EIGHT
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” A group of people yelled in unison when we stepped through the front door.
We’d gone out to dinner for my seventeenth birthday as a family.
It was a fucking joke.
A week had passed since we’d washed Lulu in the tub. A week since Jane kissed me and I’d jerked off to Darrell and her going at it in their bed.
It was as if nothing happened. Darrell, I knew, didn’t remember shit about walking in on us. He didn’t remember Jane being so wet I could see her naked body beneath her shirt, and me, hard as a rock, turned on out of my mind. He was so drunk he probably didn’t even remember his wife fucking him like a porn star.
But Jane, I knew she remembered. She remembered every second but was pretending it didn’t happen. And so for a week, I’d played along, acting as if nothing had happened between us, and it was killing me.
I was officially seventeen, which meant if I left, there would be no fuss kicked up over me. I could run away, and no one would care enough to look for me. But, before I flew, I wanted to know what the fuck was going on with Jane and me.
I had questions that needed answers only she could give me, and I’d kept quiet for a week.
No more.
I’d decided at dinner that I would get her alone, find out what the deal was, and either run away or stay and ride the crazy train, but I hadn’t expected to come home to a surprise party.
Hence, the word surprise.
I’d never had a party thrown in my honor before, and with so many people staring at me, I wasn’t sure I liked it very much.
I scanned the room, seeing a few familiar faces. Deloris was there along with a few kids from the group home. Deloris waved and smiled while the kids stared around the room in envy. I understood their looks. It wasn’t often one of us kids landed in such a nice place.
Mostly, though, it looked like a bunch of Darrell and Jane’s friends and family. A few I’d seen around a couple of times. They didn’t have much family but seemed to be a popular couple with their friends.
Darrell put a hand on my shoulder and ushered me into the crowded space, and I shook his hand from my body before I stepped into the room.
Deloris stepped forward first, and her familiar smile eased the anxiety of having so many eyes on me at once.
“Happy birthday, Sebastian. How’s it feel to be one year older?”
I shrugged. “The same.”
She shook her head and smiled at my response, understanding it was my way of dealing with being uncomfortable. Ethan, a friend from the home, stepped up beside her.
“Looks like you landed in a nice place, lucky asshole.” He smirked.
Deloris tapped him on the back of the head. “Language, Ethan.”
Ethan pulled me to the side, and I followed.
“Tell me you’ve seen her naked, man,” he said, his eyes lit up with humor.
“Who?”
“Don’t play stupid with me, bro. Mrs. Jepson. She’s fucking hot.”
My shoulders stiffened, and a rush of jealousy flowed over me.
“She’s like fifty,” I exaggerated.
“You’re so full of shit. She’s barely thirty.”
“Try again,” I said dryly. “She’s almost forty.”
His eyes moved over Jane as she laughed with a group of friends across the room.
“Forty, huh? Well, I’d fuck her wrinkled pussy.”
My hand whipped out, and I wrapped my fingers around his neck.
His eyes bulged from his face, wide in shock.
“Don’t ever fucking discuss her like that again,” I growled.
My eyes met Jane’s from across the room, and I dropped Ethan quickly when confusion touched her brow.
“What the fuck, Sebastian?” Ethan choked, grabbing his throat. “What’s your fucking problem?”
Instead of responding, I walked away. My eyes remained on Jane the entire time until I disappeared into the kitchen.
Too many people were in the room. Too much was going on around me. It wasn’t often I had anxiety issues, but a guy could only take so many people looking at him with sorrow in their eyes.
And that was exactly how Darrell and Jane’s friends looked at me. I could practically hear their thoughts.
That poor boy.
No family.
Nowhere to go.
At least Jane and Darrell took him, so he’s not all alone in the world.
Alone.
It was starting to sound better and better.
I leaned my forearms against the counter and let my hot, embarrassed forehead touch the cool granite.
