I don’t know whether it’s from lack of sleep and general exhaustion, but I suddenly break down sobbing. This is the first time I’ve cried like that since our actual breakup. I feel like I’ve been holding it all in for so long and now it’s finally out.

“No, I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper to myself through the tears.

An hour passes. My tears dry up. I open a textbook to try to get some studying in before finals next week. A knock at the door breaks my concentration.

“Can I come in?” Tristan asks.

“No.” I shake my head. “I’m busy.”

He sits down next to me anyway. Takes my hand. I try to push him away, but he doesn’t let me. I look into his eyes. There’s a hint of hope and a whole lot of regret in them.

Tristan leans towards me and takes away my books. He drops everything on the floor. I let him.

He leans closer to me. Presses his soft lips onto mine. Breathes me in. As we kiss, his hands start to slide down my body. Eventually, they find where my sweater ends. He finds his way underneath. With one swift motion, I’m on my back and he’s laying halfway across me. This feels so good. I can’t stop him even if I wanted to. He traces the curves of my hips and pulls on the strings of my pajama pants. He pulls my pants down a bit, until my hipbones are exposed. Then he pulls away from my mouth and kisses my hips. One. Then another. His fingers tease my belly button. I sigh, close my eyes and let it all happen. Tristan’s always been an expert with his hands and lips.

My body rises and falls with each kiss. Slowly, I pull off my shirt and take off his. He unbuckles his pants. I drop my bra to the floor. He wiggles out of his pants. Helps me out of mine.

“I’ve missed this, Alice,” he says in my ear.

I love the way he says my name. I’ve missed this too. Laying naked next to him with our bodies intertwined, I feel at home. Like I’ve never belonged with anyone else. His breath matches mine. Our hearts beating at the same pace.

He climbs on top of me, draping me with his whole body. I’m in a cocoon. I’m safe. I grab onto his shoulders for leverage. His muscles are hard and strong, but the skin is as soft as silk. We move in unison. We moan in unison. And when it comes, I look into his eyes and see stars.

* * *

“Well, that was good,” Tristan says, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and snuggling next to me. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you,” I whisper.

When we were together, we started a quirky tradition of thanking each other after sex, if we were both left satisfied. I’d completely forgotten about it until he said those words. They make me smile. We lay in bed for sometime as darkness starts to fall. It’s not even 5 pm, but twilight comes quickly especially on rainy and cloudy days. I know that Juliet will be getting back soon, so I start to get dressed.

“I’ve missed you, Alice,” Tristan says, propping up his head with his hand.

“I’ve missed you too,” I say, tossing him his underwear and jeans. “Juliet will be home soon.”

When we are both dressed, I remake the bed.

“I want you back, Alice,” Tristan says.

I’ve been wanting to hear those words a long time. Since the summer. But now that I’m actually hearing them, I don’t feel the way I had thought I would. Making love was wonderful, but I don’t want him back. We shared a good moment, but maybe that is all it’s supposed to be.

“No, I can’t Tristan,” I turn to him.

This is not what he had expected to hear. I see the fire and hope in his eyes disappear. Disappointment sets in.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“Tristan, this was nice. Really nice.”

“Nice? Are you crazy? This was amazing.”

“Okay, yes, it was.” I give him that. “But I don’t think it’s right for us to get back together. Not now.”

“Not now?” he asks. I see that I’ve given him hope. That’s not what I meant to do.

“Not ever,” I say definitively.

“Why?” Tristan asks. He puts his arms around me, but I push him away.

I don’t know why. It doesn’t feel right. I try to figure out why.

“You’re in a tough spot now, Tristan. I get it. And I’ll be there for you as a friend. A really really good friend. But you just want to get together because you’re lonely or anxious about the future. You don’t have to be, I’m here for you. But I can’t be your girlfriend again just because you’re going through a tough time.”

Disappointed, he walks away. But stops at the door.

“I don’t want to be with you because of the money. It has nothing to do with that. You asked me why I came to the cabin. It was because I was worried about you with Simon, but that wasn’t all of it. And I didn’t come up because Tea and I broke up. I came to see you because I missed you. And I want you back. I made a mistake, Alice.”

I nod. Take a breath. But I don’t go to him.

“Alice, I was a real jerk. I shouldn’t have ever broken up with you. There was nothing wrong with us. I just did it because I didn’t think that we should be so serious in college. I thought we were too happy. Like it couldn’t possibly last because we were too happy. I was so stupid, Alice. Childish. I wanted to date other people. But when it came right to it, I couldn’t. Not really.”

“Thank you,” I say after a while. “I understand now.”

I am grateful for the explanation. I didn’t know it, but I’ve waited for the truth about why we broke up for a long time. And now, it was out there. I had closure.

He’s waiting for me to come to him. To forgive him and say that I love him and that everything’s going to be okay. His arms are to his sides. He’s shown me all of his cards. I know that he’s telling the truth. But something’s holding me back.

“I love you, Alice,” he says. It’s his last attempt.

“I love you too,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry. But I just can’t.”

Tears cloud my eyes. One large one breaks free and rolls down my cheek. My throat aches from sorrow.