Chapter 16
Allie
I stood from my desk and tucked my chair in. I flattened my skirt out as I walked down the hall to the lunch room. No one was there because it was an hour later than when everyone usually took their break. I intentionally waited to eat so that I could sit in peace and quiet and avoid James, who always liked to invite me to his office to have lunch together. The last three months had been filled with daily visits to his office, where he told me how pretty I was and tried to convince me to start wearing lower cut blouses to work.
Did he somehow know that I was alone? That I hadn’t had sex for three months because the man I loved wasn’t speaking to me anymore?
I opened the communal fridge and grabbed the container with my name on it. Inside was some chopped-up veggies with hummus and half an egg salad sandwich. I stared at it, scrunched up my nose, and concluded that I was going to treat myself to a better lunch. Melissa and I had made plans to meet that afternoon, but she had called me the night before to tell me she couldn’t make it. So I had thrown together a last-minute meal, and now there wasn’t a single part of me that wanted to eat it. I wanted something cozy with all the cold weather that had settled in.
Now burdened with a craving for chili, I donned my jacket and slipped out of the office. I made my way down the block to a small diner that had the best homemade chili around, slid into a booth, and placed my order.
The diner looked empty. A month and a half ago it had been filled with cheerful Christmas lights, and the windows had all been painted with images of Santa and candy canes. Now it felt somber.
My chili arrived quickly. I leaned over it, the steam wafting up into my nose. When I opened my eyes, I was looking across the room.
To my surprise, I found a familiar pair of eyes staring back at me.
Steven was sitting at a booth, alone, on the other side of the diner. He had a small smile playing on his lips, and I suspected he had been watching me for a while. I smiled back and gave him a little wave.
He stood up, collected his winter jacket from the seat across from him, and made his way over to me. He stopped when he stood above me. “Well, hey there stranger,” he said.
“Hey there,” I said, rubbing my palms over my thighs anxiously.
“Can I join you?” he asked, nodding at the empty seat across from me.
“Please,” I said.
He slid into the booth and folded his arms over the table. “You look good,” he said. “I like the new haircut.”
I had cut some of the length off my hair earlier that month. It was still long, but shorter than it had been the last time he saw me at the Italian restaurant. That had been three months ago now.
I swallowed. “You look good, too.” I wasn’t lying. His jaw was darkened with stubble that had never been there before. It gave a rugged, handsome look to his dark features that suited him. His hair was styled differently, too. I was used to seeing an unruly dark mess atop his head; now it was slicked back and shorter on the sides.
“What have you been up to?” he asked, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. He seemed genuinely interested. It didn’t feel like he was forcing himself to talk to me just because he had run into me. Maybe some of the anger he felt toward me had started to ebb away with the passing of time.
“Oh, you know, the same old stuff. I’m keeping busy with work.”
“James still being a perv?”
“Yes,” I said, almost laughing. Almost. “What about you? How are things? The scruff suits you, by the way.”
Steven scratched his chin almost self-consciously. “Yeah? Well, you know, gotta try new things every now and then. I’ve been alright. Things with the app have really taken off. It’s in the beta testing stage right now, and most reviews are positive. A couple more rounds of adjustments and it should be released to the public. Keep an eye out for our advertising campaign,” he winked.
How dare he wink. He should have known what it did to me. All those feelings for him, all that desire and need came rushing back. “I miss you,” I blurted out. I clapped my hands over my mouth like I could catch the words and stuff them back in before he heard them.
That smile of his that I loved so much appeared. His teeth looked whiter than ever against the contrast of his dark facial hair. “I’ve missed you too, Allie. It’s been weird not having you around.”
“Yeah,” I said, picking absently at a peeling part of the booth beside me. “Same.”
Things were quiet for a while after that. The waitress arrived, and Steven ordered some chili. I waited for her to bring it to him before I dug into mine. We ate quietly together. Neither of us knowing what to say, or neither of us willing to be the one to speak first.
The food was good and warmed me up. I started to dread going back to work, so I wracked my brain for any potential conversation starters. It was more than awkward sitting together with the heavy and very full silence hanging between us. There was a lot that we should be saying, but were unwilling to voice.
“Are you seeing anyone?” I asked when we finished eating.
Steven chuckled and leaned back in the booth. “Seeing anyone? Come on, it’s been three months. But you know me better than that.”
“So, that’s a no?”
“That’s a no,” he nodded.
“Right. Well, you never know. Stranger things have happened,” I said.
“True. Like my best friend hooking up with my brother,” Steven said. There was still a hint of amusement in his eyes, but it was faint.
I bit my lip and looked away from him. “Yeah.”
