Chapter Twenty-Two
Artimus
Sitting at the poker table in the bar of my penthouse, the beer had gone to my head. So I started talking about something I hadn’t planned on bringing up. “Something kind of cool happened earlier today.”
Duke put two cards down, then Ashton gave him two to replace them. “And what would that be?” he asked.
I looked at the cards I held, the queen and king standing out amongst the lower cards. “Julia and I admitted something to each other.”
Duke looked at me with a big grin as he tossed in another fifty dollar chip. “Don’t tell me. You’ve both confessed your undying love for one another.” The kissy-face he made had Ashton and I chuckling.
Shaking my head, I let him know we hadn’t gone that far. “No. But we did admit that there’s an attraction between us.”
Ashton chunked in a matching chip, and I folded, not having anything good in my hand and not paying much attention to the game anyway. There was only room in my head for Julia.
“Does that mean you two are the newest couple at WOLF?”
“Nope.” I sat back and took a long drink of my cold beer. “Julia has a requirement that comes along with dating her. One she’s pretty sure I can’t abide.”
Duke called, and then put his straight flush down on the table. “Read ’em and weep, Ashton. All clubs from five to nine.”
Ashton didn’t blink an eye as he put his cards on the table. “Hmm, seems I’ve got one of those too. Only mine are all hearts, and I have the royal family here, along with a ten and an ace.”
“Fuck.” Duke frowned as Ashton hauled in the three hundred dollar pot.
The smile on Ashton’s face wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon. “So, what’s this requirement of Julia’s?”
I wasn’t sure if I should let them in on something so personal about Julia. Her virginity was her business. But she had told Nina and Lila about it, and either one of them might say something about it. And I did need my friends’ advice.
So, I went for it. “Julia is a virgin, and comes with some stipulations.”
Both of them raised their eyebrows as their jaws dropped. Then Duke offered some sage advice. “Whatever those stipulations are, do them.”
Ashton nodded in agreement. “Yeah, man. Do whatever it is she wants.”
I knew they had no idea what Julia wanted. It was kind of fun to inform them. I wanted to see what kinds of reactions I would get. “She wants to have sex with one man in her entire life. She won’t be giving her virginity to any man who won’t commit to her.”
Duke huffed. “Like marriage?”
“She didn’t say that exactly.” I scratched my head, not even certain myself if she meant we would have to be married or not. “She said she’s waiting for the one man who’s right for her. She doesn’t want to have sex with more than one person, so she’s been waiting to find Mr. Right.”
“So, she wants you to be with her forever?” Ashton asked with a funny look on his face. “And you guys haven’t even dated?”
“Well, she didn’t come to me and tell me she wanted me or anything like that. I overheard the girls talking, and that’s how I found out about her being a virgin. Later on, when we were alone, I asked her about it. And when I asked her how it was that she was still a virgin, she told me everything. I asked her if she thought she’d found the right man yet, and she said she had.”
Duke put his empty beer bottle on the table. “And that man is you, huh?”
“Yep.” I leaned my head back on my laced fingers. “But she didn’t even bother to ask me if I thought I was the man for her—or if I was ready to make such a huge commitment to her, for that matter. Instead, she said she knew relationships were never a sure thing and that we should just keep things the way they are.”
Ashton got up to get us another round of beers. “Can you do that?”
“No.” I knew I couldn’t do that. “I’m not sure how I’ll get her to come around and see reason though.”
“And what would reason be, Artimus?” Duke asked as he put the cards in the shuffler.
“You know. What’s reasonable.” I took the beer Ashton held out for me. “Like not expecting someone to tell you things they don’t mean or can’t possibly promise. Like telling someone you’ll be with them forever. No one can know if they’re really going to be together forever.”
The way Duke cocked his head told me he didn’t entirely agree. “Lila is the only woman I want. She’s the only woman I can see myself with. Don’t you think that when you’ve found the right woman, the one you want to see every day for the rest of your life, that you can make such a commitment?”
Do I want to see Julia every day for the rest of my life?
Yes. The truth was that I did want to see her. But I had no idea how long that would last. It was just too soon to even think about something like that.
I looked at Duke as I opened my beer bottle. “You say that, Duke, but if you really feel that way, then why haven’t you asked Lila to marry you yet?”
“It’s not the right time. But I’m sure I’ll know when it is.” He pulled the cards out of the shuffler to deal them out to us. “For now we’re just enjoying getting to know one another on another level. The level where you get to know a person intimately—and I don’t mean sexually either. I mean like in a mundane, human way—their bathroom habits, their personal hygiene habits. Being with them when they’re in a bad mood because monthly cramps have made them miserable, and miserable people tend to make those around them that way too.”
