NINE
I WAS IN MY ROOM FOR AN HOUR when I heard a soft tap on my bedroom door.
“Come in,” I called out.
The door popped open, and Jane poked her head in.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yep. Just peachy.”
I was lying.
Things weren’t peachy.
I was confused and aggravated. I was sad that Jared was dead and no one had bothered to tell me. It made me wonder if any of the other kids who knew Jared knew he’d froze to death on the mean streets.
And to top it off, I was experiencing a serious bout of sexual frustration because of the woman who was supposed to be family to me.
I was living in a nicer place—eating better food and more comfortable than I’d been in my life—yet my life had somehow become more fucked up than ever.
“Anything I can help with?” she asked, closing the door softly behind her.
I never knew what to think when it came to Jane. Was she offering herself to me?
Because surely an offering like her would make everything feel better.
But I knew that couldn’t be it. Just an hour ago, she was hugging him and kissing him sweetly against his drunken smile. Surely, she wouldn’t be flirting with me if he was still awake downstairs.
“Where’s Darrell?” I asked, not realizing the venom that left my tongue with just the mention of his name.
“He passed out on the couch.”
She moved across the room toward me. The moonlight sliced through her silhouette the closer she got.
She looked like a goddess.
Ethereal.
Beautiful.
She was the one thing holding me under their roof.
My mind was screaming for me to call Deloris to come and get me, but my heart and my dick pounded for Jane.
My eyes bounced over her body, taking in her movements and wishing I could touch her freely. Quickly, I turned away and leaned back against my headboard.
“What do you want, Jane?” I asked in aggravation.
“I just want to talk. Is that a bad thing? Talking is good. Communication is key, after all, right?”
She sat on the edge of my bed, making the side of the mattress dip. Her dress slid up her thigh as she rested her knee on the mattress beside her.
I swallowed and clenched my eyes closed in hopes that my mind could remain in control of my body and its actions.
“What did Mrs. Brown say in the kitchen? Did she see anything?”
My eyes popped open, taking in her tense shoulders and tight lips. She hadn’t come up to talk to me—to check on me. She’d come in my room to make sure her secret flirting with her teenage foster child was still secret.
Selfish.
She was selfish.
There I was, considering staying under her roof and possibly screwing up a good opportunity with Deloris—a real thing with Deloris. Meanwhile, all she could think about was getting caught flirting behind her husband’s back.
I chuckled sarcastically to myself. I shook my head as realization moved over me.
Jane didn’t care about me.
Deloris did.
The choice was clear.
“I’m leaving,” I stated, making Jane gasp.
“What do you mean you’re leaving?”
Sitting up and looking her in the eye, I spoke the truth. “Deloris saw us. She knows something’s up. She thinks this environment is lethal and offered me a place to stay. I agree. This shit’s lethal, and Deloris cares about me. I think it’s a good move for me.”
She nodded, nibbling on her lip as she thought over my words.
“You think we don’t care about you?” she asked.
I chuckled, not feeling any humor whatsoever.
“I think I’m a fucked-up foster kid you want to save.”
“That’s not true, Sebastian, and you know it.”
She stood, standing beside my bed and staring down at me with what looked like hurt and devastation in her eyes.
“Deloris is the only family I’ve ever known,” I said, looking away from the emotion burning behind her watering eyes.
“I see.” She breathed deep. “So we mean nothing to you?” she asked, referring to her and Darrell. “I mean nothing to you?”
Her voice dipped with her second question as if she knew she shouldn’t be asking it.
I hated the crushed expression on her face. I wanted to wipe it away, but I couldn’t keep falling into her traps. Moving on from the Jepson household and thinking realistically about my future was essential. There was no future with Jane. She could never be what I needed in my life.
“Don’t think of it like that,” I said, trying to soothe the hurt in her eyes. “It’s just, I know Darrell doesn’t want me here. I hate feeling unwanted. Deloris wants me. She wants what’s best for me.”
“You think we don’t want you? That I don’t want you?” She stabbed herself in the chest with her thumb with her words.
The hurt in her eyes transformed into something mean and angry, scratching behind her light eyes and begging to escape.
