Ashley
My mom and I go shopping, and it's alright. I like shopping, especially with her, but it's hard. I don't actually need any clothes. I'm not the kind of girl that just buys a ton of clothes whether she needs them or not, but I try to right now. I know we can afford them now, but we weren't always able to.
"Do you ever feel weird?" I ask her.
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"I don't know. I mean... do you ever feel weird about all of this? With Ethan and his dad? And..."
I hold up a light summer dress that costs more than I ever could have imagined spending on clothes four years ago. After my mom married Ethan's dad everything changed, though. We used to get by, and it wasn't like we were poor or anything, but they're rich, and so I guess now we're rich.
I just don't feel rich. I feel like I've always felt, but now I can buy hundred dollar dresses without batting an eyelash at the price tag. I still wince whenever I look at the prices, and I'm reluctant to spend that much, but... I still do it, too. It's kind of fun, like a strange guilty pleasure.
Ethan's father makes more than enough that he probably wouldn't care if I wore brand new clothes every day of the year for two decades. I wouldn't do that, though. I'd feel bad about it. I don't know why.
"Honey, we need to get used to sharing our lives with them, just like they share their lives with us. I know that you and Ethan have never really gotten along, but you should try, don't you think?"
"Mom, I'm pretty sure he's hated me since second grade," I say. "That's impressive, too, since I met him in second grade."
"A lot happened back then," my mom says. "I'm not sure it's entirely his fault. It never sounded like he hated you, either."
I know. I know what happened back then. I didn't know at the time, but I found out later.
That's when Ethan's mom died. He was out of school for awhile, but when he came back he was an entirely different person. That's saying something since we were both, what, seven or eight? It seems like such a long time ago now, and it kind of is. I've never talked about that with him. Not exactly.
I wish I knew how he felt. I wish I could say I knew what he went through. I don't, though. I'll never really know. My father left my mom when I was too young to remember. He died later, too, but I never really knew him. It was like being told you should be sad about something, but you can't really understand how or why. It's complicated. Ethan's dad's been the only man I've ever known as a father, and even then he's only been my stepfather for a few years now. It's not exactly the same.
"Does he ever say anything about me?" I ask. "Do you know if he does?"
"Who?" my mom asks.
"Ethan?"
"Oh, he mentions you sometimes," she says. "In passing."
I don't know what that means. What does that mean? "How?" I ask.
"He asks his father, who then asks me, but it's mostly just about grades. If you're doing well. Things like that. They don't talk a whole lot, but I know he's asked about you at least a couple times."
Oh. I'm not sure if she's telling me the truth. It doesn't seem right for some reason, like she's glossing over something or trying to hide something. It feels like the sort of thing someone says when they want you to think that someone cares about your well-being when they actually don't.
It's like when I used to ask my mom about my dad. My real dad. And she would say that he definitely loves me, but he just couldn't handle some things. How could she know he loves me, then? It's just something someone says. For all I know, he did love me, or he could hate me, too. I don't actually know, and I guess it doesn't even matter, either.
It's just kind of something I want to know sometimes.
How does Ethan feel about me? Does he like me, or does he hate me? Does he... love me?
No, probably not. I know this, and I know that a lot of girls wish he would fall in love with them, but it's never happened, and I don't know if it will ever happen. That's just the kind of person Ethan is. I can't change him.
I try on some dresses at my mom's urging. They're cute. We make a pile of clothes we're going to get. She mentions Jake, and asks me if I'm alright. I completely forgot about Jake. I...
"I think I'm fine," I say. "I don't want to talk about him."
"That's alright, honey," my mom says. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here for you, though. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, I know," I say. And then, mumbling, I add, "Um... since we're buying new clothes, do you think I could get some underwear, too?"
"Ooh, yes!" she says. "That's the best way to get over a break up, too. Buy something extra sexy for the next boy. That's what I always used to do."
"Mom!" I say, laughing.
She grins at me. "Ashley, it's about time you learned all there is to know about men. They're very simple. A cute pair of panties will get them every time. It's a fact."
"I'm not just going to go around showing guys my panties!" I say. "I have a little bit of self respect, you know?"
"I know," she says. "You have a lot of self respect, Ashley. And that's fine. But when it comes down to it, when you're ready to start a relationship with someone, a cute pair of panties always helps."
I roll my eyes at her. "Maybe," I say.
I wonder if Ethan likes cute panties? Well, obviously he would, right? It's not like I'm just going to randomly show him mine, but if he accidentally sees them...
No. It's over, Ashley. I have to remind myself of that. We had a nice time together. It was a really nice time, too. Now it's over, though. Done. Forever.
There's nothing either of us can do about that. It's just the way life is.
Life... it sucks sometimes! It really does.