness.
“She’s pissed because I told her I didn’t want her staying by herself. She wasn’t looking so hot last night when I left, and if I want to fix shit between us, I need to be there. Our hours are different and seeing her on the weekend isn’t going to cut it anymore.”
“Damn, look at you growing up and taking on responsibility.”
“You want to wear this or drink it?” I slam the chilled glass down in front of him.
He laughs. “She’s got your ass wound up, doesn’t she?”
“Pot meet kettle, brother. I could say the same for Blue.”
“Yeah, but we worked our shit out. You got a ways to go.”
“Trust me, I don’t need to be reminded,” I say.
“You’d better do it quick. You need to let Pres know and he’s going to ask for her background and your plans.”
It’s embarrassing how little I know about Ruthie. She comes from a broken home. Her parents split when she was younger and her dad was out of the picture and had been for a long time. Her mom was a real estate agent and her dad did some sort of writing. It left a lot to be desired when we’re joining our lives and about to raise a kid. Stone will grill both of us. I need to make sure we’re both ready. Right now, he’s paranoid and out for blood. Having a brother turn on his own club will do that. “I know.”
“Good, you better let her know the rules too. Assuming is what landed your ass in the doghouse in the first place. If she can’t handle it, you should figure it out before you label her your Old Lady and bring her into the fold. We got plenty of baby mamas who operate as outsiders. Make sure you’re thinking with your head too. Club can’t take anymore knocks right now.”
“I know. I wasn’t expecting to get so deep. Plus, if she was going to be betray the club, don’t you think she would’ve by now?”
“You should know from what Blue went through, it’s not always the person who’s plotting. It can be someone linked to them,” Shadow reminds me.
The thought is unsettling. Other than Blue, I have no clue who her friends are. I’ve never met her sister or her parents. “Damn, I been going about this ass backward.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Shadow sets down his glass. “And you better proceed with caution, cause if you make her hate you, any plans you thought you had are over. You can only push her so far. Ruthie is used to being independent as hell. All of this is new to her.”
“You like her, don’t you?” I ask.
“She’s always been there for Blue and my boy. You’re my brother, but I have a soft spot for that girl. I don’t let Bolt call just anyone Aunt, you know?”
“I got you, brother. I’m going to do right by her,” I promise. I rap my knuckles on the counter and move down to the bar to help with refills and new customers. This domestic shit makes my head hurt. The only successful relationship I saw up close and in person was between my grandparents. They were old school. Women took care of the home. The man provided, and they both treated each other with mutual respect. My grandfather doted on her. She was his queen, and it worked because she treated that man like a king. His breakfast, lunch, and dinner were made with care. He always had a fresh uniform waiting for him, the house was always clean, and welcoming.
Grandpa would say I needed to give in order to receive. He said their marriage was a team effort. I wrote it off as a fluke as I got older and saw the divorce rate rise. They were from a different time. Most people didn’t have that kind of loyalty and sticking power nowadays. Times like this, I missed them most. When I needed someone to go to for advice. My brothers are there for me through thick and thin, but talking about emotional shit isn’t something we generally do.
My mind turns to one of my Grandpa’s friends, Ray. Ten years younger, the man had been a surrogate paternal figure. It’s been a long time since I got out to the home to see him. I try not to go any less than once a month, but the club has had me hemmed up. Tomorrow.
The bar picks up as the evening rolls in and I’m forced to focus on the organized chaos unfurling around me.
***
The Rest Home is one of the nicer ones in our area. It’s the least Ray’s family can do, considering they never come to visit the man. Originally from the Chicago area, he relocated after he lost his wife to work and eventually retired in a place that never got any snow. He said he’d spent enough time in miserable weather to last a lifetime. He and Grandpa met on the job at the small electrical company Grandpa worked for. I walk under the awning of the beige stucco building and wave at Beverly who’s working behind the desk.
In her late forties, the women with kind brown eyes, laugh lines, and a heart shaped face waves. “Hey, Skull long time no see.”
“Yeah, I’ve been out of town for work recently, Ms. Bev. How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
“Is Ray up and about?”
“Yeah, he’s out in the garden. He actually has visitors.”
“Oh?” I ask instantly on alert. I keep him separate from my life, because he’d make an easy target.
“Grandkids in from Chicago.”
The tension bleeds from my body. “I bet he’s loving that.”
“I think so. They’ve been here since breakfast.”
“I’ll find them,” I say waving her to stay seated. I know how busy this place can be. She doesn’t need to expend extra energy on me when I know the drill. I lean down and sign my name in the visitor’s log.
I take the familiar route to the gardens scanning for the shock of salt and pepper hair that contrasts with Ray’s brown skin. I find him seated beneath a tree with a curvy woman with straight black hair and a man built like a linebacker. I can see the resemblance around their eyes and nose. I know Ray and his wife Agnes had one son, but he’d gotten heavy in to drugs and broke their hearts a million times over.
I always thought Ray moved away after Agnes passed of an aneurism to escape the toxic loop his son, Brian had placed him in.
“There’s my boy,” Ray says waving to me as he spots me.
“Hey Ray. I see you have some visitors today.”
“These are my grandkids here on vacation. This is Tinley and her older brother, Tyson. This here is my grandson from another family, Skull.”
The two exchange a look.
I smile. “Yep, Ray took me under his wing after my Grandfather passed some years ago. He helps me keep this hard head of mine on straight.”
Tyson stands and offers his hand. “It’s good to meet you. We appreciate you taking care of him. We’ve been looking at relocating soon.”
“I know he’ll be glad for the company,” I reply taking in the man’s firm grip and steady gaze. I’d be having him looked into as soon as I got back to the club. I owe Ray that much. I turn to the woman.
