CHAPTER THREE
Blanche
“You look better than you did when I arrived,” Jess says as we sip sweet tea on my balcony.
I laugh. “That wasn’t a hard feat.”
“It’s more than the hair and new clothes.”
“You helped me remember who I was. With you here, it’s no so overwhelming because I’m not alone.”
“And that sexy young boy you have drooling over you doesn’t hurt either, huh?
“We’re just friends.”
“For now. It’s only been a few weeks, give it time.”
I roll my eyes, but I don’t deny it. Jagger is gorgeous, and when he focuses his attention on me, nothing else in the world matters or exists. He’s a magic potion that stops time. It’s a fantasy. I know his life has held a lot of darkness. It clings to him like an invisible shroud. We silently agree to not talk about certain things. He doesn’t ask more about my husband or the divorce, and I don’t ask about the club or his past. It works for us. I’m still not sure what he sees in me, but I’m grateful for it.
“I feel good about our progress with the exception of one last thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Your future. What do you want to do?”
I sigh. “What can I do?”
“Go back to physical therapy. Your certifications are good for ten years, and it’s been what … six at most?”
“It’s been so long, Jess. What it if I just don’t have it in me anymore? I left because it all got to be too much.”
“No, the passion you had for helping people recover was second only to your love for Whitney. That kind of passion doesn’t just fade. You’ve been told too many times how you could be made better. I saw Brooks do it with my own eyes. His backhanded compliments and nitpicking. It wore you down over the years. I could hear it in your voice, and see it in your eyes. That’s over. He’s gone. Don’t let him anchor you to mediocrity when you were born to rise above it all. I always knew you were meant to be something special, B.”
“Maybe then. Now I’m just trying to pick up the pieces.”
“Bullshit. You’re free to live up to your potential. Whitney is a big girl. She doesn’t need you the way she did then. She’ll be off in college, and you can return to the field you love.”
Her eyes are so full of hope, I can’t bear to let her down. Not when she’s walked away from the summer season and her home to pump me full of TLC.
“All right, let’s check out the certificate and brush up on the rules and regulations for returning to work. Some things may have changed.”
“Yay.” She claps her hands together, and I laugh.
“You’re still incorrigible, you know that?” I ask.
“If by incorrigible you mean the best friend ever. Yes, I know.”
“You’re lucky I even have it.”
“Please, Miss Anal, place all of my important paper in a fire box was going to know exactly where something that important was. I knew you’d have it.”
Pulling the box from under my bed, I set the black square on top of my comforter and enter the combination into the keypad. My hands shake as I open the box. I remove the Whitney folder and dig to the bottom where I packed away my life. I lift my black certificate holder and open it.
“Then it looks like you need to hit the books, bitch. Give yourself a timeframe before you get back there. It’ll help you pull the trigger.”
“Six months?” It should allow me to get Whitney off to school and settle into life alone.
“B, you’re so fucking smart. You can do this.”
She’s always been my biggest cheerleader. I trail my fingers over the raised seal. I worked so hard to get this under my belt, and I loved my time working with patients. The total transformation from the first day under my care until the last was incredibly rewarding. It was also draining. Avoiding attachment was impossible, and not every case was a success story. It was part of the reason I decided to take leave of absence. Not everyone accepts their limitations. They let the hand dealt them turn them bitter, and take out their discontent and anger on everyone around them. I got two like that back to back, and it burned me out.
I’m ready now to return to helping others. It’s the best kind of therapy. Using your time, knowledge, and in my case hands to better someone else’s life. Pride shoves away the hopelessness that’s settled over me. I worked hard to earn this certificate, and even harder to carve a name for myself in the field. I’ve seen amputees learn to walk with their prosthetics, children who’d been hit by cars regain their legs and independence, and new paraplegics learn to navigate the world in a different and completely foreign way. Those people had courage. They humbled me and showed me firsthand how the impossible was possible.
What I’m facing is a drop in the bucket in comparison. I owe myself more.
“You know what? You’re right. I can do this.”
“Hells yeah! That’s the B I know and love. Welcome back to the land of the living, sugar beet.”
I turn to her. “Thank you.”
“All I’m doing is holding up a mirror, so you can see the amazing, capable, and kind woman everyone else does.”
I lean in and hug her tight. Some folks just bring out the best in us.
“Now let’s get out a paper, write out a plan, and do some research.”
“Such a bossy booty.”
“No, I’m a boss bitch. There’s a difference, honey.”
