“I’M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.” Ms. Ellen took my hand. Her skin was paper-thin, allowing me to see a grid work of purple and blue veins. “She’s in a better place now, my dear.”
I stared at her age spots in a daze, nodding, but unable to speak.
Ms. Ellen sang in the choir at my grandma’s church. I’d met her when I was ten, and my one-year-old brother, Kyle, and I had gone to live with my grandma. That was twelve years ago—right after the world had come crumbling down around me.
My world was once again falling apart. Gran had gone to be with the Lord. She’d put up a good fight, but in the end, her body was just too old to hang on anymore. I’d taken care of her for most of my life, and she always provided for me and Kyle. But now she was gone, and I was left with a thirteen-year-old to support, with no job in sight.
After the funeral, and once everyone left the house, it was just me and Kyle.
“Are we going to be okay, Roz?” Kyle was helping me pack large amounts of food into the refrigerator.
Bringing food to the house after a funeral was what people did. I didn’t understand it, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with three big bowls of potato salad, but the people kept coming with their arms full of covered dishes. I mean, how many people did they think lived here, exactly?
“We’ll be fine. We meet with the attorney tomorrow. I’m sure Gran left us a little something to keep us afloat until I get a job.” I wiped at the counter with a wet cloth and sighed. “Why don’t you go upstairs and get ready for bed? I’ll be up in a bit.”
I could barely look at him. I knew what I’d see if I did. Brown hair that he insisted on keeping in his face, and green eyes full of worry. No matter how many times I’d assured him we’d be okay, the truth was, I wasn’t so sure.
“Okay.” He moved toward the stairs and turned around. “Hey, Roz?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I sleep in your room tonight? It’s going to be weird with her gone.”
My heart shattered. I’d gone the entire day without crying, to be strong for Kyle, but I could slowly feel my façade fading. I nodded my head and held the tears back, knowing they would fall the minute he was gone. “Sure, kid.”
As soon as I heard him hit the top of the stairs, I let the tears go. The lump sitting in my throat cleared as the tears continued to fall and the weight on my chest lifted a bit.
“MISS HARRIS, I HATE TO tell you this, but there’s nothing left in your grandmother’s estate,” Ms. Brighton said.
In my opinion she was too young to be a lawyer. Yet for such a young woman, she was dressed like a sixty-year-old. Her gray suit was outdated and her pants were too high. When she sat, the bottoms rose up, showing off hose with runs in them and scuffed heels.
She clicked the top of her pen over and over again, making me want to pull my hair out.
“Excuse me?” I was sure I’d heard her wrong.
“As per your grandmother’s will, all monies remaining will go to paying off her debts. Anything after that was to go to you and your brother. However, there wasn’t even enough to pay everything off.” Again, she continued with the incessant pen clicking. “You are getting the Oldsmobile, though. So that’s good, right?”
The Oldsmobile, which was almost as old as my grandma, was all mine. Joy. I got to keep the rust bucket that sucked up too much gas and threw out white smoke when pressure was applied to the gas pedal.
My eyes were locked on Ms. Brighton’s pen. The clicking ran through my brain and pushed away all the thoughts coming to consume me.
“What about the house?” My voice was a broken whisper. My legs were trembling with nerves, letting me know I was going to have a hard time leaving. If I could even stand.
Ms. Brighton’s expression spoke volumes. “Unfortunately, the bank will take possession of the house in thirty days. I’m so sorry.” Finally she set the pen down and crossed her fingers. “Is there a family member you can stay with until you get your affairs in order?”
I shook my head in shock. “No.”
Looking through the small window on Ms. Brighton’s door, I saw Kyle. He was sitting in the chair where I’d left him. His pencil was moving lazily over the pages of the notebook he’d brought with him. “Our parents died twelve years ago. We have no one.”
“Oh…” her eyes dropped toward her desk and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair. The pen clicking started once more. Only this time it was in fast nervous clicks. “I’m sorry, Ms. Harris it… sounds like you’re shit out of luck.”
Okay, so she didn’t actually say that, but I knew that’s what she was thinking. She was quick to end the meeting and usher me and my homeless brother out of her office, which was fine by me. After her crushing news, I felt like the drab décor was slowly suffocating me.
