Jamaica

The babies are born the same day, Mia’s labor after they induced her going relatively fast considering that some women are in labor for hours upon hours, if not days.

They’re two huge, very vocal little boys with lungs that obviously have more than enough capacity. Adorable is not a word I like to throw at kids, I feel it’s overused, but when Luc finally comes out, cradling two squirming masses, a smile on his face, that’s what I come up with when I spy them.

Adorable. They both have heads full of thick black hair, eyes of undetermined color, though I suspect they’ll be brown from the darkness of the baby blue that all babies have at birth, and they’re both over six pounds.

How Mia ever thought she’d give natural birth is anyone’s guess, but I don’t mention it, just send up a silent prayer to God that things worked out this way before she lost all function below the belt, and smile when Luc offers me a kid.

“This is Sergio and the other is Tomaso. They are both perfectly healthy and so is Mama,” he whispers quietly as I swallow and nervously take the baby, my hands shaking as my eyes go hot and wet.

“He’s beautiful, Luc,” I whisper, my chest aching with both grief and happiness so profound it hurts just to draw in air.

“Si, grazie, Jamaica. You came through for me today in a way that I cannot repay you. If you hadn’t played to Mia’s vanities, I would still be ripping my hair out and begging God to make her see sense.”

I smile because I know he’s just trying to lighten my mood and kiss the soft skin of the baby’s cheek before handing him over to his excited grandma, Daphne.

“Dude, you should know she’d never have held out so long if you’d hinted at her having to have her ass redone after pushing.” I quip, giggling when he shudders.

“God forbid! She would kill me in my sleep if anything like that ever happened. She’s already set an appointment to have her one stretchmark permanently removed!”

That sounds so like Mia I can’t help but laugh and shake my head.

“Congratulations, Papa, you did good.”

Luc grins, seeming to swell up before leaning in to kiss my cheek.

“One day, Jamaica, you will hold your own bambino in your arms and every grief you have felt will melt away.”

I nod, not able to speak, and spend the next few minutes watching everyone gush over the babies before the nurse announces that Mia is out of recovery.

“You were so right! You should have been there to see it. They were in and out so fast I am amazed there’s anything left of me!” Mia gushes when we enter her room, looking fresh and not at all like a woman who just brought two new babies into the world.

Everyone laughs, I shudder and Luc turns a little green, no doubt reliving seeing his wife sliced open and two of the hugest babies pulled out of her.

“I’ll pass, babe. That’s just unacceptably graphic,” I say, kissing her and congratulating her on her amazing feat.

“Dude, you’ve been to actual crime scenes.” She laughs.

“Yeah, but they were dead, Mia, they couldn’t feel a thing anymore. You just got sliced and diced and you’re sitting here as if it didn’t happen.”

It’s easier to joke than it is to stand here and know that I’m out of place. I feel out of place. Santiago kisses Mia, coos about how adorable her sons are and before I can kiss his ass, he’s telling everyone that we have to leave.

I’ve never been that relieved or thankful in my life and I thank him just as soon as we’re in the car and driving back to the airstrip.

“You looked ready to bolt, Bella.”

“I was gearing up for the hundred yard dash, Santiago,” I admit, following him onto the plane and strapping in quickly.

He doesn’t say anything as he seats himself and does the same, keeping his face in profile when the plane starts to taxi. I get the feeling talking now is not a good idea, so I sit and stare out the window beside me, keeping my eyes down and clear of him.

Today was hard. For us both. I don’t think he’ll ever truly understand how hard it was for me but I won’t lessen what he feels by not acknowledging it at all.

We both lost, more than I think we’d anticipated and I don’t want to make it worse by babbling and being an idiot.

“You looked…so happy for them,” he says after a while and I flick my glance to him, frowning.

“I am happy for them. They’re good people who deserve to be happy,” I say, frowning because I don’t understand his meaning.

Santiago rolls his shoulders and scrubs at his neck, seeming at odds with what he’s thinking and what he will allow himself to say.

“It was painful also. I saw your fear, your vulnerability and the way you tried to keep yourself separated from the family, Bella.”

“I…I didn’t want to freak out on them when everyone was so clearly stressed and trying to stay calm. Hospitals creep me out,” I explain, biting the corner of my lip.

“Because of the accident and the miscarriage.”

“Yes. And because the day it happened I also lost Brian-”

“Do not speak to me of that man! He almost killed you and killed our child. He does not deserve your love and loyalty, Isabella.” He snarls, making me tense and rear back.

