Jamaica

I gasp as he drives into me, hitting me deep and hard just the way I like it and enjoying the hell out of myself when Brian pushes my legs to my chest and grins down at me, a cocky smirk, when I moan and my eyes roll back.

“You like that, sweetheart?” he asks, huffing when I tighten my sex around his cock and swivel my hips, taking him to places inside me that need that burn.

I like sex of all varieties, hard, soft, slow, the kind where I don’t even orgasm, just feel all the different sensations that come along with being touched.

I grunt when he starts thrusting faster and mewl my approval when he hits my clit, sending sharp shooting pleasure spreading outward from my womb all the way to my clit and shuddering sheath.

He pushes in hard on the last thrust and stills, trembling while he comes and breathes out harshly. When he rolls to the side, we don’t reach out and snuggle, just lie still, quietly, catching our breaths while the sweat dries and the smell of shared passion lingers on the air.

“That was…” he whistles, turning to me with a smile.

I grin back at him and for the umpteenth time wonder why I can’t look at this sexy blonde Adonis beside me and feel anything but lust and lingering affection.

I want to love him, God knows I do because he’s perfect for me in every way. He is funny, easy going and he knows how to throw the sex at a girl with so much skill it hurts my ovaries just looking at him.

And yet, all I feel is the keen sting of lust and a friendship that has been going on for as long as I have lived in California.

I met Brian when I walked into a bar on a bust. He was just a bystander who got mixed up in the fray, but after I let him go, un-cuffing him at the station after running him, he just smiled, told me I was hot and asked me if I wanted to get a drink.

That night started us on the road we’re still on years later. We get together, hang out and have sex. He leaves in the morning because he’s usually too tired after the third round to move and I get to have a warm body in my bed to stave off the loneliness I feel.

It’s a good arrangement that I don’t mind continuing even when I know that it’s not going anywhere. Not really.

“What’s up, buttercup?” he asks when I drift off in my head, thinking about how I got here and where exactly it is that I am going.

“Nothing. Just thinking,” I say softly, sighing and pulling the sheet up, feeling exposed suddenly.

Brian huffs, rolls over to face me and stares down at me with his head in his hand, the all too familiar expression on his face making me groan.

“Now Jamaica darlin’, you and I both know that’s not true. I can practically feel you vibrating with whatever it is bugging you, and after I gave you such a nice, relaxing orgasm.”

I laugh at his offended tone and roll to face him, stroking a finger over the Harley tattoo on his chest, the remnants of a time when he was in love and didn’t view commitment as the plague.

Whoever Harley is, she was a stupid girl for letting him go.

“Pig.”

“Only in bed, babe. Come on, lay it on me. What’s up?” he presses, shuffling against the pillow to get comfortable.

“This job I’m working…life. Hell, I don’t know. It’s just, I’m twenty-seven years old, Brian, and here I am, a retired cop, a body guard, fucking my best friend, if that’s even what you are, and that’s all I have. I thought I would have things…normal things by now but…I don’t know! Maybe I’m gonna get my period,” I finish, trying to deflect when the ache in my chest grows stronger.

Brian murmurs something and pulls me into his arms for the cuddling we hardly ever do. It feels good, comfortable and I soak in his smell as I settle firmly against his naked body, the sexuality of our positions not stirring anything up but tender affection.

“You’ll have all that shit, Jay, you will. You just need to stop turning around in circles all the time and decide what you want to do to get them.”

I snort and stroke his chest absently, thinking about what he’s saying with a sneer. Not at him but at the fact that it’s not my forte, going after happiness.

The trouble is I don’t think I know what that is, so getting it isn’t exactly a straight road with clearly marked signs to point me in that direction. I’ve been dating since I hit Cali, my naturally outgoing personality making the whole scene easy for me.

Yeah, easy, but not satisfying because despite all those dates and the occasional hook-up I am not one to just jump into bed with a guy. I never have been.

