Declan
Before you get the wrong idea about me, I want to offer you a peek into the future. I'm not sixteen anymore, I'm twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. I graduated college and got my bachelor's degree last year, and now I'm in seminary school with plans to become a priest.
Why? Well, they say God works in mysterious ways.
That's kind of a cop out, so here's the real answer. I fucked up really bad in college. I mean, yeah, I graduated, but my first few years are basically one giant regret. That's what I'm supposed to tell you, because I'm in seminary school with plans to become a priest, but it's not really the truth. I wouldn't say this out loud, but...
After growing up in a small town, college was an experience to say the least. I dated girls easily, and by that I mean I was having sex with a new girl every other week. Sometimes every week. It's not like I wanted to hurt them, but I didn't really understand restraint. Especially because the one girl that I wanted to have sex with basically would never have sex with me. It's funny how that happens. Instead of trying to make it work, putting in the effort to somehow appeal to her better interest, I just said fuck it and had sex with a girl at a party that I barely knew.
It's not that I wanted to. I mean, yeah, the sex was good. I'm not going to say it was amazing or anything, but it was good. Even bad sex is pretty great, because who doesn't like orgasms?
I know what you're thinking, and you're probably saying something like: "Declan, why didn't you go after the girl that you wanted to be with?"
Which is some real romantic bullshit if I ever heard it. When did I say I wanted to be with her? I didn't. I said I wanted to have sex with her and we basically could never have sex. I'm not going to get into it more than that, but there's a lot going on there, and it's complicated. Trust me.
So... I fucked up a lot, somehow managed to never get into trouble for underage drinking, broke a ton of girls hearts, had some one night stands, and...
"Declan, do you love me?" this one girl asks after we have mindblowingly average sex. Her name is Samantha.
The sex was a little above average, and probably the best I'd had in a long time, but nothing like what you'd read about in a romance novel. I'm talking the really good romance novels, too. I know the kind of shit some of you read. I may have read one or two here and there, too. I don't have to explain myself to you.
Anyways, what I say to Samantha is, "I don't think we should see each other again."
"What?" she asks. "Is that a joke?"
"Not really," I tell her. "Why do you think I'd fall in love with you after only dating you for three weeks?"
"I thought we had a real connection!" she says. And to top it off, she adds, "Asshole!"
Samantha ends up storming out of the room, which is awkward because it's her dorm room. I kind of sit there, trying to figure out what to do. I put my clothes back on and wait around a little until her roommate comes back. Ally looks at me and shakes her head.
"Hey, loser," she says.
I actually like Ally. She's pretty cool. Also she hooked me and Samantha up. I tried hooking up with Ally, but she rejected me.
"Hey, what's up?" I say to her.
"Can you leave? Sam is waiting around in the hallway. She said you broke up with her and she stormed out, but now she doesn't know how to come back in until you're gone."
"Yeah, you know, I'm not the one who told her to do that. I could have left."
"Well, yeah, so get out."
"Do you still want to study tomorrow?" I ask her.
"Sure, but I'm not going to tell Sam. Let's just meet up in the library."
Samantha is a nice girl, but I'm pretty sure she's never been in a library in her life. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her or anything. I like her well enough, and the sex was mindblowingly average, so there's that. She's just, uh... not the brightest, as evidenced by the fact that she stormed out of her dorm room after I broke up with her instead of kicking me out.
I leave and head down the hall. Samantha sneaks around the corner, hoping I don't see her. I do, but I pretend not to. A few seconds later I hear her dorm room door open and slam shut, then Ally's yelling at her not to slam the door. I don't know what happens after that, because I'm in the stairwell heading down to my floor.
Suddenly my phone rings. Oh, yeah, that was in my pocket, huh? Good place for it. Also who the fuck is calling me? Do people even talk on the phone anymore? I just text everyone, but here I am getting a phone call, so I guess I should answer it.
I look at the screen quick to see who it is and then I stop in my tracks. I nearly fall down the stairs I stop so fast. Stumbling and getting to the bottom, then heading out the door into my hall, I hurry to my room. I answer my phone halfway there so the person on the other end doesn't just give up and never talk to me again.
