Deidra

I laugh as I watch Cord twirl Jack around the dance floor, her dress streaming out behind her before she twirls back into his arms and lays a hard kiss on him that should be PG rated for indecency.

It’s been a real struggle the last few days watching her get all emotional and numb because she thought Cord had cheated on her. For Jack, unlike the rest of us, life is about the little things. And the big, but mostly the little things. She loves, and when that happens, it’s all out, full love.

She’s been in love with Cord Nixon off and on for the last nine years since she grew boobs and her vagina started yammering to be set free. It was only a matter of time before they looked at each other and realized that they were meant to be together.

Although, I was plenty scared there for a while that she was actually going to marry the fool she was engaged to, Felix. That man…

He’s good looking and charming and steady, I’ll give him all that and not fudge the truth about it. I guess I can see why Jack was with him and why she was going to marry him in the first place.

But his insides are no good, and by that, I mean that he’s not what I would term a good person. I knew it the moment I met him, and I kept telling Jack all through her engagement and wedding plans.

It got to the point where me and Kim had actually planned to stand up in the middle of the ceremony and yell a hell no to the proceeding but thank you, Jesus, that Felix fool did me a favor and saved my life by confessing to being in love with and expecting a baby with our cousin Melinda.

If that hadn’t happened, we’d have taken our own lives into our hands and protested because everyone knows Jack has a murderous temper, and she’d have hunted us down like dogs for ruining her wedding.

It’s all as it should be now though. Jack fell in love, or rather admitted her love for Cord, put him out of his misery and finally agreed to marry him.

Hell, she showed up for a wedding that wasn’t even supposed to be a wedding. At least that’s what Cord made her believe. I still maintain that he had her plan this wedding because he intended to marry her, shotgun style.

It’s all good now. Life has worked out exactly as it should have and Jack and Cord are married, going off on their honeymoon and the first out of our weird ass generation to tie the knot.

I’m so happy for them I can’t describe it, but I’m also so damn jealous too. I want that. I want love and togetherness and all that sappy shit my mama and daddy have.

The problem is the one guy I want it with is a manwhore. And by manwhore, I mean that he looks at every attractive woman available and he puts out enough charm to impregnate ten of the bitches.

I’ve liked him since high school, and yes, it is so freaking clichéd that I had a crush on a member of the football team and that I was the nerdy little baker who was in drama club.

It’s a goddamn romantic comedy in the making, I think sourly, shifting when Zac leans his arm over the back of my chair and keeps talking to my cousin Skeeter about the legality of one pot plant versus a baggie.

Like I give a shit. All I want right now is to not see Ky Hollis and that whore Janice dancing together on the dance floor, practically having sex the way they’re pressed up against each other.

Kim drops down beside me, sighing and peering down at her electric green shoes. It looks surprisingly good, even if my eyeballs bleed whenever I look at them.

“God, would you just look at that? I’ve never seen Jack this happy before. It’s so bad I hear Bay tried to smile at the preacher earlier when he told her a soul is not a choice.”

I giggle and roll my eyes when Kim snorts, spitting her whiskey all over the table. She’s the only person I know who can tell a joke and laugh her ass off anyway.

“I’m glad things worked out for Jack and Cord. I like him. Most of the time,” I admit, picking at the creamed mushrooms on my plate that I never managed to eat.

Not because I’m not hungry but seriously, growing up in a family of scourers where the kids are sent out to look for good mushrooms, I’ve eaten my fair share of bad fungi and had more than the runs from it.

One time I was so sick mama almost considered taking me to the doctor. Of course, I was still breathing so she decided not to. Daddy snuck me out while she was canning peaches and got me medical assistance.

To this day it’s our secret, and I still can’t eat a mushroom. If mama knew I’d be a laughing stock but shitting yourself while your stomach cramps with the fingers of Satan squeezing your bowels is not a joke.

“Yeah. You know he bought her the building where the office is located as a wedding present?”