The one time I did it, it ended disastrously with me thinking I was falling for a guy, being…what I thought was happy while in truth I was just afraid to let him go because I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

When I walked into my apartment and caught him screwing the neighbour, someone I thought was a friend, at least someone who cared about me, it ended what I had hoped would be a lasting relationship that would lead to more. Family. Home.

Something.

What Abel taught me was that maybe those things don’t exist, but even thinking that doesn’t change that I want them.

After that, I went back to weekly sex with Brian who is and always has been the one constant in my life. I love Mia and Fran and they’re so good to me that I don’t think I could ever not be in their lives in some way.

But it’s also not enough, especially when I watch Mia with Luc and see how much they love each other, even if they’re too stupid to admit it. It makes me feel like hell when I look at them, see her pregnant, with a baby I would one day love to have and seethe with jealousy.

I want that for me, all the love, giving our kids a good home with loving parents who love each other, the antithesis of what I had growing up.

And I have searched for it. To no avail. No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to find someone to love me, someone I can love. So I stick with the familiar and I keep coming back to Brian because I know no matter what, at least with him I am not alone.

“Mia and Fran want me to go to Spain with them. Mia’s super pissed at Luc right now and I don’t think this will play out well if she stays in Cali. She’s offering it as a free vacation while I still get to do my job and watch her for Luc.”

“So go, babe! Look, most people would kill one of their kin for the chance to have an all-expenses paid trip to Spain. Hell, I’d take a free ride to Boston at this point. Just go and have a good time with your friends and come back relaxed. You need this.”

“I know. But what then? I know Luc and he’s not gonna let Mia go for long and then we’ll just be back to where we are now, me here in Cali, sleeping in a bed with my best guy friend.”

“Hey. Best, best guy friend who brings the orgasms. But I’ll be serious for a minute and say that it is your choice. You want me here, I’m here, you want me gone, only seeing you as a friend then that’s what we’ll do.”

“You aren’t the problem, Brian, it’s me. I don’t know what I want and worst of all I feel as if I am stuck unless I figure it out.”

“So figure it out while sipping cocktails on the Spanish coast and pretending to work. Come on, Jay, you know it’s a good idea and anyway, you’re not about to let a friend go out there unprotected,” he says ruefully, making me smirk.

“Yeah, you’re right. I will go. I just hope…it gives me something because I am starting to lose it here.”

“You’re not losing anything, Jay, just chasing a dream you can’t see yet. Who knows, maybe you go over there, fall for some smooth talking Spaniard and I’ll be going to your wedding in a few months.”

“Not on your life. I was born and bred in Cali, Cali is where I stay,” I say staunchly.

Brian just grins and kisses me again, rolling over to put me under his big body.

“Let’s see if we can put you to sleep, darlin’, you need your rest.”

The alarm goes off, wrenching me from a dead sleep, the dream that always plagues me drifting away when and I roll over to grab it, hurling the clock into the wall with a curse when my head starts pounding and my stomach announces that it is not happy with me.

It’s definitely not a good way to wake up in the morning, hungover with nowhere to go with it because I have to get my ass up and go to work. A new job. A new day. A new outlook, because I needed it and despite Mia’s pleading I had to do it.

To say that Luc was not happy about me quitting is an understatement but it became more than vital when three months ago he sold off his programming business to one of the partners and they up and relocated to Milan.

I followed, of course, who the hell wouldn’t want the opportunity to move to a foreign country where the men are hot and the women make me want to consider opening up my options.

That was a mistake and one I didn’t know how to correct until Mia’s seventh month when she started staying in the villa because she’s so big she can’t drag her ass out of the house anymore.

Twins will do that to a woman, I think, groaning out a laugh. She found out just recently that her size is the result of the great Lucas Fabrizio planting two in there for the price of one and, well, she’s content to stay at home and lie by the pool with Daphne and one or both of Luc’s sisters.

All those women come with a shitload of their own security and with Cam or Barry staying close by on a daily basis, it’s become…

I have become redundant. Not that they don’t trust me to do my job, mind you, it’s just that there isn’t much job to do lately. Unless you count me finding hiding places where I can still watch Mia when Santiago comes around to visit. Then I’m working at full capacity trying to do my job and still stay out of line of sight.

