A.J

 

Over the next two weeks, Rae continued to help Calum, and A.J went to the dance practise whenever he could. On the days that he couldn’t make it, his head would be filled with thoughts of Rae and how the practice was going.

He had told himself that it was because he considered her his friend now, and also he was worried about Calum, but deep down inside he knew it was more. When he wasn’t there, he missed her; it was that simple.

The night of the first dance lesson, Rae had opened up to him in a way he hadn’t expected her to. He was sure he had made a connection with her. She had confided in him her darkest thoughts, and he believed that she trusted him now. That night he had seen the real Rachel Sullivan.

However, the next day the guarded, unreadable Rae had returned, and A.J wasn’t sure how to reach her again. He was both confused and frustrated with his feelings for her, and he had no idea how to break her walls down once again.

Still, he loved going to the dance practice and watching her dancing.  While she danced, there was moments that you still got to see the real Rachel Sullivan, when she became lost in the music. When she did, she was beyond breathtaking.

One afternoon, A.J arrived early to the dance studio, and he was surprised to find Rae there alone. She hadn’t heard him come in, so he quietly took his seat in the corner and watched her as she stretched and took her position in the centre of the room.

Suddenly music filled the air, and Rae closed her eyes and started to move slowly. He recognised the song, but he wasn’t sure what it was called.

Rae closed her eyes and began to slowly move in time with the music. As she danced, it was like she felt each word and was telling the story with her entire body.

A.J was completely captivated by her. His heart ached as he watched her dance, and he didn’t know why. It was the most beautiful, yet heartbreaking thing he had ever witnessed.

As the song built, so did the passion in the dance, so much so A.J could barely breathe as he choked back the sudden lump of grief that was almost choking him.

When the song finally ended, Rae dropped to the floor and didn’t move for a moment. A.J held his breath, wishing now he hadn’t watched her most private moment.

Suddenly a sob echoed around the room, as Rae buried her face in her hands and let go of what, A.J had no idea.

His first instinct was to go to her and wrap her in his arms, but something stopped him. He sat for a moment, his heart hammering in his chest.

A.J closed his eyes and silently prayed.

Dear God, give me the strength I need to stay this course. To be the friend she needs and not the weak man that I truly am.

He knew in that moment, he needed to walk away. It was the coward’s way out, but it was the only way he knew how to handle this. The only way to allow her to have her dignity.

A.J stood up as quietly as he could and slowly walked to the door, and let himself out of the studio. He walked slowly back towards the main office, but as he reached the door his stomach heaved, and he knew he was going to be sick. He ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the cubicle before he dropped to his knees and violently threw up.

He kneeled on the floor and stared down at his trembling hands, as he tried to steady his breathing.

What the hell is wrong with you? He cried to himself in his mind. What is it about this girl that makes you so weak?

He knew that he needed to remember that part of his calling to be a priest, was to be there for people when they needed him, but he knew there was no way he could be true to his vows, and be there for Rae too.

He decided the best thing he could do now was try and keep his distance from her. He needed to give her some space, and take some space for himself too.

It had been a week since A.J watched Rae in the dance studio. A week since he had talked to her, and he wasn’t sure if he had made things better or worse for them both.

Even though he hadn’t spoken to her, she was all he could think about. When he saw her around the school, he would watch her from a distance, but then go out of his way to avoid having to talk to her.

He knew he was a coward. He had said he would be her friend and would be there for her; but now it was hard for him, he had let her down.

The guilt and shame A.J felt was almost consuming him. He spent hours sitting in the school chapel, silently talking to God, but it gave him little comfort.

When he arrived at the school that morning, he spotted Rae walking down the corridor, heading to her class after practice with Calum. She was talking to one of the other teachers from the school, and A.J liked that she was smiling and seemed happy.

“Father Alex!” Calum called from the far end of the hallway, and Rae instantly looked up and searched for him. The moment she saw him, her smile faded a little, before she turned back to the teacher she was talking to and continued down the corridor.

A.J’s heart sank. He knew he had let her down, and he felt like the shittiest person in the world.

Before he could think, Calum had reached him, and A.J knew he needed to pull his shit together.

“Hey,” Calum said as A.J turned to face him.

“Hi, Calum,” A.J said, forcing a smile on his face that he really didn’t feel. “How’s it going?”

“Really good,” Calum replied. “Ms. Sullivan said that I am nailing the routine now. I can’t wait for you to see it. We miss you hanging out at training.”

“You do?” A.J asked as he began to walk along the corridor towards the school office.

“Well I do,” Calum sighed, and his smile faded a little. “Ms. Sullivan hasn’t really said anything, but I am sure she misses you too.”

A.J smiled, but he didn’t say a word.

“Father Alex,” Calum said as he stopped and looked at A.J. “Did you and Ms. Sullivan have a fight or something?”

“No,” A.J replied, surprised by the boy’s question. “What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Calum shrugged. “I guess I just wondered. One day last week, I arrived late at training, and it looked like she was upset, and you haven’t been to rehearsals since then.”

“Nothing happened, Cal,” A.J reassured the boy. “I’ve just been really busy, that’s all.”

“Okay,” Calum sighed, but A.J knew that the boy was less than convinced. “It’s just; I think Ms. Sullivan misses you. She hasn’t said, but I have seen her check the door sometimes.”

