A.J

 

A.J woke early the next morning and smiled when he saw Rae fast asleep, her head resting on his bare chest. It was so strange, yet equally comforting to wake with her in his arms.

He thought about her words the night before. She was afraid; he could see it in her eyes without her even having to speak. He asked her to trust him that he would make all this right, but the truth was, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to fix things for them.

He loved Rae, of that he was certain. A.J had no doubt in his mind that what he wanted was to spend the rest of his life making her happy.

What worried A.J was he didn’t know what he had to offer her. He was a priest, that’s all he knew. It’s all he thought he would ever need to know. Sure he was also a qualified P.E Teacher, and High School Coach, but he doubted he would have a job left once Stan found out the truth about him and Rae.

He closed his eyes and blew out a long breath. How was he ever going to tell Stan?

Father Stannis had been the father A.J never had. Growing up, he lived in a one bedroom apartment in a rough part of San Francisco. His mother was a prostitute, and most nights a very young A.J was left alone in the apartment, while his mother worked the streets.

He was nine the first time he met Stan, and A.J liked him straight away. He was different to other teachers. He didn’t judge him or try to fix him. He was just there for him.

It was the first time A.J ever knew what it felt like to feel wanted. When he was eleven, his mother went out to work one night, and never came home.

At first, A.J had been afraid to tell anyone that his mother had gone. He was afraid he would be put into care, and he would never see Stan again.

It wasn’t until he was caught robbing food from a store because he was so hungry, that the truth was finally discovered. He was told to call his parents to come down to the store, but the only one he could think of to call was Stan.

That night Stan took him home with him, and A.J lived with him until he finally left to join the seminary.

But their journey wasn’t always a simple one. When A.J reached his mid-teens, he became rebellious. He was suspended from school for fighting more than once. He was picked up by the police for drunk driving a few times, and he slept around with every girl that showed him any kind of attention.

It was when A.J was seventeen that things took a turn for the worse. He had gone on a four-day bender, and Stan came to take him home from the squat he had ended up in.

They had a fight, and A.J grabbed the car keys from Stan and jumped into the car. Stan climbed into the passenger seat, in an attempt to stop him from leaving, but A.J was determined, and he tore off down the street. They had barely made it two hundred yards when A.J lost control of the car and hit a pole.

When he woke up in the hospital, A.J was devastated to find that Stan was in a coma. A.J sat by his bed and prayed. He made a deal with God that if Stan survived, he would dedicate the rest of his life to serving him.

And that’s exactly what A.J had done. At least he had until now.

Now he had to break his promise to God, but more importantly, he was going to let Stan down once more.

He knew he would have to tell him sooner, rather than later. He just didn’t know where to start.

Rae began to move next to A.J, as she stretched out and slowly opened her eyes. She looked up at A.J and gave him a sleepy smile.

“Good morning,” A.J said as he pressed his lips to her forehead.

“Good morning,” Rae yawned, and her grin widened.

“What are you smiling about?” A.J asked, giving her a curious look.

“I was just thinking that I could get used to waking up next to you so easily,” she replied as she set her head back down on his chest. “I didn’t think I would get so used to having you here, so fast.”

“Well, that’s a good thing,” A.J smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Because I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Rae sighed as she snuggled into him closer. “Because today I want to do nothing except lie here with you, and leave the rest of the world outside that door.”

“As tempting as that sounds,” A.J said and he suddenly felt a little nervous. “I have to go out this morning.”

“Oh,” Rae replied as she sat up and gave him a questioning look.

“Well, it’s Sunday,” A.J replied, knowing that this was not the answer she was expecting, or wanting to hear. “I have to do the eleven o’clock service.”

“I see,” Rae nodded, and A.J knew she was trying her hardest not to seem bothered by what he had said.

“I know that seems odd to you,” A.J said as he reached over and took hold of her chin, and tilted her face till she was looking at him. “I know you don’t understand how I can be here with you, but still go and do that; but until I talk to Stan, I have to do what is expected of me.”

“I know you do,” Rae said as she looked up into his face, and smiled. “And I promised that I would give you time, so it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” A.J asked, still worried that Rae would be upset.

“Yes,” she smiled as she leaned up and pressed her lips to his. “So stop worrying.”

“Okay,” A.J replied with a relieved sigh then added as the thought occurred to him. “Maybe you could come with me?”

“To church?” Rae asked, and A.J could see she was surprised by his request. “I think I’ll pass on that one.”

She let out a nervous laugh as she pushed up from the bed and climbed out.

“What’s so funny about me asking if you want to come to church?” A.J asked as he watched Rae pull the dressing down from the chair across from the bed, and slip it on.

“Nothing,” she said as she fastened the belt on her dressing gown, and sat down at the end of the bed. “It’s just I don’t really do the whole holy God thing.”

“The holy God thing?” A.J repeated with a laugh. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, and A.J could hear the nervousness in her voice. “I guess I don’t know if there really is some all-powerful creator in the skies.”

“You don’t believe in God?” A.J asked and regretted the tone of his question the moment he asked it. “I thought you were Catholic.”

“I am,” Rae shrugged but there was a defensive tone to her voice. “Or at least I was raised Catholic. I just don’t know if I believe that there is anyone really out there, looking after us. I mean, if there is a God, why do bad things happen to people.”