Laughing, I shake my head. “I love you.” Her complete acceptance of all things Jesslynn, good and bad, is refreshing and indicative to the girl I grew up with. It’s why nothing ever shocked me. Of course, she opened her shop young and turned it into a successful business. She doesn’t take no for an answer, kills the naysayers with kindness, and works her ass off to get what she wants. It’s her philosophy of work hard, play hard that keeps her from burning the candle at both ends of the wick.
“And I love you, too … which is why we’re going to put our heads together, dream up the life you’ve always wanted, and will it into existence. Lord, I’m claiming this for you. You have been through hell and back, and it’s time for you to experience joy again. I think Brooks was blocking your blessings. A man who could do what he did is dark.”
“I keep going over our relationship, trying to pick out signs that he’d be capable of this. But honestly, there were none. A wealthy doctor cheating on his spouse isn’t anything new. I tried to tell myself I was paranoid. Then I attempted to ignore it. I mean, we had a great life, and I didn’t want to hurt Whitney. So we pretended like it didn’t happen. The way they do back home with prominent families. The wife looks the other way, pastes on a smile, buys more than she needs to fill up that emptiness, and dies a little more inside with each day that passed. I snapped that night. I called him out about his cheating.” My voice shakes. It’s the first time I’ve gone into detail with someone other than my therapist, my lawyer, or the police.
“Oh. My. God.”
“I told him I knew he was cheating on me and I was done pretending.” My chest grows tight as the night slams into me. I close my eyes against the vivid memories. His face was twisted with rage, and his eyes glowed with hellfire. The man turned into a demon before my eyes. Monsters exist. They walk among us in human guises. That’s scarier than anything paranormal based.
“You know it wasn’t your fault. How the hell could anyone see this coming?”
I sigh. “I was terrified he’d gone completely around the bend and planned on killing us both. All I could think about was getting to the house to protect Whitney.”
“And you did that. Hey.”
I blink and focus on the dark brown eyes, surrounded by thick black lashes. “You did that. You survived, and you’re dealing with the aftermath the best way you can. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over any of it.”
“Jess. I chose him.”
“People change, B. Who he was in college is not who he became. Or worst case he hid it very well. Either way, it’s not on you.”
One day, I hope I believe that.
***
“I love this place,” Jess gushes as we enter the diner nestled on the end of the pier in Oceanside. A retro throwback, the diner boasted a fattening menu of burgers, fries, shakes, sundaes, and more. The male wait staff wore crisp white T-shirts and triangular hats trimmed in red with khakis. The women wore red and white A-line dresses with white aprons and a white cap. The white Formica tables, red stools, and vinyl booths added to the time warp experience that came with walking inside the restaurant. We grab a seat in the back and pile into the booth.
It’s D-day. She’s announcing which college she decided to go with, and I’m sharing my news to go back into the field. It feels good to have something uplifting to bring to the table. We’ve been wading through the darkness for far too long. It’s time we leave inky night and step toward the light.
“How can I choose when I want all the food?” Jess whines as I laugh. “Hey, you were the same way when you come back home,” she says.
“I know. How about limiting yourself to the lunch selection? It should help.”
“We’re coming back here again before I leave, right?”
“Yes, Jess,” I say.
“Okay, takes some of the pressure off.”
Whitney laughs. The sound makes my heart swell. Jess has been good for her, too. She’s a breath of fresh air in a stagnate environment.
“Oh, hush. You’ve got age on your side. You can eat like this all the time and never worry about a pound. I have to weigh out my options. Cinnamon roll French toast for the win,” Jess sings.
We place our orders with our waitress and sip on our drinks.
“Are you ready to tell me what you decided on, sweetie?” I ask.
“Yeah. It was hard. I always thought I’d go to college closer to home.” She swallows, and I hold my breath. “But now it’s the furthest thing from what I want to do. I choose to go with the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia. I want to major in Linguistics, and they have a top-notch program.”
The announcement is an arrow to my heart. I fight surprise, and the urge to rub my sternum, and take a large gulp of soda.
“That’s a great choice, baby. Congratulations! They offered you the full ride, didn’t they?”
“Yes. I know we can afford to pay, but why do that when I can take advantage of a scholarship, and go somewhere I really think I’d enjoy? I’d be an ant under a microscope if I attend college in California or any of the neighboring states.”
“Congrats, Whit. That just puts you closer to family and your Godmother.”
“Y-you’re not upset,” Whitney whispers.
