Jamaica

“Stop fidgeting.”

I scowl at Santiago and keep shifting in my heels, feeling uncomfortable as all hell in the off-white sheath dress and matching shoes. The judge, a kindly old guy who keeps smiling and jabbering at me in Spanish, is getting on my nerves, worse than the man beside me.

“I can’t help it. The dress you bought me is too small.”

“It’s the perfect size, you just don’t like wearing dresses,” he replies, continuing his lazy talk with the judge while I try to shift and alleviate the discomfort of having a piece of string wedged up my ass.

This dress is gorgeous, I can’t deny it and I don’t hate it but it’s so formfitting I couldn’t wear anything but the damn G-string under it and I hate, hate, hate having anything near my ass crack.

“Si.”

That’s about the only word I understand, the rest sounding more like blah, blah, blah and some reference to what I think may be a dolphin. Well, it sounds like possibly the only Spanish word I know.

He keeps talking in rapid fire Spanish and then they’re smiling and shaking hands and Santiago is turning to me to take my hand.

“He says the paperwork is all in order and that we are now officially married.”

Yeah, I kinda got that when I was told to respond a few minutes earlier with an I do, I think sourly, resisting the urge to pull away and walk out.

“Fine. Does this mean I can get the hell outta here and go find a crane to remove the dental floss from my ass?”

He laughs at that, his eyes blazing and shifting down to where my butt is on display and I have to shift away when that look makes my nipples peak and stand at attention.

“You look breathtaking in this dress.”

“Save it, I don’t care what I look like as long as things get done and we can get answers,” I murmur, breathing as levelly as I can when he leans in to softly kiss my cheek.

“I know. Perhaps it is just me who still can’t forget the nights we shared wrapped in each other’s arms, the passion, the way you clung to me when I took you beneath me and made love to every inch of your silken skin.” He purrs.

My breasts grow heavy immediately and it takes my everything to push away and resist him, my needs trying to override common sense.

“I haven’t forgotten a thing Santiago. Not the way I fell for your cons, not the results I had to deal with afterward and not the way you treated me. Let me tell you something, hear me well, the price I paid for that lapse in judgement wasn’t worth the pleasure we shared.”

I feel awful saying it. I know he’s not to blame for it all. I take my own share of the responsibility but, and here’s the important part that I try to remember always, he’s not the one who had to physically go through the pain of it.

I had to and I dealt with it all alone, only Cameron there to see me through what was the darkest period of my life. My cousin Emma was there too, always calling me, offering to leave college for a few weeks to come down and be with me.

I declined because I wasn’t in any fit state at the time and also because I couldn’t ask that of her. Like me, she grew up in a shitty situation, only her situation wasn’t for lack of money but rather that her parents had too much and treated her like the commodities they invested in.

Painfully shy as a result of her parents putting her on display as if she was an item on the auction block, Emma withdrew from the world to the point that even speaking to people became almost a phobia.

Anyway, she was there and so was Cameron. Santiago was gone, having forgotten about me the moment I refused to be just another body with commitment off the table.

Before Santiago, I’d have said yes, just lived my life the way I always had and been available whenever it was possible, something along the lines of the relationship I had with Brian.

Now, I can’t accept anything less than true commitment and devotion. I want what Mia has, a loving relationship, if not marriage, and the options that come with it. I want kids and a home that I can run because I always planned to be a full-time mom at some point.

For a while, I really thought I could have that with Santiago but the truth is that I never stood a chance. He’s too self-contained. I get his drama; I mean, Mia told me all about his wife running off with some guy who worked for him. I get that it must have hurt him, that his pride and sense of loss was overwhelming when he found out she had been pregnant.

Hell, I even understand that it would be hard for him to trust again but I did everything I could to earn that trust and he gave nothing in return. No options.

“The price you paid was shared, Isabella. Not a day has gone by that I do not think of how you suffered and I suffered, too,” he says softly, his tone so filled with need that I have to squash my natural reactions of offering comfort.

“You paid? You cut me off without a word and went on with your life. You think I didn’t hear from Mia that you were seen with this woman and that woman and practically a harem of lovers? I’m not stupid! You may think I’m gullible and I don’t blame you, not after the monumental fool I made of myself over you, but I know. You moved on as if it didn’t happen. I was the one who had to pick up all the pieces and keep moving,” I say, hating that the anger is still there.

If I could just get to that place where I don’t feel any more, I know it would be so easy to look at him and not feel torn apart.

I still want him, it’s a truth I can’t deny no matter how badly I want to.  Still want him, just him, and that hurts even more than all the other stuff because I know that it keeps me open to whatever he wants.

