Chapter 19
Steven
Dante’s would be crowded and busy within the next couple hours. For now, it was humming with that “before the party starts” energy. People were clustered at tables sipping on martinis while the DJ was readying his line-up for the night. The lights were on but dim, and the steady hum of conversation was heavy in the air.
Chance and I were sitting at the bar in our usual spot. We were sipping on cold beers and snacking on peanuts, and I was deliberating whether I should mention my run in with Allie the previous day.
“So,” Chance said, interrupting my thoughts. “What’s going on with you, man? You’ve barely said a word all night.”
I twisted a shell to get to the peanuts inside. I popped them in my mouth, washed it down with a mouthful of beer, and shrugged. “I’ve been thinking, I guess.”
“Thinking about what?” Chance pried.
“Whether or not I should tell you that I saw Allie yesterday.”
Chance arched an eyebrow and put his beer down. “Oh really? Did you finally get the balls to call her?”
“No,” I said. “I saw her at a diner. She was on her lunch break. I sat with her. Then she invited me back to her place for dinner. We talked, and things felt almost the same as they used to. It was good. I told her I forgave her.”
“Just dinner and talking then?” Chance asked. He had always been able to see right through me. Before even asking a question, he knew the answer. He just wanted to hear me say it out loud.
“Dinner led to other things,” I admitted.
“Right. So you guys fucked again, hey?”
“Yeah,” I said, draining the bottom of my beer glass and catching the bartender’s eye. I pointed at our beer glasses to order Chance and I another round. When the bartender gave me a thumbs up to acknowledge he understood, I looked back at my friend. “She asked me to spend the night after. I should have seen it coming, but it threw me off a bit. I didn’t know what to say. Staying felt like a dumb move.”
“So you blew her off?”
“Sort of. I told her it wasn’t a good idea, and I left. It was kind of awkward. It surprised her, I think. But she handled it well.” I thought of the way Allie had pulled the covers over her naked lower half. “At least, I think she did. I don’t know.”
“Dude,” Chance said, almost scoffing. “Why would she handle that well? She invited you to dinner, and you agreed to come over. Then you talked and got everything out in the open. You forgave her. Then you fucked her.”
“Yeah,” I said hesitantly, already suspecting the direction Chance was taking the conversation.
“What impression was she supposed to have after that? Of course, she asked you to stay. If I know Allie, which I do, she would have been as bent out of shape as you were the last three months. You were a fucking mess, man. Don’t even try to deny it,” he added when I opened my mouth to object. “You drank more in three months than you’ve consumed in your entire life. I would know, I dragged your ass home four nights a week for the first month. Allie would have been just as devastated. And then, all at once, she thinks those ninety days are behind her. When she lets herself be vulnerable, you shut her down again. Man, sometimes you can be so thick-headed.”
The bartender passed us two full glasses of beer. I stared down at mine as guilt tickled my gut. “Shit,” I said.
“Yeah. Shit,” Chance agreed, polishing off his old beer and reaching for his new one. “Listen. You can do what you want to do. If you don’t want to go all in with Allie, that’s your call. But let’s be real for a minute here. You can’t be friends and fuck her. It’s not going to work. You want more than that, and so does she. And you both deserve more than that. Tonight is the first time in months that you’ve seemed like your old self. Do you think that’s a coincidence?”
“No,” I admitted. “But Andrew—”
“Man, forget Andrew. She buried that for a reason. She obviously doesn’t want him. She was sixteen for fuck’s sake. It was a mistake. You know, a mistake? The thing people make all the time and should be able to put in their rearview mirror? Let her move on. She’s a good person. Correction, she’s an amazing person. She doesn’t need you holding this over her head. Right?”
“Right,” I said, meaning it for the first time since I found out about Andrew and Allie.
“Exactly. Steven, you’ve loved the girl for years. Stop sidelining yourself. Don’t lose her again. You might not get another chance.” He lifted his glass and nodded down at mine, encouraging me to follow suit. I lifted mine, and we tapped them together. “To putting the last three months behind you and getting your head out of your ass,” Chance said.
“Nice toast,” I said, a smile tugging my lips.
“You’d better believe it. Now leave the rest of your beer for me and get the hell out of here. You have a girl to sweep off her feet.”
