CHAPTER SEVEN
Blanche
“You ready, baby girl?” I ask as I close the lid on the trunk after our last trip down from the condo.
Whitney scans the area and releases a deep breath. “Yeah, Mom. I think I am.”
“Then let’s get this road trip started.” This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I said good-bye to Jess a few days before, packed up my only child for a trip across the country where she’ll attend college, and battled with my in-laws. Dating that type of man so soon since my incident was embarrassing and improper. I love the way they pretend like Brooks and I just got a divorce. There are bonuses to my eighteen-year-old child attending college in Virginia. There’ll be very little contact with Connie and James Birling.
We climb into the SUV, and I pull away from the parking lot with the knowledge that it’ll look completely different when I return. We hit the road with coffee and deli sandwiches. We’ll be traveling at night in an attempt to beat the horrific traffic California is known for.
“Are you still going to see Jagger when I’m gone?” she asks.
“I planned on it. Does that bother you?”
“No. I mean, it’s weird seeing you with another man, but he’s pretty cool. And, Mom, you’re a cougar, ’cause he’s young.”
“Stop it,” I say with a shake of my head.
“What? It just proves you’re a fox. We have good genes.” She pats her face, and I laugh.
Over the summer she’s come into her own, working with her therapist to accept what’s happened and look ahead toward a bright future with enthusiasm. I know she’s got a lot of work to do before she’ll be one-hundred percent, but we’ve got a reference for a good psychologist in Virginia, and she’ll have room to breathe there unlike here where everything—and at times, everyone—reminds her of what once was.
“It makes me feel better knowing you’ll have someone capable to watch your back. I mean, who in their right mind is going to mess with him?”
“Do you think I need protecting?” I ask.
“Yeah, Mom, I do. Because … when I think about how close I came to losing you, it scares the shit out of me.”
“Whitney.”
“I know, ladies don’t use that kind of language, but no other word was going to fit.”
“Honey,” reaching over, I pat her hand, “I am going to be just fine.”
“I get scared that he’ll come back and try to finish the job.”
The words are a roundhouse kick to the face. “I don’t think Brooks is dumb enough to come back here. He’s holed up on an island somewhere with money he’s stashed in an overseas account.”
“What if he isn’t, though?”
The fear in her voice fills the cab.
“Then he’ll get a taste of lead. It’s different now, honey. Last time he caught me by surprise. I have no reason to hesitate to defend myself, and he’s lost the element of surprise. I don’t want you worrying about this. We agreed it was time to work on moving ahead with our lives.”
“I know, Mom. I’m trying. I just … I worry.”
“That’s my job, Whit.”
“I thought we were in this together now?”
“We are.”
“Then it’s our job to worry about each other.”
I snicker. “Are you sure you’re not planning on being a lawyer?”
“No way. I’d be bored to tears and falling asleep over thick bound leather books.”
“I’m sure there’s more to it than that.”
“Yes, but that’s a huge part of it. Are you going to return to physical therapy?”
“I’m going to try. My license is good, I’ve been reading up on advances, and I have an appointment to meet up with an old friend who has her own practice when I get back.”
“Really?” she asks excitedly.
“Yes, do you remember Ms. Julie?”
“I do! She always gave me peppermints.”
“That’s her.”
“I’m glad. You loved it, Mom, and you were good at it. Your patients always looked at you the way I’d imagine someone would an angel. I remember thinking, I want someone to look at me that way when I grow up. It’s part of why I choose this degree. I get to help people one on one. There are few things more important than the ability to speak when it comes to being able to communicate.”
Her words fill me with pride. “That’s very true, and I’m proud of you for going after your dreams.”
“How could I do anything else after watching you do it for years? Are you ready to get the playlist going?”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m naming you the D.J. for the first leg of the journey.”
As the sound of pop music comes over the speakers and California becomes an image in the rearview mirror I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I roll down the windows, let the wind play with my hair, and just breathe.
***
As we pull into the tiny town where I was born and raised, my soul rejoices. It’s our last stop before we reach our final destination. I drive down the familiar streets, marveling at the way things haven’t changed. In California thing are constantly closing and opening. It’s reassuring to return to the slower pace and all the memories I have associated with my cozy town where I was taught right from wrong, made to play outside, and shaped into the woman I am now.
“It hasn’t changed at all,” I whisper.