Will I have the strength to walk away from this when it’s over, I don’t know. What I do know is that he holds a power over me that I resent and refuse to yield to.

“I hurt! You think losing the way we did didn’t hurt me? It ripped me apart but I had to keep going. I have a family who depends on me, a duty to them that far exceeds anything I want. If I didn’t have to consider the ramifications of my every move I would have been with you.” He swears, slashing a hand through his hair when I smile snidely, shaking with anger.

“Aaaah, that hallowed family of yours. Tell me, Santiago, if your brother hadn’t died would you still be singing that tune? I think you would. Face it, you married your wife because she was exactly what your family wanted for you and you’ll keep going in that direction because you’re too cowardly to break away and be your own person. Family! You had a duty to your family? What about the family-” I choke, stopping him with a slash of my hand when he tries to touch me.

“You didn’t give a shit.”

“I loved-”

“You didn’t even believe I was telling the truth,” I yell, shuddering against the need to cry.

Santiago flinches and I grin mirthlessly when he pales and steps back with a frown.

“This is getting us nowhere.”

No, I don’t guess it is, I think, closing my eyes to collect myself.

“You’re right. We need to stick to business and get things done as quickly as possible. We’re married. That’s step one, now I just have to get that appointment so we can get into the records and pray that they have comprehensive details on that kid.”

I turn to walk away before he can say anything else and slide into the car with a sigh of relief when he doesn’t follow immediately.

This isn’t going to end well. I can feel it and when my gut tells me something, it’s usually a good idea to listen.

Santiago slides into the car not long after, probably thanking the judge for expediting things so quickly and I keep my eyes facing forward when the door closes and he puts the privacy window up.

“I understand your anger-”

“You understand nothing.” I cut in, breathing deeply to stop the renewed anger from rising up.

“I do, but I doubt you would listen to me if I explained so I won’t even try right now. We have time to talk things through and talk we will,” he warns, ignoring the shake of my head. “For now I think we should just both agree to a truce and leave the past where it is. In the past.”

I totally second that. I am wrung out and holding onto my composure by a thread.

“Truce. Great. So let’s talk about the meeting.”

“It is set for three days from now. A friend has agreed to fast track the applications. The process is relatively simple. They’ll screen us first and then the call should come in by Friday the latest, after which we will set up a time and day for meeting with the social workers and other parties. All we have right now is the possibility of getting into their records but it’s enough if it gives us just one starting point,” he says tiredly, scrubbing at his face.

I shouldn’t pity him, hell, I shouldn’t care at all, but the longer I look at him the more I feel…something. I may not like him but the man is searching for his blood and in my book that’s a lot more than most would do. Shit, it’s more than my parents did.

The only true friend I had was Aunt Sue and she was a whole country away. She knew where I was while my parents just went on with life as if me leaving at sixteen wasn’t more than a little blip that signaled their own need for survival to rear up, barely.

I respect his drive for family, maybe that’s why I can’t decide if I’m more approving of what he’s doing here or hurt that it was only me who didn’t make the cut.

“Okay, great. I’ll call my friend Bill and put him on the background checks as soon as we find out who has your niece.”

I’ll have to use one of the favors the idiot owes me but if it will get me out of Santiago’s sphere sooner, then I’ll consider it a good investment.

He nods, staring at me with a gleam in his eye.

“Your life before this…Mia, personal protection, it must have been quite tough.”

Yeah. Being a cop wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. It’s dangerous, frustrating and above all else, it eats at everything else in your life. One of the reasons I quit was Sue.

The constant danger of being shot at and having criminals threaten you if you didn’t play ball put my family, Sue and Emma under a lot of strain. So I gave it up and I don’t regret it. I liked personal protection and the bottom line is that it made me money, enough to have a healthy nest egg and start at retirement.

“It was fine, just didn’t leave much room for anything else. I wanted to protect and serve while the higher ups wanted to serve, their own interests.”

“Were you never afraid of being caught in the crossfire, exposed to that element of criminality?” he asks his tone conversational.

I want to ignore the question but I can’t. For a long time, I wanted him to show some interest in me, what I did, the reasons behind some of the things I’ve done and the choices I made.

Santiago has never once shown an interest but to point out to me that he didn’t think it was a woman’s place to live that kind of life.

“Yes, I’m not infallible, of course it was scary. But I also know that I am incredibly good at my job and I’m smart. I cross all the t’s and dot the i’s before I go into situations where I might get my head blown off. At least I did. Now I’m just a pencil pusher looking into cases on a freelance basis,” I murmur, looking at the passing scenery.