A short while later, I was standing in front of Allie’s buzzer again. I had a bouquet of white roses in one hand, which, now that I was at her place, I thought might be a bit overkill. But Allie deserved overkill.
I pressed the button and waited. My stomach rolled with nerves. I couldn’t help but worry that I would be too late. Maybe me ditching her the night before had sealed the deal. Maybe she was going to move on and leave me behind. After cutting her out of my life for three months, I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to turn the tables and kick me to the curb.
I swallowed.
I waited for five minutes before I concluded that she probably wasn’t home. I glanced at my watch. It was nearly ten o’clock. Allie wasn’t a party girl. She was usually snuggled in her pink plaid pajamas by this time. The ones that looked so cute on her; the ones with the drawstring in the front that I had always fantasized about untying.
I retreated down the steps and got back into my car. I tossed the roses on the passenger seat and pulled away from the curb, my mind running over the possibilities of where she might be.
I hoped she was at her sister’s house. Sometimes they had old-fashioned girl’s nights where they would make sangria and watch chick flicks. They were few and far between nowadays, what with Melissa working sixty-hour work weeks, but I tried to convince myself that it was possible.
If she wasn’t with Melissa, I hated to think of where she was.
What if she was with another guy? Maybe she had met someone when we weren’t talking. What if after I left her last night, she had called him up looking for comfort?
My grip tightened on the steering wheel. I was such an idiot. Everything had felt right for the first time in ages when I was with Allie last night. The conversation, the laughter, the sex—everything. How could I have thrown it away so easily?
I parked my car in my driveway and walked around the other side to grab the roses. I slammed the door closed, frustrated, and walked up the driveway to my front door. I dug into my pocket for my keys, pulled them out, and accidentally dropped them on the pavement.
“Son of a bitch,” I grumbled, crouching down and picking them up.
When I stood, I looked up the three steps to my door and froze.
Allie was standing there, bundled up in a red knee length coat with gold buttons. She was wearing black leather boots that ended halfway up her thighs. Her cheeks and nose were bright pink from the cold, and she had her chin buried in a furry white scarf around her neck.
“Hi Steven,” she said, burying her hands deep in the pockets of her coat.
“Hi,” I said, climbing the steps and looking down at her. “I didn’t expect this.”
“Me neither. I needed to see you.”
There were so many things I wanted to say to her. All the words were rushing to the front of my brain, but they never made it to my mouth. I stood there like an idiot, staring down at her while I tried to detach my tongue from the roof of my mouth.
I failed. So I reached past her and slid my key into the door. I unlocked it and pushed it open before dropping my keys back in my pocket. Warm air wafted outside. Allie searched my eyes. She was waiting for me.
Come on Steven, fucking do something. Anything. She’s right here.
I reached out slowly and rested my hand against her cheek. She nuzzled her face against my palm and closed her eyes. She was so beautiful.
I leaned in, admiring her lashes as I closed the distance between us, and pressed my lips lightly to hers. She stiffened at first, surprised by my closeness. But then she melted into me, letting me kiss her. Her nose was cold against my cheek.
I pulled away and gestured at my open front door. “Do you want to come in?”
She nodded, her eyes glassy, and I guided her inside with a hand on her lower back. She started unbuttoning her jacket while I closed and locked the door. I helped her pull it off her shoulders and hung it on the coat rack. She was still standing with her back to me. I put my hands on her hips and pulled her against my body. She rested her head back on my shoulder. Her eyes were closed.
The moment felt so calm and so peaceful. Standing there with her, close but not fucking, was something I had never felt before. I was content. Her hips beneath my hands rotated slowly as she turned back to face me. Then she buried her face in my chest and wrapped her arms around my waist.
I hugged her back and rested my chin on top of her head. Her coconut shampoo flooded my senses. She tightened her hold around me. I returned the gentle squeeze and held onto her until she leaned back, tilting her face up to look at me.
I tucked her hair behind her ears and kissed her again. We had never kissed like that before. It was tender and slow. There was no intention behind it besides a burning need to try to show her I loved her. She was right there with me, how I had wanted for so long, and I didn’t want to ever let her go. Not again. Not when everything finally felt right.