I hate that man, I am not kidding. Most days it’s almost impossible not to take out my gun and shoot him. The only reason I don’t is that Mia loves him and the woman would cry.

Shit, she cries all the time now, no matter what, so I’m keeping my options open with the whole kill Santiago thing. Just yesterday, my last day on the job, she burst into tears watching a John Candy movie.

I still don’t know why, but I suspect it was the sight of him eating a chocolate bar while she is restricted only to healthy foods, Luc’s orders.

God, am I gonna miss that weird, maniacal woman, I think, tearing up because this has been the best time of my life so far. I have no other friends besides Fran and Mia, not since I left my hometown at sixteen after the court emancipated me from my dead beat parents.

I’d graduated by then, been holding down a job to feed myself and I was on the way to college at that point, having had the brains to realise that I had to hurry up and get out before one or both of them killed me.

From there I went into a year of college before signing up to study law enforcement. That worked out well enough and I got into the Academy at eighteen, still studying because no matter how much I worked, a year was not enough time to get everything done.

Being a cop was…an education. I think the one thing that it taught me was that life has no black and white, just greys everywhere I looked. I was in it for two years before I walked away, no longer able to stomach arresting mothers for leaving their kids at home without proper care because they had to work just to provide the basics.

I was tired of seeing the downtrodden screwed over by the system while criminals walked free, smiling all the way. I was tired of not having any control.

I signed up for the job because I wanted to protect people, not stand by while the law protected the bad guys. When it became clear to me that my job was not going to deliver on my dreams, I left and got picked up by an agency that provides protection to people who can afford to pay for the best and that is how I fell in with Cameron and Barry, two of the world’s biggest assholes who I happen to love to death.

My life’s been this way ever since, taking job after job, traveling, protecting spoilt rich girls, diplomats, even once the daughter of a Russian mobster because as bad as the guy was, he told me that his family was his life.

Grey. All around me.

I finally got the job with Luc because he was desperate to keep Mia safe while she ran away from him, the proverbial reluctant bride who didn’t want to marry her man because she didn’t think he loved her.

That was the best job ever and one I hate leaving. But I have to. Not because I’m scared and certainly not because I can’t handle the heat but I just think it’s time for a change, ya know, time to drop the mantle of protector and do something that I haven’t ever thought to do before.

I’m consulting on cases with an Italian that freelances to places like Interpol and the CIA. I get to work the job, find the answers and still have a life which I haven’t had in more years than I can count.

I am twenty-seven years old, I have nothing to call my own and, contrary to popular opinion, I am not a lesbian and, yes, I do want a husband and children and all that rosy shit that people take for granted.

I want a home, family, something completely different to what I had while growing up and I’m going to get it. Starting with changing some things about my life.

Like a job I adore but doesn’t give me much time to do much of anything else besides sleep and have the occasional night out with Franny when she comes over here.

I considered going back stateside too, but I have nothing there to go back to so it’s not even worth thinking about.

Nah, I’ll hang around here where I have a semblance of family and see what happens. Maybe I’ll like working for this place and stay on indefinitely and not just for the one case they’ve offered me.

Who knows?

Sighing, I roll out of bed and let my feet hit the ground, grabbing my head when it thumps dizzily. Damn Fran and her bad influence. The woman doesn’t know how to do anything else but party and last night saw us giving her a send-off to end all send-offs. I am paying for that now but I have got to admit that when that girl parties, she makes it great for everyone.

The phone rings while I am in the shower and I curse, slamming the faucet off and grabbing a towel. I dive for the thing and answer with a breathless grunt, grimacing when my wet body soaks the sheets.

“Yeah?”

“Isabella.”

Only one person calls me Isabella.

The sound of that voice is jarring and I have the insane urge to slam the phone down before my sense overrides the action, clenching the receiver hard enough that my knuckles pop.

“What do you want?” I ask, hating that my voice trembles, that just hearing his voice has my heart beating faster, the air getting trapped in my lungs.

I hate him, despise him. Why can’t I just get over him and stop caring?

