WHEN I WOKE THE NEXT morning, Sebastian was gone. I wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t the kind of guy who spent the night. Rolling over, I pressed my face into the pillow beside me and breathed him in.
There was a hole in my chest and my body ached sweetly. I stretched to wake it. Closing my eyes, I thought about how the last few days had gone. It was bad to be so caught up in a man like him, and I knew from the beginning he was going to crush my heart, but I hadn’t cared at the time. I just didn’t understand how bad it could hurt.
My cell on the bedside table chirped and I reached out to check it. The screen lit up with my touch, showing me a text notification. Since Kyle and Sebastian were the only two people who knew my number, I knew it was from Sebastian. I pressed my finger against the tiny pink envelope on the screen.
Sebastian: Be ready by ten and wear something comfortable. It’s time to face your fears.
My stomach felt tight with fear already. I set the phone down and chewed on my bottom lip. I had no idea what the heck he was talking about, or what we would be doing come ten o’clock, but I got up and made my way toward the bathroom to shower.
The hot water soothed my sore muscles. I ran my fingers across my tight abs and aching thighs. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I didn’t know how I was going to face him and keep my feelings hidden. My emotions had no place in this deal and I would just have to get over them.
Fifteen minutes later, I was wiping fresh steam from the mirror and wrapping a fluffy towel around my breasts. I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered what I’d gotten myself into with Sebastian.
I was caught up in him completely, but to him I was just another one of his girls. It hurt to even think about him spending nights like ours with other girls.
He’d made it abundantly clear he had no interest in me outside of sex or taking care of me financially; and even then, it was because he wanted something from me.
There would be no proposals of love, or vows of fidelity. He’d stated plainly what he wanted from day one, and that was my body only. My heart, or his for that matter, were not on the table and they never would be, no matter how badly I wanted to set mine up there for him.
I thought of Kyle, and how happy he was about the condo and the fact we weren’t living in his school parking lot. No matter what, I had to do this for him. I couldn’t lose him again, when he was all I had. At least that’s what I’d keep telling myself. As bad as it stung, I refused to acknowledge that my reasons for being with Sebastian were becoming purely selfish.
Turning away from the mirror, I dried off and hung the towel up to comb through my wet hair. I got dressed, briefly wondering what a girl wore when she was facing her fears. I decided on jeans and a white button-up shirt.
The sound of the elevator made me stand from the couch. And then there he was, strutting into my apartment with his dark hair and shade-covered eyes, topped with that panty-soaking smile.
“Ready to go?” he asked.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
He reached out and placed a hand on my lower back, ushering me onto the elevator. He didn’t move his hand until he was opening the door to the car for me to climb in. I felt the loss of his warmth the minute he wasn’t there. I reminded myself that he did such intimate gestures with all of his girls, he was just practiced at what he did.
I watched him move with purpose to the driver’s side of the car. Once he was in and had his seatbelt on, I spoke.
“Can you tell me what this is about?”
“I have something for you. But first… I don’t want you walking the streets alone anymore.” His words had come from nowhere. “As long as we’re doing this, you’ll call Martin when you need to go somewhere. Understood?”
“It’s not necessary. I have two feet and—”
He cut me off. “What did I say, Jessica?”
The way he was talking to me made me mad, even though I should’ve been used to it by that point. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked out the window, pretending to ignore his words.
“Don’t go getting pissed at me. It’s only because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
I turned and looked at him shocked. His words were borderline sweet and I wasn’t sure if I should enjoy them or check him for a fever.
“What?” I asked.
I had to be sure I wasn’t hearing things.
Instead of answering me, he leaned across my lap, warming my legs. “It’s also why I bought you…” he opened the glove compartment. “This.”
I jerked when he set a pink gun on my lap. It was small. At first I thought it was a toy because of its color, but it was heavy—too heavy to be fake. Just having it close to me made me feel like having a panic attack.
“Sebastian…” I held my hands away from it, like it was going to bite me.
“Relax, Jessica. I’d never do anything to harm you. Do you trust that?” he asked, making a left turn.
“I don’t trust guns.”
“I understand. But do you trust me?”
I did. I trusted him with everything, except my heart, but neither had anything to do with the fact that guns scared the crap out of me.
“I need to know that when you’re not with me, you’re protected. It’s either this, or I hire someone to follow you around.” He kept his eyes on the road.
“I don’t understand you. Why are you doing this?”
He avoided my confusion, steering clear of clarifying anything. It was like I wasn’t even talking. He reached over and took the gun from my lap.
“It’s a nine millimeter. Sixteen rounds in the clip. Right now the safety’s on, but I’m taking you to learn how to shoot it.”
