CHAPTER SEVEN
You Let My Soul Out
Blue
I’m in trouble and sinking fast. He just owned me. I’ve never had a man do that. I value my independence, and out in the regular world, I’m usually the one who takes the lead. It’s an experience I love with Shadow, even though it scares me. Is this how the sweetbutts become mindless? They get some good D put on them, and then they become a yes woman. My stomach protests at the mere thought.
That will never be me.
I ball my fists and lower my head. I am losing who I am. The club does that. Blurs lines and buries you underneath the piles of issues that come along with being too close to them. I study my face in the vanity mirror. My face is damn near flushed, my eyes are bright and alive, and my lips are still swollen from his kisses. Just thinking about what he did has my nipples erect, my breasts heavy, and my core beginning to ache. He’s a habit I’ve already formed. One taste and I was a goner. That’s why I should have resisted. But how could I when his body was pressed to mine so deliciously, and he was telling me I was always the one he wanted? Shadow isn’t a liar, so I believe him. Yet it raises more questions.
Being with Shadow means facing the demons that have haunted me my entire life. It’s clear the man has a spell over me like he’s Houdini, and I’m an audience member selected for his next trick. I can’t say no. The minute he touches me—I catch fire, and I crave him like a starving woman suddenly inside an all you can eat buffet now that I’ve tasted him, felt him move inside of me, and seen those eyes. Those incredible blue eyes that showed me things I only dare dream about in the darkness of my room in the middle of the night. A shiver winds its way down my spine.
It’s time Calla and I hash this out, once and for all. I’ve been holding out hope that somehow, miracle of miracles, we could patch things up and get back to being sisters. I’m realizing now how deep her deceit runs, and it hurts. I need to cleave the responsibility I feel for her, so I can move forward in peace. I glance back at my reflection. There’s potential there. The half-life I’d been living didn’t satisfy me. I love my job, but it couldn’t be everything. Jamie didn’t do it for me because I pined after another man.
Now, I have him.
He’s mine for the taking. It would be insanity to let him go, over some outdated code of honor only I followed. My gut twists itself into knots. The truth was, Calla had stopped giving a fuck about me the minute I grew a pair of boobs and an ass to become competition. I take a deep breath. I have to see her and have this out. She’s allowed one-on-one time now, no more talking through a glass. Ruthie’s words play over in my head. If it’s fucking me up, I’m entitled to talk about it, and dig for answers.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. Not in the sense that I have a problem saying no, in the sense that I show my love by doing everything possible to make those I care about happy. If that means short changing myself here or there, fine. The thing is, all those short changings add up fast, and I’m left run down, depressed, and disappointed. It’s why I all but ran away from them a few years prior, but I’m done with that.
I deserve more. I mouth the words, willing myself to believe them.
I turn away and dress in a pair of black shorts, and a black tank top. They’re particular about everything you wear and bring inside. The less color and wording on your outfit, the better. I slide my feet into my black and white slip-ons, let my mane hang around my face as it air dries, and hurry out to the car. Whatever I decide to do with Shadow will be because of how I feel. It’s time to end this toxic connection I’ve fed into for too many years.
The weather is sticky hot, and I drive with all the windows down, hoping the air will help me clear my head. My hair is blowing around my face like black ribbons of silk. My heart is pounding in my chest, threatening to crack my bones. My palms are slick with sweat. Every couple of minutes, I run them across my shorts to get rid of the moisture. Sweat beads dot my forehead. I need the stimulation to remind me I’m alive. It’s time to fully embrace the motto of living free. My entire life I’ve been trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, the child for show. The Good One, who never dared step off the path because she didn’t want to add more stress to an already troubled family dynamic. Bitterness rose.
It wasn’t fair.
I lost so much of my youth trying to be perfect. It was a role I didn’t know how to stop playing. I push down on the accelerator and open up the engine. It purrs in response, and I smile. I pull into the parking lot ready for a battle. This war was over my life; losing was not an option. I mentally prep my speech as I am led through the process required to meet up with Calla. I pray she will see me. She can be a snotty bitch like that when she wants to be, but I know she hasn’t had many visitors outside of Mom, who could be stifling.
The metal is cool against my heated clothing as I sink on my side in the chair with my hands in my lap. This moment had been years in the making. With the way we left things my last visit, I wasn’t sure which Calla I would be seeing today. The minutes crawl by until finally, I spot her being led in.
She looks smaller, like she’d lost weight. Dark circles rest under her eyes.