“That’s one of the things I like most,” Whitney whispers. “I mean, California has nice weather, great food, tons of festivals, and cool cities. But it’s always so fast paced, and superficial. I chose Virginia because I wanted to get away from that. I want to focus on my degree and figuring out who the hell I want to be in four years when I’m expected to be an adult.”
“You don’t think you can do that back home?”
“Not when everyone knows who I am and what … what happened.”
“I understand.”
“Have you thought of coming back home, Mom?”
“No. My life’s in San Diego. Maybe after I get some time on the books again I can think about transferring, but at the moment my business connections are all there, and I’m going to need every one of them to get my career off the ground again.” I drive by the small white church where I spent every Wednesday for Sunday School and Sunday during the summer and smile.
“And Jagger?”
“Yes, he plays a part in my decision, too. But only a small one.”
“Hmm.”
I shake my head and let it go as I pull into the driveway. My mom steps out on the porch, and suddenly I’m fighting back the tears as I put the car into the park. I unbuckle my seatbelt, hop down, and rush over to the arms that held me when I scrapped my knee, had my feelings hurt, and experienced my first heartbreak. I inhale her vanilla scent and hug her tight as she kisses my cheek.
“Hi, my baby.”
“Hi, Mama.”
“It’s been too long since I saw you last.”
“I know, Mama.” It always hits me when I’m with her again how few and far between our visits are. I’m changing that now. There’s no one else’s schedule to consider but my own. I step back and let Whitney take my place.
“Hi, Nana,” she says brightly as they hug. It always does me good to see the generations of my family together.
“Hi, baby. You look so grown up I hardly recognized you. And now you’ll be closer. I can’t wait to spend more time with you.” She pats Whitney’s hand. “You two grab your bags and come on in. I have the guest room and your old room ready. Dinner is warm and on the stove.”
My father steps out with a grin. I peer up at the man who was always larger than life with his rich baritone, slender, oval-shaped face with a wide forehead, and a strong jaw that made him seem stern to those who didn’t know him. An Army man, he’d done eight years of services and returned home to work at the post office until he retired almost six years ago.
“Hi, Daddy.” I hug him tight.
“Hi, sweetpea. It’s good to have you home.”
He smells like pipe tobacco and sandalwood; it’s a comforting combination I’ve grown used to over the years. “I bought you something from the cigar shop you like so much in Old Town.”
His dark brown eyes light up, and his lips curve upward. “You know you’re my favorite child, don’t you?”
“I’m your only child,” I say as we laugh at the old joke.
“I’ll grab our overnight bags and meet you inside, okay?” I say to Whitney who nods. I retrace our steps and remove the carry-ons from the backseat. Shutting the door, I pause to pull out the phone.
Safe and sound in TN ~ B
Call me later? ~ J
Yep, before bed. ~ B
Don’t tempt me. I’ll have you coming over the phone and biting your lip, so your parents don’t hear you ~ B
The ridiculously naughty imagery makes me wet. Jagger’s good at doing that. I don’t know why I bother wearing panties with him. I can picture him now with that wicked smile that makes me forget all reason and pain. He’s the drug of choice to numb me out when the world gets to be too much. I used to question his place in my life, and if it was wise to let him remain. But now, I couldn’t turn back if I wanted to. In a world that’s turned upside down and left me on the outside, we fit. It’s everything I need.
I’m content in a way I couldn’t fathom ever being again nearly a year ago. At this moment, I’m okay. I take the suitcases inside, put them in our room, and wash up in the sink. I know when I enter the kitchen Mama and Daddy will be stuffing Whit full of food. My mouth waters and I put a little pep in my step to get their faster. The scent of chicken and dumplings makes my stomach growl as I enter the dining room.
“You made my favorite,” I say as I walk inside and grab a plate from the kitchen island.
“And peach cobbler for dessert,” Mama replies.
“You’re going to have to roll me to the bedroom, but I love you anyway, Mama.” I kiss her cheek as I dish up a bowl from the Dutch oven on the stove.
“Nothing wrong with a woman who has meat on her bones. Girls are walking around here looking like skeletons these days,” Dad grumps.
I clear my throat to hide my snicker. A group of mean girls had given me hell in junior high before I outgrew my baby fat, and Daddy had never forgotten it.
“Everyone’s built differently, and that’s okay,” I say, patting his hand as I move to sit beside him with a bowl loaded to the brim.
“Humph.”
I tuck in, closing my eyes as the taste brings me back to my youth. “Mama, you know you put your foot in this,” I say as she laughs.