“I wish I could answer that question for you,” A.J replied with a smile. “But I do know that everything happens for a reason.”

“That’s what my mom always says,” Rae sighed as she nervously twisted a strand of hair around her finger. “But I just think that is what people say when they don’t know what else to say. Of course, things happen for a reason. They happen because some people are assholes, and don’t care who the hell they hurt.”

“Do you blame God for what Dean did to you?” A.J asked without even thinking, and the moment the words were out, he wished he could take them back. He knew by the look on Rae’s face that he had hit a nerve.

“I blame Dean for what Dean did to me,” Rae said as she stood up and instinctively pulled her dressing gown tighter around her body. “God didn’t make him do it, nor did he allow him to do it. God doesn’t exist. We are all alone in this world.”

“Do you really believe that?” A.J asked, surprised by her reply.

“Why wouldn’t I,” Rae said as she walked around the bed. “I have never seen anything to prove to me that I am wrong.”

A.J watched her for a moment and considered what he should say next. He knew he had upset her, and he didn’t know what to say to make everything okay again.

“I’m going to go make some coffee,” she said as she walked towards the door, and out of the room, leaving A.J sitting there on the bed, wondering what the hell he should do now. He knew he had upset her with the Dean comment. He knew it the moment the words were out of his mouth. He had just been surprised by what she said about not believing in a higher power.

He climbed out of bed and quickly dressed himself before he followed her out to the kitchen.

“Rae, I’m sorry,” he said from the doorway of the kitchen. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You haven’t,” she replied briskly without turning to face him.

“Yes, I have,” A.J pushed as he took a tentative step towards her, then stopped. “I guess I was just surprised by what you said. I assumed…well; it doesn’t matter what I assumed. I just don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“You want to know why I don’t believe there is a God,” Rae asked as she finally turned to face A.J. “Why I don’t believe that there is something out there, watching over us.”

She paused and stared at A.J for a moment, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he just waited for her to continue.

“When I was lying on the floor of the dance studio,” she finally continued as tears danced in her eyes. “Trying to gasp for air, as I lay there choking on my own blood. I prayed to God to help me. The pain was indescribable, and I pleaded with God to make it stop. I prayed that he would let me just die because I couldn’t take anymore. But he didn’t answer my prayers. Even after Dean had finished his attack and he left me there, slowly drowning in my own blood. I begged God just to finish it, but he didn’t. I realised, lying there in the darkness of that room, no one was going to help me. That no one was with me in my darkest hour, but me.”

“Rae,” A.J whispered as he stared at her, his heart breaking inside him for the woman he loved. “Maybe he did answer your prayers. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t your time. Maybe he gave you the strength to survive.”

“Or maybe he just doesn’t care about what happens to anyone,” Rae sighed before she turned back to the counter and continued to make coffee.

“Rae,” A.J replied as he took another step towards her, but once more he stopped. He knew there was nothing he could say to her right at that moment that wouldn’t make things any worse.

“Look,” she said as she turned back to look at him finally. “I don’t expect you to understand how I feel, no more than I expect you to change your beliefs because I don’t share them.”

“But it’s not right to carry so much anger inside you,” A.J replied as he longed to go to her and hold her in his arms. “It breaks my heart to hear that you believe that you are alone in this world.”

“Am I not?” She asked giving him a questioning look. “Because sometimes I feel like I am.”

“No,” he said as he took another step closer to her. “You have me.”

He took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes.

“You will never be alone again,” A.J whispered softly. “I give you my word.”

He leaned down and softly pressed his lips to hers as he wrapped her in his arms, and drew her into his embrace.

“I will move mountains if I have to, to prove that you will never be alone again,” A.J whispered softly against her lips.

“Don’t let me interrupt you,” Daisy's voice seemed to come from nowhere. A.J turned to find Daisy standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a big grin on her face. “Have you too kissed and made up?”

“We have,” Rae said as she forced a smile on her face, and A.J knew she didn’t want her friend to know how upset she was. “Everything is fine now.”

“Good,” Daisy beamed as she walked to the fridge and pulled out the orange juice, then took a long gulp straight from the carton.

“Use a glass!” Rae scolded her, and Daisy just laughed.

“Yes, Mom,” she said and stuck out her tongue.

“I need to go,” A.J said, wishing more than anything that he didn’t have to leave Rae, not now; but he needed to go and fulfill his duties. Until he told Stan the truth about him and Rae, he needed to keep up the illusion of normality. Once he had a plan for his future figured out, he would tell Stan everything, then he and Rae could be together properly. No more hiding.

“I understand,” Rae said and offered him a smile. A.J knew she was trying to be strong, but her eyes betrayed her, and the vulnerable, broken girl he had seen minutes earlier, was still there, still hurting.

He stepped closer to her and kissed her softly once more.

“I will be back as soon as I can,” A.J whispered.

“Okay,” she nodded and gave him a genuine smile this time.

“I love you,” he breathed against her lips.

“I love you, too,” she replied and kissed him once more.

As A.J walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind himself, he released a long, frustrated breath. He needed to make some kind of plan for his future because he knew that Rae needed him to step up and be the man that she deserved.