When Kyle and I stepped out of the building, the New York air wasn’t any less smothering, but I welcomed the soothing breeze anyway. Digging into my pocket for the last of my change, I gave it to Kyle and watched as he ran off to buy a soda and a pretzel from a little food cart.
Sitting down on the concrete steps, I dropped my head in my hands and breathed in the strong exhaust-filled air and let the New York sounds drown away my despair. I wouldn’t fall apart right now. I couldn’t. Kyle didn’t need to know how bad things were.
“So did Gran leave us a fortune?” Kyle joked when he found me face down on the steps.
I looked up at his innocent face and smiled, squinting against the afternoon sun. In that moment, I vowed to do whatever I had to do to make sure Kyle didn’t have to grow up before his time. He’d already lost so much, I wouldn’t let him lose his childhood like I had.
“Define fortune,” I stood and ruffled his hair.
He made a low growling sound, pushing at my hand and proceeded to fix his hair.
Looking up at me he became serious. “Everything’s going to be alright, Roz. You always take care of everything.”
I smiled through tears threatening to fall. “We’ll get through this, kid. We always do.”
As much as I wanted to tell him everything was going to be fine, I didn’t know how bad things we’re going to get and I wouldn’t lie to him.
I HELD KYLE’S HAND ON the ride back to Gran’s house. I’m not sure what I was thinking, his hand was almost as large as mine now. And even though I was sure he hated holding my hand, he didn’t let go.
In fact, he said nothing, even though I knew there were a million questions swimming around in his head. After his comment at the attorney’s office, I wasn’t sure I could speak to him without breaking down, so I was grateful he stayed silent.
Once we got home, I made my famous mac n’ cheese and hotdogs. We’d eaten this so many times over the last few years I couldn’t stand the smell anymore, but it was Kyle’s favorite, so I endured it. I’d been almost depressed when we’d run out of funeral food.
He helped with the dishes before running up to his room to slip on his headphones and doodle in his notebook. He was too old to be tucked in and he didn’t need my help getting things ready for school anymore.
After a quick clean up around the house, I checked on Kyle and then spent the night in my room, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do.
No way could I afford to keep the house, even if I did find a job. It was a huge, five-bedroom home, and Kyle and I didn’t need all that space. A small two-bedroom would suffice. Luckily, I got to keep everything in the house, which meant I wouldn’t need money to furnish the new place.
Once my eyes began to get heavy, I knew the day’s events were to blame for my exhaustion and I was all too happy to end the day. I turned toward the lamp beside my bed and saw the college pamphlets on the end table.
The sight of them made me want to cry, but I picked them up anyway. A couple of months ago when Gran started to look like she was healthy enough for me to not be around all the time, I’d looked into going to a community college.
After our parents’ deaths went unsolved, I felt denied the justice Kyle and I deserved. I hated that feeling. I hated the unknown and didn’t want another family to suffer the way Kyle and I had. I needed the closure that was rightfully mine.
I wanted to dedicate my time to criminal law and try to make a difference. It sounded naïve and cliché to think I could change anything when it came to the criminal system, but I could try.
I sighed. It didn’t matter either way now. College was definitely out of the question and having these forms was only going to depress me further. I dumped the forms into the trash and hit the light. Ten minutes later, I fell into a fitful sleep.
I SAT STRAIGHT UP IN bed, gasping for air. Same nightmare, different night. Sweat trickled down my neck and into my nightgown. I pulled the fabric from my skin and tried to catch my breath.
It’d been a while since I’d had a nightmare about the night my parents died, but with everything going on around me, it wasn’t a big surprise.
“You okay, Roz?” Kyle’s voice came from behind my bedroom door.
His voice was changing. Every now and again it would crack or squeak and he would sound older for a few brief seconds. He was slowly becoming a man, and I silently wished Dad could be there to teach him the ways of all things manly.
“Yeah. Just a nightmare. You can come in,” I waited for the door to open. “What are you doing up?” I checked the clock by my bed for the time.
“I heard you making noises in your sleep.” He came across the room and sat on the end of my bed.