I’d stuck it out with these people in hopes of a better future, but standing there, with my knees weak with anxiety and my brain full of questions and desire, I wasn’t so sure my life was any better than it had been when I was living in the group home.
And at that moment, I made the decision it was time to leave the Jepson’s home.
The world outside their doors was scary, but at least it was free. There were no sorrow-filled stares; no one to look down on me for being dealt a hand I had absolutely no control over. Out in the world, I could be me and only had to worry about myself.
It would be cold.
It would be lonely.
But I would survive because that was what I’d always done.
Survival was kind of my thing.
“Everything okay, Sebastian?” Jane asked from behind me, making me pop my head up from the counter and stand tall as if nothing was bothering me.
“I’m good. I’m just not a fan of fake smiles.”
The kind worn by the people outside the kitchen.
Fake smiles.
Supposedly, they were there for my birthday. In reality, they were there to gawk at the Jepson’s new addition.
Their new plaything.
Their new purchase.
Fuck that.
I belonged to no one. And once the night settled over the house, and I could make a run for it, that was exactly what I’d do.
Leave.
“Their smiles aren’t fake. They are genuinely happy for you and for us.”
I sniffed. “Yeah, right.”
She moved closer, tapping her pink painted fingernails against the granite countertop.
“This could work, Sebastian, if you’d just give us a chance. Believe it or not, I want good things for you. I want you to be able to graduate and walk away from this household with a future.”
She moved even closer, her sweet perfume moving into my space.
“I know what you’re going through. Trust me.”
At that, I laughed.
“You don’t know anything,” I snapped. “Just look at this place,” I said, motioning to the exquisite kitchen around us. “I bet you’ve never felt hunger. I bet you’ve never felt cold.”
She gasped when I moved into her, my hand sliding around her waist and pulling her tight to me. I looked over her flushed cheeks, my eyes landing on her lips and the memories of our kiss shifted into my mind.
“Look at you.” My voice went low as I wrapped a single strand of her hair around my finger. “I bet you’ve never felt unwanted in all your life.”
I couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting her. She probably had an amazing childhood with caring parents who were involved in her life. She probably had a full ride to college where she met Darrell, who was loaded and giving her the life she was used to.
I’d once thought maybe Jane was like me—a ramen eating poor kid—but seeing her with the crowd of rich fucks in their living room, it was obvious she was comfortable with them.
She shook her head. “I know all those things, Sebastian. My parents left me on a set of church steps when I was four, and I spent most of my life moved from one home to the next. I’ve been hungry, and I almost froze to death when I was twelve. I never felt wanted in all my life until I met Darrell.”
Shit.
Suddenly, a memory of Deloris telling me that Jane had once been in the system invaded my mind, and I couldn’t help but feel like a total asshole.
She pulled away, sadness altering her beautiful face and making me feel even worse.
I didn’t let her go.
Instead, I pulled her closer, and she came to me, resting her head on my shoulder as I rubbed sweetly at her back.
“I’m sorry.” I said the words for what could have been the first time in my entire life.
I meant them.
Two tiny words and I meant them more than anything.
She pulled away and looked me in the eye. I didn’t look away, suddenly feeling comfortable with her seeing my inner demons and the hurt from the life I’d led.
I was only seventeen, but I had the mental scars of an eighty-year-old man. Somehow, I knew Jane understood that now. She’d lived a similar life, if not worse, than my own.
Growing up in the system, I knew the terrible things that happened to little girls in foster homes. I knew all about the sick fucks who got off on children, and looking down at Jane and seeing the understanding in her eyes, I knew she’d had things happen to her that left her scarred as well.
“Sebastian.” She whispered my name.
Her eyes dipped to my lips as she nibbled her bottom lip nervously.
I swallowed, the tension in the room choking me. “Yeah?”
“Do you think it would be okay if I gave you a birthday kiss?”
My stomach dipped in preparation for her lips. I wanted nothing more than to taste her again. It was all I could think about since she’d kissed me the night before.
I nodded.
