Santiago

I’m feeling good as I make my way through the back yard, bypassing the pool and hopping over one of Gabby’s little dolls that she’s left out again, my mouth tipping into a smile when I think of the night to come and the pleasures I have experienced after Bella made me stop pushing happiness away.

The last few weeks have been some of the happiest of my life and for the first time I come home feeling as if I have finally achieved my dream.

I gave up on what I wanted for myself a long time ago, believing that I could not have love or the family I wanted because I would never trust another woman again.

Bella has changed all that and besides feeling as if I’ve made reparations for Gabby’s past, a guilt that weighed on my mind and made it hard for me to connect with her.

With that guilt gone, thanks to my loving wife, I now feel free to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. For me, I hope they fall in my favor because tonight I have decided to confess my lies to Bella and hope that she loves me enough to understand why I did it.

I’ve thought about it long and hard over the last few weeks and I finally know that the reason I didn’t tell the truth to begin with is because I wanted her to want me, just me, before I dangled a family under her nose.

Bella may not have known me that well before our marriage, but I know her. Her greatest dream is not to be a super star cop, or ex-cop. It’s not even to have riches or a career that spans a life time.

Bella has always wanted a family who she can love and care for and feel loved in return. It is the one thing her own parents denied her before they died and it’s what she has always sought.

For me, Gabby was a carrot that I did not want to use to draw Bella in. I wanted to be the lure, the bait, the thing she wanted most and, yes, I admit that it was my pride that fucked it all up for me. Stupid pride that I now know has also kept me from allowing myself to feel.

And I do feel, I think. I cannot say that I am in love, I honesty do not know how that feels it’s been so long, but I care deeply for my wife and all I want is the possibility of a real future with her and our child, children if we’re lucky.

I want to be open with her and make this life we have together a real one, not just me being the provider and keeping everyone separated in boxes because it’s easier for me.

Smiling, grimacing a little too, I amble into the house only to stop dead when Nona walks out of her sitting room and glares at me, her wrinkled face holding so many emotions it’s hard for me to discern any one separately.

She is angry, definitely angry, when she stamps her cane and lets out a hard growl.

“What did you do to Isa! Why has she suddenly left us for a week?” she asks.

I still, my confusion overcoming the happiness I feel and tilt my head when my heart drops.

“Gone? Where? We haven’t had words, Nona! You know this, you were at breakfast this morning,” I say.

“Then why leave? She was in her office all morning only for Garsella to tell me she saw tears on Isa’s face before she ran upstairs. By the time I heard this, she had left and not an hour ago a young man turned up with this.”

She hands me an envelope and inside I find her car keys and a note telling me were to get the car. The airport.

“When? When did she leave Nona?” I ask, my mind racing with possibilities.

If she’s gone to California then there are a number of reasons, many of which could be a friend needing her to…

I have no idea, I think running a hand through my hair to stop myself from losing my mind.

“Early, Santiago. She left well before noon and hasn’t answered any of my calls. I tried to phone you but your number went straight to voicemail.”

“My battery ran dead. I only realized when I got back to the office and Dante told me you’d been calling. I didn’t think it was urgent.”

She nods, seems to deflate and then sits heavily in the chair against the wall.

“Perhaps it was an emergency and she will call to explain. I think I heard her talking to her cousin a few days ago. She’s in a tizzy about an internship or some such thing and wanted Isa to tell her what to do.”

I know, I spoke with Bella about it just last night before bed and told her that if Emma needed anything, a job, just a break, she is more than welcome here with us.

I don’t know what the hell is going on but as far as I’m concerned, I went to bed last night with my passionate, loving wife and woke this morning to the same.

This is coming out of the blue for me.

“I’ll check her office, maybe she left a note for me.” I say, stalking away quickly.

I find the door unlocked and frown because Bella always locks it due to the sensitive files she keeps in here. The room is empty, completely devoid of even her scent and I’m confused and more than a little concerned when I see her desktop still on.

Bella doesn’t do things like this. Her office is always secure and her computer is always off and password protected due to the information she holds.

I scan the desktop but see nothing out of the ordinary and then a stack of papers catches my eye. I sit, pulling them closer and start to read, hesitant at first because I don’t ever want to be the guy who oversteps where her job is concerned.

I may pay her salary, be her boss for all intents and purposes, but she’s got the right to her work being private and-

“Shit.”