Worry rose inside me. I scan her face for any other sign of distress. Finding none, I assume this was a result of the forced detox she’d recently undergone.
Frowning, she sits across from me. “Is there something wrong with my boy?”
The concern in her voice and eyes remind me that a heart still exists beneath the layers of indifference and selfishness. “He’s okay. Better than fine actually. Shadow got out yesterday, and they’re off doing the male bonding thing,” I say with a shrug.
She smiles. “If nothing else, he’s an excellent father.”
“You give him too little credit.”
“Well, he didn’t stay with me, did he?” she snaps.
“That’s what I’m here to talk about. You knew I liked him, didn’t you?”
Her eyes widen. “Did he finally get the balls to tell you the story?” She tilts her head back and releases a wicked cackle.
Her cruel laughter raises chill bumps over my arms. “I want to hear it from you,” I say, giving away nothing.
She smirks.
I lean forward. “Give. Me. The. Truth,” I growl, enunciating every word. “It’s the least you can do.”
I can see the shock in her eyes. I’ve never been aggressive with her, choosing instead to treat her like a sort of wounded being.
“What do you know? Kitty has claws after all,” she whispers.
“Everything I’ve done has been because of you or for you. I never ask for anything. Just this once, can you remember that you’re my big sister, and I’m the one taking care of the mess you left behind, yet again.”
The color drains from her face.
“Did you think I liked this? That this sick, twisted bond between us has been fun for me?” I hiss. “Well, news flash, Calla…it hasn’t. I hate it. It’s been eating me alive from the minute you hit sixteen and decided to show your ass. Then everyone looked to me to offset it. Are you so deluded, self-revolving, and narcissistic that you didn’t see it?”
“A-all I saw was the perfect little angel being praised and held up as the prime example of what one should do.”
“Bullshit,” I spit. “Did you know I liked Shadow?”
“Of course I knew. You weren’t exactly hiding it, all moon eyes and sly glances,” she scoffs. Her lips twist into an ugly sneer, and her eyes narrow into slits.
“And you decided to do what?”
“Show you what it felt like to lose for once. Did you know he wanted you back?” Her voice drops to a raspy whisper. “He told me, the jackass. God, if you could’ve seen his face when he talked about you. Like you were the moon and the stars in the night sky. It made me sick. You were barely seventeen and about to get the very thing no one would give me.”
“What? What could I have possibly gotten?” I croak.
“Respect, love. Real love and the title Old Lady by his choice. I saw it in his eyes. He wanted to claim you, brand you, and keep you all to himself.” She huffs. “You never even wanted that.”
“I wanted Shadow and whatever came with him.”
“You want to know how I did it? I pretended to be you. I crept in, all shy and bumbling, begging him to keep the lights off while I altered my voice to a whisper. Oh, he fell all over himself making it good for you. Touching me with a tenderness I haven’t ever experienced since. Not even from him, the fucking bastard.” Her lower lip trembles.
“Why?”
“Because I could. Because I hate you as much as I love you.”
Her words are a knife to my heart. I can feel my emotions bleeding out of the metaphysical wound she’d inflicted as my psyche screams for relief. Too much all at once. I’m reeling from the attack. “You did this. All I ever wanted was to be your little sister. For you to be happy with me. One day, you just stopped being the Calla I looked to for protection, knowledge, and companionship. I could never figure out what I did.”
“You were born,” she replies coldly.
Tears distort my vision. “I’m done, Calla. I won’t play these games with you anymore. This is your problem. You deal with or don’t. Either way, I’m finished being stuck in the middle.”
She snickers. “Ask Dad. He’ll tell you a story I know you never heard before.”
I push away from the table and stand. “We’re done here.” I tune out her voice as I’m led away by a guard. This is me washing my hands. I’ll send someone else to keep her updated on Bolt’s progress if he doesn’t want to come, but I won’t personally be delivering any tidbits. The hate I witnessed in her heart makes me sick. This is not about competition gone awry. This is a malicious intent to hurt me out of some misguided sense of wrong.
I watched her change damn near overnight. How she could put that on anyone other than herself baffles me. Hearing her side of the story disgusts me. God, what he must’ve felt waking up to her and later finding out she was carrying his child. The betrayal burns. I’ve been kidding myself all this time thinking anything other than evil lives inside that woman. I won’t make the same mistake twice.
Stepping out into the sunlight, I am grateful for the heat that rolls over me, chasing away the chill set deep into my bones. I hurry to the car feeling like her malevolent stare is still trained on my back. One roadblock has been removed while a million more lie in wait to trip me up. The saddest part is the majority of them originate in my own skull.