“Bella, I need to see you,” he says after a slight pause, the hesitancy making me still.

Santiago is anything but a hesitant type of guy and the fact that he’s showing any sort of discomfort has my nerves going tight and every thought stopping.

“What happened? Is it Mia?” I rush out, pushing myself up and struggling with the towel.

My hair is dripping all over the place, soaking the sheets but I ignore it and try to focus, push away the hurt and anger I feel to keep calm and get answers.

“No, Bella, she’s just fine. Luc is taking good care of her and he’s decided to work from home and set up his VP to run the office.”

My heart settles after hearing that and I let out a hard breath when he keeps silent, waiting for me to calm down.

“Good, that’s good. Why are you calling me?” I ask, forcing my voice to become emotionless.

I can’t betray a thing with this man, not by a breath. He’s too smart, too mercenary and, as I have already proven, I can’t stand up against him, no matter how hard I try to make myself.

There’s just something about Santiago Alvarez that makes my natural sense of calm evaporate. It has been that way since I followed Mia to Spain when she left Luc all those months ago.

I didn’t want to go but the truth is that Luc needed me to have her back and, to be honest, I also needed a break. She convinced me that I could protect her and still take a vacation and that is how I met Santiago, a good friend of Mia’s from her days traveling the globe.

We were staying at his house, a huge villa that sat on a rise overlooking his vineyard. I fell in love with it the minute I set foot on the land and you don’t even want to know what a boob I made of myself when I saw him the first time.

It was a jaw dropping, eye popping moment that to this day will never be forgotten. I literally stopped in my tracks and lost all motor function when he smiled at me, his brown eyes twinkling.

Fran laughed her ass off and whispered to me that if that was my reaction she’d refrain from tapping that. I appreciated that because my vagina set off a hello that was hard to ignore and other parts of me started thinking babies, weddings and a whole lot of shit that makes me cringe.

“You are still upset. I understand but please do not allow your anger with me to color what I say,” he asks, his voice all soft and understanding, as if he could ever truly understand what I feel.

He hurt me, more than anyone has ever hurt me before and why I should even talk to him now is beyond me.

“You don’t know shit about what I feel, Alvarez, so let’s not play the soft card, okay? Just tell me what the hell you want so I can say no and get to work.”

He sighs and I stay silent, towelling the water from my skin while pulling panties and a bra from the drawer. He doesn’t speak for a while, probably waiting me out to get me to just cave. I was a cop. I’ve interrogated suspects for hours and not broken a sweat or shifted a muscle. I’ve sat in a car for two days, holding my bladder and keeping my eyes peeled.

I can do this forever, he doesn’t stand a chance.

“I need you to find someone for me. I would pay you handsomely, of course, and would consider it a personal favor.”

I snarl, feeling out of sorts because of the dream and now having to listen to Santiago reduce me to an employee, probably way better than where he had me before.

“No.”

I end the call before he can argue and toss the phone onto the bedside table, the handset sounding a dial tone because I know he’ll just call back.

My cell goes off and I laugh humorlessly while throwing myself together in a black suit, button up shirt and heels that are hot but allow me to run if need be.

Once I’m made up, the blue streaks in my hair hidden under the brown mass I pile on top, I grab my keys, purse and the now silent cell and head out, grabbing the elevator down to the lobby of the building where Luc bought me an apartment.

Never let it be said Luc does not take care of his employees, even if I was already leaving.

“Yo, Jammy!”

I turn at the call and spot Cameron barrelling towards me as I step onto the sidewalk, the busy Milan street filled with passers-by as I stop and wait patiently, checking my watch to make sure I have time for this.

“Hey Cam, what’s up?” I ask as soon as he reaches me, only groaning a little when he hugs me and plants a kiss firmly on my lips.

“Luc called me early and asked me to get you to call him. Apparently, he needs to call in a favor and you’re not gonna like it.”

Shit. Fuck my life.

“This is about Alvarez, isn’t it?”

He flushes and I know I have him when he rubs at his nape and peeps up at me from beneath his spiky black lashes.