“Oh, honey, no. Sad that we’re going to be so far away from one another, yes. But that’s normal. That’s what’s supposed to happen when your only child goes off to college. This is your life. I want you to make informed decisions based on what you think will be best for you. You’re right. You need distance, and being closer to my family is a good thing. It gives me even more reason to get out that way.”
Jess clears her throat.
“I actually have a bit of news myself. I’m thinking about returning to physical therapy.”
Her hazel eyes light up. “Oh my God. Mom, are you serious? That would be amazing. You loved your job.”
“I am. I need to look into a few things, but my license is still current, and I think I can catch up with the new procedures and policies.” I’m lying through my teeth, but the two of them are eating it up, so I continue. Coming back isn’t like riding a bike, and I’m scared I can’t hack it. I can always learn things on paper. It’s getting back into the groove and getting someone to give me a chance is what really concerns me. Why didn’t I keep in better contact with people? Because Brooks didn’t want me to, and it became easier to give in than it was to argue.
He planned out every last detail of my life for the past six years, and like a fool, I let him. Shame washes over me once more. I glance away from daughter, unable to look her in the eyes. What kind of example did I set? It’s a heavy load to take on one’s shoulders.
“I’m proud of you, Mom.”
The words rub salt into an open wound.
“Thank you, baby.” I’m a master at hiding my true emotions after all this time. So I say and do the right things while I scream my throat raw mentally.
We leave the late lunch as the sun is setting. The sinking orb spreads its beautiful purples, oranges, and reds across the ocean, turning the beach into a postcard photo op. There’s a time when I would’ve admired it. Now, I’m numb. The only thing I have left to live for is hauling it out of here in a few months, and I’m too damn tired and full of doubt to claw my way back into the medical field. I used to be such a strong woman, like my mother and my grandmother.
Once I figured what I wanted, I went for it in beast mode until I had it. I wasn’t raised to be this spineless jellyfish I’ve become. I can’t help but think back to the way my grandma gave Brooks the side-eye and a small frown of disapproval. She bit her tongue when he was around. It was the polite thing to do, but she never approved of him. Even as my mother oohed and ahhed over the great catch I’d landed. She told me he was too self-absorbed and it would lead to grief later one. You were right about that, Grandma.
“You know I love you guys, and I’m glad we did lunch, but I have plans tonight.”
“Oh, with who?” I ask.
“Jenny and Riley. The two girls that came by earlier this week. We have a group project due, and I’m going over to Jenny’s to work on it.”
“It’s just her and her mother and little sister in the three-bedroom apartment, right?”
“Yeah.” She nods.
I relax. I’m still wary of men. In a public setting with plenty of witnesses, they’re fine. Alone, my mind begins to make up horrific scenarios and my heart races. My psychiatrist says it’s normal, and over time it’ll fade. But when I’m in the midst of a panic attack, it feels like it goes on forever. How can I have clients when I’m prone to spaz attacks? I push the frustration down. My days with these women are numbered; vacation will be over soon enough for Jess, and college is coming for Whit.
“Okay. This is your final project for English, isn’t it?”
“Yes. They made it a group project because they felt it was important to reinforce working together before we head off to college. It’s always the same. One person acts as leader, one flakes off, and the other coasts in the middle.”
“Where do you land?” Jess asks.
“The leader or co-leader. I don’t leave my grades up to chance.”
“That’s my girl,” I say, proud of her take charge attitude. It’s something she got from her father. I mentally flinch at the thought of him. My stomach churns, and a chill settles into my bones as the ocean breeze comes in. It’s hot out, but this kind of cold comes from the inside. My mind drifts to Jagger. I wish I had his ability to block my emotions, ’cause they’re hell on my heart.
We part ways at our cars, and I can’t help but feel the distance between us begin to form as Whitney backs out of the parking space and drives away. Yet again, life is shifting for the Birling family.
“You going to be okay, Mama Bear?”
“Yeah. I mean, you know they have to grow up and leave the nest, but after everything that’s happened, I can’t help but feel like I’m one more surprise away from a breakdown.”
“How can I help?”
“You already are, Jess. By listening without judging me.”
“You know you’ve always got a safe place here with me,” she says.
I nod my head as we get into the SUV.
“Where to now, fearless leader?”
“Let’s go back to my place and put the new blender to the test. I need one or three margaritas.”
She laughs. “I’ve turned you into a lush again. Remember the college days?”
“Barely, no thanks to you.”
She snickers. “Please, you made good grades and got to class … most of the time.”
My lips twitch up in the corners. It’s easier to cope with her around. She’s the queen of distraction. I steer the car to the highway, promising myself I’ll deal with the tangled, matted mess of my emotions later.