“You’re all I’ve wanted from the moment you stepped foot into this house! It hasn’t been easy, Sebastian, and trust me, I know it’s wrong, but it’s not like I can help it. It’s not like I can just cut it off.”
She turned away, making her way toward my bedroom door as if she were going to leave.
“And you’re just going to walk away. I’ve been beating myself up about this entire situation with you, trying to suppress the way I feel, and you can just walk away like I’m nothing. Like I mean nothing! Well, I guess I’m the fool because I thought we were on the same page.”
She reached for the knob, her breath coming out in heated, angry gasps, but before she could leave, I grabbed her arm and stopped her.
“Stop.” The word came out harsher than I intended, making her jump.
Again, she grabbed for the knob, but before she could turn it, I took her hand in mine.
“Stop, Jane.”
And then I heard it.
Her tiny sniffle.
She turned her face away, trying to hide the tears, but I saw the light glisten in the wet trail on her cheek before she could hide them.
Turning her, I reached up and swiped the moisture from her soft skin.
“We’re on the same page, trust me. I know what it’s like to want someone you’re not supposed to want. I fight the way I feel about you every day, too, but the shit won’t go away. I thought leaving and going to Deloris’s house was a smart decision because if I don’t leave, I don’t know how I can continue like this without touching you ... kissing you ... being with you.”
Her eyes crashed with mine, and she swallowed the emotions dancing in her eyes, leaving behind only raw desire. I’d seen Jane this way before. Every time we got close to doing something forbidden, her eyes turned fierce and determined.
She moved into me, her small arms going around my neck and her petite frame brushing against mine.
“I can’t fight this anymore, Jane. Something has to give.”
She moved even closer, her perky breasts squishing against my stomach.
“Stop fighting it, and I’ll do the same.”
Her whispered words felt like feather soft caresses against every inch of my skin. Her tongue peeked from her mouth, swiping at her seductive bottom lip.
Just like that, the temperature in the room changed—the atmosphere around her becoming thick and humid with our lust.
My mouth watered for the taste of her, so I leaned in, ready to indulge in my craving, but before my mouth could touch hers, my name rang out all around us.
“Sebastian!”
It was a boy’s voice, screaming for me from downstairs. The front door slammed, and again, my name echoed through the house.
“Sebastian, please!”
It was Ethan.
I’d know his voice anywhere.
He’d been there a few hours before with Deloris for my party, but why was he back?
There must be a damn good reason for him to be out so late at night.
Pushing away from Jane, I left my room and started toward the stairs. My feet moved quickly, taking the steps two at a time until I landed in the foyer. The hardwood creaked beneath my feet, making Ethan swing around from the direction he was facing to face me.
Tears stained his face as his wide eyes took me in. He was pale, a dark bruise dotting his cheekbone and his lip bleeding from a tiny crack in the corner.
“What happened?” I asked, feeling my heart drop to my heels.
“She’s dead.”
His words danced around me. A blur of letters that had no meaning to me.
What the hell was he talking about?
He moved, rushing into my arms like we were family or something. I didn’t hold him or hug him, but I didn’t push him away either.
“Dude, what the fuck? Who’s dead?”
Maybe he was having a breakdown or something. Kids in group homes did that from time to time. I’d seen my share of crazy walking the halls.
Then again, maybe he’d found out his biological mom was a goner. Even for us unwanted kids, it still sucked when you found out your blood relatives were dead. They were the only connection you had really. The only blood that was pure to you.
“Deloris, man! She’s dead!”
And then his words zoomed in, becoming clear as if I’d slipped on a pair of much-needed glasses and was reading them from a page.
Buzzing filled my ears and a feeling I’d never felt before swarmed in my chest. I choked on the words settled in the back of my throat, and pressure built behind my eyes.
I would cry.
I’d done so a few times in my life, so I knew what it felt like, but I fought it as hard as I could.
Pushing Ethan back from me, I settled my eyes on his bruised face and cracked lip. If someone had hurt them—if someone had killed Deloris—they would pay.
“What happened?” I asked, my voice soft and steadier than I felt.
I wanted him to give me a reason to explode. My blood was starting to feel thick in my veins as if my heart wasn’t beating hard enough or fast enough to circulate it.