I read fast, the more I see the more anxious I get and by the time I get to the translated DNA proving paternity I’m rattled. Coming up to my feet fast, I shove the papers into her drawer and leave the office at a run, taking the stairs two at a time.

Luc answers on the first ring and starts questioning me immediately.

“Please God, Santiago tell me you did not keep it all from her.”

“I did not know how to tell her at first and then I felt trapped in the lie, Luc. I was going to speak to her tonight and put it all out on the table,” I say, searching though my drawers for my passport as I send a quick text to my pilot.

“She was on the phone with her girls this morning. Mia was notably upset after the call but refused to tell me anything and then Fran called and they spoke for a long time an hour ago.”

“She had me investigated, Lucenzo. I found the report on her desk, it’s all there. Carlos and Lena, my divorce, Gabby’s paternity. She isn’t going to forgive me for this.” I groan, ignoring the packing I should do to push back down the stairs where Nona grabs my arm to stop me.

“Hang on, Luc. Nona, I need to go.”

“You go nowhere, Santiago Alvarez. You have a child to care for and right now her mama is not here. She will need her papa to reassure and comfort her,” she says, refusing to let go of me.

“She is right, Santiago. As much as I want you to find Jamaica, you cannot just leave that little girl without explanation. Take the night to calm down and then make your plans in the morning.”

I don’t want to agree, I want to fight and snarl at them to leave me alone, but I cannot deny that what they say is true. I have more to think about than myself and Bella right now, even if the thought of leaving things this way pains me.

“I will wait but, Luc, you promise to call me if Mia hears anything,” I demand, closing my eyes when he hesitates.

“I owe my loyalty to Jamaica. She was there for me and Mia when we needed her. I won’t go against what she wants, even if I don’t agree,” he warns.

“What she wants is me to hurt, I understand that and part of me agrees but she will only hurt more if we leave things unresolved. Please, Lucenzo, don’t make it harder for me than it already is.”

“Fine,” he mutters so harshly I almost grin.

There was a time not too long ago that the man could not stand the sight of me because he thought I would take his love from him. Now we tolerate each other because I will never lose Mia’s friendship if I can help it and Luc won’t risk her wrath hurting me.

“Thank you. Call me.”

I sigh when he mutters a yes and turn to Nona who is standing there staring at me with a frown.

“Oh my child, I told you to tell her the truth before the lie gained so much power.” She sighs, waving for me to follow her when all I can do is drop my head down in shame.

“I was going to tonight, Nona. It was going to be tonight,” I say, hopelessness and the creeping specter of loss crushing down on me.

We sit, she in her customary chair and me on the larger sofa. Gabby skips in dressed in her night clothes, her smile bright until she looks around and back to me with a frown.

“Where is Jamaica?”

I pull her onto the couch beside me and swallow, my chest tight when she looks up at me trustingly, her eyes so like mine holding a measure of fear.

“I would like to talk to you, Gabby, about how we found you and…some things that I should have told you and Jamaica from the start.”

Hell, this isn’t easy. Especially when she seems to stiffen her spine and hold herself up as if expecting bad news.

“Your…the woman who gave birth to you was a lady called Lena. A long time ago, she was my wife and we lived together here at the villa with your uncle Carlos and your Nona,” I start, my mind racing as I try to think of the best way to say everything I need to.

“When I was married for only a short time she…we thought she might have a baby but it wasn’t true. She didn’t…” I look at Nona helplessly and she nods, trying to smile through eyes wet with unshed tears. “She liked your uncle Carlos better than she liked me you see so she didn’t want to have a baby and make a family with me.”

Gabby frowns, her little face scrunching in confusion before she shakes her head sagely.

“But a lady is supposed to love her husband. Even Mina loves Miguel and they always yell,” she says frowning. “This Lena…did she make you sad?” she asks, lifting a hand to touch my cheek. “I do not think I like her if she made you sad, even if she is my mama.”

I clear my throat when she says this, the lump forming there making speaking difficult.

“Yes, she did make me sad. And angry. I was angry when she told me she liked Carlos more so I told her to leave here and never come back.”

“Good. If she was still here then I wouldn’t have Jamaica for a mama. Where is she?”

Shit.

“Jamaica had to go somewhere for a few days but it will be alright, Nona promised to read you your bedtime stories until she comes back,” I say, grinning when Nona grunts, realizing her late night wine tasting with Consuela will have to be pushed back an hour or two.