She seems almost skittish as she shifts from side to side on her coltish legs bared in her short black shorts.
Then again, I make most people nervous. I hold my hand out and take her hand. “Nice to meet you, Tinley.”
“You too,” she whispers softly.
“We’ve taken up enough of your time, Grandpa,” Tyson says. “I promised Tin I’d take her to a beach and Disneyland while we’re here. We’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Good, if you come at lunch you’ll be in time for Bingo,” Ray says.
“Then, lunch it’ll be,” Tinley says offering up a sweet smile.
I watch them as they slip away. “That’s a new development.”
“Recent. They started writing me this year, looking for a connection with someone not drug addled. They mentioned coming here to see me, but I never figured they’d really do it. I thought it was one of those things you say to someone old and past their prime.”
“Do they have the same last name as you?” I ask.
“You planning on looking into them, son?”
“Damn straight.”
He shakes his head. “Yes, they’re Hawkins.”
I nod and sit down next to him.
“How’ve you been?” he asks.
“Busy. Sorry I haven’t been by recently. We had a lock down situation.”
“I figured as much. You’re like clockwork with your visits.”
“I need your advice, Ray. I fucked up.”
“With Ruthie?”
“Yeah, she caught me fooling around with someone. Not live, but a picture.”
Ray sighs. “Why? Didn’t she give you everything she wanted?”
“Yeah. Thing is…she’s pregnant.”
“Boy, when you fuck up, you do it royally, don’t you?”
“Apparently so.”
“You going to do right by her?” Ray asks.
“I want to, but right now she is not open to making that happen anytime soon.”
“Can’t say I blame her, boy.”
“Yeah.” I glance down, ashamed.
“Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what you do afterward that counts. You got to show her you’re in this for the long run and for the right reasons. She’s going to be thinking you’re trying to change your stripes because of that babe she’s carrying. I’ve never met her, but from what you tell me she’s strong, independent, and sassy. She won’t be a consolation prize.”
“She isn’t one.”
“How are you going to show her that?” Ray asks.
“I don’t know, Ray. That’s why I’m here to see you.”
“Romance her. Be steady, consistent, and patient. Be willing to bend a little. It’s a concept you’re not used to in that world you live in. Real love requires us to meet in the middle.”
“It sounds like you’re telling me I’m her bitch, Ray.”
He laughed. “Hey, we all are for someone.”
“That ain’t happening, old man. Not in this lifetime.”
“I’m not saying become another person. Do this in your own way for her. You know her, use everything you’ve learned to sway her. Show her you’re capable of being what she needs.”
“I don’t know the first thing about being what somebody needs. Look at how it ended for my father.”
“Look at how it ended for your grandparents,” Ray reminds me. “Happy until the end. You focus so much on the darkness, you can’t see the light.”
“Easier to stay sane and avoid disappointment that way.”
“You lost your chance to stay aloof when you made a baby and fell in love,” Ray says.
“No one said anything about love.” The four letter label makes me uncomfortable.
“You think not saying it, makes it less true?” he asks as he peers over his glasses.
“I’m not going there with you.”
“Ain’t me you need to be worried about, now is it? Think on what I said. You have to find the way you communicate the way you feel. Why don’t you tell me your plan?”
“I’m going to move in with her.”
“She agreed to that? Maybe she’s not as upset as you think?”
“Not exactly.” I look away, embarrassed about my heavy handed behavior in front of Ray. Here, I’m not Skull.
“What did you do, Tritt?”
The use of my given name turns me back into a boy. “I told her I didn’t want her living alone anymore and I’d be moving my stuff in today.”
“Lord, you are a clueless fool. You can’t treat her like those prospects of yours.” He scowls.
“I’m not—”
“It’s exactly what you’re doing.”
“You want me to sit on my thumb and twirl instead?” I ask.
“Fast isn’t better. You might make into her home, but will she resent you more for it?”
“Maybe at first?” I answer.
“Resentment is a slow moving poison hard to get rid of,” Ray says.
“So eat my words?” I ask already hating the taste of crow.
“How about you change a demand into a question and a request, instead?”
I sigh and crack my neck. “This is damn stressful.”
“Get used to it. You’re about to enter the world of parenthood. Ain’t nothing harder or more rewarding than that.”
“You’re all heart, Ray.”
“Honestly son, I’m glad this happened. Otherwise, you’d spend the rest of your life keeping everyone at a distance. I know why. We all got our reasons for doing the things we do. I never judged you. But somewhere inside of you, I think a part of you always wanted more. It’s why you let Ruthie see the real you under that biker persona you wear like a second skin. You can’t go back now. You have to keep moving forward. That’s going to make for some pain. But you’re no stranger to that.”
“No, sir, I’m not,” I agree.
“Go make me proud and get to work on making an honest woman of her.”
“Thanks for this, Ray. You need anything?”
“I have more than enough now between you and those two young’uns who just left.”
“Next time I come, I’ll bring you some of the good stuff.” I wink.
“Good, my flask will be tapped by then.”
I chuckle. “I’ll bring you some fresh Scotch and mags.”
“Bless you, son.”
I pat his shoulder as I push to my feet. “I’ll keep you posted between now and then. I get the feeling I’m going to need your expertise.”
“I told your Pa I’d be here when you needed me. That means saving you from yourself when you’re being a dumbass.”
I laugh. “Always a way with words.” I can’t help but feel like a thousand tons were lifted off my shoulders. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some negotiating to do.” The minute I leave, I make a call to our tech guy and ask him to find everything he can on the grankids. No one’s going to fuck over Ray on my watch.