Chapter 13
Nixon
Katana slept like a baby in my arms the rest of the night. I suppose finally having someone there for her might have had something to do with that. I had no idea what it felt like to be all alone in the world. It must feel terrible. That’s not a thing I would wish on anyone.
I found it hard to believe a woman as beautiful as she could be so alone in this world. Whatever her past held, her future was bright. She’d never be alone again now that she carried our child. And no matter what, I’d never turn my back on her. But I had no idea how much of my heart I’d be able to give her.
It wouldn’t be fair to her to ask her to marry me after knowing each other such a short amount of time. I didn’t believe in divorce—that’s just the way I was raised. My parents had been married a long time and taught us all that when you married someone, you stuck with them through thick and thin.
Mom and Dad didn’t let any of us in on their bad times, but we knew they had them. Things would get a bit tense in our household and words were barely spoken between them at times, but before we knew it, they’d managed to work things out behind closed doors. Mom always told us it was important for a mother and father to put their marriage above everything else. Treat it the same way you’d treat a business partnership at a highly profitable company.
I didn’t really understand why she’d say such a thing when I was younger. I mean, shouldn’t a couple always put their kids first?
But I’d overheard Mom explaining her ideology to my sister just before she got married. Mom had told her that the marriage was the foundation for the family that would soon follow. Without a firm foundation, everything would crumble. Each and every part of the family was important, and everyone had their part in it. But without a solid marriage, things could fall apart.
I couldn’t make a solid marriage with Katana at this point. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us or the baby. But I could be kind, and I could be there for her. I knew she blamed herself for the pregnancy; she’d told me as much. But I wanted desperately to take that burden off her narrow shoulders.
Then and there, I made a pact with myself to always let Katana know I was over the moon about having a baby. Because that was the truth. I’d never contemplated having a child. Not even once. But I believed that was only because I hadn’t found the right woman for me—that was another strong belief that my parents had instilled in me.
With Katana already pregnant, accident or not, I had no choice. I was going to be a father, end of subject. Why fight it? Why not enjoy it?
My parents wouldn’t be too thrilled with me at first, but they’d come around. They adored every one of their grandchildren, and they’d adore mine too, even if they didn’t agree with Katana and me not being married.
As I held her in my arms and breathed in the sweet scent of her lavender shampoo, I wondered how we’d end up getting along. Would she be okay with us being more like friends and co-parents rather than a couple? Because that’s how I imagined this turning out.
Even as that thought went through my mind, I felt her snuggling into me, letting out a sigh as she did. My heart pumped a bit harder—it made me feel good to make her feel good. She felt safe, I could tell. I could keep her safe. I could keep her mind free from worry about most things. With my money, resources, and family, there was a lot I could make happen for her, and I could do that for the rest of her life.
What I couldn’t do was tell her I loved her. I didn’t, and I wouldn’t lie to her about that. And I hoped she’d never lie to me about that either.
Katana was no gold digger—at least she didn’t seem to be. But that was neither here nor there. She carried my child; I’d always make sure she had more than enough to take care of the child for the rest of her life. She’d kind of hit the lottery when my seed took hold inside of her.
Another thought hit me, and this one knocked me back a bit. What if I fell in love with her, but she never fell in love with me? What if she met some man someday that she did fall in love with and wanted to marry? Where would that leave me?
A deep sigh came out of me, realizing how rough things could get in the future. The future was uncertain. All I could do was my best. Suddenly I felt the tremendous weight of responsibility resting on my shoulders.
A father to a child, a co-parent with a woman who had no one else in the world, and the responsibility to make sure no one got lost or left out of our little family.
I was going to have a family of my own!
It might not have happened in the way I’d imagined it happening someday, but I was about to have my own family. My father had taught us all that the man of the house had more responsibility to the family than anyone else did.
I kind of hoped that wasn’t true. I liked to think both parents carried that responsibility together. And for the most part, from what I had seen in other’s marriages, that proved to be true. But then, I’d had few up close and personal experiences with marriages.
When my sister had had her first baby with her husband a couple of years after they married, I was there. Things were going fine. She and her husband were working together to keep her calm and breathing through the painful contractions. A real team.
Everyone had come up to the hospital to welcome the first of our expanding family. Taking turns visiting the expecting couple, some of us had waited in the waiting room while others spent some time in the room with them. I happened to be in the room with them when the shit hit the fan.
Some alarm went off while she was having a contraction and suddenly two nurses were coming through the door in a rush. My sister held her husband’s hand, and both looked nervous. I had no idea what was happening.
“We have to get her to the OR right now,” one of the nurses said.
“Wait, why?” my brother-in-law asked. “What’s going on?”
The nurse, who was busily taking IV bags off the stand and placing them on the bed, answered him. “That alarm is letting us know the baby’s heart has stopped beating. We’ll have to do an emergency C-section.” She pressed the call button on the bed, and another nurse asked what she needed. “Get the OR ready and get the doctor and everyone else in there now,” she told her.
My sister began to cry. “What’s going to happen?” she asked the room in general.
The nurse nearest to her patted her on the arm. “You’ll be put under, and we’ll get the baby out and see what we can do about getting its heart going again.” She looked at my brother-in-law. “Daddy, can you help keep Mommy calm until we put her under? And you’ll need to throw on some scrubs—they’re in the room just before we get to the operating room. You’ll need to hurry. You’ll have decisions to make once the baby is delivered. Decisions your wife won’t be able to make, as she’ll be asleep.”
His face paled, and he nodded. But the color quickly rushed back to his face, and he looked at his wife with a strength he hadn’t had before. “I love you. I’ve got this. I’ve got you, and I’ve got our son. You have nothing to worry about. You can count on me.” He looked at me, frozen in my place with shock and worry. “Nixon, I need you to go out and inform the family about what’s happening. Tell them I will come out and let you all know how things are going as soon as we have everything under control.”
“I love you, sis,” I managed to say, and then I hurried out of the room.
In that moment, I’d seen the transfer of energy. I’d seen what a wife looked like when put into a situation where she was completely helpless, and I’d seen the weight of responsibility come to rest on the husband’s shoulders.
Later, after the baby was born, and after they’d discovered that the umbilical cord had prolapsed and been pinched by the baby’s head, causing the heart to stop beating, my brother-in-law had come out.
“He’s fine. And so is she. It was scary, but I don’t want any of you to worry. I’ll take good care of my wife and son,” he said.
My mother went to hug him, and she started to cry. “You’re a great man. Our daughter is lucky to have you.”
We’d all nodded, and everyone had gained a lot of respect for the man our sister had married. And after witnessing similar scenes with the rest of my family, I knew the possible obstacles that could come my way with a baby and a woman to take care of. A heaping load of responsibility.
Daunting, yes, but completely doable.
I kissed the top of Katana’s head, closing my eyes and trying to stop thinking about everything so I could fall asleep.
My future had been changed forever, and I could rest well knowing that I’d been brought up right and could handle all I’d just been given.