“Why did you leave Mia and Luc? If it was to be safer then I would argue that you were safest with them and all the security they have around them.”

Like that even matters and no, I don’t give two hoots about my personal safety. I have a gun and I know how to use it. It’s pretty damn simple, point and squeeze the trigger.

“I left because I needed a new start and to get away from you. I love Mia and her family, I do, but if you’re part of that equation, I’d really rather not factor into it on any level.”

I keep it honest even if saying these kinds of things is not in my character. I don’t like being mean, I just hate being an asshole worse.

Santiago sighs and rubs at his mouth while looking out of the window to his left.

“I appreciate that, Isabella, but surely you can put it all behind you and at least remain friends? We shared enough that I feel uncomfortable having you leave a life you loved because of me.”

“And I don’t feel that it’s any of your business what I do. I’m staying in Italy indefinitely while I work with the Halifax people. Who knows, maybe I’ll find myself an Italian stallion and stick around permanently.”

He goes tense when I suggest that I would have another lover and seeing him get angry makes something inside me happy. I shouldn’t taunt him but I really enjoy riling him, it’s basically all I have left, and if it’s between hurting or being hurt while we’re stuck together, the vengeful bitch in me chooses to hurt him.

“We’ll be staying at the vineyard while we wait for the meeting. I hope you’re open to Nona being there with us,” he says, changing the subject.

I like his Nona and then I also don’t like her. It’s a bad situation. She was a great, friendly, smiling presence for two whole weeks while I was in Spain, always talking to me and Mia, being helpful, trying to teach us Spanish.

I even watched those telenovelas with her and really got into them. It was like watching soaps but on steroids. Not exactly my thing but she was good company and then I sort of got addicted to them.

She was so nice. And then she found out I was sleeping with her grandson - talk about a complete three sixty. It was so sudden, I swear I saw her head whip around on her neck, all the way around.

Mia laughed about it when she dubbed us both as ‘those American girls’ because unlike me, Mia doesn’t give a shit about what people think of her. She’s a smart cookie who prefers to insult first and lie to herself about what she does, that way she isn’t eaten up by guilt.

Me, I got to feel like hell and sneak around the hallways after that because I didn’t want her to see me going to Santiago’s room.

It wasn’t long after she made her opinion of me known that Santiago started pulling away and by then it was already time to go home so it didn’t make a difference what I said to him or how I felt.

It was over. At least until we saw each other again at Mia’s wedding. Then my brain just magically forgot that he let his grandmother call me a whore and a gold digger. It forgot that Santiago hurt me and let me walk away without a flinch because all I was and could ever be to him is a body.

With the alcohol swirling in my blood and love in the air, I fell. Again. Only this time instead of having a hard landing, I hit concrete, after I hit boulders and jagged ledges further up.

I was practically beaten and bloody when he left the second time, taking everything I’d been holding close to my heart with him. Brian was there, though, my dear Brian with his strong arms and the unconditional love he felt for me.

I don’t blame him for what happened later, I can’t. He wasn’t in a good place, in a good state of mind and things just went wrong.

I held him when…

But I won’t think about that now, I can’t. All I can do is keep myself focused and promise myself that I won’t let Santiago hurt me again. It can’t happen because what I feel for him now is hate.

“I won’t stay in the same house as your grandmother so no, that’s not happening. I also won’t be living with you. I’ll get a room in that little pensionè close by.”

“But this is ridiculous! Why should you pay to live in a cramped little room when you can enjoy the luxury of my home? We are married-”

“It’s a white wash situation. We’re married on paper so we can do what needs doing, but as for living with you, not happening.”

Oh hell no, that’s not happening. Lying alone in bed at night with my brain fully aware that he’s just a few doors down? Not a recipe for success.

He straightens in the seat and I do believe he’s about to hand me a lecture worthy of his considerable wealth and position when the car stops and the driver opens the door.

“We will discuss this upstairs.” He growls.

“Nothing to discuss. I’m not staying at your house.”

We walk inside and take the elevator in silence with Santiago brooding silently and I sigh when we get inside, knowing that this isn’t over even as I walk towards the room I’ve taken in the suite.

“You’re unreasonable.”

I spin around, my fists clenching, the white dress floating around my ankles and face him across the room. He’s by the couch, his hands pushed into his pockets in a stance that reminds me of Luc when he gets exasperated with Mia.

“I am not. Firstly, your grandmother hates me. I might like her, silly me, but she doesn’t want me around, polluting her perfect little boy. Another thing! I do not want to be that close. This is work, Santiago, not us having a holiday and playing house. I want separation from the start.”