At that exact moment, we pulled up to a large warehouse. The sign out front said First Shot and there was a picture of a gun beneath it.
“Sebastian?” I said in a panicked whisper. “What’s going on? What are we doing here?”
“We’re facing fear, Jessica. You can do this.”
I was shaking my head before he finished. “No, I can’t. I can’t do this and I don’t want to. Don’t make me. Please, Sebastian.”
I closed my eyes and I could hear the gunshots echoing through my memory. When the actual sound of gunshots rang out, I practically jumped into his lap.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.” He rubbed my back and kissed my forehead. “Just do this for me.”
I looked up into his eyes and they were different. It was like I was with a completely different man. Where was the asshole from before? Where was the guy who showed no concern for anyone but himself? Being with him could give a girl whiplash.
Sebastian, or at least the man beside me, was begging me. It was subtle, but he was definitely begging.
He’d done so much for me and Kyle already. Of course, I had to give in return, but giving to Sebastian was one of the best things I’d ever done in my life. I just wasn’t sure I could give him this. It was so much deeper than my virginity.
It was fear—set deep in my core. I’d carried it around for twelve years, and it wasn’t like I could just wave it away and pretend like that night never happened. It was a memory---a nightmare I’d relived every day since I was younger.
I closed my eyes and silently begged ten-year-old me to take a chance. I breathed deep, letting the warmth from his hand on my knee seep into me. I can do this.
Sebastian was one of the biggest assholes I’d ever met, but I liked making him happy. I didn’t know what that said about me, and honestly, I didn’t care.
“Okay, let’s go. Just promise you’ll stay with me.”
“Of course I’ll be there. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
His words and the way he said them caught me off guard once again, and by the look on his face, they did the same to him. He turned away from me, unbuckled his seatbelt, and opened the door.
“Let’s do this.”
Gunshots. I didn’t think I’d ever really get over the sound of them, and that’s all you heard from the minute you got out of the car. Once you were inside, it was ten times worse. They echoed off of cement block walls and with every shot, I felt my fear rise.
I followed close behind him as he walked us to a room lined with partitions. A few people were in the room, each one with their own space, and each one aiming a gun at a paper with the black figure of a man on it.
Sebastian must have paid extra because our partition had a door to it. It was big enough for five people, and it had an extra counter to set things on the right. After entering the room, Sebastian pulled out my gun and set it on the counter.
Stepping close to me, he grinned and ran his hands down my arms. “Turn around.”
He didn’t give me much room to turn and my ass rubbed against his crotch in the process. A low groan slipped past his lips. Looking up, I shook my head and rolled my eyes.
He smirked.
“Focus,” he picked up the gun and held it in front of me. “This is a gun. Like all guns, it’s deadly, but it’s not too heavy. Without this,” he said holding up the clip of bullets, “it’s just a piece of metal. Nothing to fear, right?”
He moved the end of the gun down the side of my neck and then throat. The cold metal chilled my skin and I gasped.
I needed a boost in confidence. With one of my biggest fears being rubbed against me, I needed to hear him say it was worth it.
“Tell me why you’re doing this again.” My voice squeaked.
“I told you. I need to know you’re safe. I’ve seen some fucked up things in my life, Jess, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Okay?”
“Okay.” Hearing his words, I would have agreed to anything.
And then he shocked me by saying, “Unbutton your shirt.”
My eyes snapped toward his. “What?”
“Unbutton your shirt.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
My eyes flashed to the door, but at his words, I was too turned on to really care if it was locked or not.
“Don’t worry; no one’s going to interrupt us.”
“Did you have to pay extra for that?”
“Yes. And it’s so going to be fucking worth it. Now, again, unbutton your shirt.”
He watched me as my fingers found the first button and then the second until my shirt was completely undone.
“One of the best ways to get rid of a bad memory is to replace it with a good one. You fear guns, but I’m going to make you love this one.”
His words made me shiver.
I was trembling, in a good way, before the cool end of the gun touched my stomach, moving my shirt to the side.
His eyes didn’t release mine as I felt the tip move over one nipple and then the other. They hardened in a rush and Sebastian smiled his approval.
“See?” he said smugly. “Sometimes guns can be sexual.”
“With you, everything is sexual.”
“You’re damn right, baby. Now take off your pants.”
I didn’t need him to tell me twice and I unbuttoned and let them fall down my hips and legs. He moved the gun down my stomach and used it to trace the line of my panties.