“He called Luc ten minutes ago and asked him to talk to you. Apparently, he knows about your skill set and he’s convinced he needs you on a job.”

“I have a job. I start with Halifax this morning. I got a cold case that’s been specifically assigned to me and I don’t have time for whatever shit Alvarez has up his sleeve. Why don’t you give it a go?” I ask, hating that I sound like I’m pleading.

I am. I do not, absolutely do not, want to work for Santiago. I may not be on a time crunch with this case I have waiting on me but I also don’t want to spend time freelancing for Alvarez. I took this job to get away from the bastard.

“Sweetheart, we both know that you have way more clout in the intelligence department than I have and according to Luc this is gonna require a certain set of skills and a vagina to get the ball rolling.”

“What?” I growl, narrowing my eyes.

“Hey, just the messenger, Jam, don’t put it on me. I’m just telling you what Luc said and also reminding you that he’s due a favor or two.”

Dammit, I know. Did I not just acknowledge the guy bought me a swanky apartment in Milan, gave me the opportunity to stay with Mia and didn’t pitch a fit when I told him I had to leave, and why?

No, he understood and did his best to help me out even though he didn’t owe me a damn thing. He’s my friend and shit, I always help friends.

“Fuck,” I mutter, flicking a look down the street where I see Barry standing beside a car.

“You assholes can give me a lift to work,” I mumble, cursing when he smiles and follows me to the car.

Barry greets me, throws me a wink and opens the door, closing it when I slide in. Luc surveys me with a pained look that almost has me laughing before he sighs and mutters an Italian curse his mama would hate. And love.

“I’m sorry to do this to you, Jam, really I am, but when he called and talked to Mia…”

“She jumped on it because she still has some romantic idea about setting us up,” I finish, rolling my eyes. “What does he want? And why doesn’t he use his hallowed millions to buy it from someone else?”

Luc shifts uncomfortably and I know that whatever he’s about to say I won’t like.

“He’s looking for someone. I don’t know who so don’t bother asking but apparently it needs to be handled discreetly and since he knows you, he won’t consider anyone else. I offered Orson and he declined so I know just how tricky this must be for him.”

That says it all and there’s not much more to say before we reach the Halifax building.

“Tell him to call me. I have a case I’m staring on today but there’s no time limit since I only get paid on completion. I’ll figure his shit out first, if I can, but Luc you make it Goddamn clear that we do this over the phone, I’m not working directly with him,” I warn, making my eyes go hard to convey my seriousness.

He sighs and I think I see his mouth quirk before he nods.

“I’ll tell him but I have to warn you, I think this is personal for him so the likelihood of him staying away is almost nil,” he says, spreading his hands out helplessly.

“Great, just what I need.”

I leave the car and walk into the lobby, grinding my teeth when I look up to see the devil himself standing there, just waiting, as if this was always a foregone conclusion.

I am not ready to see him. I’ve avoided it for months since Mia’s wedding and the disastrous night we had. I promised myself after Spain that I would never be with him again but a few drinks later, the romantic atmosphere of a wedding and I was suddenly back to square one with Santiago, going so far as to wake up beside him in his hotel room and do it all over again because my stupid heart told me that he’d come back for me, that this time it would be different.

I woke up happy and left with tears streaming down my face when he made it clear that it was nothing more than what it had been before. Two people sharing mutual passion.

In short, I have now had two affairs with Santiago Alvarez and both times I was nothing more than a sex buddy with a heart full of love while he felt nothing.

“I told Luc I’d do it, you can calm the convincing and leave. Call or text me the details, Alvarez, and I’ll start digging,” I say, going to walk passed him.

I shouldn’t be doing this and it’s not because I want to be a bitch, it’s that I just can’t deal with Santiago and not fall apart somehow. Months ago, I made myself a promise, made Brian a promise, and I can’t go back on it, not and keep myself together.

He grabs my arm when I try to pass and pulls me to a stop, his height of six five making him tower over me when he looks down into my eyes.