“I will drop by,” A.J replied, knowing he was letting both Calum and Rae down. He needed to put his own feelings aside and keep the promises he made to them both. “I promise.”

“Good,” Calum smiled, and he hooked his thumbs into the straps of his backpack. “I should be going to class.”

“Will I see you for basketball training today?” A.J had asked before the kid hurried off.

“Duh!” Calum said as he turned back and gave A.J a grin. “I’ll be there, coach.”

A.J smiled, as he turned and continued on to the school office, and vowed to himself that he would step up and do better for both Calum and Rae.

“Good work today, guys,” A.J shouted out and clapped his hands as he watched his team heading into the locker rooms and the showers. “You work like that at the game tomorrow night, and we have it in the bag.”

His comment was met with a cheer before they all vanished through the doors.

A.J stood for a moment and made some last minute notes in his notebook before he began to gather up the basketballs that were scattered around the gym.

As he reached down to pick up one of the balls, something in the bleachers caught the corner of his eye. He looked up and was surprised to see Rae sitting in the bleachers watching him.

He froze for a moment, before he gave her a nervous smile, and slowly walked across the gym, still holding a basketball in his hands. He didn’t know why, but he felt almost like it was the only thing that would protect him and keep a barrier between him and Rae. Each step he took, his heart thumped just a little bit faster and faster.

“Hey,” he said when he reached the bottom of the bleacher where Rae was sitting; she was about four rows up from the floor. “How long have you been there?”

“Not long,” she replied in a tone of voice A.J had never heard from her before; her face totally unreadable. He stood for a moment and considered what he should do next.

“Well it’s good to have you here,” A.J said as he nervously climbed the steps to the third row before he sat down in front of Rae. “Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged and looked him in the eyes. She looked hurt and a little angry, too. “You tell me.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” A.J lied and dropped his eyes from hers. He felt ashamed of himself for being so weak.

“Yes you do,” Rae sighed. “You just disappeared. You said you were my friend; you said that you would be there, but then you vanished, and I don’t know why.”

“It wasn’t like that, Rae,” A.J insisted, but he knew that was a lie too. It was exactly like that.

“Isn’t it?” She asked, as her voice cracked, and A.J instantly looked back up at her as she suddenly stood up. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. I think this is a mistake.”

Rae went to climb down from the bleachers, but A.J quickly reached out and grabbed her hand, stopping her from leaving.

“Please, wait!” He said as he too stood up. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right, I have behaved like an asshole, and I’m sorry.”

“I trusted you,” she whispered without looking at him. “Despite everything, I trusted you.”

“I know,” he replied. “And I let you down. There is no excuse for how I have behaved, but I need you to believe that you can trust me.”

“What did I do?” Rae asked as she finally looked at A.J. “I thought we were friends.”

“We were,” he replied as the guilt inside him, almost consumed him. “We still are. You didn’t do anything wrong, Rae. This was my issues, not yours.”

“Then why do I feel like you’re avoiding me?” She asked as she gave him a questioning look.

“Because I have been,” A.J replied honestly, and he could see the surprise in Rae’s face. “But it’s nothing you have done wrong; I promise you that.”

“Then why?” She asked as she held his eyes with hers.

BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! He screamed in his head, as the realisation hit him. He loved her, and he didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling.

“It’s nothing that matters,” A.J sighed, knowing that telling her the truth wasn’t an option. “Can you please forgive me, and give me another chance?”

“I don’t let people in, A.J,” she whispered as tears danced in her eyes. “I don’t know how to let people know the real me…I trusted you.”

“I know I’ve let you down,” A.J sighed, wishing more than anything he could shut out how he felt about her. “But I promise I will never push you away again.”

“I’m afraid to trust you again,” Rae admitted honestly.

“I’m afraid too,” A.J admitted and surprised Rae once again.

“Why?” She asked as she looked deep into his eyes. “What is it you’re not telling me?”

“It’s so complicated,” A.J breathed out. His eyes dropped to her mouth, and for the briefest of moments he wondered what it would be liked to kiss her.

Since he had taken his vows, he had never missed that part of relationships. He had never regretted for a single second devoting his life to God. He loved that he was a small part of something bigger. That was, until that very moment.

For the first time since he took his vows, he wondered if he had been wrong. He wondered if there was more to life than what he had. For the first time, he wanted more; he wanted Rae.

He held his breath and leaned forward, longing so much to feel her lips against his. But suddenly he realised what he was doing and stopped just inches from Rae.

“I should really go check on the team,” A.J said as he pulled back from Rae, knowing he was now playing with fire. “They can cause trouble in the locker room if I am not around to keep an eye on things.

“Okay,” was all she said, but the look in her eyes told A.J that she was just as confused about her feelings as he was. “I need to be going, anyway.”

She turned and hurried down the steps and headed straight for the door.

“Rae,” A.J called after her and stopped her in her tracks. “I promise I will try harder.”

“Okay,” she replied without turning back to face him. Without saying another word, she hurried towards the door and left A.J standing on the bleachers wondering what the hell had just happened.

“FUCK!” He yelled as he threw the basketball he was holding across the gym with such ferocity, it didn’t stop till it hit the far wall and bounced back across the floor.

He sat down on the bleachers and buried his face in his hands. Why was he so weak?