“I think it’s the only thing I want for my birthday. You’re all I want.”
My voice sounded different.
Deeper.
Desperate.
I sounded like someone else.
Someone who apologized and practically begged for another person’s touch.
Her touch.
She moved in, and I could smell the mixed drink she’d had earlier in the night on her breath. It was fruity, mixed with just a touch of something strong, and I felt drunk on her instantly.
Just as she was about to place her lips against mine, the moment was broken.
“Sebastian?” Deloris called out seconds before stepping into the kitchen.
Jane and I had just enough time to pull apart, but not enough time that Deloris didn’t see the movement. She might not have seen our almost kiss, but she for sure saw that we jumped and were obviously up to something.
“What?” I snapped, feeling irate that I’d lost out on the one thing I wanted at that moment.
The moment was gone, and I knew we wouldn’t get it back.
“I’ve been looking for you. We have to get going here pretty soon, and the kids want to say goodbye.”
Jane moved across the kitchen, leaving me feeling cold and stiff everywhere.
“I’ll just leave you two alone,” she muttered as she passed Deloris and left the room.
Deloris’s eyes moved accusingly over me, making my chest feel tight with guilt. I tugged at my T-shirt, trying to relieve the pressure.
“Is there something I should know, Sebastian?” Deloris asked.
Leaning against the counter, I pulled out sarcasm to shield the moment.
“I’m sure there are a lot of things you should know, Deloris.”
“You know what I’m asking you. Don’t play coy with me, boy.”
She moved into the room, her beady dark eyes devouring me and making me feel ten years old again.
“Is there something going on with you and Mrs. Jepson?”
I chuckled and rubbed the back of my neck while I tried to think of a quick explanation. Nothing was coming to me, which meant I went straight into my go-to … sarcasm.
“Seriously, Deloris, don’t you have anything better to do with your time than to harass me over bullshit?”
“That’s not answering my question, Sebastian.”
She crossed her arms, and I knew she meant business. I needed to feed her a lie and quick.
“I’m not into old ladies, but the minute I am, I’ll let you know.”
I laughed and moved toward the kitchen door to escape. Before I could leave, she grabbed my arm, her ruby red nails digging into my arm.
“I know you, Sebastian, and I know things are not okay in this house. If you and Mrs. Jepson are into something, I need to know, so I can pull you out of here.”
I tugged my arm from her grasp and adjusted my shirt with a dry chuckle.
“Nothing’s happening, and if it were, I’m seventeen now. There’s nothing you can do, Deloris. Just leave me alone. I can come and go as I please. If I want to bang some old hag, I will.” I swallowed hard, feeling guilt over calling Jane an old hag. “And if I want to leave, which I’m seriously considering, I can leave. I’d be just fine. I know how to survive.”
And I did.
I was confident I could run the streets and take care of myself. I just wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted anymore. Especially not with Jane in the picture.
“You think so, huh?”
“I don’t think so. I know so.”
“Well, Jared thought the same thing.”
I hadn’t heard Jared’s name in a long while, not since we had lived together with some crazy fucks who were partial to meth. It wasn’t good times.
He was one of the strongest dudes I knew—had been in the system since birth and housed so many times the system had all but given up on him and left him in the group home permanently.
He was older by a year and had the kind of street smarts kids like us envied. He was a friend, but in my world, when you lived pillar to post, you didn’t see your friends often.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. “Jared’s been gone for over a year now. He left this shit behind, and I’m sure he’s doing just fine out there. He’s handling business.”
I had no idea what I was talking about, but I could only assume, knowing how smart Jared was to the streets and the people on it.
Deloris’s eyes dropped, and sadness moved over her expression.
“I never told you because I didn’t want to upset you. I thought it best you think Jared had aged out and moved on with his life, but that’s not what happened.”
I swallowed, nerves rushing up my throat and nearly choking me.
“What are you talking about?”
That was what happened.