***
It felt good riding with my boy. He was about ready for his own bike soon. I plan on saving it for his graduation present though. Despite all the adversity he faced growing up, he was a good kid. It wasn’t easy being associated with the club. We park in front of the local Whippy Dip place I always used to take him as a kid.
We walk over, and the blonde behind the counter bats her lashes at Bolt.
I can’t help but smirk. Like father like son.
“How can I help you today, sir?” she asks.
“Two scoops of vanilla in cake cones.” It’s a family tradition. We get the same thing every time.
“That’ll be six fifty.”
I hand her ten. “Keep the change.”
“Thank you.” She places the change in the tip cup, walks over to a sanitizer, gets a few pumps and begins to prepare our order.
I glance at Bolt, who’s all but preening like a peacock. I missed out on some crucial years. I’ll have to make sure he’s up to speed and knows all the important shit like wrap it up every time, no matter what she says. There will be women after him for his legacy. It’s amazing how fast time flies. Just yesterday, I was teaching this kid to ride a bike with no training wheels.
The teenaged girl returns with our cones, and I lead him over to a shaded table, facing the road. A comfortable silence falls as we eat. “How are you really doing, kid?” I finally ask.
He sighs. “I’m good. I mean, it’s a lot better with Aunt Blue. She gives a shit, you know? She makes sure there’s always clean clothes in the house, food to eat, and makes me get my shit done. Mom was like a ghost. I saw her half the time. I always had to remind her about the basic shit. It sucked, Dad. The past few years—I came to almost hate her.” He toys with the wrapper on his cone. “That’s fucked up, right? Feeling that way about the woman who carried you and birthed you.” Bolt shakes his head.
“You know what I think? It takes a hell of a lot more than DNA and the process of labor to make a mother. You’re mom is lost…a very lost woman, trying to find something. I could never figure out what she was searching for,” I admit with a shrug. “So, I just focused on you and me. Because no matter what, you had to be all right. I’d change her for you if I could. But nothing I’ve ever said or done has woken her up. It’s like she’s living in a dream world. Her reality is different than ours. I’m not excusing it,” I say quickly when his face wrinkles up, “I’m explaining it. She took a wrong turn and never got back on the path.”
“How is Aunt Blue so different?”
“That’s the twenty million dollar question,” I say.
Bolt shakes his head. “I guess it’s something I’ll never get. She used to talk about Aunt Blue like a dog until I told her I wouldn’t sit around and listen,” he whispers.
I frown. The thought fills me with anger. “She did what?”
He looks up at me with fear in his eyes.
“I’m not upset with you, boy. I just don’t take kindly with her mouthing off about shit she needs to not talk about. What did she say?”
“Mostly, that Blue thinks she’s hot shit and better than us, and that’s why we weren’t seeing her as much, and she moved so far away.” Bolt looks down.
“You didn’t believe her, did you?” I ask.
“For a time I did. Aunt Blue just…she suddenly had her own life, and then I realized. She never had to take on the role of a mother like she did. That it was Mom’s failure. And that was a harsh awakening.”
“That when your feelings about your mom started to change?” I ask.
“Yeah.” He took a bite of his cone.
“Well, I can’t fault you, son. I think she sees things in your aunt she wishes she possessed, and it angers her. But I promise you this—now that I’m here, she won’t be running her mouth anymore, especially not around you. I’ll take care of it.”
Bolt met my gaze, and I saw relief. It made my heart ache. He deserved a childhood. I should’ve taken him from her a long time ago. But with the hours I pull and the need to be ready at a moment’s notice for the club, I couldn’t. “All I want you to do now is be a kid,” I say.
His eyes dance with mirth and excitement.
“A smart kid with common sense and street smarts. But a kid nonetheless,” I add.
“I can do that, Dad.” He grins.
“Good. Enjoy the hell out of it. In the blink of an eye, you’re going to be an adult. You got plans for after high school?”
“I want to pledge as a prospect.”
“Mm-hmm, and do what?” I ask.
“Whatever needs doing,” he answers with a shrug.
“You’re a smart ass, you know that?”
“Learned from the best,” Bolt shoots back.
“Yeah, yeah. If you get it in your head to go to college, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. The club’s always looking for more ways to be legit. Degrees lend to that.”
“If something strikes me, I’ll think about it.”
“All right. You know there’s always a place for you in KOC.” I finish off my ice cream cone before it can become a dripping mess. It’s almost jarring having a man-to-man with the boy I’m struggling not to see as a pre-teen. Parenthood is the most rewarding and hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He’s the only reason I don’t regret that night with Calla.