I needed a reason to burst, which was what I felt like doing. A reasonable reason for me. I never broke apart because of hurt—only anger—and if Ethan didn’t give me something to be angry about, I was sure he and Jane would see right through me—see my softness.
“We were going back to the home, and a car came out of nowhere, man. T-boned the driver’s side. She didn’t stand a chance. It was the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire life. Fucking blood every—”
“Stop!” I cut him off.
I couldn’t hear the details. I didn’t want to know if she suffered or bled. Knowing she was gone was enough to bring me down.
Losing all the feeling in my knees, I bent and took a seat on the bottom step. If I didn’t sit, I was sure I would embarrass myself and fall.
All the years Deloris had stuck by me.
All the trouble I’d given her.
All the heartache.
All the bullshit.
And not once did she walk away from me.
I’d spent most of my life looking for a mother figure—most of my life looking for love and family—but what I hadn’t realized until that moment was I’d always had it.
I got a mother the second Deloris walked into my life, and her family was my family. Now my mother was gone—dead from a fucking car accident—and all I could think about was how much grief I’d given her over the years. How much shit she’d put up with from me.
I should have told her I loved her.
I should have told her what she meant to me, but I hadn’t, and now, she was gone. I’d never have that opportunity again.
“Are you okay, Sebastian?” Jane asked.
I’d forgotten she was behind me, and when she placed her tiny hand on my shoulder, I jerked in surprise.
Holding it together was vital, especially with Ethan staring back at me. The last thing I wanted was for him to go back and tell everyone I’d cried like a baby, which was what I felt like doing. Either that or I wanted to put my fist through something. I wanted to make someone or something hurt as badly as I was.
The police showed up an hour later for Ethan. The home had reported him missing, and a few of the kids told them he’d probably come to me. I guess Ethan considered me more of a friend than I realized.
The second he was out the door, the tears started developing in my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them. They flowed and flowed until I knew there was no way I could keep them in and a single tear dripped down my cheek.
Jane’s slender finger captured it before she pulled me into her arms.
“It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay,” she soothed. “I’m so sorry, Sebastian. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
In Jane’s arms.
It was where I belonged.
It must be because the minute she put her arms around me, I felt safe—I felt loved—I felt cherished.
Deloris had made me feel that way but in a motherly type of way. She’d died never knowing how much I loved her. I wouldn’t make that mistake with Jane. I was in love with her, and she needed to know. I refused to lose another person I loved without them knowing.
“I love you, Jane.”
The words came out rushed and tear-filled, but I meant every syllable. I’d never meant something more. She owned my heart—my soul—and no one would ever take them away from her.
Her arms tensed around me, and she sucked in a breath. I’d shocked her, but that was okay. As long as she knew I loved her, I didn’t care.
I waited quietly for her to respond, but she didn’t. Instead, Darrell’s voice rang out, cutting our moment in half like a machete.
“Well, isn’t this fucking sweet,” he snarled.
Darrell had been sleeping on the couch, but I guess Ethan’s loud intrusion followed by the police showing up to collect Ethan had woken him.
Jane and I leaped apart as if we were doing something wrong. We weren’t, but I guess technically, we had been for the past few weeks, and the sense of guilt was there even in the innocent moments.
“Darrell, you’re awake. I’m sorry if we woke you,” Jane said sweetly, trying to avoid an argument before she could explain.
“Yeah. Obviously, I’ve surprised you.” He motioned toward us. “Damn, Jane, you could at least take that shit upstairs. I know you like to be wild and sporadic but on the stairs? That’s just sleazy.”
“That’s not what this …” she started, but he held up his hand, cutting her off.
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it.”
He moved toward her, running a finger over her cheek softly before he turned to me, his drunken, red eyes staring me down.
“Let me ask you something, kid. Has she used her slutty little mouth to suck you off yet?” he asked, pinching her cheeks tightly in his grasp and making her lips push out.
I moved, ripping his hand from her face and slamming him against the wall. I wanted to feel anger, and Darrell had given me that chance. Anything was better than the hurt weighing my heart down over the loss of Deloris—the only mother I’d ever known.