Rae

 

The rain was lightly falling as Rae, and her family left the church. She stood there and silently watched as the undertaker's put her mother’s coffin into the back of the hearse, for her final journey to the graveyard.

“Are you okay?” A.J asked as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and held her close to him beneath an umbrella.

“Yeah,” she sighed as she glanced up at him and gave him a sad smile. “I just can’t believe she’s gone. Everything just feels so surreal right now.”

Before A.J could reply, one of the mourners came up to Rae to offer their condolences, then another, and another. Rae was relieved when she finally got to climb back into the funeral car, to make her mother’s final journey.

As the car moved slowly along the streets where Rae had grown up, A.J reached down and took hold of Rae’s hand. Rae looked down at their intertwined fingers and released a deep breath. She couldn’t imagine getting through today without him. He had been the one thing that was keeping her grounded since he arrived on Saturday evening.

Despite the shaky start, A.J and Gerry were actually getting on okay. Sean and Colm seemed to like him too. The only one that seemed to be holding back a little was Dara, which disappointed Rae.

She was sure out of all of her family, he would be the one that would have supported her, but he had barely said two words to A.J, or Rae for that matter.

Rae was determined to talk to Dara about this, but right now she needed to get through this last part of the funeral; the part she was dreading the most.

When the cars finally made their way into the graveyard, Rae could feel a knot form in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to have to stand and watch as they lowered her mother into the ground. It would make everything final, and Rae just wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

When the cars pulled to a stop next to the grave, Rae gripped AJ’s hand tighter.

“What’s wrong?” A.J whispered as the rest of Rae’s family climbed from the car.

“I can’t do this,” she replied as she stared out the window at the mound of earth that was piled high, just a few feet away from the grave her mother was about to be lowered into. “I can’t stand out there and watch them put her into the cold ground.”

“That’s okay,” A.J assured her. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We can stay here and wait for your dad, and your brothers.”

A.J looked out of the window, past Rae and his eyes met Gerry’s. The moment they did, Gerry gave him a questioning look, and A.J replied with a small nod. He sat back into the car seat, and slipped his arm around Rae, and held her tightly.

“I know you don’t believe there is a God,” A.J said in a quiet voice. “I guess you of all people have good reason to question if he really exists or not. So I am not going to tell you that your mom is in a better place, or that she is with God or any of that stuff.”

“You don’t think she’s in heaven?” Rae asked as she turned to A.J and gave him a questioning look. “Do you believe there is a heaven?”

“I think heaven is different to everyone, Rae,” A.J replied and gave her a smile. “For your mom, I would imagine, heaven to her is to know she lives on in you and your brothers. That you take her with you in everything you do. She would want you to be brave and to be happy again. You were her life for so long, you and your brothers, so I believe she will never truly leave you. I think that’s the most beautiful part of a mother’s relationship with her children. It’s the undying, unconditional love.”

“Do you ever think of your mom?” Rae asked as she looked up into his eyes.

“Of course I do,” A.J replied. “I wonder where she is; if she is still alive, or does she even think about me? I wonder if she ever regrets leaving me behind.  But my mother was only ever a mother, she was never really a mom if that makes sense.”

“Kind of,” Rae said as she watched him closely.

“I accepted a long time ago that she was never meant to be a mom,” A.J sighed. “Not like your mom was.”

“My mom was the best,” Rae nodded, as she turned and looked out the window, just as they were lowering her mother’s coffin down into the ground. Her heart ached inside her, as she closed her eyes and prayed that she could just wake up from this nightmare.

“Are you sure that you don’t want to go out there and say goodbye?” A.J asked, and Rae could feel his eyes on her. She turned and looked at him as hot tears burned her eyes.

“I can’t,” Rae whispered.

“Then that’s okay,” A.J replied as he sat back into the seat, wrapped his arms around Rae, and drew her closer to him.

Rae closed her eyes and buried her face into his chest, as she softly cried.

Ten minutes later, the doors to the car opened once more, as Rae’s family and Daisy climbed back into the car.

“Are you okay, Pet?” Gerry asked as he climbed into the front seat, next to the driver. He turned in his seat, to look back at Rae, as she lifted her head from A.J’s chest. She looked at her dad and offered him a tearful smile.

“Not really,” she replied with a tiny sob.

“We will get through this, Angel,” Gerry said as he reached out and took hold of her hand. “We will do it together.

“Okay,” Rae nodded and tried to smile again.

The driver of the funeral car started the engine, and slowly eased the car away from the grave side. As he did, Rae looked up, and her heart almost broke. It was killing her that they were just leaving her mother there. She knew it was probably a silly reaction, but she just couldn’t get her head around the fact they were just going to drive away, and that was how it would end.

“WAIT!” She exclaimed as she suddenly sat forward in her seat. “STOP THE CAR!”

“Rae?” Gerry said as he turned in his seat once more to look at his daughter.

“I just need a moment,” she said as she pushed open the door. “I can’t leave her without saying goodbye.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” A.J asked, giving her a worried look.

“No,” she replied as she turned back and gave him a smile. “I need to do this myself.”

Rae closed the car door and took a deep breath before she walked slowly back toward the grave. When she reached the graveside, she took another breath before she stepped closer to it.

“Mom,” she whispered, as she choked back a sob. “I don’t know if I can do this without you. There is so much that was left to say; so much I need to ask you.”

She paused as she tried to calm her breathing.