Once, twice, and then he was moving it between my things. I moaned when the hard tip caressed me through my panties, hitting the right spot. I could feel my body’s response soaking through my panties and I surprised myself when I moved my hips over the blunt tip again.
“Sebastian…” I moaned and then my hips began to move in a steady motion.
“What, baby?”
“What are you doing to me?”
My breathing was hard, my hips moved faster as I built my release.
He chuckled. “It’s all you, baby.”
I gripped the edge of the table as I felt my orgasm take over my body. Shots were loud all around me masking my loud moans. Coming back to myself, I realized what I’d just done. I never thought I’d allow myself around a gun again, much less be given an orgasm by one.
Lifting the gun, he placed the clip in the bottom with a click and laid it back down.
“That was fucking hot, Jessica.”
I looked up at him through my lashes and laughed. “That was… different.”
“Ready to shoot now?”
A cold dose of fear laced my veins and I bit my lips, but nodded.
“Good.”
Reaching beneath the counter, Sebastian pulled out a pair of ear muffs and placed them on my head. Once he placed the ear protection muffs on me, the sounds weren’t so bad. But I could still feel their vibrations all around me every time a shot went off.
Leaning in, he pulled at the muffs uncovering my ear enough so I could hear him when he spoke.
Turning me around, his lips brushed the side of my face. “I’m going to shoot a few rounds and show you how to stand, and then you can shoot. Okay?”
With wide eyes I nodded my understanding. I was perfectly fine sitting tucked away in a corner, with my sound proof ear muffs.
I moved out of his way and he pulled out an even bigger black gun. He pressed a button and a paper with a man lined in black appeared in the distance.
Sebastian stood tall and straight, with his legs rooted firmly to the ground. Then he aimed his gun with his right hand, using his left to hold it steady. His hands kicked up every time he pulled the trigger, and I could hear the muffled sound of his shots.
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
My heart was racing and if I pressed myself against the wall any harder, I would have been in the space next to us. As scared as I was, I couldn’t help but take in his extraordinary form. His strong back—his lean arms. He wasn’t in a suit, and had opted for a nice pair of thigh-hugging jeans and a loose shirt.
The platinum watch on his wrist shook with his shots, making my eyes move down his arms, to his broad shoulders. Everything about Sebastian was big and strong. It was then I realized, I really did feel safe with him. Whether he was in love or not, he was a good man who would never let anything bad happen to me or Kyle.
When he was done, he turned and faced me.
“Your turn,” he mouthed.
I stepped up to him on shaky legs and when he held out the small pink gun, my fingers trembled around the coldness of it. I closed my eyes and adjusted it in my hand the way you should.
Sebastian pushed the button on the side wall, switching out the paper for a fresh one. Then he stood behind me, so close I could feel his heartbeat against my shoulder.
“Okay. Right before you’re going to shoot, you’ll want to take the safety off, here.” He clicked a small button on the right side of my gun. “Then, open your legs a little and hold the gun straight.” He ran his hands down my arms holding them out straight and helping me aim the gun. “There’s going to be kickback when you pull the trigger, but nothing you can’t handle. This gun is yours, which means it’s perfect for you.”
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves before I set my finger on the trigger.
“When you shoot, imagine the person who made you afraid of guns is standing in front of that paper. Aim for their head.”
I closed my eyes and the vision of the man came to me instantly. I couldn’t see his face clearly, but I remembered his outline.
Opening my eyes, I aimed the gun and pulled the trigger. It felt good, so I pulled it again and again, until finally the gun was empty and the power of the bullet leaving the gun stopped pressing against my palm.
I stood there, with an empty clip, staring at the paper full of holes. I lowered my arms, but didn’t let go of the gun. My body was shaking, but I wasn’t entirely sure it was all from fear. Adrenaline was running wild through my system and I had to take a few deep breaths to contain myself.
My eyes dropped to my hands and the death grip on the gun between them. I never expected to feel so much power, so much courage, knowing I could protect myself and Kyle if anything bad every happened again.
It was exhilarating, and I was suddenly happy Sebastian had brought me here. He pushed me to better myself.
Putting the gun down, I turned around and threw my arms around his neck. Using my strength, I pulled myself up so we were face to face and my mouth found his.
I was fierce and hungry as my tongue pushed past his lips, pushing deeper into his mouth. He wasn’t surprised by my reaction and he met my response with everything he had. Lifting my hips, I wrapped my legs around his waist and he turned, slamming us into the wall.
In one swift motion, he ripped my panties from my body and his pants were down around his ankles. He didn’t waste any time as he thrust deep inside of me. He was right; it was so fucking worth it.
Slowly, and without him realizing it, Sebastian was changing my life.