Breakups must’ve been a lot easier before social media, I thought while scrolling through my Instagram account. Back then, if you broke up with someone you probably didn’t hear from them again, unless you so happened to bump into them. Even better, you could move to another city and never have to worry about that either. But now, everything was thrown in your face. And even if you weren’t following that person’s account online you know that someone, somewhere, would somehow like or comment on a photo and it would make its way back to you. Because that’s just how social media worked. It was constantly in your face – every day and every night.

It didn’t help that I was in the social media business too which made me feel as if there was no escaping it. Not that I’d tried very hard though. I had not even tried to unfollow Justin. Instead I had done the complete opposite and become completely obsessed with following his accounts. I switched from Instagram to Facebook to Twitter – back and forth, back and forth – until I cried out in frustration and then did it all again. I don’t know why I was torturing myself.

* * *

Justin wasn’t even trying to hide anything from me which felt like a complete slap in the face. It seemed as if he had no trouble hiding things from me in the past – but now that I had discovered that he was a lying cheating scumbag, well now he just laid it all out for everyone to see. The photos were nauseating. Each one showing him with his arm wrapped around Amy – posing in front of their new house and doing things that made me want to gag. Here we are in our new house. I’m trying to get the garden to look as pretty as Amy. But I don’t think anything could be as pretty as her – read the caption at the bottom of a photo in which Justin was mowing the lawn while Amy was pretending to be a flower in the grass. You’re such a cute couple. Awww, how lovely. Amy is gorgeous. So happy for you Justin – words written by people that I thought had been my friend. There was only one that made me smile. A message by Danielle, my roommate and new best friend. It read: Soon, you’ll get bored of that flower and she’ll become a weed to you. Enjoy your sad and pathetic new life you idiot. I liked that one. I took a screenshot of it and saved it to my favorites.

I wondered if I’d ever be able to trust someone again. After all, I had put all my faith in Justin and he had thrown that faith onto the ground and squished it flat with his giant feet. There is no truth to that myth, by the way. All the while he was laughing in my face. That’s what it felt like at least. Quite possibly the most frustrating thing was that I had given four years of my life to that man. Four years that felt like a waste of time. Four years that now felt like a complete and utter joke. Justin and I had been friends before we had been anything else – which is supposedly the most important basis for a relationship to last. Seems they were wrong about that. I had made a mental note to stop reading advice columns on relationships after that. A cheater will always be a cheater no matter how right you do everything else. Back then we had been an awesome group of five, walking through high school together in a cloud of happy bliss. It was myself, Justin, Amy, Danielle and Timothy. The five of us had been locked out of Geology one day for all being late. The teacher was a big burly man with strict rules and told us all that under no circumstances would we be allowed in the class if we were anything over four minutes late. And boy did he watch that clock to make sure. When we arrived six minutes past the time he told us that we’d just have to wait outside. As it turned out, this was a blessing in disguise for us. Not only did we all hate Geology but the five of us became instant friends from that day and we were inseparable. Myself and Justin were the quiet confident ones with a very similar sense of humor – a little dry, a little sarcastic, a little bit misunderstood by others. Amy was the sweet, caring and bubbly one who always made sure that the group stayed together. Danielle was the outgoing one – always loud, always sassy, and always making us laugh. And Timothy was the quiet one, the intellect out of the bunch of misfits. Together we worked well and our differences were what kept us together. When Timothy moved to Canada in the last year it felt as if the group was going to fall apart but Amy kept us all together and we managed to stay in touch with Timothy despite the distance. It might sound naïve now but at the time I truly thought that we would all be best friends forever.

