Santiago

I kick at the dirt beneath my feet, my head downcast as I walk the vines, not seeing a thing in front of me because all I remember seeing is Bella’s face, the hurt in her eyes and then the anger.

It was so hard to let her walk away from me, knowing that she isn’t wrong and yet I did it because I cannot tell her the truth, I just can’t. The moment she knows, hears it from my lips she’ll leave me, I know it.

And I cannot allow that to happen because I need her. She makes my days good and my nights spectacular and the way I feel when I see her is…it is as if I am finally safe because I know that whatever may happen, I can trust in her.

She is honest and true and would never do anything to betray me. If Bella were ever to be unhappy or become dissatisfied with our marriage, she is the kind of woman who would come to me, sit me down, and lay it all out on the table.

There are no grey areas with her, you either do or you don’t. That attitude makes me feel safe because I know that I can expect honesty and not to find my wife in a hospital bed, dying from her injuries.

Nona let slip that she’d been pregnant at the time she left me so that’s the story, one I hate telling because it is a lie. She was not pregnant when I found her with her lover, dying in a wreck caused by too much alcohol and her wild need to flee with her lover.

No, she was not pregnant but she did have a baby. My baby. The very one I have spent the last weeks searching for. And now Isabella believes that Gabby is the daughter of my brother when in fact she is the child I never knew I had.

The whole truth has been covered up by Nona and her wild imagination but I know the truth and should it ever come out…

No, when it comes out, for certainly I will have to reveal the truth to Bella, she will hate me for it, for all the lies and the dishonor.

Six years ago, my wife Lena was the center of my universe. I loved her until I couldn’t breathe with the force of my passion. She was beautiful, interesting, funny, everything I thought I would want just for myself and so I made her mine, marrying her and bringing her into my family home as my wife, my life, the reason I had for waking.

A year into our marriage things began to change, slowly, insidiously until the once happy, smiling girl I had fallen in love with was no more. The woman in her place loved to shop and go out with friends and drink until the night faded to dawn.

I was working so hard then, trying to rescue our family fortune and the companies that had been ours for generations because under Carlos’s leadership everything crumbled.

I’d had to quit school to help Nona restore our legacy and so when I met Lena and she made the dark days of work, worry and anger disappear, I thought she was for me.

All too soon she fell into the same crowd Carlos had fallen victim to. They laughed with each other, insisting my jealousy was unfounded because they were family and friends only.

I, still drowning in work and trying to keep Nona from collapse, believed them. I wanted, needed, to believe that they were innocent friends because frankly I did not have the time to stop and look deeper.

It became apparent months later that my brother, smarting from being replaced by me - Nona’s decision - would do anything in his power to make me hurt the way he did.

He believed himself unjustly unseated by me and so he set out to destroy the only thing I loved. My wife, my marriage. And he succeeded. To learn of their perfidy, the betrayal that went so deep almost killed me and I vowed then never to love again, never to trust blindly.

It’s a promise I have kept to myself for years, until Bella and until the day that Lena’s mother came to me and uncovered a secret so big I still can’t quite fathom it.

The day I found out Lena and Carlos were having an affair, I cast her out of my life, refusing to even consider letting her make excuses for herself. A year later she came back, for him, the two of them unable to exist without the poisonous presence of the other.

See, it was not Carlos’s wife who left him, it was he who left her. For my wife. I met them in the foyer, the two of them standing there, ready to gloat and tell me that it didn’t matter how I felt, they loved each other.

They were going to be together no matter what and I, on the verge of divorce, didn’t care enough to even stop and listen. They ran, from this life where Carlos felt betrayed and trapped, and drunk on what they considered victory - and the alcohol they’d had for breakfast, no doubt - and they wrapped their car around a tree.

That is how I found them when old Navro came to find me in a panic. Two lovers, traitors, dead in each other’s arms.

Lena’s mama Sophia, burdened by the guilt of the secret she had kept for years, came to Nona and told her how Lena had borne me a child, a little girl who I would never know.

They hid her from me, threw her away not because they didn’t love her but because they hated me more. At one time I thought, truly believed, that I could not hate them any more than I already did but knowing that I had a child out there, defenseless and alone made me hate as I never have before.

Only one thing kept me sane, knowing that I would find her and knowing that I would do that with Bella. She has been the light that kept my world from blackness for months and when I spoke to Luc and found out that she was no closer to forgetting me than I was her, I knew that I would use this opportunity not only to reclaim my daughter, but Bella as well.

This I could do. I could give her a child, heal her with my daughter and make her love me again if only for what I could give her.

And I have done that but with that victory comes a heavy price because I lied. I told Bella that Carlos is the father when in fact, I am. Lena was carrying my child when I cast her out of my life. She gave up my child as she never would have done had she been Carlos’s and now I have to find a way to make Bella love me, want this family enough to stay despite the lies.

Thinking back, I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her the truth. I should have but something stopped me. I think it was her pain over losing our child and then the thought of causing her more with the revelation that I had fathered another on my now dead wife.