“No shit,” I breathe, thinking fast about that little apartment space above that we use to store some catalogs and fabric samples.

The lease on my place is coming up in a week and I haven’t managed to find anything affordable yet. I make good money at my job, don’t get me wrong but I’d like to open my own bakery someday, and that won’t happen if I give all my money to housing and food.

Most days I still eat at mama and daddy’s even though she glares me about half to death for stealing her grandma’s chocolate cake recipe. What, it’s a family recipe, and she’s being a stingy old ass for wanting to be the only one to make it.

Besides, Mrs. Hollis loves chocolate and I make her a cake every Sunday, along with some peanut butter squares. You know, just because.

“So that space upstairs is open?” I ask, chewing on my thumbnail as I think.

Zac perks up, obviously eavesdropping on our conversation and I feel my hackles rise. I like the guy, don’t get me wrong, but lately he’s been trying to manage my life, right down to living arrangements, and it’s starting to work on my damn nerves.

“Hey babe, weren’t you looking for a place? You know if Jack rents it out to you and it’s not too much we could split the expense.”

My whole body goes stiff at the thought of Zac and I living together, and I look at Kim, silently begging with my eyes for her to save me. The bitch narrows them, telling me wordlessly that she’ll help but only if I owe her a favor, probably something big.

I sweat it out a few more seconds considering that the last time I gave her a favor without clarification she made me sub in on a date with Dougy Doogan.

He smiled at me the whole time and stared at my boobs, and that wasn’t even the gross part. No, that came when he tried to shove his tongue in my mouth after we went out and ate garlic and meat pizza, his favorite flavor. Just about the only thing that was okay about that night is I like garlic and meat pizza so when he stuck it into me, I almost enjoyed it.

Sick. Kim’s eyes narrow just a little more and then she shrugs, seeming to be over her giving streak. I’d refuse, I really would but see, the truth is that I would never, ever commit to or marry a cop.

I just couldn’t. I’d be banished! It’s bad enough right now with Aunt Luanne throwing me killing looks. And this is just a wedding! And Zac is…not exactly a keeper, not for me.

Yeah, he’s good looking with brown hair and blue eyes and a hot body he keeps in good condition for his job, but he’s…tame.

Yeah, he’s tame. When I say he’s good in bed to get my sisters off my back, it’s not a lie. Just a fib. I climax just fine when we have sex, but it isn’t fireworks the way Jack described her sex with Cord.

I want fireworks and earth movement and passion that makes me lose all thought. I want love, and trust me that is not what I have with Zac. He’s a great guy but he’s not in love with me, and after four months of dating him, I don’t think it’s going to magically happen.

Nodding imperceptibly to give Kim her favor, I watch as her eyes light up with an unholy gleam and she turns to look right at Zac.

“You want to move in together? But Zac, what would your mama say? Boy, I heard she was down at the store just two days ago telling all and sundry what an unsuitable girl Dee is.”

I feign shock and hurt, turning to him with my mouth trembling which thankfully he interprets as hurt and not the laughter that wants to bubble out.

We all know that Mrs. Telman hates my guts and that she would die if I ended up with her son. As it is, I’ve had to sit through many a family dinner with that old ass crust smiling at me through clenched teeth while I eyed my dinner wondering if she spat in it.

Once I swear it didn’t taste right, but I can’t prove that, especially not since I served myself at the table and anyone else could have gotten sick from the food.

It’s still suspicious though and just goes to prove that the old bat would poison me next time if she had to sit across from me at the table knowing her precious little boy is living with me.

Zac’s mouth tenses, something that happens every time his dear mama is brought to book for her behavior, and I roll my eyes at Kim, not happy with the method she chose to put Zac in his place and get him off the subject of cohabitation.

“My mama is not a spiteful woman. Whatever you heard must have been misconstrued,” he says.

It’s the very same statement I hear every time I say something against his precious mother, or rather that I used to hear. I don’t much bother pointing out that she’s a mean-spirited woman anymore because it doesn’t get me anywhere.