Justin told me that he liked me only a few months after we became friends but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into a relationship and I told him that I’d rather we stay friends. But the flirtations kept happening despite my denials and soon I found myself more and more attracted to him. It was Amy that pushed me to finally make the move. She told me that it was silly to not be with someone that I clearly liked so much and as always I had listened to her advice. And when I did it was as if everything suddenly felt right with the world. Just like that, Justin and I became a couple. At first it had been a little awkward with the group, but soon everything just fell into place and it was if we were always meant to be together. Justin was cute and because he was quarterback on the football team he was also very popular. But despite this he didn’t mind if people saw him playing scrabble in the garden or reading a book at the beach. It was one of the things that I liked most about him. His easy ability to just always be himself. Back then I thought he was the most honourable man in the world.

Justin asked me to marry him a few years after high school, when we were both about to graduate from the University of Arizona together. Danielle had dropped out to move to Vegas and Amy, who always dreamed of living abroad, had attended the Sorbonne in Paris. In the last few years of university it was just me and Justin. Always the two of us. J and J. The JJ’s. Justin and Jane.

We were on our way to the park, a place we had dubbed as ‘ours’ from the first time we had discovered it. Justin seemed a little bit on edge. I kept asking him what was wrong but he kept denying it. We walked straight to our tree which was marked with a big J+J in the middle of a heart and made ourselves comfortable. Justin had gone all out that day with blankets and pillows, champagne and snacks. I remember clearly being very impressed with his organisational skills. He popped open the champagne and handed me a glass. And then, right in the middle of the park, he got down on his knee (well he actually got up on his knee as he was already sitting) and he proposed to me. Of course, I said yes. I was always going to say yes. The JJ’s united. By then we had been going out for four years already and I knew that the day was going to eventually arrive. Still, I hadn’t expected it. Back then I thought that my whole life was waiting for me. I thought I’d always be as happy as I was then. How wrong I turned out to be.

Justin and I held a small party and invited our closest friends to celebrate our engagement. We weren’t sure if anyone could make it but we were lucky enough to have the original members of the group back together again. I still have a photo of that day. Timothy, Amy, Danielle, Justin and I smiling into the camera. It was only afterwards that I noticed that Justin and I weren’t even standing next to each other. That was the day that Amy announced that she was not going back to Paris. Of course, we were excited. We were thrilled.

“Oh Amy! This is great news. Half the group is together again.” I had said as I engulfed her in a big bear hug. And I really was happy. Amy had been such an important part of our lives and I was glad to have her back. From then onwards she started spending more and more time with us. I didn’t mind. I thought it was great to have another girlfriend to gossip with. She asked me so many intimate questions about my relationship with Justin and I gladly answered each of them in detail. I liked having someone to talk to. For a full year the two of us became even closer than we were before, to the point where I definitely considered her as my greatest girlfriend. But all that changed, and in one night – a night that is now etched into my mind forever – I lost both my fiancé and my best friend.

I had been working late that night and had told Justin that the company had set me up in a hotel for the night. But when the job finished early I decided to surprise Justin by going home without telling him. I went and bought him his favourite take-out and crept my way inside. I remember that night in slow motion. The way I had walked in all excited and then wondered why he wasn’t in the living room watching TV even though the TV was on. The way I had jumped into the bedroom to yell ‘surprise’ only to find him naked on top of Amy in our bed. Our bed. Our bed. I remember how those words kept playing in my head, over and over again. They had jumped up in fright and I had just stood there, staring at their naked bodies. They both apologised. They both scrambled for their clothes. And all the while I just stood there. Watching them without really seeing anything at all. Amy ran out the house and I sat on the bed while Justin kept telling me that he was sorry over and over and over again. Eventually I looked at him – he looked like a stranger to me, not the Justin I had been going out with for so long – and I finally found the words to say, “How long?” Justin didn’t try lie or hide his face. He looked at me then and I knew that he was going to tell me the truth. “A year.”

A year. We had been engaged for a year.

I looked again now at his Instagram account and then threw the phone on the bed. I wasn’t sad anymore. I was angry. Suddenly the room felt claustrophobic and I needed to get out. I walked downstairs and looked at the house that I now lived in. The house that was so different to the one that I had lived in with Justin. But I was glad that it was so different. There were no memories to haunt me when I looked around – only the stark reminder that life had changed.