“Thank you, baby. I imagine you don’t eat things like this often.”
“Not during the summer season. It’s too dang hot.”
“She makes plenty of your other recipes, though, Nana.”
“Good to hear you’re keeping up the traditions.”
“She learned how to cook just the way I did,” I say, silently promising her I hadn’t gotten that caught up in the Birling hype.
We play catch up between bites, and I listen as Mama fills me in on all the local gossip … I mean news.
“Are you coming back this way after you get Whitney settled?” Mom asks once Whit excuses herself to get ready for bed.
“No, I have to be getting back. I-I’m getting back into the workforce.”
“Oh my God. Did they freeze all your accounts again?” She places a hand on her chest.
Smiling, I shake my head. “No, Mama. I just miss the work.”
“Praise be to God. I’ve been praying you’d find your passion again. Even before what happened, you’ve been a dull version of the woman I know you were meant to be. I know you said everything was fine. But I can’t help but wonder if something else went on.”
I reach across the table and grab her hand, then look over and meet my father’s questioning gaze. “There was nothing else. I’m not a battered wife. The only thing I was hiding was discontent. I promise.”
She sighs, and I see the anxiety leave her chocolate-brown eyes. “Okay. I had to ask.”
“We’re here for you whatever you need, sweetpea. You know that, right?” my father says.
The self-doubt I see in his eyes is a mule kick to the gut. “I do know, Daddy. Pride is a sin for a reason. I didn’t want anyone to know my perfect looking family was anything but. He was never cruel before that night. He didn’t hit me or push me. We just drifted apart until oceans lay between us. I don’t know why he did what he did. I’m not hiding some deep, dark secret that would make sense of this mess. I’m just trying to recover from it one day at a time. I have my good days, and I have my bad ones.”
“So this mess we hear around town about you dating the wrong kind of man is just gossip?” Daddy asks.
I glance at the ceiling and sigh. This is one thing I will never miss about life in a small town. Everyone knew everyone’s business.
“Some might look down on Jagger. He rides a motorcycle and belongs to a motorcycle club. They own quite a few business in San Mateo and the surrounding areas. Bars and grills, pawn shops, small places like that.” I decide to leave out the strip club and the Medical Marijuana Dispensary.
“You don’t think it’s a bit too soon to have a gentleman caller?” my father asks.
“I did. We were friends first. We liked to go to different local restaurants together. Then we found we enjoyed our time together so much we branched out to doing other things like hiking or going to amusement parks. Before we knew it, we were dating. I thought about waiting, because like you said, it seemed soon. Then I thought about how all the worries, caution, and proper etiquette did nothing to save me from Brooks. Tragedy comes for us all regardless of how many rules we follow. I trust Jagger as much as I can trust anyone these days. We have fun, and he treats me well. It’s new, and we’re still figuring things out. That’s why I haven’t mentioned him yet. That’s all I have to say about the topic really.”
My mother frowns but holds her tongue when Daddy shoots her a look. He’s always been a fan of allowing me to make my own decisions.
“That’s good enough for us. I knew James was a windbag. He and that sharp-tongued harpie of his, have been doing everything they can to paint their over-indulged, murderous, son of a bitch son into a better light. If they had told the brat no and tanned his hide a few times growing up, he wouldn’t be this way.”
My jaw drops. A godly man, I can count the number of times I’ve heard my daddy cuss.
“Virgil,” my mother chides, at the same time as I exclaim, “Daddy!”
“A man has his limits, too,” he mumbles, standing from the table. “I’m going to enjoy a smoke on the front porch before I call it a night.”
“I think I’m going to get ready for bed, too. All that driving has tuckered me out.”
“Okay, baby, sweet dreams and we’ll see you in the morning.”
I kiss her cheek on the way to my room. My phone vibrates. I pull it from my pocket and frown. It’s a California number I don’t recognize it. Maybe Jagger is calling from the club?
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Birling?”
“Yes,” I say, trying to place the smooth alto.
“This is Detective Russel.”
“Oh, God. Did you get him?” I ask. Excitement and fear slam together to make a gravity altering cocktail. I stumble in the hallway and lean against the wall. My body trembles and my legs weaken. Digging my heels in, I balance my weight to remain standing.
“No, ma’am. We’ve received an anonymous tip. He was allegedly spotted in San Diego. We think maybe he’d been hiding in Mexico and crossed back over to the United States.”
“Oh my God.”
“We can send an officer by your home if you’d like.”
