SHE SLEPT NEXT TO ME, an occasional sound coming from her, as if she was dreaming and in distress. Her scarlet hair was covering most of her face, but I could still see the swollen swell of her pouty lips.
I was in a fucked up place, mentally. Worse than anything I’d gone through when I was younger, except for the night that continuously haunted my dreams. The experience hardened me and changed me into the man I was today. The only way I could make it through life after that night, was by not feeling anything at all. It was either that, or die from heartache.
Jessica had been breaking down the wall I built, and I reacted poorly because it scared me. I wasn’t technically afraid of having feelings for her, I was afraid of feeling anything at all. I’d worked hard at blocking out everything to get through my days—to get myself through the one single moment that had defined the rest of my life.
And the worst part was, I hurt her. I could see it in her eyes when I lied to her face, saying it would never be about love.
Reaching out, I took a strand of her hair and rubbed it between two fingers. It was true, I had to admit it to myself. I was falling for her. Me—the man who didn’t believe in the bullshit word everyone tossed around, the man who thought love was a woman’s word. I’d always truly believed men weren’t capable of love, especially a man like me. Yet there I was, staring down at this seemingly perfect creature, and trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling.
The whole thing felt suffocating, like the air around me was too thick, too humid. Whether I was thinking of my feelings or about not being near her, I constantly felt I couldn’t breathe. A weight as heavy as New York City was pressing against my chest, and I couldn’t lift it, no matter how angry or mean I was. It just wouldn’t fucking budge.
And those eyes… those big, trusting, beautiful eyes. I couldn’t fucking shake the moment when pain entered those eyes. They haunted me because I was the cause of that heartache.
Slipping from her bed, I dressed quietly, careful not to wake her. Staring down at her as she slept, I watched her breasts lift with each deep breath. I was mesmerized—caught effectively in a web I’d personally weaved. I had to get out of there. I had to free myself, before I couldn’t.
The cool night air made me shiver as I stood outside and waited for the valet to bring my car around. The city lights blinked like the universe was trying to relay a secret message to only me—a visual Morse code of sorts for the crazy fucker. I closed my eyes to it and kept them closed, until I heard the purr of my Jaguar pulling up.
Once I was in the warmth of my car, I sat there and contemplated going back inside. The valet stood at the driver’s side window, waiting for me to climb back out. I gripped the steering wheel and shook myself. Staying over wasn’t my thing. Spending time after sex with a woman at all, was something I always avoided. Obviously, it was different with Jessica.
I decided against it and hit the road, driving slowly to give myself time to think, I passed the night-lifers and tried to pinpoint the exact moment the change in me had occurred.
When I got to the club, the place was alive—crawling with crowds of people I used to be like. I no longer felt like that man. Moving through the room, I bumped into dancers and nodded at those who knew my name, but didn’t know me. Hell, I didn’t know me—not really.
I didn’t go to my office because I didn’t want to deal with Vick. Instead, I went to my apartment. Trekking through my place, I headed straight to the bathroom for a shower. I peeled off my clothes, which smelled of Jessica, and stood under the hot spray in the silence of the tile-filled room. It seemed to be the only place I could think anymore. My office screamed Jessica, the club, the car, everything was tainted with a memory of her.
I stayed in longer than usual, letting the water dump directly onto my head—numbing my skin with the heat and hoping to numb my thoughts as well. When I stepped out, I grabbed a towel and found Vick leaning against the doorway with crossed arms.
“Ignoring me?” she asked with a lifted brow.
I ran the towel across my face and hair, before wrapping it around my body and exiting the shower.
“I needed a shower before I dealt with your shit.”
Scooping up my toothbrush, I squeezed a layer of toothpaste on it and started brushing my teeth. She was pissing me off, standing over me with her arms crossed, like she controlled me. It was time I brought her back down to her level.
Rinsing my mouth, I pulled my towel from my waist and wiped my face. I walked beside her and into my bedroom. She followed. Pulling a pair of boxer briefs from the top drawer, I covered my ass and started toward my closet.
“What’s going on with us, Sebastian? We used to be so close. It’s like you don’t even talk to me anymore. It’s bullshit, and you know it.”
I’d had enough. I turned on her quickly, getting close to her and making her take a step back. I would never hurt a woman, but this shit had to stop.
“Victoria, get off my sac already. For years I’ve covered your ass—turned the other cheek to some really fucked up shit, and this is how you repay me? I’m about this close,” I held two fingers up, “to dropping your ass right where I found you. Now leave me the fuck alone!”
I watched as it happened, but I couldn’t believe it. Her stoic face crumbled, and the dreaded expression I’d spent a good bit of time running from, spread across her face. Her eyes watered and her lip trembled… and it was then I knew—I just fucking knew. Vick stayed around to help me, out of loyalty and money, but there was something else I hadn’t noticed. How had something so big slip past my radar? It was something I thought Vick incapable of. She showed emotion, and it was for me.
I looked at Vick like a sister, and now I could see she’d been harboring forbidden feelings for a man who, until recently, didn’t know he was capable of feeling anything.
“No. Not you. This can’t be happening,” I begged under my breath.
“Sebastian…”
“Leave,” I demanded.
“Sebastian, please listen…” she started.
“I said, get the fuck out of my apartment, now!”
She stared at me as if I was going to change my mind, and then turned and left without another word.
Instead of sticking around the club and socializing, I stayed in my office the rest of the night. I put myself so deep into paperwork, I tuned out the outside world.
That morning, I went to bed with thoughts of Jessica walking the streets alone. Suddenly the thought of something terrible happening to her consumed me. I thought about her fear of guns and wondered what could have happened to her to give her that fear. There were so many things I wanted to know, so many things I could’ve already known if I hadn’t been such a selfish prick.
Instead of my usual nightmare, I dreamed of Jessica and her soft lips and trusting eyes. The dream turned into a nightmare and I found myself looking down at her as she died in my arms.
THE NEXT AFTERNOON, I FOUND myself somewhere I hadn’t been in a while. Grady, the man behind the counter, nodded at me when I walked in. He was an older Italian with a thick Jersey accent.
His thick, black hair was dyed and oiled into a perfect wave, and his hairy arms and chest were visible through his button down shirt. The entire look was topped off with a collection of gold chains. He was old Italy.
Dabbling in a little bit everything, he was the man to see when you needed anything. I only used his services for one thing and one thing only. The rest of the illegal shit was in my past, where I meant it to stay.
“Long time no see, Black. What can I do for you?”
He lit the end of his cigar, filling the room with its thick pungent odor.
“I’m looking for something feminine, but still powerful enough to take a man down.”
Eyeing me for a few brief seconds, he took another puff from his cigar and nodded. “I think I have just what you’re looking for.”
Turning around, he opened a cabinet and pulled out a pretty piece. It was small and tinted pink. I knew Jessica would definitely hate it, but a girl like her needed to know how to protect herself in case she was right and I didn’t stick around. Which, let’s face it, was bound to happen at some point.
I left Grady’s with exactly what I came in for. Jessica might not like it, but I’d feel better about her being alone if she was packing. She’d have a lot to learn about how to use it. I’d be sure she understood what pulling the trigger meant, before she actually pulled it.