Why do I have a body to take care of? I can’t afford the food it needs to survive or the gym equipment it takes to make it look decent. Lucky for me, Travis has one of those deluxe gym packages, which means he gets to bring one friend with him. Normally he just texts me pictures of all the hotties working out here, but now I was going to be able to feast my eyes while fasting my body.

I wasn’t very excited about being so lonely I had to hire a prostitute as a date. I couldn’t help the present circumstances, and I didn’t want to be cut off from my family. At least I could feel better about my body if I was the one that was shaping it. Travis showed me his routine, which was something impossible for my body to endure. Instead he wrote down a light workout for me, since this was my first time.

“So this is what I have to do this week?” The paper was front and back, and there were some terms on here that I didn’t understand. I would need to get drawings too. Maybe a diagram.

“That’s for today.”

“Are you trying to kill me so you can use my room as a closet?”

“You know how I feel about closets. If I liked them, I wouldn’t have come out of the one I was in.” I was unable to laugh looking at this impossible list of deeds. I wouldn’t have been this worried if he had handed me a ransom note and my mom’s pinky toe.

“So how much of this is English?”

“Oh! Hold that thought. I just saw a hunk walk into the sauna.” Travis left me. I figured I might as well start with what I knew. I hopped on the elliptical and searched my phone for games to use. Maybe this would be a good time to get acquainted with my most expensive date.

Hi. Is this Grant? I texted.

I started kicking forward. For whatever reason I felt more awkward now talking to him than I had ever felt talking to a crush or boyfriend. Maybe it was because we were strangers or maybe it was my brain screaming at me for dating a hooker. In high school I was voted most likely to succeed, and if I told this story at my next reunion I doubted I would live it down.

Yep. Who is this? He wrote back almost immediately. April. Travis gave me your number. I’m the girl looking for a wedding.

Ah, yes. Hello, April. Tell me about yourself. He wrote.

I huffed as I ran. My eye stayed glued to my phone screen. I didn’t want any of these people to look at me. What they saw was a fat girl trying to get into shape but what was really happening was a broke fat girl trying to get hot for a fiancé who had dumped her and hiring an escort to make him jealous. As if I couldn’t go any lower in the public’s eyes.

Can we can do that when we meet in person?

Of course.

Where do sex workers do business? A coffee shop like normal people? Maybe a bar? I should probably just treat this like a date. Our first date of few to follow.

Where do you live? He texted.

I finished a mile. Only a billion more to go. The calorie burning count wasn’t nearly as high as I felt it should be. This was going to be a lot more work than I intended.

Pasadena, I texted.

I’m from Vegas. The city of sin.

Go figure, I thought.

That’s a little far away, I wrote.

But I’m in Santa Monica right now for a few days. On business.

My heart started to thump and all the blood drained from my face. Oh my God. This is actually becoming real. And then suddenly, something occurred to me. What if I had to pay for his travel expenses. Shit.

I can’t really afford to pay you anything beyond the date, I texted.

No worries. Just meet me in Santa Monica and don’t worry about any billing.

I kept running and had a new found motivation. I wanted to be at a point in my life where I didn’t have to hire someone to hang out with me. I wanted to be able to sit at a restaurant with a man that wasn’t gay who genuinely found me attractive and funny. Maybe I would have to give it up and become homosexual myself, but until we got to that bridge my biggest hope was to date excellence and shove it in Tom’s face. My phone vibrated again.

How about surfing? He texted.

It’s okay, I guess, I wrote. I didn’t really have any opinions about it one way or another.

No, I mean, do you want to go surfing?

My heart skipped a beat. Of course I didn’t want to go surfing. Not with this body. Everyone would think I was a beached whale and try to roll me back in the ocean. Maybe I would actually prefer that. I really didn’t want to go out though. I only had bikinis from the thinner days.

I don’t think that’s the best idea, I wrote desperately trying to come up with a plausible explanation as to why not that was not the truth.

I have an allergic reaction to salt water, I finally texted. Is salt water allergy even a real thing?

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it makes me all red and puffy, I added.

Great. Now I looked like a big nerd too. There should be an app that texts for you or at least prevents you from being incredibly awkward and off putting.

It’s a skin condition, I explained further even though any explanation would’ve been enough.

How long had it been since I had a first date? I couldn’t remember the last time I was single and in the dating pool. I was so young; it was just before college. I wasted all my years with Tom, and so now I have no experience. How do you flirt? Does he pay if he is my hooker? Do they have discount cards? I was already going to have to pay 200 dollars a night for a few days. This wedding was the lowest I would be. I should just call my mom and ask her if she would rather me come to the wedding with a hooker as my date or if she would rather me not go at all. Which would really be more embarrassing for her?

I entertained the idea of calling it all off again. I couldn’t stand the idea of everyone seeing me flounder. I didn’t want college to be when I piqued. I didn’t want to pique. I wanted to have a successful job, or just a job in general. I wanted to be able to walk into that reception and show everyone that I kept the boobs and butt but slimmed down my stomach. I wanted to wear a dress that gave Tom a boner and made him wonder why he ever dumped me. Who dumps a car crash victim? Losers who lose great girlfriends.

I felt sort of bad for hating Tom’s new fiancée. She might have been nice and maybe she didn’t mean to murder my heart. Maybe she didn’t know she was a home-wrecker until they were into each other. The thought made me sad. What didn’t I have that she had? Other than a job and a body. I had more time with him than her. That should have been enough to secure our relationship for life. I stopped feeling bad for her. She was the reason I was single. She was the reason I had to hire someone to go to her dumb wedding. I would be nice to her, but I would not like her. My mom couldn’t even make me do that.

Thinking about all this pushed me faster and farther on the elliptical. I was running at a very fast pace and my heart rate monitor was skyrocketing. Maybe I could do this every day. I did the math in my head. If I ran 5 miles every day I would lose about a pound each week. There wasn’t enough time to get me back to my start body, but it wasn’t too late to give some effort. I would have to eat healthy and go on a huge diet. This was going to be the turning point. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more asking for pity. I would go out there, find a job, a boyfriend, and I would get hot. This would be a new and improved April. Positive thoughts only.

So, how about lunch at one? Grant texted.

I waited and thought out my text before I replied to him. I switched to a weight machine and worked my abs. How many crunches would it take to get me a hot body by the time I have to go on this date?

It was currently 10 AM. I had enough time to finish this work out, spruce up, and get over to Santa Monica in time for a lunch date. I was glad I still had enough make up. I would have to contour the shit out of my face before I saw this man. I’m sure he already thought I was probably hideous. What 27-year-old needs to hire someone as a date? This 27-year-old. I flipped through a Cosmo as I waited for Travis to be done. I needed flirting and dating tips to really rub it in Tom’s face. He would fall for the facade of my new glamorous life. If I tried hard enough maybe I would too.

Sounds good, I finally texted back.