“I don’t have time for you to go and sit in an office taking calls and looking at files, Isabella. I need you to start now, today, before…I just can’t wait on this. I have spoken to your boss and he’s well aware that you’re working for me, an emergency I told him. He is fine with it, your job will still be here when you get back.”

Dammit, I do not want to leave and go anywhere with this man after the way he treated me, especially not after we spoke that last time, one of the worst days of my life.

“Look, let’s get a few things straight here, this is my life you’re bullying your way into with as much finesse as a bull in a china shop. I do not want to work for you, around you, near you, in any way shape or form. I told you the last time we spoke that that would be the last you heard of me and I have tried damn hard to keep that promise. The only reason I have agreed to get involved here is because Luc asked and I couldn’t refuse him. I don’t want to see you. I’ll work this case, fine, but you stay out of my way, Alvarez, and let me get it done.”

He smiles, as I knew he would because why shouldn’t an arrogant man like him think that my objections or feelings are amusing, and then he leans in to peck my lips, shocking the hell out of me.

“Bella, it would be extremely difficult for you to pose as my wife, the wife of a happily married couple, if I were not there to play the part of happily married man.”

“Wife? What? What are you talking about?” I gasp, taking a step back and shaking his hand away.

He shrugs, that old world arrogance coming to the fore with force.

“This person that I need you to locate…it will not be easy. Simply put, we will be required to act out a charade of sorts so that we can collect the information we need. That can’t happen if we’re ‘discussing’ things over the phone and it sure as hell will not help if anyone suspects that we are less than a married couple on holiday.”

“Are you nuts? Have you finally baked your brain in the Spanish sun?” I hiss, putting another step of space between us when he tries to take my hand again.

“What happened between us-”

“Is over. Done. I won’t look into the past besides to tell you that you are the most unfeeling man I have ever had the misfortune to meet. The rest is work, just work and I won’t let you use me again, not even as a favor to Luc.”

It hurts, saying those words, because just thinking of the past, well, at least the months that have gone by since we saw each other and everything that has happened since, has the power to destroy me.

I almost let the pain take me then, would have if not for Cameron and the support he showed me. I wanted Santiago there so badly I sometimes wonder if I didn’t knock a part of my brain out in that accident but, as with everything that is Santiago Alvarez, I got to survive with the knowledge that nothing touches him. Not even…

He flinches at the cold way I hiss those words and the ice I try to inject when looking him up and down.

“You are nothing to me but a job. When this is over you leave me alone. No more visits when you know I’m seeing Mia or Fran when she flies over. No more pretending that we’re anywhere near friends. Nothing.”

“Bella-”

“Don’t call me that. And don’t try to con me here, either. We agree to this or I will walk, Luc or no Luc,” I warn, hardening my heart when he looks away and blinks, his complexion turning pale.

“I will agree to this, for now,” he says softly, swallowing loudly. “But you and I both know that we cannot keep avoiding things. We have to talk. There is much to be said between us, much that we share-”

“Share? What the hell have we shared besides the sex you seem to put so much stock in? Were you sharing when I called you from the hospital and you put the phone down in my ear? How about when Cameron called to tell you that I was on life support?” I ask, my tone acidic.

Santiago pales even further and tries to take my hand but I wrench away with a hiss, the thought of his hands on me making my skin turn icy.

“I wanted nothing, nothing but to tell you-”

“And I couldn’t hear it!” he yells, lowering his voice when people stop to stare. “Do you think it was easy for me to get that call? You didn’t even tell me,” he accuses.

“Because you refused to take any of my calls,” I whisper back, turning to stare at anything but him before I do something stupid like cry or slug him in the face. “You have no right to accuse me of anything. This…I gave you a chance, more than once.”

And I did. Because I was scared and needed him and all I had to rely on was Cameron. Cameron who kept it all quiet for me and looked after me, taking personal days that he had never taken before in the years he’s been with Luc.

Gathering myself because this is not getting us anywhere, I turn and look at him, making myself see him with the anger I feel now, not the love I once had for him.

“We need to talk about what it is you need me to do. I don’t want to rehash the past or have a mud-slinging contest. So lead the way, let’s go.”