Definitely separation because the man is not ugly, at all, and my eyeballs know it. And they talk to my vagina, snub my brain and completely proxy the decision by bringing my boobs into play in their corner.

In short, I’m just brainless enough to sleep with him again. Bad, bad idea.

“This cannot work! We need to put on a front of a happily married couple who are desperate for children, not show everyone that we’re doomed to fail before we begin.” He’s rankled and stalks to the minibar to remove a bottle of water.

“Those things are expensive.”

“I can afford it! Isabella, you are not a fool, you know this cannot work without your full cooperation.”

Shit and monkey turds, I hate it when he’s right and I’m…weak. It makes for a bad start all round and puts me on the back foot, what with my body still liking him.

“Fine. I’ll sleep in the other wing, possibly in the room next to your grandmother so it’s ‘seemly’.”

“And have the staff gossip? No, Isabella, for the next while we are to be the perfect partners who laugh and share passion and closeness. I want everyone to see this and know the truth of it.”

“Truth? Are you nuts? We’re going for an interview in three days and then we’ll have an address and a name and we’ll get your niece. This will be over in the next week. What the heck do we have to pretend for? We go in, you sneak around like a common thief while I pretend my bladder is the size of a pea and presto, we have the file and what we need to know. You go get her, establish rights over whoever has her and we’re done. Cut and dried and all neatly wrapped in a bow,” I say, liking the idea that I can get this done fast so I don’t have to see him anymore.

I like that idea a lot.

“What if we do not find anything there and we need to be approved elsewhere?” he asks.

That stops my brain functioning for a good solid second before I take a breath and pray for a better outcome.

“You said she was there.”

“I said that is where the trail ended.”

“You mean you don’t know what happened to her after that,” I say in conclusion, kicking myself because I know this, I was just hoping to ignore it and that it wouldn’t be that way.

“No, I do not know and that is why I have cleared my schedule for the next month or more.”

“A month or more! No way, no. I am not spending that amount of time stuck with you. Can’t we just hire-”

“No one else can know of this until everything is done, Isabella. I am a wealthy man. If whoever has taken her knows that I have money, they could use her to extort me and capitalize on the situation. At best, I will only have a battle on my hands gaining custody.”

He’s right. I know a lot of people who’d have seen dollar signs attached to a kid, my own parents being two shining examples just off the top of my head.

I’d bail and tell him to go to hell but the thought of a little kid being used that way sickens me, as does the thought that his family, and Santiago himself, will never see that kid if I don’t find her.

I’m not into tooting my own horn for nothing but I am damn good at playing detective and I know I can find her. Problem is I have to suffer while doing it.

“Fine, but separate rooms are not a negotiation. I will not sleep with you.”

He grins, that slow, easy smile coming back because he’s getting his way, as always, and I have to grit my teeth to stop from saying something that won’t help the situation.

“I do not recall you being this averse to my presence, Bella. In fact, I recall many a night when we’d hardly been apart for an hour after dinner before you were crawling into my bed, ravenous for my body.”

“Yeah? And I remember you having sex with me and telling me to leave before I fell asleep,” I quip, smiling with teeth while he drops his amusement and glares.

“The situation was not…right. We are married now.”

Jesus, give me the strength not to hurt him, I ask, twisting my mouth to hold in a snarl of anger.

“We’re not married, we’re in a partnership that’s ending the minute I find that kid. Get it into your thick skull. I am not sleeping with you to pass the time while we search.”

Oh, but I want to. My slutty half really wants to. I like sex, always have, and going without it for months is not a condition I enjoy. Too bad for me I have the distinct fear of pregnancy and an undeniable hatred for men at the moment.

Santiago shrugs easily, shredding that inner female confidence that most of us women have. You know what I’m talking about, the idiot who preens and enjoys being chased and constantly harangued by men because even if it’s annoying, it’s nice to know that you’re sexy, and wanted.

“Fair enough. You do not think you can sleep in a bed with me and keep your hands to yourself. I understand, Bella.” He purrs.

What! No, that’s not what I said at all, but the oaf turns to pick up the landline and gives me his back before I can gasp out a rejection, leaving me seething and angry. At myself. For even daring to speak to him like a human being.

I turn with a huff, ignoring everything around me and storm to my room to rip the dress off and have a calming, cool shower. When I’m dressed in cool linen slacks, an off white, sleeveless shell and leather flats, I decide that the easiest way to get my head screwed back on right is to talk to a guy who knows why I should hate Santiago.