“No? Then who does? He was there for me for a long time, Santiago. He took care of me and gave me his friendship. Yeah, he was screwed up but he was also just a guy who needed help. What kind of friend would I be if I hated him for what he did, out of insanity? He was helpless and, yes, he fucked up but he paid for it with his life. Hating him won’t change a thing, it won’t bring the baby back and it would just hurt me more.”

“And yet you hate me?”

I tense further, gasping because he looks bereft at the thought of my hate. I don’t…

“I don’t hate you. I don’t hate anyone! I just want to feel better and live my life, is that so fucking much to ask!” I yell, my chest heaving.

“Then live it! Truly, as you once did. Not in this way you have now where you keep people at arm’s length and pretend that you don’t care.”

“I don’t-”

“You won’t speak of anything that signifies any true emotion unless it is anger or hatred, Isabella. You sleep with me, use my body and then move on to whatever it is you have to do without once considering how I feel. You won’t speak to me about how you feel. You won’t even talk to me about our child-”

“Because he’s dead and there’s no sense going over it all again! What do you want me to say, huh? That I was scared and happy and sick and the one person I depended on turned into a maniac?” I rage, unbuckling my belt finally and jumping up to pace.

“Bella-”

“The day I called you to tell you about the baby, he was there! You should have seen how happy he was when you accused me of trying to pass his baby off as yours. I was so mad at him I tossed him out of my apartment. But I was all alone. My friends all live in other states, my family…all I had was Fran and she hated Brian so much she refused to see me anywhere but at her place. So he came back and you know what, I let him.”

I breathe hard, dragging air in through my nose and keep moving, feeling as if there are ants under my skin.

“For a month or two things were okay. We were friends. He came over and cooked me dinner when I was sick. He slept on the couch when I was lonely and sad. He took care of me and…and I thought that his anger when he found out I was pregnant was history. When I called you again and threatened to come out here, that was the last straw, I think. We got in the car. He was very quiet and didn’t say a thing but I guessed that he had something on his mind so I didn’t question it when he offered me a ride to the airport.”

Santiago pales and I hate telling him everything but if he needs to know then I can do this.

“He took a turn I didn’t recognize and I complained, told him I was going to be late for my flight and he’d better redirect the satnav. I was blindsided when he started yelling at me that we weren’t going to the airport. He had this cabin out in the middle of nowhere and he was going to take me there and keep me until I realized that we were meant to be together. Then he started yelling at me about getting pregnant with another man’s brat.”

That was so hard. I was floored by the rapid shift in his demeanor and so terrified when he looked at me I still don’t know why I didn’t use any of the fighting skills I knew.

I could have knocked him out and called the police, anything but sit there and stare at him with my mouth hanging open and my heart racing.

“I knew that if we reached his cabin I was in trouble. I don’t know why or how my mind shifted so fast from trusting him to total fear but it did. He was so…out of control and angry. I asked him why he was being that way, why he was scaring me and he said it was my fault, that I was blind to anything but my own feelings and needs. It was getting harder not to cry because you have to understand, I loved him. For a long time he was my only friend.”

Santiago nods, silently asking me to retake my seat and I comply but only because my legs have gone weak and I don’t know if I can stand for much longer.

“His brother reported that he had been on medication?”

“Yeah. Antidepressants. I knew he was having a hard time at work and struggling with someone named Harley. I only found out later that Harley is a man, not a woman and that Brian had been in love with him for a long time. Not that it ever led anywhere, the guy is as straight as they come,” I say, laughing mirthlessly. “Brian must have stopped taking the meds and when I came back, and he thought he was losing me too, he snapped. He was…he’d become unhinged, alternately raging against the baby and thinking it was his. It freaked me out when he started saying that we’d stay at the cabin indefinitely, possibly until I gave birth and he’d decide what to do after.”

Santiago nods, closing his eyes while his hands clench into tight fists. He’s angry and trying to keep calm, I know the look after years of working with men.

“We were travelling when my phone beeped and he remembered that I had it. He grabbed it and read your message that you’d be expecting me and we could talk. I think he panicked when he realized that we could work things out. He lashed out in a fit of anger and slapped me but the movement jerked on the wheel and then everything went haywire. I was conscious when the car snaked sideways and flipped. It rolled twice and hit a tree after it slid on its roof. I must have blacked out, hit my head, but when I woke up, all I could see were his eyes and hear the sound of sirens.”

“He died on impact?”

