Stephanie doesn’t know how to sail, but none of them do. What she does know is how to be impressed with my sailboat and my sailing abilities. We don’t go out too far, just around the harbor, not far from Marina del Rey, but it’s enough to get Stephanie’s panties wet. She has had herself draped around my neck for close to an hour now, acting very impressed with everything as I let her steer. Stephanie is my perfect date. She’s blonde, tan, vapid and polished. She knows almost every beauty product at Sephora and how to expertly use it, and she knows barely anything else about anything else.

Stephanie is from Orange County. And though I usually don’t like to date girls that far away – the commute is awful – Stephanie loves driving the new Beamer, she got as her college graduation present from her daddy, and she is always game to party. As much as I wish it were, today is not a Netflix and chill kind of night. It’s not a hookup. Stephanie is my date. I’m having dinner with my younger brother and his girlfriend. They have something very important to tell me, and apparently, it can’t be done over the phone.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my brother. Liam is a great guy, but we’re completely different. Liam loves the nine to five lifestyle, which in his profession is more like the nine to seven grind. After college, whilst I bummed around, backpacked through Central America and Europe and started my company, he went to law school and focused on getting the right internships. Liam has always been very career-oriented, rather than entrepreneurial, and that’s what makes my dad get him more. My father isn’t someone who really understands my lifestyle. He knows that I no longer need to work, but he doesn’t really get why I don’t. Liam and my dad are two peas in a pod. Honestly, I think Liam would probably say no to all my money if that meant that he still had a job.

As you can probably guess, when I hang out with Liam, I need a buffer. That’s where Stephanie comes in. His girlfriend, Kora, is an okay buffer, but I’ve known her for so long that she’s practically family now. Liam met Kora in Oberlin, the small liberal arts college in Ohio where he studied Economics. After graduation, he took an internship at Citibank in New York City, until he realized that he didn’t want to go into finance after all. He switched to law, which my father had been harping on him to pursue for years. He’s been singing the same song to me, but I was wise to ignore him even after I grew up. But Liam’s a natural. He graduated from University of Michigan and then came back to the LA area to practice law. Kora followed him all around the country. She completed her Master’s degree in Education and supported them working as a middle school teacher while he was in law school. Now, he supports her. They’re a nice couple, really. I don’t have anything against them. Except that we have hardly anything in common.

I look down at my Omega watch. We have half an hour before we have to be at the restaurant. I guide Stephanie’s hands as we pull into the slip.

“We’re back,” I whisper into her ear. She giggles and flashes me a smile of her pearly whites.

“What should we do now?” she asks. Suddenly, she’s acting shy. All this time on the water, she was flirting like hell. Okay, I’ll bite, I decide.

“I can think of a few things,” I say, wrapping my arms around her. She’s standing in front of me, with her back to me. I push away her windblown hair and kiss her neck. Little goosebumps run up her spine. I feel them with my tongue. She tilts her head back and moans a little. I run my tongue from her earlobes to her collarbone. Then I flip her around and press my lips onto hers. She responds right away, forcing her tongue into my mouth. I pull her toward the cabin, taking extra precautions to make sure that she doesn’t bump her head. I have learned that injuries are not romantic, no matter what all those romantic comedies try to tell you. I push Stephanie onto the bed. When I don’t climb on top of her immediately, she pulls on my shirt. This is going to be a good night. Even if everything else tonight goes wrong, this is going to be so right.

After we are both more than satisfied, we get dressed and get off the boat. We took a little longer than I thought, so I hurry Stephanie along. She ends up re-applying her lipstick and blush as we walk to the restaurant in the harbor. Women’s ability to multi-task never ceases to amaze me.

Stephanie is wearing a designer black dress with spaghetti straps. It’s so short, if she bends over I’ll see the lower part of her perfectly toned butt cheeks. Stephanie is a yoga enthusiast with a body to match. For a moment, I hesitate. I want to go back to the boat and tear that dress off her again. Then I spot Liam and Kora somewhere in the back of the restaurant. It’s too late. I wave hello.