“Tell me I don’t need to clean up a crime scene and I’ll be good,” Cameron drawls as an answer on the third ring.

I grin, shifting on the bed and sucking my teeth.

“Not yet but it’s close, Cam, real close,” I admit.

“What did he do now?”

“What did he do? We had to get married, married. To pose as a couple for an adoption thingy, and then he made me wear an actual dress and someone took photos.” I grumble, my thoughts jumbled because I’m wondering if they can sub that as my line up photo if I do kill Santiago.

Good thoughts that make me smile.

“Married! Jay, baby, are you out of your mind? This is the guy who used you as a sex doll for weeks, kicked your ass back to Cali and then showed up at the wedding for a rerun. A one-night rerun. I was there when you found out you were pregnant, babe, and I was there when things went downhill. Shit, I was there for it all.”

I hear his anger and trust me, I feel it too. Inside I’m raging and angry and also so very unsure about why I let this happen. That’s why I’m talking to Cam. Nothing makes things clear like a friend who isn’t afraid to call you a moron.

“Yeah, well I was there too and yet I woke up this morning, got dressed and did it anyway. There is definitely something wrong with me, Cam. Is it natural to hate someone and want their body too?” I muse, wincing when he curses.

“You remember Brian-”

“Of course I do! He was my best friend, Cameron, the man who looked after me when I had no one. I’m not likely to forget the only man who’s ever loved me unconditionally.” I hiss, feeling guilty because that man died because of me.

“Loved you unconditionally? Jay, he was a fucking psycho. I love my brother, God knows I always will, but what he did…” he trails off and I hear a catch in his voice while my throat thickens up.

“He was in a bad place. I should have been a better friend, Cam,” I say quietly because I do really believe that.

I need to believe that or I don’t know how I’d deal with what happened in a sane and rational way. After I lost Brian, as bad as the circumstances were, I had to hold on to what I had, what we’d had together and the only way to do that was to tell myself that he’d made a mistake. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He didn’t mean to scare me and make me cry. He was just in a bad place and he would never have hurt me intentionally.

“Better friend? Jay, you were the best friend he ever had! What happened with Harley was a wakeup call that none of us looked at because it was easier not to see how bad he was. You kept him even for a long time, Jamaica, so long that even my folks thought he was doing well.”

I sigh, hating that he’s right. When Brian was younger he had this thing for a classmate at boarding school. Harley Brighton was one of his friends and as far as I know from Mia and Luc, a good guy.

It’s really funny how small the world is. If not for Mia I would never have known who Harley really is. For years I thought it was a girl but it turns out, no, it was a dude and I think, now, knowing it all, that Brian really was in love with him.

Like true, obsessive love. While we were together, Brian was okay, that’s true, but when I left and came back, half broken from Santiago, things started changing with Brian in a bad way.

At first I thought he was just angry that Santiago had hurt me. That’s what friends do, right? They defend you and smack talk the idiot who broke your heart.

Soon it became so much more. He’d rant about Santiago all the time and yell at me to forget about him. He’d try to kiss me, even when I told him I didn’t want sex, that I couldn’t do casual friendship sex because I loved someone else.

After that…

I don’t want to think about what came after because it still hurts but what I can think is that I refuse to hate Brian. He wasn’t right, he did hurt me but in the end he was still my friend and I loved him. I will always love him.

“I made him tip, though.”

“No, baby, you were just in the line of fire when he went over. It’s no good blaming yourself for his actions, Jay. He took from you. Don’t take away his responsibility because he’s gone, babe.”

I groan, rubbing at my head and feel all the sadness slip away with Cam’s words, returning me to that even keeled place I like, the one where I don’t think about stuff that hurts because, logically, I know nothing will change it, so why hang on.

“I don’t know what to do, Cam. I’m stuck in this situation. I need to find a kid.”

“What?”

“Yeah, man. If I tell you this I need absolute secrecy, Cam.”

He pauses and I can practically hear him thinking before I hear him sigh again and the rustling of a sheet. He’s probably in bed right now, I think with a grin.

“Okay, total confidentiality here, Jay. What’s up?”

“Well, Santiago had a brother, Carlos, who was some sort of wild child. He had a baby with a woman who left and never told anyone. Carlos died in a car accident or something years ago and then recently the woman passed away, too. The grandmother had some sort of epiphany, guilty conscience or whatever, and contacted the family to let them know about the kid,” I tell him, thinking about what that must have been like for them all.

It’s one thing to never know, but to actually have knowledge that your blood is out there and not know where they are must be horrible.

“So this kid…”