I have a margarita in my hand, Say Anything on the television, and a massive bowl of salty, artery clogging popcorn between me and my bestie. It’s therapy and the healthy kind of self-medicating. A knock at the door makes me moan. “No. She was about to punk out and give him a pen,” Jess moans as she grabs the remote and presses pause.
My chest grows tight. My head swims as I dig my fingers into the cushion. I can’t handle another ambush by reporters. Not today. My mouth waters as my stomach protests.
“B?”
Clearing my throat, I stand as I suck oxygen in through my mouth. The air feels thinner. I dig my nails into the fleshy meat of my palms as I force one foot in front of the other. I reach the door and peer out the peephole. The sight of my in-law deflates one type of anxiety and flares up another. I won’t have cameras and camcorders in my face, but an inquisition is certainly coming.
“It’s James and Connie.”
“Jesus. Can we pretend we’re not here?”
I laugh. “If I thought it would make them go away, yes. Be nice.”
“Oh, honey, I’ll be so nice it’ll make them sick,” Jess said, batting her eyelashes. A devilish grin crosses her lips, and the dimple in her left cheek appears.
Kill ’em with kindness. The Southern Belle’s code, unless you got them going, then look out. I rest my forehead against the door and gather myself for the battle to come. They do nothing without a purpose. Least of all show up in my tiny home. I open the door.
“Connie, James. What can I do for you?”
Despite her petite frame, the bleach blonde-haired thin woman manages to look down on me from her five-foot-five inch stature.
“We thought we’d see our grandchild since you can’t be bothered to bring her by.”
“You know why, Connie,” I reply quietly. Their home is a media trap.
“We’d be happy to meet you somewhere else, Blanche. We just want to see Whitney.”
“And I want to protect her. We’ve changed schools so many times. We’re just trying to get her to graduation.”
Connie strains her neck to look around me, and I step back. “Please, come in,” I say dryly.
“Where is she?” Connie asks.
“She’s working on a school project. The last one before graduation actually. It’s pretty important.”
Connie sniffs. “As if we can’t afford to send her wherever she’d like.”
“Yes, we could, but she’s worked hard these past four years to go on her own merit,” I say patiently.
“She’s a Birling, she was born with the right connections,” Connie huffs.
I want to wring her neck.
She scowls. “And I see we’re having a celebration. Hello, Jesslynn. I would have thought you’d be running your little boutique about now.”
“My store is doing well enough to run on its own while I take a much-needed vacation and support my sister after an unthinkable tragedy.”
Connie glances away.
I peer down and cough to hide my smile. One point, Jess.
“I’m glad to hear your shop’s doing well, Jesslynn. I would’ve thought a pretty young girl with so much going for her would’ve been married ages ago,” James says.
“Oh, I’m waiting for the right one, Mr. Birling. It’s hard to find a good man these days. There are so many wolves in sheep’s clothing.”
I mentally pump my fist in the air. Best friends, the people who say the things you can’t.
“Well, a man likes a woman who knows her place,” James states.
“Hmmm, some women like men who believe in equality.”
“I can tell Whit you stopped by. You guys can arrange a low-key dinner somewhere maybe?”
“Is low key your way of saying cheap?” Connie wrinkles her nose.
“It’s my way of reminding you I won’t expose my daughter to the media any more than she already has been.”
“We understand,” James says as he shoots his wife a look that has her clamping her mouth shut.
Is this what I used to look like?
“I’ll make sure she calls. Teenagers have a way of forgetting how important family is from time to time.”
James chuckles. “Isn’t that the truth? We look forward to hearing from her. Come on, Connie.” He holds out his arm, and she tucks her own in it. They retrace their steps, and I show them out. The minute the door closes I rest my back against it.
“You should throw salt behind them, so they don’t come back,” Jesslynn says.
“One, that’s an old wives’ tale, and two, they’re too evil for anything without serious juju to work.”
“Have they been this awful the entire time since they lost the custody hearing?”
“Worse. This is tame. Funny how they manage to tamp down their attitude when you assert yourself and let them know toxic relationships will no longer be tolerated.”
“Damn, I’m proud of you.”
“It was speak up or go insane.” I sigh.
“Here. You sit. I’ll make another margarita.”
“I’m not finished with the first one.”
“You will be once you sit down. Those two would drive a nun to drink.”
Sinking into the couch, I take a gulp of the margarita to combat the feeling of walls squeezing in too close around me.