“I don’t know. All I remember clearly was being cut out of the car and a lot of blood. I couldn’t really feel anything but to be honest I was in shock at that stage. They rushed me to the nearest hospital and you know the rest. I lost the baby, Brian died and I had to let it all go. I understand you hate him. In the beginning, when they couldn’t stop the bleeding, I thought I’d have killed him myself if he hadn’t died already but then I had time to think and I know, inside me, that if he’d just had help, if we’d seen how bad he was, he would have never hurt me. Brian loved me, Santiago.”

“He showed it in a terrible way,” he drawls sarcastically.

“Please don’t. I know you have the right to be angry, you lost just as much as I did that day, but he wasn’t a bad person. He was in need of help. If you want to blame someone, blame me. I ignored the warning signs because I didn’t want to see them,” I say softly, the past lifting from my shoulders just a little more.

“You cannot say this! To take the blame for that lunatic is madness, Bella.” He breathes, horrified and possibly angry that I would dare to defend Brian.

“Why not? I blamed you for months without once considering that you weren’t in any way responsible,” I say, being as honest as I need to be to put it all away, once and for all.

“No, I refuse not to take responsibility at all because I wasn’t there! I could have stopped it-”

“Did I give you a choice?” I ask, cutting him off. “We parted badly and I was angry, so it’s not as if I went out of my way to make it clear that Brian was only with me as a friend. Did I? No. I was angry and I wanted someone to punish and blame, so I made it you. And then afterward I needed a scapegoat and that was you again. It was just easy not to think about my own actions but it’s not right either. No one is to blame. Things happened, bad things, and now they’re done and gone and nothing can change them.”

“Perhaps not, Isabella, but we can learn from our mistakes and perhaps build something stronger.” He rasps, his voice gravelly and uneven.

I blink, not at all sure of what to take from that and watch as he swallows and leans back, his posture relaxed but belied by the tick in his jaw.

“What are you saying?”

“That we have the opportunity to do things right this time, Bella. Stay with me. I know I am not what you want, that I cannot give you everything you want, but I will be a good husband to you. I will take care of you, try to make your days happy and give you the family you never had,” he pleads.

His voice is not pleading but I see the way he’s looking at me, almost uncertainly, and I can see that this isn’t easy for him. It’s harder for me, I mean come on!

This is the guy I have dreamed about forever. He’s handsome and sweet and smart and he loves his family. Part of what first attracted me to Santiago was his commitment to those he loves, the people who are under his care. He’d make a great father and to some woman, a great husband because he’s capable of acting the part, even when he’s not feeling it all.

I don’t want a fucking actor, I want the real deal.

It’s tempting though. If I stay I get him. We’re good together in so many ways, not just in bed and I know that we could make a good team, raising his niece and perhaps other children.

Can I sacrifice what I need? Can I give up on love, I ask myself.

The truth is that just days ago I would have said no, I can’t, won’t do that. Now, right here, I ask myself what love cost me. I had a broken heart, lost not only a child but a friend because I let love blind me to everything but what I wanted and what I felt.

Love isn’t worth having, not if it’s going to bring this much pain.

“Santiago.”

“When you first came back to Italy and Luc told me you’d returned, I was hopeful that we could talk and I could explain myself. Then I thought, what the hell can I really say? I was blinded by my own troubles and the fear I felt. I thought it would be best to just leave you alone to get on with your life and find someone worthy of you. I was being noble, for once in my life thinking of someone other than myself. And I would have continued on if I thought it was serving you for me to stay away. But it isn’t, is it?” he asks, making me pause and blink at him.

“You have not moved on. You don’t see other men. You hardly see your friends and every move you make is the right one, the sensible one. Gone is the Bella I knew who would make a rash decision and say screw the consequences. In her place is this woman I do not know, one who gives her body without love, takes without really wanting anything and pretends that she doesn’t want anything. If this is what leaving you alone has done, Bella, I will no longer do so.”

“I am not-”

“You are slowly killing yourself inside and I can’t stand the thought of all your light burning out,” he says passionately, his anger and impatience with my denials coming to the fore. “You do not shine anymore, Bella! You hardly smile unless you think you should. You don’t do anything spontaneous anymore. Where is my girl who loved Bob Marley and had her hair done to honor him? Where is the woman who laughed with me in bed and took moonlit walks with me through the vines?”

“I’m right here,” I say, my voice croaking out.

“No, querida, you are pretending but you are not truly living. I want you to live. With me. Be with me, even if I am not good enough. I will make you happy Bella and you can be there for Gabriella. Please.”

I swallow, my throat dry and before I can stop myself, I nod.