Grey
Holy shit, what the fuck have I gotten myself into?
I can't. I can't even fucking do this shit. Except I have to. I can't not do it. It's like...
Emily and I were talking about everything we had planned for the next morning. She's all packed, so that one's easy. There's a few things I need to put in the car to bring with us, but for the most part we just have to get ready in the morning and then go. It's not that far of a drive, so we can stop off somewhere for breakfast on the way.
I'll help her unpack once we get there, too. It's her freshman year of college, so she needs to live in the dorms with a roommate. She's never met the girl, so that one's going to be hard, but I figured maybe we can all go out to lunch or something. If her roommate's parents are around then we could all spend the day getting to know each other. It'll make this a ton easier, and then I won't have to worry about Emily as much, either.
That's the plan, at least. I just wanted this to be simple, you know? Real fucking straightforward, except...
"Fiona's taking awhile. Do you think we should go check on her?" Emily asks.
Which we do. We did that. And as soon as I turn the corner to where Fiona's talking on the phone with her mother, I see a teary-eyed girl with the most abandoned, lonely look on her face. Fiona stands there, trying to hide her tears, trying to act strong, but it doesn't matter. I've already seen it. I already know what she's really feeling.
So, that's how I ended up back at my house with two teenage girls squealing at each other and giggling constantly. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it or anything. I wouldn't have left Fiona to fend for herself. It's just that I'm trying to do work in the living room and it's kind of difficult with the two of them doing who knows what in Emily's room right above me.
I guess technically it's up the stairs and behind me, but I'm not an architect and I don't want to get into the physics of it. I can hear them laughing and doing girly shit up there, and it makes it hard to concentrate.
I do some minor, easy work while they're cackling away like a flock of crows or whatever. Eventually things die down, though. They go to sleep at a reasonable time, which is completely unexpected. When have you ever known two eighteen year old girls to go to bed before three in the morning? Because, yeah, let me tell you about all the times when Fiona's stayed over and she and Emily didn't go to bed until three in the morning. This is why my bedroom is on an entirely different floor completely across the house from Emily's.
That's not actually why, but I'm going to pretend it is. Just give me this one. I need it.
It's barely past nine now and they're both quiet, so I guess they're sleeping. Good. We need to leave early in the morning and I don't want to deal with a tired, grumpy Emily. I guess she can sleep in the car on the drive to her college, but I still don't want to deal with it.
I'm working on my computer, vaguely listening to some TV show I left on, and getting work done, when I hear someone creeping around upstairs. Tiptoes, little scampering, barely anything. The house is kind of older and the floors are wood, so things creak sometimes. I listen to the soft, gentle creaks as they trail from Emily's room to the bathroom at the top of the stairs.
Which is fine. People go to the bathroom. I get that, but...
After a little while, the creaking and tiptoeing starts up again. This time they're coming down the stairs. One step at a time, creak creak creak, like a sneaky little mouse. So I immediately know it's not Emily. She's about as sneaky as an elephant.
I act like nothing's going on, because I'm pretty sure I don't want to deal with this right now. I can't deal with it. I just can't do this. I...
Fiona sits down on the couch with me without saying a word. She sneaks a peek over at me as she sits at the complete opposite end of the couch. I glance towards her, raising one eyebrow, but she doesn't look at me for long. Instead, she starts watching TV, silent. She pulls her legs up on the couch cushion and tucks them under her butt, then leans onto the armrest.
This is all about as innocuous as anything can get, so I decide to ignore her. I go back to work, reading through some reports, typing a few words here and there, adding some ideas as I go. The TV show keeps playing and eventually it goes to a commercial break.
Fiona looks over at me again and I glance towards her. She smiles shyly and I kind of smile back at her, but like I said before, I can't do this. I think you know what it is that I can't do, and I just can't do it.
So I try to go back to what I'm doing. This works for awhile, but the next time a commercial comes on and I put my laptop on the coffee table to take a quick break, I get a lapful of something else.
Fiona crawls across the couch and sneaks into my lap. She's like a goddamn cat or something. Just plants her butt in my lap, nothing doing, and leans over so she can rest on the other armrest. She started with her own armrest and now she's stealing mine. What the fuck is up with that?
"Excuse me," I say. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Daddy, can we cuddle?" Fiona asks.
She says it in the most innocent way. I'm being completely serious right now. It's so innocent and sweet and adorable. It's all those things, except as soon as she says it my cock starts to twitch. She's not even doing anything weird, either. She's not grinding her ass in my lap, trying to get a rise out of me. She doesn't call me "Daddy" in that seductive way she's so good at.
Nah. It's just cute and sweet and innocent Fiona and for some fucked up reason this turns me on. Why? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?
"Do you think that's a good idea?" I ask her. I don't trust myself enough to answer my own question right now.
"Yes," she says, kissing me on the cheek. "I do."
Well, what the fuck? I can't argue with her. I don't have the willpower. When the TV show comes back on after a commercial break I just sit there, Fiona in my lap, and we watch TV together. I'm not even sure what show it is and I kind of missed what happened before this, but it seems alright.
While watching the show, I realize I have nowhere to put my hands. What do normal people do with their hands? Fuck if I know. I kind of fidget trying to figure this out. Fiona sees me and she takes one of my hands and wraps it tight around her stomach. She pulls my other hand away from me and puts it on her hip.
At least she's not wearing something like those yoga pants from before. No, she's got pajama pants instead. They're not Emily's, so that's a plus. We bought Fiona some sleepover clothes awhile back since sometimes she'd stay the night unexpectedly. These are those, and there's nothing innately wrong with them.