“Okay.”

“Ahem. What I have to tell you might make you angry. Jamaica was very cross that I didn’t tell her either and I understand why. I was afraid to tell anyone in case you blamed me or thought I wasn’t a good…”

I pause, not knowing how to say this and wishing Bella was here right now. She is so much better at this sort of thing than I am and she’d have just the right words.

“When Lena left here I did not know that she had a baby in her tummy. I, she did not tell me and, it was a very hard time for us all. Your Uncle Carlos was not…well, we were so, busy. Then your mama and Uncle Carlos had an accident and they died and for a long time I didn’t know that you had been born. When I found out, I asked Jamaica to help me find you and she did. You know she is very clever at solving clues, yes?” I say, hesitating when she nods and tilts her head inquisitively.

“Yes. She likes the hard ones because she says they are more…awarding.”

“Rewarding,” I correct, smiling when she ducks her head, those skinny legs swinging to and fro. “Yes. She found you for me and do you know why it was so important that we find you? Why I had to find you and why I was so sad when it took long?” I ask, swallowing the nerves away and straightening much as Gabby did when she was trying to be strong.

“Because we are family?”

“Yes, mi ninã, but more than that, I found out that I am your papa, not Carlos. Your…Lena’s mama came to me and told me that you had been born and that they had taken you away to live in another place where I could not find you. This made me very sad and I knew that I had to find you because I am your papa and I, I love you very much Gabby,” I say brokenly, closing my eyes because I had planned this so much differently.

I thought I would have spoken to Bella and after she kicked my ass and yelled a lot, perhaps she’d have forgiven me and held my hand through this.

She’d have kissed me, smiled through her tears and hugged me as well as Gabby and then she’d have scathingly told Nona that she loves her too. A little. And then we’d all have eaten cookies and milk - a favorite of Bella’s - while watching the Wizard of Oz for the tenth time - Gabby’s favorite.

Without her here I just feel raw and exposed and it’s as Gabby throws herself into my arms and hugs me that I know, I messed up badly.

“I am so glad you are my papa. I wanted a mama and papa my whole life, not like Mina and Miguel but ones like you and Jamaica. You play board games with me and teach me to swim and Jamaica takes care of me and hugs me a lot because she wants to. She even takes me to the doctor to make me feel better and I know she is scared of them,” she whispers into my neck, her tiny arms winding there tightly.

“Because she is your mama. It doesn’t matter that she did not carry you in her tummy, Gabby, she is your mama and she is coming back and we’ll be a family.”

“Even Nona?” she asks, making me laugh when she points out that Nona and Bella like to tease each other, by which I take it to mean that they snipe good naturedly.

“Yes, even Nona.” I laugh, ignoring her sniff before she grunts and wipes at her eyes.

“You said J-mama is angry?”

“Yes, you see I did not tell her that you are my daughter. I was afraid to because a long time ago mama had a baby in her tummy also but she had an accident and the baby was no more. I thought she would be sad if she…I don’t know. I just did not want her to be sad. Mama found out today and she is angry that I did not tell her.”

“But she will stop being angry and come home?” she asks anxiously, her fear making my own double and writhe inside me.

“Of course she will. Mama loves us, Gabby, and when a mama loves her family, she doesn’t just leave them. I will go to Mama tomorrow and help her do what she must and then we will come home and maybe, if you are a really good girl I can convince Mama to give you a little brother or sister.”

She considers this seriously for long moments before nodding.

“Okay. A sister. I don’t like boys, they like to pick in their noses.”

That’s it, I realize when she kisses my cheek and jumps down to run to Nona who welcomes her with open arms. They sit together for a while, Nona bringing out her knitting, an unhealthy orange mess that makes my eyes water and then, when Gabby has nodded off, the knitting boring her to sleep, I carry her upstairs and tuck her in, chuckling at Nona’s genius methods of child rearing.

She firmly believes nothing can put a child to sleep the way knitting can and it looks like that is exactly the case with Gabby.

Once she’s tucked in, I head downstairs, ignoring dinner and instead take a bottle of wine outside to the pool where I try to call Bella three times before giving up and drinking the bottle.

I fall asleep there, under the stars knowing that I need her. I want her. I can’t live without her.

Because I have done the one thing I never thought I could.

I have fallen in love with my wife.