We finish up and head back onto our bikes.
“What do you think about an upgrade? Not a Harley, but something with a little more kick?”
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Yeah, come on, let’s go see Hank.”
He all but runs to his bike, and I laugh. Hank had been selling us bikes for as long as I could remember. The surly old man with hair more white than gray seemed to be a million years old even when I was a boy. His sun weathered face, along with the deep lines around his eyes and mouth, added to the undecipherable age. I bet he still looks the same, even though I’m different.
I tilt my head and discover I like the man I’ve become and I know who will complete me. If she doesn’t know I can complete her, I will just have show her what the truth is.
***
We pull onto the street, and I smile at the sound of the baby engine of the Black Yamaha SR400 with the dark blue gas tank. The used bike would get him through until he was ready to step up to a big boy. When I don’t see Blue’s car, I frown. Still running? We get off our bikes and walk into the house.
“All right, Dad, I need to get to finishing my homework or Blue will have my head.”
I smirk. “Yeah?”
“Dad, she’s crazy when she wants to be. Don’t let her fool you.”
I throw my head back and laugh. “I’m counting on it. Takes a crazy woman to be an Old Lady.”
His eyes sparkle. “Really?”
“I’m working on it, Bolton.”
He grins as he disappears inside the house.
I make my way up onto the porch, pull a pack of cigarettes from the pocket inside my vest, and light up. The nicotine rush feels good. I’d kicked the habit in the pen—cigs were power and I couldn’t afford to squander it—but out here, I could indulge when the urge hit. I held the butt between my finger and my thumb wondering what my next step with Blue would be. I’m known for my patience. Revenge is best served cold, and killing quietly with no witnesses is a waiting game. When it comes to Blue, I’ve been waiting, dreaming, and longing too long to even think about going slow. She’s lucky I even let her leave the bedroom. I take a long drag and glance up as a car comes down the street.
The black Dodge Charger is just the one I’ve been waiting for. I blow out my smoke and stub out my cigarette in an ashtray. She parks, and my eyes are glued onto her ass. My woman is a curvy girl. My teeth ache to sink into her firm flesh. I’d never been about the stick skinny type, and this woman gives me plenty to hold on to. I dig that. I drag my eyes up along the rest of her body and stop at her face.
Her brow has a crease cutting into her smooth skin. Her eyes are dark with what looks like worry and her lips turn down at the corners.
I stand and walk to meet her at the top of the stairs. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Bluebell. Do I need to go stomp someone’s head in?”
Her eyes grow large. “You’d do that?”
“Fuck yes. You have to let them know out the gate you’re not playing. You been without protection for a long time. If I need to update your status, I’m down for it.”
The shock on her face pisses me off. “Fuck, babe, hasn’t anyone been looking out for you?”
“I don’t need anyone to look out for me. I can do that myself.”
“You shouldn’t have to, that’s the point,” I say.
“It’s just Calla. And me and our usual bullshit.”
“You went to see her?” I ask.
“Yes, I needed to get some things straight in my head.”
“And?”
She shakes her head.
I grip her cheeks. “This is me. You don’t bullshit me, Blue. I want every piece of you. No show, no lies, no pretending when you talk to me. You understand?”
She stares at me.
“Understand?”
She nods.
“Good, now tell me what the crazy bitch said.”
“She told me into great detail what happened that night you two…”
“Hooked up?”
Her eyes spark with anger.
That’s right, baby. I want you to be mad that someone else touched what’s yours.
“Whatever you want to call it. She did it on purpose.”
“Yeah, she did. Told that bitch straight up I was interested in you. But all that’s the past. I’m interested in the future… Ours.”
“I’m not sure what that is.”
“I am,” I say, undeterred by her hesitation.
“You’re so sure,” she whispers with a wondering tone.
“What’s not to be sure about? I talked to Bolton; he’s fine with it. He’s the only one I care about.”
“What about the club, my father?”
“He was cool with it, too.”
“You asked him?” she all but squeals.
“Yeah. I know the order of things.” I shrug.
She shoves my chest and storms off.
“It’s going to happen, Blue. And for the record, you’re sexy as hell when you’re pissed!” I call out to her.
She flips me off over her shoulder.
I chuckle. It’s good to see the fire in her. It means she’s thinking about something other than that bitter bitch rotting in prison. Some people are like poison. They spread their ugliness everywhere they go. I’m happy she’s finally contained.