Perhaps it was my pride that did not want to admit that my wife and brother had bested me in the worst, cruelest way.

Whatever it was, I know that I should not have done it and now here I stand, constantly afraid to get too close to the joy I see when they’re together because what will I do if I entrench myself in the joy of my family, only to lose it when Bella leaves me.

I thought by now that she would love me and so I would have one card to play to keep her. The truth is that I don’t deserve for her to love me again and I don’t think she does.

She holds back too much of herself now, that distance I feel when I try to get too close, making me want to scream and beg her to give it back. I need her, as I haven’t needed, and yet I can’t give her what she wants. I’ve tried, truly, I just cannot seem to open myself.

I feel as if the world is closing in around me. On one hand I want to be with them so badly, be the father that Gabby needs and play a part in my little family that isn’t about me sneaking around to meet every responsibility and, on the other, the moment I try, I break out in a sweat.

It hasn’t been easy staying away and now I either do what I must, what a true man would do, or I endanger my marriage. I have already alienated my wife, unbeknownst to me, I cannot push her further away with my lies.

“You have to tell her, ninõ.”

I stop and turn to see Nona walking out of the main building where my office is, her weight relying heavily on the cane she’s started using recently.

She’s stooping in her old age, something I never thought to see from this strong, once vital woman. I hate it, but it is a part of life that she says no one escapes, no matter how we fight it.

Mumbling beneath my breath because I need just a little more time alone and I know I won’t get it, I take her arm and help her to the picnic table I have set up for the workers under a shade net, easing her down and taking the seat across.

“Get us wine, Santi, and then you and I speak.”

I leave her, going inside to pull out my most recent accomplishment, a deep red wine that I make from the southernmost grapes, and take two water glasses along with me.

Pouring us a healthy amount, I seat myself and take a silent drink while waiting for her to start in on me. I smile at the thought because it is and will ever be this way; my irascible Nona laying down the law and making her opinion known.

“You have to tell her. She is your wife, boy, she deserves to know that the child she loves comes from your loins.”

Shuddering because the sound of my seventy-year-old Nona saying loins is disgusting to me, I take a breath and shake my head.

“She will hate me. She will leave me.”

“And then, it must be so, Santiago. You should have told her from the beginning when you first spoke to her, but I understand, boy, you wanted her back and telling her so soon after the poor child lost your baby was not smart.”

I snort and take another drink, my eyes sparkling when she downs hers and holds her glass out again.

“I cannot let her go. She is the perfect match for me.”

She shrugs and smiles wistfully, looking off into the distance.

“When I met your grandfather, he was a man just like you, my Santi. He was fierce and strong and he never lost his sense of duty. I married him without love, just two people knowing what duty is and wanting to fill the roles we had to play. Love grew between us and, to this day, I miss that old fool. He was my match, truly and in every sense, and losing him was a pain I wish on no one.”

“I know this pain-”

“No, boy! You know the pain of first love, a young heart’s love and the pain of your pride being beaten. You do not know real love and loss. Lena was a bad woman, Santi. She married you for your money and the life you could give her but she was always going to veer off, this was who she was deep down. I knew when you brought her home it would not last. She was too flashy, too loud, too inconstant.”

I sit back, thinking on her words and shake my head.

“No, Nona, what I felt was love. I wanted her to be my wife. I cannot lie about it because it makes the past easier. I was a fool blinded by love and I let myself be cuckolded because I did not want to see.”

She aaahs and drinks, her lined face going hard when she meets my eyes again.

“Carlos was like your papa. Wild, reckless, thoughtless. I knew he would not be an old man when he left this world. Your poor grandfather despaired of him many times and it was a blessing that he and your mama died that way they did. Fast, painless. I do not say this to hurt you, my boy, but I want you to know. Like Carlos, may he rest in peace, your papa only wanted the fast life and he took your mama along with him. I expected worse for them and thank God he took mercy, if only to save a poor mama’s heart from the agonies he could have suffered. Carlos and my Javier were the same.”

I know this. Nona has told me these stories many times over, against my grandfather’s wishes, and I grew up hearing how duty comes before pleasure or happiness.

Is it wrong of me to want both?

“Yes, they were. Carlos…”

“Was a selfish boy! I love him but he did not think about anything other than his own happiness. When you stepped in to save the family, I knew he would not take it well. I saw the way he looked at Lena and the way she looked at him, but I did not say anything, Santiago, because I knew, it would not matter. If they would betray you…you had to see.”

I pause and stare at her, feeling anger, shock, many emotions that disappear faster than they form because getting angry now will not change anything, as Bella has told me.

“You knew they were together?”

“Eh, they were smart about it, Santi. I had no proof. But I knew.”

“And you did not tell me? Even when we had the first pregnancy scare?” I ask incredulously.

“What difference would it have made? You were so happy to be a papa, I did not have the heart to think that the child was Carlos’s. When she bled I thanked the blessed Virgin and waited for you to discover the truth.”

