I meet Ben Garett for lunch. He’s my oldest and dearest friend. We have been friends since I was 13 and he was 12 and we met on the set of Roseanne, a popular 90’s sitcom. He had one line, and I was an extra. That was one of my first real jobs, and I was a nervous wreck. Ben was experienced. He had been going to auditions and getting gigs in television shows for a few years by then. I remember how intimidated I was when I first talked to him, and how fun and down-to-earth he was. It made all the difference. Luckily, neither of us had any success in Hollywood as young kids, so we’re not as messed up as many of those child stars tend to be. Ben’s breakout role came when he was 18 in Tequila Sunrise, where he played a young doctor fighting the cholera epidemic. He was nominated for a Golden Globe and an Academy Award. I remember going to the award shows and saying a prayer for him to win. Unfortunately, he didn’t. Both awards went to Anthony Hopkins that year. Hell of a guy to lose to, though, isn’t he? It’s like losing to Meryl Streep. What can you really say? Try again next year?

“How’s it going?” Ben gives me a hug and we both order our drinks. “Why are we meeting in North Hollywood again?”

“I’m shooting a movie right around here, and I only have an hour. Was there a lot of traffic?”

“Eh, no more than usual.”

“I’m actually loving how out of the way North Hollywood is, apparently, for the paparazzi.”

“I know, they don’t want to make the commute,” he jokes. Ben and I have both come a long way since our days as sitcom extras. We both grew into our faces and bodies. Ben has recently been offered a very lucrative role as Marvel superhero (can’t really say which one) in their upcoming movie. He’s getting a lot on the back-end from it. That’s really smart, since it’s projected to break a lot of records.

“How’s Jasmine? The kids?” I ask. Unlike me, who can’t seem to hold on to a girlfriend for longer than a few months, Ben met Jasmine when he was 21 and married her at 22. I was the best man, and those two have been happily married for almost eight years. They have three kids and one more on the way.

“Great. This pregnancy is going really well, actually.”

I grab a piece of bread from the breadbasket and lather it with butter. I laugh and shake my head.

“What?” he asks.

“I still can’t believe that you’re going to have four kids soon. That’s crazy, Ben.”

“I know, I find that difficult to believe myself sometimes,” he smiles. “But kids are great. You’re really missing out. They’re so fun. Always wanting to play. They really keep me grounded.”

“Yeah I know. I’ve met your kids,” I say. “They’re amazing. But you know, I’ve met other people’s kids too. And, frankly, they leave a lot to be desired.”

“Oh c’mon.”

“C’mon yourself. Most people have nightmares about kids. They’re loud and obnoxious. You and Jasmine lucked out. Big time.”

Our food arrives just in time. I notice that Ben isn’t eating any bread and didn’t order any carbs.

“Strict diet?” I ask. He nods.

“Pretty much. They have me working with a personal trainer for two hours a day to gain twenty pounds of muscle. He put me on a strict no dairy, no sugar, no simple carbohydrates diet.”

“How’s it going?” I ask. I don’t need him to answer. The sullen look on his face tells me everything.

“Well, you’re going to look amazing,” I say. “At least, you’ll have that. I’m sure you’ll get the cover of Men’s Health and whatever else you want.”

“Do you remember how scrawny and tall we both were as kids?” he asks, biting into his salad.

“Oh my God. Don’t even remind me. We were all arms and legs.”

Growing up, Ben and I both had the same problem. We couldn’t gain weight to save our lives. Weight or muscles.

“I shot up like five inches in one summer,” I say. “All of my joints physically ached for months.”

“I know, me too,” he nods.

“I don’t know how we ever got girls back then.”

“Well, I didn’t. You did, but I never did,” Ben laughs.

“Oh c’mon, you got some,” I say, trying to remember at least one girl who Ben dated before Jasmine.

“I had a couple of girlfriends, but that was it. That’s why when I met Jasmine and she was actually into me, I held on for dear life.”

We both laugh.

“Let me just tell you one thing,” I say. “You know I love Jasmine. But if you were single now, you’d have your pick of the litter.”

He shakes his head.

“I’m serious. If you didn’t have such a happy marriage and boring life, you’d be all over the celeb magazines. You’re it. And who knows, maybe after this movie, you’ll even land the cover of Sexiest Man Alive.”

“Oh, wow, that would be a hoot,” Ben says. Even though he’s an amazing actor and is quite good at playing a cocky bastard, he’s never really had much confidence in himself. Even now, he acts like he agrees with me, but I have my doubts.

“So, what about you?” Ben asks. Suddenly, his face gets very serious. I know he’s going to mention Ariel.

“What about me?” I act like nothing’s going on.

“How are things? I mean, I saw the magazines. Is there any truth to that?”

There usually isn’t. It’s amazing how much stuff they publish that’s total crap. Utter made up shit. But in this case, they’re right.

“Eh, we’re over. She moved in with Kingsolver.”

I hate the fact that my ex’s new boyfriend shares a first name with my best friend.

“Wow, already?” Ben is taken aback.

“Apparently, it has been going on for some time,” I say. I pause for a little. I don’t mean to stop talking for so long, but somehow the silence gets the best of me. I get lost in its solitude. “But hey, it was probably a mistake the whole time. I’m not really meant to be in a relationship, right?” I finally say.

“No, that’s not true. Of course, you are.”

“Listen, we can’t all be as lucky as you and Jasmine,” I say. I change the tone of my voice to try to lighten the mood. “Maybe, I’m just meant to be single. And that’s okay. Being single is fun.”

“I know that Jasmine and I are really lucky. And that’s why I want you to experience what I have so much. Of course, you can have the same thing with someone special. You just have to find the right girl. And you know, it’s not absolutely necessary that she be a model or an actress.”

I smile.

“No, I’m serious. There are plenty of gorgeous everyday girls out there. The benefit of dating one of those girls is that she’s not also in the business. She doesn’t have her own insane celebrity career to contend with.”

I know what he’s getting at. He has talked about this many times before. Jasmine’s father was the President of NBC, but she never wanted to be an actress. Instead, her passion has always been jewelry. A year after they got married, she finally started designing jewelry, and now her designs can be found in a number of Nordstrom’s and Saks Fifth Avenue stores around the country.

“You know, I’m not as shallow as you think,” I say. “I don’t just date models and actresses because they’re hot or the only thing I think about is looks. I don’t even know how to begin to date someone who’s just a regular person. I mean, where would I meet her? And whenever I do meet regular girls, they just see me entirely as the characters I’ve played. They even call me by their names. Do you know how much of a turn off that is?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s hard,” Ben says. “But still, you should give it a try.”

I shrug. “Okay, I’ll try.”

We both pass on the dessert, but Ben insists on getting the check. We usually alternate, but this time he insists, because I’m currently working and not getting paid.

“Are you serious?” I ask. “Do you know how much money I made for my last movie?”

“I’ve see the magazines. I have some idea. But who knows? Maybe you spent it all.”

“You’re an asshole,” I say.

“Okay, so just let me get this, and you’ll get the next one.”

“I’m going to get the next one even if we go out with Jasmine and your carload of kids. I’m paying for everyone,” I say.

“Oh that will be great. You know, the only time I really notice how many kids we actually have is when we go out to dinner with them and the check comes. If this project is successful, I’m going to have to do a lot of sequels to pay for all their crap.”