Unlike Stephanie, who isn’t afraid of the self-tanner, Kora is so pale that she looks ill. Her jet-black hair is cut short, and she’s wearing hardly any makeup. She has nice bone structure and a pretty enough face, but a little bit of makeup would go a long way to making her look beautiful. My brother is no different really. He has the same cheap haircut and is wearing a crumpled old suit. He doesn’t care about fashion one bit and only wears suits because they’re required for his line of work. He doesn’t seem to know that there are new lines of suits coming out each season and has worn the same two suits since law school.

“Hey there!” Liam gets up and gives me a warm hug. After giving Kora a kiss on the cheek, I introduce Stephanie and we all sit down.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Stephanie,” Liam says, glaring at me. “I wish my brother had told us that you were coming.”

I smile. What he really means is that he wishes that I had told him so that he could tell me to not bring her. Well, she’s here for me. Not you.

“Nice to meet you too,” Stephanie says in a high, peppy voice, completely oblivious to Liam’s half-assed compliment.

Liam and I each order a scotch and Stephanie and Kora order lemon drops. We make small talk about the weather and the traffic – usual LA stuff – before I finally broach the subject of why I’m here. I’ve waited long enough for them to bring it up.

“Not that I don’t love catching up with you two,” I say finishing my scotch. I motion to the waitress to bring me another. Alcohol is pretty much essential if I have to spend time with my family.

“But what’s the big news already? I’m dying to know.”

“Well, the big news is that…” Liam looks at Kora. Her eyes light up and she sticks out her left hand.

“We’re engaged!” They say simultaneously.

“Oh my God! Congratulations!” Stephanie gets so excited that she spills her drink putting it back onto the table, before grabbing Kora’s hand.

“Oh my, this is beautiful. Two carats?” she asks.

“Two and a half,” Kora smiles.

“Holy shit!” Stephanie yells. She isn’t a girl with much of a filter, but the expression on Kora’s face says that she couldn’t be happier with Stephanie’s exuberance.

“He did really good. You did really good, Liam!” Stephanie says approvingly. “And the diamonds on the sides, nice touch!”

“Logan?” Liam turns to me. Stephanie has ushered in the kind of level of excitement that I can never match. At least, not about this.

“Wow, congratulations!” I say as peppy as I can. Apparently, it works because Liam smiles.

“How long have you two been together?” Stephanie asks.

“A long time. Seven years,” Kora says. Kora’s been trying to get Liam to marry her since they have graduated from college. Honestly, I’m shocked that it took Liam that long to keep her at bay.

“Wow, that’s a long time,” Stephanie says. “I say you really deserve something more than two carats for waiting so long. Why did it take you so long to ask this gorgeous girl to marry you?”

Wow, Stephanie really doesn’t have a filter. I’m actually starting to enjoy this. I turn to Liam and watch him squirm.

“Yeah, Liam, why did it take you so long?” Kora joins in on the fun.

“You know why. Because I was in law school. And then I just started working. There were a lot of things to figure out.”

“Well, I’m glad you finally figured them out,” Stephanie announces as if she has known Kora her whole life.

“Hey, why is everyone interrogating me? I’m only 27. Logan there is 30 and has never had a relationship that lasted longer than two months.”

“Ah! Is that true?” Stephanie gasps dramatically.

“My therapist says I have commitment issues,” I say. I don’t have a therapist, but I’ve noticed that people like the sound of that. Like I’m admitting that I have a problem, and I’m trying to resolve it. It makes me sound like a good guy.

“Well, at least, you’re working on it,” Stephanie says with a sigh.

“Man, I can’t win, can I?” Liam jokes and we all chuckle.

“I think you’ve already won,” I say raising my glass. “I’d like to make a toast to you, Liam and Kora. Despite all the jokes, I know that you two have loved each other for a very long time. You have been through it all together, and now you’re finally coming together and making it official. I couldn’t be prouder of you as my little brother. And I couldn’t be happier to welcome you, Kora, into our family as my future sister. Here’s to you!”

Liam’s eyes get a little misty and Kora cries outright. Even Stephanie tears up. I don’t really mean a word of what I said, but those were nice words, huh? I like Kora okay, but I think she can do better than my brother. He works too hard and doesn’t do anything for fun. Everything is such serious business with that guy. He’s got way too many hang-ups and anxieties, and now poor Kora will have to put up with them for as long as they live. Or as long as they stay married. But I couldn’t very well say any of that. I’m not that much of an asshole.