“See, that’s what Julia doesn’t understand with her idealistic beliefs.” I picked up the cards that Duke had dealt out and was pleasantly surprised with my hand. Keeping my face clear of any expression, I went on, “How can I tell the girl that I’m in it forever when I have no idea if I’ll be able to accept her at her worst?”
Ashton shrugged. “You can’t. It would be a lie if you told her that now. I can see where you’re coming from, Artimus. And I don’t envy you one bit. But that’s what dating is for. Who says you have to go from nothing to everything?”
“If I can’t promise her everything, then why would she risk her job to be with me? Not that I would ever fire her if she broke up with me. But it’s a lot more complicated than that.” I took another sip of my beer, not feeling satisfied with any conclusion we’d come to.
Duke tapped the table to get us to ante up. “Now that it’s been proven that Artimus has one hard road ahead of him with Julia, let us delve into your predicament, Ashton. When are you going to admit your feelings for Nina?”
I jumped in, “Yeah, when are you going to stop denying your feelings and go for it, Ashton?”
Shaking his head, he placed one card on the table, face down. “She doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me.”
Duke dealt him another card. “And what makes you so bad?”
“Well, there is the tiny fact that at least once a week, I wake up screaming.” Ashton looked back and forth between us. “I can’t shake what happened. I can’t let go of the memory of that accident. I can’t let go of the fact that my fiancée died because I was behind the wheel of that car. It haunts me. I feel like being alone forever is punishment for what happened to her. And I feel like I deserve that punishment.”
And I thought I had it hard. “You should get help, buddy. You need to see a shrink.”
Duke agreed, “You do. What happened is a tragedy, but you can’t let it stop you from living your life, man. Nina’s a great girl. Why not let her in on what happened and see if she can’t be your angel? Having someone in your life might help you remember that it’s worth it to get through this and move on with your life.”
All Ashton could do was shake his head. “Nina is a great girl. She’s happy, fun-loving, and all around fantastic. Gorgeous, too. How could I saddle her with a nut-job like me?”
“Nut-job?” I had to ask. “You are not one of those. You’re a man who’s had something bad happen to him. You have a scar from it. A mental one.”
Ashton shook his head. “Scar? No, a scar forms where the wound has healed. That’s what no one seems to understand. My wound is still open. It hurts me all the time. Every day I think about what happened. And sometimes in my dreams, it happens all over again, and it’s like the wound is new and fresh all over again. The memory won’t go away. It hasn’t faded at all. I’m stuck with it and stuck with the guilt, and I don’t know if I deserve for it to go away.”
“It was an accident. You weren’t drinking or on your phone or distracted in any way. You’ve told us that,” Duke reminded him. “It was a slippery road that sent your car skidding across the median. There were trees in your way that caused the impact. It wasn’t you. Not in any way was it you who made that happen, Ashton.”
Ashton’s eyes drooped as he looked down at the cards in his hand. “I wasn’t speeding, but I could’ve driven slower.” He looked at Duke. “I had both hands on the wheel, but I could’ve been paying more attention to the conditions of the road. There are so many things I could’ve done differently.”
I wasn’t sure if I should say anything to him or not. But then my mouth opened anyways. “Ashton, do you believe in God?” I asked
His head dropped, and his words came out so quietly I could barely hear him. “I used to.”
Duke and I exchanged looks of concern and sadness. He reached out across the table and patted Ashton on the shoulder. “Man, we’re gonna get you some help with this, buddy. I promise you that. We wouldn’t be any kind of friends if we didn’t make sure you got some help with this. It’s a soul-crushing thing that you’ve been through. When something is that tough, no one can do it alone.”
My heart hurt when Ashton pulled his head back up. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes. He looked back and forth between Duke and me, his lower lip trembling. “I’m ready. I’ll take your help. I’m so ready to get this shit behind me and move on. Help me be the man that Nina deserves. And I can’t do it alone; you’re right about that.”
Clapping him on the back, I assured him, “You’ve got it, buddy. I’ll get on the phone first thing in the morning, and we’ll get help for you. You can always talk to us. We’ll always be here for you.”
As glad as I was that Ashton had finally given in and was going to let us help him, I knew I still had my own dilemma to deal with.
Julia needed to bend a bit, or we’d never get a chance to see what we could or couldn’t become. No one could be sure of what life would throw at you. If Julia held firm to her belief, then she might miss her opportunity at love all together.
I had no idea if love was in our future. I knew I loved to be around her. I knew I loved the way her voice sounded. I loved the way she smelled. I loved the way she looked. I loved her attitude and personality.
I knew I loved all of those things, but I didn’t know if I loved her. And if I did love her, somewhere deep inside of myself, would that love be enough to last forever?