I say that, but I still find them kind of sexy. The pink and black plaid pajamas hang loose on her legs. They're tighter by her hips, but they still kind of hang low a little. One small tug could bring them down easily, and then what? Listen, I have no idea if Fiona wears panties with her pajamas. I've never asked, and I'm not about to. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it a lot right now, though...
Fuck.
Her top! Let's just go to that, alright? Leave me alone. It's a longsleeve black top with buttons in the front. She could probably wear it as a regular shirt. Actually, now that I think about it, why didn't she wear this for yoga? This would have been a whole lot easier if she'd just come down in her pajama pants instead of wearing Emily's yoga outfit that's two sizes too tight.
I'm probably lying to myself. None of this is easy. I doubt anything could make it easier.
"Daddy?" Fiona asks, looking up at me. She sits cuddled in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder.
"Yeah?" I answer her.
"I know I can't live here. You don't have to worry. I didn't want to say anything in front of Emily, and I know you wouldn't say anything either, but I know. I'm going to look for an apartment as soon as I find a job, so don't even worry about me, alright?"
The way she says it hurts. I don't know why, it just does.
"You can stay here, Fiona," I say. "If you can find a job, you can stay here. We can figure something out. I'm not going to let you stay without paying rent, though. We need to... uh... it needs to be professional, alright? A professional relationship. We can discuss the specifics later, but I can be reasonable. I'll work with you and help you save, but you can put some money towards the utilities or something. Electric bill, or cable and internet. We'll figure it out."
"What if I can't pay you one month, though?" she asks, giving me a worried look. "Will you have to spank me, Daddy?"
You know what? Yeah, maybe. I shouldn't admit this. I don't even want to spank her for that. I want to spank her for a lot of reasons right now, but none of them involve rent.
"Fiona," I say to her, somehow finding the strength to proceed. "Stop. We can't do that. That can't happen again."
She pouts at me and looks away. "Fine! I was just kidding anyways."
"Why's your mother kicking you out?" I ask her. "What happened tonight?"
She doesn't answer me for awhile. When she does, all she says is, "It's stupid."
"If you did something wrong, you can tell me," I say to her. "I won't get mad. I just want to know how I can help you."
Fiona scoffs and snaps her head towards me. It almost feels like she's about to slap me, but I can tell it's not me that she wants to slap. She furrows her brow and opens her mouth to speak, but the words come out in a huge, incomprehensible mess.
"One word at a time," I remind her, gently patting her hip.
She fidgets and nestles into my lap, the look of pain and anguish slowly easing off of her face.
"I didn't do anything wrong," she says softly. "My mom told me not to come home because her boyfriend keeps staring at me. It's gross. I've never done anything to make him think I like it. I don't even want to talk to him. This isn't the first time it's happened, either. One time my mom went to the store to get some milk for breakfast and I came out wearing my regular clothes for school. I wasn't in anything weird, Daddy. Promise."
She hesitates for a second, but then continues. "He just kept staring at me over the kitchen table. I made myself some oatmeal and he stared at me while I ate it, so I asked him what he's staring at, and he says... he says my breasts look hot in my shirt. All the boys at my school must want to get into my pants. I tell him that's not true, and I'm not like that, and he says that he knows it's true, because that's how he feels, and if I want to while my mom is gone he can show me what it's like to be with a man, and... I ate my oatmeal in my room after that. I locked the door and I heard him try to open it, but he couldn't, and then my mom came home. I... I don't know, Daddy. I didn't do anything, I swear. I never told my mom about that, but she started giving me dirty looks after, and then a couple weeks later he was gone and she had a new boyfriend. It doesn't happen with all of them, but..."
I want to speak, to say words, but I have something stuck in my throat. I choke a little until I finally manage to say, "Baby... it's not your fault..."
"I know, but I'm sorry, Daddy," she says, pushing her face into my chest. "I'm sorry for teasing you. I promise I didn't tease them like that. I know I shouldn't tease you. I just... I really like you, and you're so nice to me, and Emily's so lucky to have you. I like Emily and she's my friend which makes this so hard for me, because... I don't know. I'm sorry, Daddy. I really am."
"What are you sorry about, baby?" I ask her.
"I'm sorry if you think I'm a bad girl," she says. "I know I'm bad sometimes. Maybe I tease you sometimes when I shouldn't. Just you, though. I... I wouldn't do that with anyone else."
"I know," I tell her, smiling and kissing her hair. "You're not bad, Fiona. You're a good girl. You're wonderful, and Emily loves you. You two are best friends."
"I know, but how can I be friends with her when I want you to make love to me, Daddy?" Fiona asks.
Well, that's a question alright. Yeah...
"You'll find someone," I tell her, trying to stay strong. "You'll find a boy your age who is everything you want, and he'll be there for you, and he'll protect you, and you'll love him so much that when you two finally decide it's time, you'll have the most wonderful and amazing experience together. You'll--"
"I did find him, Daddy," she says. "He's not my age, but he's all of those things, and he's been there for me and protected me without ever trying to tell me that I should have sex with him because of it. He doesn't make me feel like I should do it or that I have to, and I love him, and--"
"Fiona..." I say, my voice rough.
"Daddy? Will you take me to your bed? Just this once? Just tonight? Please, Daddy? I need you. I just... I need to know what it's like to feel loved, Daddy. Not just friendship or like family, but I need to know everything. If you don't want to, I understand, but I've been a good girl for you for so long and I just..."