Honestly, if I didn’t feel so trapped by my own stubbornness, I would break up with him and call it good riddance.

Kim’s lip curls and I swipe up the cocktail she brought with her, drinking it all down in one breath because I know her, she’s about to open up festivities.

With the bunch of miscreants we have at this wedding it’s a guaranteed that whatever goes down is going down in a big way.

I need to stop this, now before everything turns to pot and poor Jack’s wedding ends up being an all-out brawl. You probably think I’m drunk–I am a little, I admit–or being dramatic, which isn’t something I would be, or just being overly hard on my family.

I’m not saying it isn’t possible, I am all three at times, drunk being the leader of the trio, but you have to understand some back story to know why my spine goes stiff and I start panicking.

I won’t start from the cradle because we’d be here all year with examples of why my family is crazy, but I will tell you about Jack’s first attempt at a wedding a few months ago.

Okay, so you know that Felix, the groom, jilted Jack at the altar on account of his being in love with my cousin Melinda who was knocked up and standing right next to me as a bridesmaid.

Well, see, at the time that Felix was giving his little heartfelt “why I can’t marry you” speech, Cord, the man Jack married today was getting up to leave the church.

At the time we all thought it was on account he was angry that Felix had hurt Jack and humiliated her in front of all those guests, but it turns out that he was just happy–and very aware of what was going to go down.

See, my family, we aren’t quite right. I’m the first one to admit it and own it proudly. We’re good people, we just aren’t good.

Anyway, so there was Felix giving his long drawn out justification of why he’d slipped and fallen into Melinda’s vagina and impregnated her, and poor Jack just lost it.

She threw the first punch, right into Felix’s admittedly handsome but two-timing face and things…went as scripted for the Brady/Brogan clan. Mrs. Dresser, Felix’s mama, decided it was a good time to have her come to Jesus moment with Jack, calling her all manner of nasty names and…

Mama took exception.

Mama is an original Brogan by birth but an unholy mix of Brogan and Brady alike seeing as she married my daddy twenty-nine years ago and has been getting wilder since.

To say she hit Felix’s mama is like saying chalk’s a little dry on the mouth. She pummeled that old bag but good. Then Felix’s daddy stepped in which got my daddy’s dander up and well, when daddy is riled his true Irish comes out to play.

That man said some pretty nasty things about my mama and trust me her name ain’t Rue for nothing. He rued the day he said anything about my daddy’s old lady.

Daddy tossed him clear across the church and then…things got heated. What? You think anyone in my family is just gonna stand around and watch a fight?

Pshaw! For shame. We’re an equal opportunities kind of clan.

I took my opportunity when Felix’s brother Beau decided he was going to add his two cents and clotheslined the hell out of his six-two frame. By then the entire family had joined in, and all I can say is that…

You know when you watch old westerns and one punch leads to mayhem? Glass flying, fists slamming, that kinda scene? It was epic! At one point Jack lost her shit completely and the baptismal ended up making it into the roof. I shit you not.

That woman is scary strong when she’s riled.

The long and short of it is that if you just look at that one day–we were all arrested so it’s an indication of how wild things got–and you’ll understand why I’m not at all comfortable with Kim’s current train of thought.

Zac will just say something to rile her, she’ll throw a punch or a knee and once a Brogan or Brady see that, it’s game time. Poor Jack would be devastated if her wedding ended up a disaster and I’ll feel like hell because she warned me not to bring the po-po to her show.

Hell.

Kim sucks her teeth at Zac’s statement and I swallow, deciding it’s just about the right time to head things off before they get really unpleasant, namely Kim losing it because her hand’s already reaching for my empty glass and Kim has only one use for an empty glass, to use it as a weapon.

“Now, Zac, I’m sure Kim didn’t mean–”

“Oh, I meant it! Your mama is a bible thumping, stick up her tight ass, dry vagina, loose-lipped old bitch and if she ever, ever opens that toothless smile of hers against my sister again I’ll sneak into her house and cut her tongue out with goddamn nail clippers,” she says, her smile and voice going sweet, just the way it always does when Kim’s about to do something she knows ain’t right.