Jared had aged out and left to live on his own. Deloris made it sound like he had an apartment somewhere, a shitty paying job, and a life, which really meant he was slinging drugs on the street, making money the best way he could, and was living the life he had always talked about living.
The free life.
The same life I’d envied and thought about living myself. At least until Jane stepped into the picture.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but Jared froze to death on the side of the street last winter.”
I could hardly believe her words.
“You’re lying. Get out of here with that bullshit.”
I chuckled, knowing she was full of shit.
Jared was a better survivor than I was. He was fine. I was sure of it. He must be okay, but if Jared couldn’t make it, I knew in the back of my mind and in my heart that I couldn’t make it either.
I needed the option of leaving and being free. I needed it because without that option, I felt trapped and I became irrational.
No.
Deloris was lying.
It was that simple.
She was trying to scare me into staying in the system—scare me into leaving the Jepson’s house and going back to the group home. Well, I refused to let that happen.
“I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. I should have told you the minute I found out, but you were already going through so much. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.”
“Jared’s not dead,” I said willfully.
Because if Jared was dead, then so were my dreams of ever being on my own and living a semi-decent life.
Tears filled Deloris’s big, brown eyes, and I knew without a doubt she was telling me the truth.
Anger ripped through me. I should have been told. If I had known, I would have never put so much stock in a plan to survive on the streets. I would have let go of that dream and just prepared for the shitty life I was set to live.
“Just come home with me, Sebastian.”
I backed away from her, shocked by her words.
Deloris had always said if she could take me in, she would, but apparently, there were rules against that or whatever. I never believed her. I figured it was her way of earning my trust—her way of making me feel like she cared about me without actually having to take care of me.
“I can’t. We both know I can’t,” I muttered.
I tugged at my hair, suddenly feeling the trapped feeling I’d always hated.
“No.” She shook her head. “You’re seventeen now. You can leave if you want without a fuss. Just leave and come home with me. I can’t stand the thought of you going out there on your own and freezing to death on the streets.”
She swiped at her tears and sniffed.
“I’ve always considered you one of my sons, Sebastian. You know that. And we’d be happy to have you there. You can get yourself a little job, finish school, and we’ll go from there.”
I couldn’t lie to myself. Her argument sounded nice. Deloris was one of the few people I felt comfortable with—she was the only real mother figure I’d had in my life, which made no sense since I’d never actually lived with her.
She was just always there. From foster house to foster house and all the way back to the group home, which was the one place I always ended up, Deloris was always there. Guiding me. Trying to keep me on the straight and narrow.
She moved closer to me and placed her cool hand against my cheek. My first instinct was to pull away, but after the news of Jared and everything that was going on around me, I couldn’t move.
“Enjoy the rest of your party and take the night to think about it. Whatever’s going on here is wrong. I know it, and you know it.”
Ethan came to the door with white cake icing on the side of his mouth.
“Hey, man, you’re missing the good shit out here,” he said, licking his lips.
Deloris looked away as Ethan took her attention.
“Language, Ethan.”
She moved across the kitchen in his direction before turning my way once more.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, and we will figure this out together. Happy birthday, Sebastian.”
And then they were gone, leaving me alone in the kitchen completely confused about my life and where I was headed.
The rest of the night was a blur. I nibbled on a piece of cake and sat stiff as a bunch of people I didn’t know handed me gifts I’d never use. Like a robot, I thanked each of them while Jane and Darrell sat by and watched with loving parental smiles on their faces.
I let the words Deloris had said before she left simmer, and I knew she was right. What was going on between Jane and me was wrong, and I couldn’t expect it to continue. Nothing lasted, and I needed to hold on to the sure thing.
Deloris was that.
She’d always been the one person I could depend on. Being around Jane and seeing how the other side lived didn’t change that.
Once the house cleared, I went to my room, leaving Jane confused behind me and Darrell tipsy from the beers he’d popped with his “buddies.” I had a lot to think about, and I needed to be away from Jane and her curves and sweet smiles in order to concentrate.