“I’m sorry I woke you. You have school tomorrow and I have job hunting to do. We both need our sleep.”
“It’s okay. I wasn’t sleeping all that great anyway.”
I patted the bed beside me and Kyle climbed under the covers. Turning on my side, I wrapped my arm around him. “Goodnight.”
“Night.”
“YOU KNOW, I COULD GET you a job at Clive’s. It pays well and you’d be home all day since you wouldn’t have to be at work until six.” Trish said.
She was my only friend. Growing up, I never had time to go out and meet people because I was always taking care of Gran. Trish was the only person in school who made time for me and understood I couldn’t go out partying on the weekends.
We’d been friends since tenth grade and she still looked exactly the same. Same blonde hair, same blue eyes, and same perfect body. My own body had started to grow since high school. My butt was a little wider and my boobs, a little heavier. I still had my tiny waist, which was good, but I hated having to go up a size in my jeans just because my hips were so curvy.
“I’m not working at a bar. Plus, who would watch Kyle at night?”
“Kyle’s thirteen, he can watch himself, Roz. I was staying home alone much earlier than that. You’ll be there when he gets home, and you can make sure he gets dinner, or help him with his homework, or whatever. Then he can get ready for bed and go to sleep. Buy him one of those little pre-paid phones so he can call if something happens, and tell him to lock the doors.”
Trish talked as she flipped through a magazine. It was obvious she never had to worry about another person besides herself. I couldn’t just leave Kyle at home all alone. Especially not now. He was already having a hard time sleeping at night, no way could he stay home alone.
“I can’t even afford a cell for myself. How would I be able to afford one for Kyle? It’s out of the question. Keep thinking. There has to be some places hiring around here.”
She sighed. “Fine. We’ll keep looking.”
I knew she was annoyed, but she’d just have to deal with my decision. I wasn’t going to budge.
Every day, after dropping Kyle off at middle school, I’d spend the day putting in applications everywhere. I didn’t have a cell, so I’d checked the answering machine every afternoon with hopes of someone calling me back. I’d already gotten the phone bill, which I couldn’t afford to pay, so I needed a job like yesterday.
Two weeks later, there had been no calls, and our house phone had been disconnected. I was desperately trying not to spiral into despair, but the water and electricity were the next to go—not to mention, we only had two more weeks before we had to be out. I was at the end of my rope, and desperate.
Kyle and I searched for boxes at all the local stores and packed the belongings we wanted to keep. Everything else, we sold. By the time the bank was taking the house, we managed to move our belongings into Trish’s parent’s garage.
We each packed a suitcase for everything we’d need until a place was found. As sad as it was, and as bad as it broke my heart, we moved into the Oldsmobile.
I was sure Trish would have given us a place to stay had I told her about our predicament, but I was too proud. She was my age, and worked and lived on her own. I was ashamed I couldn’t do the same.
The little bit of money we had from everything we sold would get us through. It paid for gas and food and really, that was all we needed until I could get us into an apartment.
As we pulled into the parking lot of his school, I grabbed his arm before he could make his hasty exit.
I turned worried eyes on him and gave him a warning. “Remember, Kyle, don’t tell anyone about our living arrangements. It won’t be like this for long, I promise. Just bear with me, okay?”
“I’m not going to say anything. I’m not an idiot, Roz.” He smiled sweetly at me. “We’ll find something. I told you, I’m not worried.”
I smiled at him as he got out of the car, but I felt low—lower than low—and I knew what needed to be done. I had to put Kyle first, and that meant I was going to Trish to beg for a job.
I got out of the car and tripped over the sidewalk going to Trish’s front door. She lived in a nice apartment complex. It was nothing I could afford as of yet, but with her help, I was hoping to. I knocked on the door ten times before she finally answered it. Her eyes were thick with sleep, and her hair was wildly sticking up in odd directions.
“Someone better be dead,” she rasped.
“No one’s dead, but I need your help.” I stepped around her and sat on the couch.
She sighed, closed the door, and turned to me with her hands on her hips. “You do realize I just went to bed like an hour ago, right?” She dramatically fell onto the couch beside me and pulled a throw blanket over her legs.