Zac puffs up, his broad chest blowing out like a puffer fish and I glance around frantically and lock eyes with Jack. She’s just coming off the dance floor thank you Jesus.

She stops, narrows her eyes at me and I give her the eyes, the ones that tell the whole story, communicating in one look “Kim’s insulting Zac to get him to be an ass, and she’s reaching for a glass, and you know if she hits him then the whole family will start, and then your wedding will be ruined. Help me!”

That look makes Jack’s eyes go completely narrow before she turns to Cord and whispers something in his ear. He looks our way, narrows his eyes at Zac and then my sister and her husband smile, a truly evil smile and link arms to sidle our way. Slowly.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

“Kim, stop. He’ll arrest us all,” I hiss in a whispered breath, grabbing her hand that now holds the glass.

“He can’t do shit if he’s dead,” she mutters back, smiling tauntingly at Zac and shushing me when I turn to fix this.

“Zac, I think you should just go–”

“Yeah, Zac! Go, run on home and get back on mama’s leathery tit before you do something truly despicable like actually cut the apron strings.”

“Kim–”

“Maybe if she’s busy with you she’ll keep her mouth shut. Hey Dee, did you know Zac’s mama got caught going into the dildo shop! She was shopping for an upgrade of her husband!” Kim taunts, making me gape and choke to hold in a laugh.

Zac, of course, does not take that well. He just doesn’t understand Kim’s humor.

“You fucking bitch,” he seethes, jumping to his feet.

Mama sees that from across the room, I know because she levitates to her feet, alerting daddy who sniffs the air and zeroes in on us like he’s smelling danger to his cubs.

That’s the call sign because every single Brady and Brogan stop what they’re doing like my daddy just issued a call to arms and the place goes dead silent.

You ever seen one of them zombie movies where the guy walks out into a nest of them and they all stop and start twitching their heads to find the source of fresh meat?

That’s what my family looks like. Dead stillness. Eyes narrowed and locked onto the table where I sit. Smelling the air for fresh blood. I start praying, for me mostly, because Jack’s floating our way with a huge smile plastered on her face and I think I see Cord grin and crack his knuckles.

Bay’s on the dance floor, where she was slow dancing by herself to prove she doesn’t need anyone–I can’t explain it, I find it weird too–and she’s on alert.

Most people would see her expressionless face and stillness and assume she’s either a wax sculpture or uninterested. Nope. I can feel the glee coming off her from here.

I’m breathing hard and turn to look around, seeing Sully and Jefferson roll their shoulders–hell, I think my family is contagious–and give one last look at Ky who has abandoned Janice to peer over at Zac.

“What did you just call me?” Kim asks slowly, relishing the moment.

I can hear it.

“I said shut your mouth bitch!” he yells, his anger making his common sense disappear.

I gasp and grab Kim’s arm when she swings it, taking the brunt of the glass, but that doesn’t do a damn thing except take assault with a deadly weapon off the table.

Kim launches herself like some sort of really sexy pink wrapped animal and lands on Zac’s chest. The rest erupts from there. People holler, especially the few friends I know Zac has who attended the wedding.

Pandemonium.

Being me, which let’s face it, I’m no sit out, I join the action too. I can’t even see Kim anymore, but I hear a scream that sounds just like Zac and I shudder for the poor fool as I pull my fist back and let fly at Hatty Tomas who cut my hair like shit two weeks ago. Been waiting for a reason.

It’s mayhem by the time the cops show up and start waving guns.

My family’s old hat at this shit so we all drop and leave the newbies standing, assuming the position with a smile. Except me because I feel a warm body land on me and cover me completely right before a voice whispers in my ear.

“You should have left the rent-a-guard at home sugar.”

I groan for two reasons; Ky Hollis is lying on top of me smelling great with his dick poking my ass and…well, Ky Hollis is on me! What more do I need to say?