“I wish so much I answered the phone that day,” Rae breathed out on a sob. “I wish I could have heard your voice one more time. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I…need more time. I… I need you.”

Rae buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

You need to get a hold of yourself! She scolded herself in her mind.

She quickly wiped her eyes and blew out a deep breath. She stared down at the board of flowers that now covered the hole that her mother’s coffin had been lowered into barely fifteen minutes earlier.

“I know if you were here, you wouldn’t understand about A.J,” Rae continued. “But I love him, Mom, I love him so much. I need you to give me a sign that you understand, that you know I’m happy.”

“Rae,” a voice came from behind her. Rae turned and froze when she saw Dean standing there.

“What are you doing here?” She asked as her fear gave way to anger. “You are not welcome here!”

“I just needed to see that you were okay,” he said as he took a cautious step closer to her.

“Of course I’m not okay,” she replied angrily. “I just buried my mother. How the hell do you think I would be in any way okay?”

“Then let me be there for you,” he said as he took another step towards her. “I love you, and I know that you love me too. I can see it in your eyes.”

“You can see it in my eyes?” she repeated with a laugh of disbelief. “The only thing you could possibly see in my eyes is how much I hate you because I do; I hate you. I hate everything that you are.”

“I know you don’t mean that,” Dean insisted as he reached out and grabbed hold of her wrist. He pulled Rae abruptly, and she lost her footing, causing her to stumble and fall against him. “I know that you could never hate me.”

“Let me go!” She hissed through her teeth as she stared up into his eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” He demanded as she twisted her wrist a little more. “You belong to me.”

“I SAID LET ME GO!” Rae cried as she pulled her hand and tried to free it from his grasp. “You’re hurting me.”

She pulled her arm again, this time freeing it abruptly, almost sending her falling backward.

Dean went to reach out for her once again, but before he could, A.J appeared behind him. A.J quickly pulled Dean’s shoulder and spun him around. Before Dean had time to react, A.J landed a punch square on his mouth.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Dean exclaimed as he reached up and wiped the blood from his lip. “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”

“I’m the one that was man enough to love Rae the way she deserved,” A.J growled at him as he pinned him with a glare that almost dared Dean to come for him. “I’m the one that fixed what you broke because you were a sad, jealous little boy. You had your chance, and you blew it.”

“What the fuck?” Dean said as he glanced at Rae like she was his prize possession. “Who the fuck is this clown?”

“I’m the one who is going to finally teach you some manners,” A.J replied as he squared his shoulders. “And I would prefer if you didn’t look at her like that. She doesn’t belong to you anymore.”

“Doesn’t she?” Dean asked with a laugh before he spat some blood from his mouth.

“Rae doesn’t belong to anyone,” AJ replied with venom. “She is not some kind of possession; she is so much more than you can see. But she is with me now, and I am warning you to stay away from her.”

“Or you’ll do what?” Dean said as he stepped closer to A.J

“I want you to stop this,” Rae said as she stepped forward, as her father, brothers and Daisy climbed from the car. Rae raised to her hand, telling them to stay where they were. “I don’t want this, not today.”

She looked at A.J and gave him a pleading look. A.J stared at her for a moment, then release a long breath, before he reached out his hand to her.

Rae smiled as she stepped forward and slipped her hands into his.

“I guess you’re not man enough to follow through on your threat,” Dean sneered as A.J turned to follow Rae back to the car. “You fucking altar boy.”

“Actually,” A.J said as he stopped and turned back to face him. “I’m a priest, not an altar boy and I think you could use a lesson from the Bible.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Dean asked with a nervous laugh as A.J stepped back towards him.

“I never joke about the bible,” A.J replied as he stepped even closer to Dean. “And do you know my favourite part of the good book? It’s the part where they talk about an eye for an eye. A lesson I think you need to learn.”

A.J grabbed hold of Dean with one hand, as he drew back his fist and connected with Dean’s face.

“That’s for every vile thing you have ever said to Rae!” A.J exclaimed before he pulled back, and hit him again. “That’s for every slap.”

Rae watched as Dean stumbled back, but before he fell, A.J grabbed him once more and landed another dig.

“That one is for every punch,” he continued, as he threw another punch. “And that’s for every kick.”

This time Dean tumbled backward and landed on the mound of earth that was across from Rae’s mother’s grave. Because of the rain earlier, it had all but turned to mud, and Dean just slid down it to the ground. A.J went to go after him, but this time Rae stepped in front of him.

“Enough,” she simply said as she looked up at him and gave him a pleading look. “He really isn’t worth it. Besides, you’re not him. Dean only ever hits someone that was weaker. He is just a pathetic asshole. You’re so much better than that.”

A.J stared down at Rae for a moment, before a smile slowly spread across his face.

“Let’s go,” he said as he held out his hand to her, and Rae instantly reached up and took it.

As they walked back to the car, Rae couldn’t help but notice the smile on her father’s face. When they reached the car, Gerry held out his hand to A.J.

“About time someone taught that man a lesson,” Gerry said as A.J took his hand and shook it firmly. “Thank you, Son.”

“My pleasure,” A.J replied before they all turned and climbed into the car.

As the car eased out of the graveyard, Rae glanced back at Dean through the window as he picked himself up from the ground, and she smiled. For the first time in so long, she felt free. Something deep down inside told her that she would never see him again.

Thanks Mom! She thought to herself happily as they drove back towards home, knowing that her mother had just given her the sign she asked for.