"Hey," I say. "What's up?"
Yeah, uh... I say that to basically everyone, but I probably shouldn't. I mean, it works for most people, but not everyone. Fuck if I know.
"Is this Declan?" she says.
"Maddy, yes, it's me," I say.
"Oh," Maddy says. "You sound different."
It's quiet after that. What am I supposed to say? No, Maddy, I don't sound different? Yeah...
"How is college?" she asks, trying to make conversation.
Oh, you know, it's great. I just had sex with a girl and then told her I never wanted to see her again. I'm a nice guy like that. How's everything with you, Maddy?
I don't say any of that. Instead, I say, "Everything's going well. How about you?"
"Um... Declan, are you sure? I had a dream, and... I know that college can get a little intense sometimes. I'm not saying that you shouldn't enjoy life or experience new things, but..."
"Wait, Maddy, hold up. You had a dream? About what?"
"About you, Declan. I think it was a warning sign. I just... I know that you grew up differently, but God sees everything, Declan, and I don't want you to do anything you'll regret. I just wanted to call you, to talk. Like we used to, you know? I miss you, Declan."
Maddy never found out about my tirade to a priest when I was sixteen, by the way. At least I don't think she did. How fucking awkward would that be?
"Maddy, I'm fine, I promise," I say to her.
Except as soon as I say it, I kind of realize it's not true. At least as far as she's concerned. It's hard to relate to someone like her sometimes. It's like, yeah, I almost get it, but then I don't. I seriously can't even understand it, no matter how hard I try.
Maddy's saving herself for marriage. She's told me so, over and over again. Declan, she says, I can't wait until I find the man intended for me, so that we can get married and become intimate within the sanctity of a husband and wife.
She volunteers with her church. I guess it's my church, too. I haven't been in awhile. I'm at college, remember? Whenever I go back home for winter vacation or whatever, I end up going on Sunday, though. It's not that I hate church or anything. I kind of like it now. It's just hard to relate to. No sex until marriage? Uh, yeah... I kind of fucked that one up about twenty times already...
Maddy sings in the church choir, too. This isn't especially holy or anything, but it basically solidifies her place as an angel. Pretty fucking sure that every time I've heard her sing, every time I sat in the pews and watched her from afar, she glowed. It's not even just the light shining through the stained glass windows high above, either. She literally looks radiant every time she sings. She used to practice sometimes when we were home alone and no matter where she was, even in the bathroom singing into the mirror, she shined brilliantly.
She makes lunch for homeless people and then goes around delivering it to them. Who the fuck does that? Maddy does.
She's basically a perfect angel and here I am fucking around in college. I doubt I'm the worst person ever, but I'm an obvious sinner compared to Madelaine the Saint.
"Hey, Maddy?" I say during a lull in our conversation. She's still worried for me, and I don't want her to worry about me.
"Yes?"
"I know this seems kind of sudden, but I was thinking of going to seminary school after I get my bachelor's degree this year. Don't tell mom and dad, though. I don't want to make a big deal about it."
"Wait, what!" she says, giddy. "Really? Are you serious?"
"I don't know, I mean... I helped out a lot at church, right? And here you are worrying about me, so... I wouldn't have said anything, but sometimes I think about it, and I do want to be a better person. You're an angel, so I figure the least I can do is become a priest."
"I'm not an angel, Declan!" she says, laughing. "I know you're a good person, too. I think if this is your calling and if this is what you think you should do, then... I think it's good. I think it's great! I'm so happy for you."
To be honest, I didn't know I wanted to be a priest until just then. It's not even that I wanted that specifically. It's really not about being a priest, it's more about being a better person, and that's the best version of me I could think of.
I wouldn't tell her this. I probably wouldn't tell anyone this.
I want Maddy to be proud of me. I want her to think I'm special. Even if we can't--
Nah, I'm not even going to think that one. I can't. It's kind of fucked up, and that's the opposite of what I'm going for right now. I'm trying to be good.
I want to be a good person.