I was pretty nervous. Lucky for me, Grant was doing all the talking. If I spoke, I knew that I would have a panic attack. I didn’t think I could handle this. It was a lot to go through, and adrenaline coursed through my veins. I could use a drink. Maybe five. Grant kept talking to my mom, keeping her tamed and away from asking me about life and work and death. The way Grant spoke was reassuring. I didn’t want him to be gone after this weekend. I knew we had so much more than we were accepting.

The chatter rose and I kept spacing out. I was still flustered from before. I had never had a guy that was so good at making me climax. I tried not to think about it too much. When I did, it just reminded me of his line of work. I didn’t want to think about how many women he had been with. I didn’t want to think about why he did what he did. I just wanted to think about him as a person, the hedge fund owner that was wowing my parents.

Tom began approaching our table. My pulse rose, my hands became clammy. I removed them from Grant’s intertwined fingers for the first time since we left the room. “Oh no.” I whispered. Grant looked at him approaching and let out a deep breath. He went back to speaking to my parents, making my mom laugh, and telling her about all the great adventures he had had in Vegas.

I wanted to put on an invisibility shield. I wanted Tom to just leave me alone. He didn’t seem to care or think so. He jogged over to our table and greeted everyone. “April, could I pull you aside for a second?”

“Fine.” I got up and pushed my chair back in. I leaned over to Grant. “I’ll only be a moment. Save me if I am gone for too long.”

“You’ll be fine. Take your time.” I wanted Grant to come with. He could be a body guard for my heart. Tom was just going to toy with me and disappoint me. He seemed to love doing that. I began picking at my fingers, walking behind Tom to a secluded part of the room where it was a bit quieter.

“What?”

“I just wanted to talk to you. I didn’t get to say that much this morning.” He flushed. I knew he knew that I didn’t want to be there, trapped with him in the corner of the room. I had no choice. It was his party. “So, you two seem pretty happy.”

“We are. You seem happy as well.”

“Do I?” This sounded like an actual question, not like the snide remarks that I expected from him.

“Yes. Congratulations. She is gorgeous.”

“Thank you.” There was a lull in the speaking. I kept my arms crossed. It grew awkward, but I had nothing to respond with. I wasn’t the one that asked for the conversation. I didn’t want to be here to begin with. This wasn’t on me. “To be honest, I’m not really sure I want to go through with this.”

I was surprised to hear it. It hurt me. I couldn’t believe him. Did marriage mean nothing? First me, and now that hottie? I didn’t know her, but she seemed like a very nice girl. “Oh? Calling off weddings is too much fun for you?”

“What was that?” He genuinely didn’t hear me.

“I said why do you want to call it off?”

He paused and looked at his bride to be for a bit. “I don’t know if I do want to call it off. I just don’t know if I am ready yet.” This was typical Tom. He could never commit to anything. I saw how confused he was. I felt bad, but I didn’t know how to help him. This was some much deeper issue that I didn’t have enough experience to help with.

“Then you shouldn’t have proposed.”

“Yeah. Well. It was complicated.”

I saw the crack in his perfect life. The foundation to his hard exterior was faltering and I was here to see it crumble. His eyes grew wet. He stopped talking. “What’s going on?” I became more concerned the more his brows furrowed. He was really having a difficult time.

After a second he took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I was pressured into this sort of. Or, at least I feel pressured. I don’t know.”

“Oh. That’s not good. You two seem so happy, though. What’s the problem?” he seemed so in love and ready to marry her when he spammed my timeline with photos and posts about her all the time. It was as if nothing else went on in his life. Just the thrill and excitement of expensive vacations with one of the prettiest girls in California.

“When I asked her to marry me, I did it out of necessity.” He was still hesitant to tell me. What did that mean? Did he feel the same way when he proposed to me? Like I needed it for reassurance? I had actually loved him. When I said yes it was because I had thought about spending the rest of my life with him years before he showed me a ring. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to have to coach him through his wedding after he shattered me before mine.

“What do you mean?”

“She said that she was pregnant.” He dropped the bomb. I didn’t want to hear that. He had always been so careful. I couldn’t imagine him not using protection. Even when I was on the pill he would use it, just in case. He was never ready to be responsible for another person. That was an even bigger commitment than marriage. “I couldn’t have that happen. I loved her enough that I thought it could work, but now she isn’t pregnant anymore. I don’t know if she ever was. But I can’t go back on it, because then our parents will ask. My mom and dad were already furious at me when we….”