A truth that almost killed me. Or got my brother killed, should I say. The day I came home to find them in my bed, laughing and touching, I thought I would kill, I did.

And yet something stopped me from going that far. Maybe Nona is right and it was pride that hurt me, not actual love for Lena. I do not know. What I do know is that I have a daughter and a wife that I need and I don’t know how to tell them the truth.

I cannot keep it inside much longer. I refuse to adopt my own child and that is what I will have to do to make Gabby my heir, unless I acknowledge her as my flesh and blood. It also rankles that she calls me Santi and not papa.

“I still do not understand why they kept it a secret. Surely both Lena and Carlos knew that I would pay millions for Gabby. They could have taken everything, kept up their lifestyle instead of relying only on his monthly stipend.”

She snorts and curls her lips, her dislike of my brother and Lena clear when she crosses herself and seems to struggle to get her temper back under control.

“Hatred is a much more powerful emotion than greed, boy. They knew it was the worst thing they could do to a man like you, one who puts all value in family. They understood that nothing would hurt you more than keeping you from having the child you had always wanted. Do not ask why, Santiago, it is already done, child.”

“But what difference would it make, Nona? If I did not know about Gabby it would not hurt me.”

“Ah, but they knew! That is the point, Santiago. They knew that your child was out there and that you would never see her. That was what made them truly happy, taking from you. And now…they take from you again, boy,” she says sadly, clinking her glass to mine to get me to drink.

“Nona?” I ask, taking her hand when she sniffs and blinks away tears.

Nona is not one to cry and if she does, it is not often. I can only remember witnessing such a thing twice before, once when my grandfather Javi passed away and then the day I told her that Isabella had suffered a miscarriage and the baby was mine.

That day she cried silent tears that accused me with every drop that fell.

“Isabella is the perfect match for you, Santiago, did I not tell you this months ago?”

Yes. When I first met Bella, Nona was so happy, I think she started planning the wedding. She adored, still adores Bella and told me so. Her anger came when I refused to marry again and instead started sleeping with Bella.

At first she took it out on me, reviled me for my lack of honor and respect and when I refused to listen, she went after Bella. Not because she doesn’t still love her, trust me, Nona would be hard pressed to love anyone more than she loves Bella.

No, her aim was to drive her away from me before she was hurt by my lack of emotion. It didn’t work and to my eternal shame Nona still reminds me of my behavior.

“You did.”

“And did I not tell you to marry the girl, Santiago? I know, had you listened we would even now have a little baby under foot.” She sighs, her old age making tact non-existent, it seems.

I flinch, agreeing with her even with Bella’s denials of my culpability screaming in my head. I want to believe her so badly and know that I did not play an indirect hand in my child’s death but with Nona…she says it is easier to heal if you pull the thorn out quick.

I do not know if that applies here but as Isabella has told me, it cannot be changed so focus on the future. My future is Bella and Gabby, the continuation of our family.

I just pray she sees that.

“I agree with you, Nona. Isabella does not. She says that we cannot blame ourselves for what has been done, that it happened as it was always meant to,” I say softly, wanting it to be true.

The sting is lessened with the knowledge that she does not blame me, however, the guilt is still there.

“Of course not, Santiago. The woman loves you,” she says, laughing merrily. “The heart of a woman who loves is not angry and unforgiving.”

“She no longer loves me, Nona. She forgave me, has agreed that we can be happy together, but love…I killed that when I refused my own child out of fear and stubbornness,” I murmur, finishing off my wine to pour us more.

I give Nona a look when she taps her now empty glass and she cackles, shaking her head.

“Santiago, I am not a young one any more, boy, at this time in my life, I live only for what little pleasure I have. Those are wine, good food and family, ninõ.”

I sigh, accepting the truth of that statement and pour more, sitting back to be comfortable. She sighs and gives me that same indulgent look she’s treated me to all my life, as if I am still the senseless little boy she used to scold and threaten with boarding school.

“Santi, the girl loves you. Think, boy. If she did not, why agree to stay with you? Don’t use Gabby as an excuse. Isabella agreed to try before you had guarantees of Gabby coming home to us. You only proved paternity after Isabella agreed and for all she knew, it would not have been the right child.”

That is true and yet I cannot pin all my hope on it.

“Nona, she hated me. She told me so. Perhaps she has forgiven me and holds some affection for me but that is all,” I say tonelessly.

“Nonsense! Santiago, my dear boy, if it were me in her shoes and I had gone through what that girl went through, I would have spat in your eye and walked away upon seeing you. Isabella did not. She allowed herself to be moved into this position and agreed to help you because she wanted to. See what is right in front of your eyes, boy! Do not let the past rule the future. Isabella is a good, strong woman with values and a heart that needs to love. Let her love you.”

I want to, I do, but what would I do if I feel that love, only to have her walk away?

“What should I do, Nona?” I ask almost desperately.

“You tell the truth, boy, and then you pray that it is enough. If you loved her, Santiago, this would not be so hard. Women can forgive many things for love.”

I nod, not knowing what to say.

If I could love.