“I’m sorry, but I need that job at Clive’s. I know you’ve already done a lot for us. And I really appreciate you and your parents giving me a storage space and helping me and Kyle load it all up, but I need one more favor and I promise I’ll never ask for anything again.”
“Fine. Vick is looking for another waitress. I told her about you. Just show up this afternoon around five. I’m pretty sure she’ll give you the job,” Trish slurred. Her eyes slowly began to close.
“Just like that? I don’t have to interview or anything?”
“Wear a pair of the shortest shorts you can find. That should get you right in.”
I walked out of Trish’s apartment with a pair of the shortest shorts I’d ever seen and a sinking feeling in my stomach. It wasn’t ideal, but it was money. At that point, I would have done whatever I had to do to make sure Kyle had a roof over his head and food in his stomach.
“CAN YOU START IMMEDIATELY?”
Vick was nice, but to the point. There was no sugar coating, and she obviously didn’t believe in small talk or getting to know you. She was pretty, but didn’t flaunt it. I got the impression she’d rather you fear her.
“Yes.” I tried to sound self-assured, but I couldn’t have felt more out of place if I tried. “I can start this weekend if…“
“Good,” she interrupted as if I hadn’t been talking. “I could use someone tonight.”
She slipped off the barstool to the cocktail table we’d been sitting at and left me behind. I frowned before I realized she wanted me to follow her. Like a good little lap dog, I hoped off my stool and caught up to her with quick steps.
“Tonight?” There was no keeping the slight tremor from my voice this time. “But don’t I need some kind of training? I’ve never…”
Vick stopped and turned abruptly, causing me to skid to a halt. She crossed her arms and stared me down like she was an alpha and wanted me to submit. I almost did.
“You need training to carry drinks around?”
Well when she put it like that. “No,” I said firmly, but I felt my cheeks heat up.
“You said you could start immediately and I need someone tonight. Do you want the job or not?”
“Yes.”
The word flew out of my mouth, even though I knew starting right at that moment was a bad idea. I still didn’t know what I was going to do with Kyle. We were living in a car for God’s sake. And Clive’s was in the middle of the city. Not the best place to leave a thirteen-year-old, in the car… alone.
But we’d make do. We always did.
“Okay then.” She dropped her arms and gave me a once over. “I’ll get you an outfit and I’ll have one of the girls show you around after you’re done changing.”
I panicked when I thought of Kyle. “But…” Her impatient sigh stopped me and I bit my tongue. “I just have to make a phone call.”
“Make your call and I’ll have one of the girls bring you an outfit. Find me when you’re dressed.”
I nodded and she turned to leave.
Before she got too far, she turned around again. “Tell Mike, the bartender, to let you use the phone.”
“Thank you,” I said to her retreating back. Turning around I saw a muscular guy behind the bar. “Are you Mike?”
When he looked at me, he flipped his head to the side to move the blond hair hanging in his eyes. Leaning onto the bar, face inches from mine, he smiled big enough to show teeth.
He’d obviously been going nuts with the steroids. His arms were easily the size of my head and his shirt could barely contain the muscles trying to pop free from his chest. He reminded me of the Hulk just before he turned green.
“Lucky for me, I am,” he winked.
I wanted to roll my eyes at his corny one-liner, but instead I forced a smile. “Great. Vick told me to find you so I could use the phone?”
He didn’t say anything as he pulled the cordless phone from beneath the bar and handed it to me.
“You work here?” he asked, when I took the phone.
“Started… right now, actually.”
“Glad to hear it.”
I dialed Trish’s number and gave him another forced smile.
When she answered, I gave her a quick rundown of my conversation with Vick and while I hated to ask her for another favor, I had no choice.
“Will you chill, Roz?” she snapped. “Kyle and I are practically BFF’s.” I could hear Kyle’s laughter in the back and suddenly wondered if leaving him with Trish had been a good idea.
She was easily every teenage boy’s wet dream and no matter how much I didn’t want to think about it, I’m sure she had some kind of effect on Kyle.
“Just don’t teach him any bad habits,” I warned.
