“I’ll just have the water, thanks.” We sat at a table by the windows. It was a gorgeous night out. All the beautiful people were out walking, enjoying the sunshine and shopping. I envied them. One day I would have a life style that was hopefully close to theirs. I wanted to be able to write, for fun and for work. I wanted to have a nice condo or house. I wanted to have enough money to buy a meal.

“No, we will each have a glass of Moscato.” Travis handed the menu back. This guaranteed that I was only going to have a salad. “Alex told me that this place has the best white wines.”

“How is it going with Alex?”

“Best sex I have ever had.” That was enough in Travis’ book to be marriage material. He was practically a sex addict. He didn’t let it take over his life, just drive the motivation for it. “How is your freelancing going?”

“Not great. I’ve been broke for God knows how long.”

“Two months.”

“Two months. I am thinking about giving it up and looking for other work.”

“Ooh, like what? Stripping?”

“Not with this muffin top.”

“Where are you going to work, then?”

I took a large drink of wine. It was almost like a juice. “I was thinking maybe doing something more mainstream. I sent my resume out to a few administrative assistant positions. I did some secretary work at USD so hopefully that is enough experience to get me into one of them.”

“Have you heard back from any of them?”

The waitress brought our food out. “Not yet.” My life was sadder on paper than it felt. I was sitting across from a great guy that maybe if he weren’t gay, I would date him. Too bad for me, he already had a boy toy.

“Well, you have to keep at it. Persistence is key. I don’t do acting full time. It hardly pays the bills.”

“You’ll make it soon. You’re getting a ton of work.”

“Yeah, it’s going well right now, but it hasn’t always been this way. That’s why I still work as a hostess. Someday I won’t have to show people their tables; I’ll just be able to become characters.”

“You’ll make it soon.”

“You just said that.” We ate the dinner and I was stuffed afterwards. Travis insisted we get dessert, but I couldn’t fit another bite in me. We went back out and walked around the plaza area.

“So how about this wedding thing?”

“And just when I got it off my mind.”

“Sorry. I just don’t want you to show up empty handed. You’re walking now, that’s the first step. We can get you hot before then. You can’t show up empty handed.”

“I know.”

“You’ll be a laughing stock.”

“I know.”

“You’ll look pathetic.”

“I know.”

“They will all feel so bad for you.”

“Hey, yeah. I get it.”

“So how is the dating situation going to work?” Travis and I walked into one of the boutiques. He looked at all the shoes, showing me several pairs he thought would look great on me.

“Well, still single. My closest male friend is a gay guy that Tom would know I’m not dating.”

I tried on a few of the heels. I was happy that they didn’t break under my weight.

“We can’t all have ourselves so figured out. And it’s not like I have many lady friends to choose from either. Maybe I should just fake sick and stay home.”

“They will feel even worse for you.”

“It’s better than facing them.”

“That’s too bad.” Travis’ hand breezed over some fabric. “Just when I had an idea.”

“Oh?” I was beginning to get excited. I could see some of these dresses being perfect for the wedding, the empire waist slimming down my stomach and pumping up my boobs.

“And don’t get mad about this.”

“Uh-oh.”

“So Alex has this friend.”

“Okay.”

“And I think he could be a great solution.”

“Get to the point. Who is he?”

“Have you ever heard of an escort?”

“Oh my god.”

“Hear me out.”

“No.”

“He is really hunky.”

“No.”

“And he could probably get you a discount.”

“Oh my god no.” Is this what I had become? Unable to get a date for myself and having to pay for a man to spend a weekend with me? Curling up into my bed forever had never been more appealing, not even when I was bed ridden. “I would rather die.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“What if they knew him?”

“Then you would know that they pay for sex and you would have a leg up on them.” Travis handed me a few dresses. I wanted to throw them all at him. I wanted to hide in the racks like I was a kid again. When was my life going to stop going down hill?

Maybe a therapist could help me with all of these things. Travis was great to talk to. He always comforted me and told me the truth. He wouldn’t sugar coat things, he knew that that was what I needed to hear. I had enough time being coddled by my friends in the hospital. He was the one that kept me realistic and reminded me that things would get better, even if they kept getting worse. That didn’t mean I didn’t hate him when he was telling me the truth.

“That would make me want to die. I want to die. Kill me.”

“Shut up, April. Try this on. It’s your color.”

It was my color. It made me look slim. Maybe if I kept my hair down and contoured a lot I could look like I used to.

“Is he hot?”

“He gets paid to have sex. I would hope so.”

“I would too.”

“Do I hear you considering this idea?” Travis sang from outside the dressing room.

“Definitely not.” He tossed a few more dresses over, I could already rule out a few of them. “These are all too low cut.”

“Show off your new boobs.”

“That’s a bit trashy.”

“No it isn’t. But it will make him upset he didn’t stick around for them.” He slid some shoes under the door. “We have to get you a makeover. You’ll need a push-up bra or two.”

We walked back home, twenty minutes there. We passed several beautiful people and too many of them were couples, holding hands. For too long I believed in true love. I wanted to play red rover and run through their locked fingers. I was already old and cynical but only twenty-seven. I was going to age fast and become a very bitter lonely old lady. I wish I liked cats. Then I would have something to love. Now I was just a failure of a freelancer and even bigger failure of a writer. My professors all said I had promise, but I didn’t see any of that.

When Travis and I got back we popped in a movie. I couldn’t pay attention to it, too much was going through my mind. It was getting harder and harder to find joy in simple daily things. I couldn’t even watch a movie without it reminding me of all the stresses in my life. Travis kept drinking wine and steadily became very tipsy. Eventually he passed out on the couch. I wish I had a bottle of wine. I wish I could fall asleep like a rock.

I checked my email again. No new messages. I looked online for job postings. Maybe I could just work at McDonalds to pay the bills. Once I made actual money I could get a liposuction or maybe buy diet pills that actually worked.