“Um. No. I’m not there. I’m actually on vacation in Tennessee.”
“That’s probably for the best. This could be a wild goose chase, but I always prefer to be safe rather than sorry, so I wanted to warn you to be extra cautious. I’ll have some men patrol in your area to keep an eye on your place. I also want you to contact me when you return.”
“Yes, sir,” I whisper, still trying to recover from the blow.
“I’m sorry this wasn’t better news.”
Me too.
“Thank you, Detective. I appreciate you keeping me in the loop.” The older man with graying black hair, kind brown eyes that had seen too much, and a relatively fit frame had been a godsend. I truly felt he wanted to catch Brooks.
I hang up, shell-shocked and on edge. I was certain he’d be as far away as possible by now. Has he been lurking in town this entire time? Was he stalking me? I stumble into my room like a zombie as the panic sets in. Closing the door behind myself, I slide to the floor, and place my spinning head between my knees as I struggle to breathe around the massive weight sitting on my chest. I clench and unclench my fists as I battle the familiar tightening and hot flashes going off in my body.
My brain is too crowded. I cover my mouth to hide the sobs that escape between gasps for air. Just like that he’s stolen my peace. The very thought of him anywhere near me sends me into meltdown mode. No one can know. I refuse to let him ruin this for Whitney. I focus on counting as I wrestle with my breathing. I can do this. I have to. Inhale. Exhale. There’s enough air. I can breathe. I struggle through the episode and rush to my bag to erase the signs of the break with eye drops and make-up wipes. A few more days and Whitney will be settled in, and I’ll have the entire drive home to agonize. I ignore Dr. Adam’s voice in my head, telling me bottling things up only leads to more problems down the road. I have to function. That’s the only thing on my mind right now. I place a hand onto my queasy stomach. I wonder once more what his plan for me was. Would he have hidden my body, or told the police I had an accident? And to what ends? What had he expected to gain? Is he coming back to finish the job? I remind myself it was a tip. They turn out to be hearsay more times than not, right? Silence is my only answer.
***
I thought I was prepared for this day, but I was dead wrong. I hesitate inside the cheery dorm room. The mirror has been hung, the desk is organized, and the bed has been made with the cute black and white polka dot bedding and accent pillows. Her clothes have been put away in her drawer, and every inch of the space has been cleaned to my specifications.
The only thing left to do is leave her here to wait for her roommate to arrive. My stomach clenches. My daughter is starting her first year of college on the other side of the country in Williamsburg, Virginia on a full ride. I’m proud, sad, and scared to not be a phone call away. After all the drama in San Diego, I understand her need for distance, but it’s been a tough pill to swallow.
I turn to her. “So this is see you later.”
Her lower lip trembles. “Hey, no tears, sweetie. You’re going to slay this year, and I am always a phone call away.”
She nods her head. “I know. I just … I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you, too,” I say as we hug tightly. Staying will prolong the painful experience for both of us. I hug until she lets go, and I step back, swiping at my eyes. “I think I sprang a leak.”
“Must be a contagious virus,” she agrees. The week we’ve shared was our long good-bye. Being on the road with my baby was a much-needed girls’ vacation. We bonded and expelled the demons we’d both been holding too close to our chest.
I sniff. “Okay, I’m actually leaving this time. I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”
“Love you, too, Mama.”
I kiss her forehead and step back. Walking out of the room is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Digging my fingernails into my palms, I keep my smile pasted on my lips. I make it inside the car before I break down.
Resting my head against the steering wheel, I start the car up and crank the AC. I don’t have to be hot and miserable. I call the one person who’ll make me feel better.
“Is she settled?” Jagger says.
“Yes.” I choke on my tears.
“Aww, B. You okay?”
“I will be. I’m happy for her. I really am. But oh my God, am I going to miss her.”
“I’ll make sure you’re plenty occupied.”
The sexually charged sentence makes me laugh, despite myself. “You’re awful.”
“Awfully smart. Yeah, I am. Listen, I’ll call you later on tonight. Right now I’m at work.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, never be sorry for needing me.”
His words melt me like chocolate in the sun. He doesn’t even have to try. I used to think it was a game, a repertoire he’d learned to use on women, but after seeing him with the Kings I know it’s not true. Cheered by my daily dose of Jagger, I pull myself together. A nagging voice says I should talk about the possible sighting, but I slap a piece of duct tape on her mouth and shove her in a trunk. She can come out when I get back home and have a session with Dr. Adams.