“Never. Look, I’ll get him some McDonald’s and he can stay here tonight while we work. He’ll be fine, Roz.”
In the background I heard Kyle echo Trish’s words and knew I had no other choice. I sighed and agreed to her plan.
I hated to do it, even though I was assured he would be fine. Not to mention, Trish was nice enough to leave her cell with him, since it was his first night alone.
I was saved from having to engage in anymore conversation with Mike when one of the Clive’s girls brought me a uniform—at least I think it was supposed to be an outfit. When I unfolded the new shirt and shorts they were more like underwear.
Ten minutes later, I found Vick and stood there while she stared me down like I was a piece of meat.
“Turn around,” she ordered, and I did a full turn. “Let me…”
She took a step closer and grabbed the material of the shirt at my ribs. Then she adjusted it to show more of my breasts. It was the most uncomfortable thing I’d ever been through, but it got me the job.
“Perfect. Now find Mike again and he’ll give you the run down. Have fun,” she taunted before turning away.
The first night was brutal. I dropped multiple drinks and bumped into customers. I almost slipped and broke my leg, and a few times I got the order wrong. Vick didn’t believe in training, she believed in learning by experience, which meant I was thrown straight into a busy Friday night. I failed miserably.
Two hours in, I was sure I owed Clive’s more money than they owed me, but I wasn’t going to give up. I needed this job, and I wasn’t about to let it slip through my fingers—like half of the drinks I attempted to serve.
“Just keep smiling, Roz. The guys like you. You have that innocent thing working in your favor,” Trish said, as she slid beside me with a full tray.
“What innocent thing?” I asked loudly over the music.
She turned and winked at me before disappearing into the crowed.
Was I missing something completely obvious? I thought about this while I waited for the bartender to load me down with my order. The lights above were too bright—the music, too loud. I reached up and swiped at the sweat coating my forehead. I was exhausted.
The work shirt Vick had given me was two sizes too small and squished my boobs together. It didn’t help that I’d spilled several drinks down my front, giving everyone a view of my bra.
“She’s right. Your innocence works for you.” A deep voice sounded from beside me, startling the crap out of me. He was so close, he didn’t have to scream over the music.
I could feel his body heat against my bare skin, and it sent chills down my body. Peeking over at him, I caught a glimpse of a stylish black suit, before turning away and waiting for the bartender. I didn’t see his face, but it didn’t matter what he looked like. I needed to focus on my new job, not the men in the club.
It was obvious I was ignoring him and I heard his deep chuckle when the music paused before the next song started.
“You’re holding your tray wrong. That’s why you keep spilling your drinks.” This time I felt his warm breath against my neck. “Don’t use your palm, use your fingertips.”
Without him knowing, I adjusted my fingers beneath the tray and instantly felt the extra control my fingertips provided. I turned to look at him and was met with the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on.
His soft blue eyes were a deep contrast to his tanned skin and dark hair, which was styled in a strategic mess. He ran his fingers through it, pushing some strands out of his eyes. If that wasn’t enough, he grinned at me, showing off an adorable set of dimples. Perfect white teeth shined back at me, as he bit his bottom lip.
I almost swore out loud. Quickly, I turned my eyes away from him, before I embarrassed myself. “Thanks,” I said out of the corner of my mouth.
He was already gone. I didn’t see him leave, but I felt it. The side of my body cooled and the ear-splitting sounds of the music came back in full force.
Mike swept by and set the drinks I needed on my tray. He winked at me like he was sure I was interested in him. His cockiness was in vain because he couldn’t have been more wrong.
I didn’t spill another drink that night. By the time I was cashing out my tips, I was exhausted and in desperate need of a shower.
“So what do you think?” Trish asked. She was picking up old beer bottles and empty glasses from one of her tables.
The room was empty, except for a few workers who were cleaning up. No one was looking at me, but I couldn’t help but feel eyes all of over me. Something about being in Clive’s after it closed was unsettling.
“Earth to Roz… What. Do. You. Think?” she asked louder, signing to me like I was deaf.
I wanted to say I’d never come back, but after counting all the cash I had from tips that night, I knew I couldn’t turn the job down.
“I’ll be back tomorrow night.”