“What about you?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “You seeing anyone?”
“No, definitely not,” I said, wishing painfully that I was so I would have something to talk about. “How’s Chance?”
“He’s good. Doing the same old stuff, too. You know how it is. He still busts my ass about you and I not talking. Drives him a bit crazy.”
I smiled. Chance was one of the good ones. He and I always got along. I missed him, too. “Well, Chance always has been more invested in other people’s lives than his own. It’s a blessing and a curse.”
Steven chuckled again. “I suppose you could look at it that way. How’s your sister? She still working her ass off? Pedal to the metal?”
“Yes,” I said, feeling a bit lighter now. “She’s keeping busy. She asks about you a lot. I took a breath to continue but didn’t say anything.
“Yes?” Steven asked, sensing my hesitation.
“She knows how much I miss you. The last few months haven’t been easy, Steven. Not at all. I have a lot of regrets. A lot of guilt. I still feel terrible. I think I always will. I’m so sorry.”
Steven was looking at me like he wasn’t sure what to say. Some of that anger I had seen in him that night at The Italian Corner resurfaced in his dark eyes. Then he shrugged, and it was gone. “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it now, right?”
I nodded and nudged the salt and pepper shakers around on the table. Conversation between Steven and I used to flow so effortlessly. Now there was this big elephant in the room.
I reminded myself that I was lucky to even be talking to him. Yesterday, and all the days over the last three months, I never would have believed I would be sitting down with Steven today. I was sure that I would never talk to him again; and I was positive that if I ever saw him in passing, he would turn away from me.
“Why did you get up and come sit with me?” I asked after the waitress brought us our bill.
Steven scooped it up before I could and pulled out his wallet. “I was watching you for a while. I had decided that if you saw me, and if you smiled, I would come over.”
“And if I hadn’t smiled?”
“I probably would have left,” he shrugged, dropping thirty dollars on the table.
“You don’t have to buy mine,” I said. “Please let me.”
“Nah,” he said, waving his hand at me. “Don’t worry about it. I want to.”
That awkward silence returned. Our conversation wasn’t natural like it used to be. Every word felt like I had to work for it. Every sentence felt like a masterpiece.
“Would you want to come over tonight by any chance? We can catch up in private and, I don’t know, try to reconnect?” I asked, bracing myself for rejection. “I’d like to talk more.”
Steven tilted his head to one side thoughtfully. I was sure he was going to shoot me down. After what I had done, and how things had ended, I wouldn’t blame him. The choice was his to make.
“Sure,” he said. “I’d like that.”
“Really?” I said.
Steven chuckled. I remembered how much I loved the sound of his laugh. “Yeah. Really. Eight o’clock alright?”
“Yes, it’s perfect. I’ll cook dinner.”
Steven nodded as he slid out of the booth and put his jacket on. “Sounds good. I’ll bring the wine.”
I nodded. He buttoned his jacket and gave me one last small smile before he turned and left the diner. I stayed in my booth, my heart hammering in my chest as I thought about him coming over to my place that night.
The waitress passed by and gave me a knowing smile. “Quite the catch you have there,” she said, nodding to the seat Steven had just vacated.
“Yes. He is. He isn’t mine though,” I said.
“Oh.” The waitress blinked. “Really? The way he was looking at you when you came in here made me think otherwise. I think he likes you, sweetheart. And I have to say, if I were you, I’d be willing to do anything he wanted me to.”
I couldn’t help myself from laughing. The waitress giggled too in a proud sort of way—as if she had been trying to make me laugh.
“If he’d have me, I would too,” I said. “But I made some mistakes that I don’t think he can forgive me for.”
The waitress frowned. “A man who is still holding on to anger doesn’t look at a woman like that. I’m just saying. Maybe he’s moved on. You’ll never know unless you go for it.”
“Right,” I said, standing up and gathering my things. “Thank you for everything.” She gave me another smile, and I went out the door, the bell chiming above my head. It was easy to give advice when you weren’t the one who carried the guilt.
As I walked back to the office in the cold, I thought about Steven. I thought about how intense the sex had been in the bathroom at The Italian Corner. He had been angry. He had fucked me even though he was angry. Even now, three months later, I still got wet thinking about it.
Then I would be sad thinking about how he left me there alone. His face, when he turned back to me, had been so anguished, so distraught, that I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I cried for him. I cried for what I had done to him.
If he had somehow found a way to put all of this behind him, I would be relieved. I didn’t want him carrying around that grief and betrayal. I wanted him to move on; even if that meant he and I could only be friends.
I would take whatever part of himself Steven was willing to give me. He was worth it.