“Yeah.” He didn’t have to say anything. I knew. I had loved his parents like they were my own. They treated me like family. I was certain that I was going to become family. They must have felt the same way. I wondered if they liked her as much as they liked me. I wondered if they were just being nice to me. They were such sweet people, Tom could have brought in a homeless person and they would be head over heels for them.

“But you seem to be having such a great time with Grant that I wanted your advice. What keeps you two going? I know it’s probably early in your relationship, but I have to wonder. Are you two doing well?” The way he said it made me feel like he had other motives. He looked at me with hope. It made me even sicker.

I thought about his question. I wanted to help Tom, but at the same time I didn’t want him to feel like he could stomp me until I was a pulp of a person. He had already caused enough emotional damage. I didn’t need to become his relationship therapist for this one. And I didn’t want to become his rebound. I didn’t want him anymore.

“Love.” I said. I stopped picking my fingers.

“Genuine, unfaltering love. He and I may have difficult times, sure. But even when we fight, we keep what’s important in our thoughts. We just want to be happy with each other, no matter what it takes. I have never felt such a powerful amount of emotion for one person. I am in love like never before.” I could see the daggers I threw at him cut him.

“When we make decisions, we know that it is because we want to, and not because we feel like we have to. We love each other.”

I looked over to Grant. He was still chatting with my mom, making her and my father laugh. I wasn’t in love, not yet. But I could see myself falling for him. I looked back at Tom, the person I used to love. I knew all his strengths and weaknesses. I had been with him through thick and thin. When I looked at him now I didn’t feel anything. When I looked at Grant, I could feel sparks.

“I don’t know if she and I have that.”

“You better find out soon. It’s about to become legally recognized.” I did have some pity on him. It would be hard to be stuck in a relationship without love. It would be hard to be stuck in a relationship period. Without love, he would become bitter and either have to get a divorce or stay unhappily married if he waited too long.

“You guys do so many fun things, though. I wouldn’t have guessed you weren’t happy. Your Instagram streams are flooded with smiles and what seems like exotic vacations. How do you know it isn’t just cold feet?”

“I don’t know that. But there are a lot of issues, too. Those have been there for a while.”

“Well, I’m not a therapist. But if you want help, there are people out there that can help you.” The party began, and people at the front started giving speeches for the two of them. Tom listened intently. I looked for his fiancée. She was sitting at the front, looking for Tom. “You should go stand by her at least.” I said.

“I’m fine back here.” He still listened. A lot of her friends spoke, saying that they couldn’t have asked for a better guy for the bride. He would clap and laugh when appropriate, but I could see the pain in his eyes. This was one battle that I didn’t have to help him through.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Grant get up. He came over to us and said hi to Tom. Tom said hi back and went back to listening to the speeches, but he watched us out of his peripherals. Grant smiled at me.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. I looked into his eyes. I saw a man. More man than Tom. I saw someone who wanted to make others happy. I saw someone who did things for other people not because he had to, but because he wanted to. I saw someone that I wanted to keep seeing over and over again.

He was being very understanding about Tom. I appreciated that so much. He no longer actually needed to be here with me, but he chose to. It was nice to have someone with me to fight this battle. I was lucky that it was Grant. He noticed me staring and smiled back.

“Hey.” He said, again.

“Hi.” I repeated. I was falling for him. How could I not fall for him? He was kind, dashing, and he had already won over my parents. This was the easiest relationship I had ever been in. I wanted it to last. I wanted to rub my happiness in Tom’s face.

Grant excused us and we went back to the table. He ordered a couple drinks, sensing that me talking to Tom wasn’t what I had wanted to do. He asked me multiple times to make sure I was okay. I was. I felt better for sticking it to Tom. I felt better that his life wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. It made me feel less awful about mine. It gave me hope. Maybe everyone was going through pretty shitty times. It didn’t just have to be me.

All of the bride’s family and friends were beautiful too. They were the majority of the people who spoke that night. I recognized a few of Tom’s friends, but most of these people were strangers to me. It seemed like he had started a new life with her, and had a clean slate after me.

I grabbed Grant’s hand and then excused us again from the table. The party wasn’t over, but I was done with it. I pulled him back to the room.