Rae

 

“Are you girls sure you don’t want to come with us?” Gerry asked as he looked at his daughter and Daisy. “You know, we could wait if you want to put your face on.”

“If we want to what?” Daisy asked with a loud laugh.

“He means if we want to put makeup on,” Rae explained as she too laughed. “It’s what my mom always said. She would never leave the house without her face on.”

“That is so funny,” Daisy laughed harder. “I imagined something completely different.”

Colm had suggested that the lads took Gerry for a few pints to get him out of the house for an hour. Dara wanted Rae and Daisy to go with them, but Rae insisted that she and Daisy were going to have a girl’s night in.

“We won’t be gone too long,” Gerry said as he walked over and kissed Rae on the top of the head. “Or we could stay if you would prefer it.”

“No!” Rae insisted as she stood up and hugged her father. “We will be okay here. So go with the boys. They want to do this with you.”

“But I don’t like leaving you here alone,” Gerry insisted, and Rae knew that he was worried about Dean. Rae hadn’t heard from him since she arrived home, but she knew herself it was just a matter of time.

“But I’m not here alone,” Rae replied with a grin. “And if he is stupid enough to turn up here, Daisy will kick his ass.”

“If you need me,” Gerry sighed, still not fully convinced. “You call me on my phone thingy, and I will come straight back.”

“I promise,” Rae said as she hugged her father once more, “Now go, and don’t forget to bring me back some peanuts.”

This made Gerry smile. When Rae was a little girl, every time her mom and dad went out for the evening to the local pub, Rae would always call after them as they left the house, ‘don’t forget my peanuts.'

“I won’t forget,” he laughed as he headed towards the hallway, to where Rae’s three brothers were waiting for him, and Rae followed them out. She stood at the doorway and watched as her father and brothers walked down the driveway of the house, and vanished down the street.

Rae released a long sigh before she stepped back inside and closed the door. She headed back into the living room, where Daisy was already pouring two glasses of wine. She quickly passed one to Rae, then picked up her own glass.

“To your mom,” Daisy said as she raised her glass.

“To Mom,” Rae replied, and gave her friend a sad smile.

“I had Colm order us some pizza before he left,” Daisy informed Rae. “Your favourite, double chicken, double cheese. It should be here soon.”

“But we had dinner,” Rae replied, giving her friend a surprised look.

“I had dinner,” Daisy sighed and shook her head. “You barely touched your plate. If you’re going to drink, you can’t do it on an empty stomach. I thought you would have learned that one from your birthday last year.”

“That’s true,” Rae replied and shuddered as she recalled the long night she had spent on the bathroom floor, for her twenty-sixth birthday. “Speaking of birthdays. What are you going to do about your thirtieth? The plan was to come here for your birthday, so I guess that’s out since we are here now. Do you think we should have a big party in the apartment?”

“I don’t know,” Daisy shrugged before she took a sip of her wine, then added. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure if you would be coming back to the apartment.”

“Why wouldn’t I go back?” Rae asked, giving her friend a questioning look. “That’s my home now.”

“But so is this,” Daisy shrugged as she gave her friend a knowing smile. “And your dad is here; and your family…”

“You’re my family too, Daisy,” Rae sighed as she smiled at her friend. “Of course I’m going to go home. Okay, maybe I need to stay here for a week or two, but my life is there.”

“So is A.J,” Daisy added, giving her friend a cautious look.

“I think A.J and I are done,” Rae sighed miserably. “I acted like a complete bitch to him. I said things purely to hurt him, and I told him to go to hell. He will probably never talk to me again, and I have no one to blame but myself.”

“I think he may surprise you,” Daisy said as she slid an envelope out from beneath the cushion she was resting against. “He came to the apartment, the night you left. He turned up about eleven o’clock.”

“He… he was at the apartment,” Rae asked as her heart began to hammer in her chest. “But I thought he had left.”

“He had,” Daisy replied then added with a laugh. “For like, five minutes. Then his stupid ass realised that he couldn’t live without your stupid ass and he came to win you back.”

Rae didn’t reply. She didn’t know what to say. Her mind was racing with so many thoughts right at that moment.

“He loves you, Rae,” Daisy continued as she finally handed her the letter. “And he asked me to give you this.”

Rae looked down at the envelope in her hand as her heart raced even faster. This was a letter from A.J. Part of her wanted to tear it open and read it straight away, but part of her was afraid of what it might say inside. Taking a deep breath, she slowly opened the envelope and slipped out the paper inside.

Rae,

I am writing this letter to you, hoping that somehow you will read this and know what is truly in my heart. There are so many things I want to say, but I have no clue where to start other than to tell you I love you.

I love you.

That’s it. That’s all there will ever be. You are everything I want, every day, for the rest of my life. You are my life. Hurting you is not what I wanted, and it is killing me knowing that I have. I feel so completely lost without you. You are my reason to breathe, and the reason I want to be a better man.

I need you to know that I didn’t leave because I needed time to think about how I felt about you. You are the one thing I’m sure about. You are the only thing I know to be true. I left because I need to be sure that I’m the man you deserve. I needed to leave to find me, because I’m afraid that I have nothing to truly offer you, other than my heart. I need to know if I can be more.

I know you don’t understand this, and if I’m honest, I don’t fully understand it myself. I just need you to believe you are enough, and I just wanted to be enough, too.

But now, as I sit here writing this letter, I know that leaving was the wrong thing to do. You were right; I should have stayed and fought for us. I should have been braver. I don’t know that I can ever make things right between us again, but know that I will do whatever it takes to try.

You are my heart, Rae. I need you to believe that. I need you to know that I will love you till my final breath. If you believe nothing else, believe that this is true.

Always yours, A.J x.

Rae stared at the piece of paper after she had read it for the third time. Hot tears burned her eyes, and an overwhelming sadness settled in her chest, but in her mind, there was a tiny flicker of hope.

She looked up at her friend through the tears that were dancing in her eyes and gave her a sad smile.

“See,” Daisy grinned as she moved closer to Rae. “He loves you so much. You should have seen him in the apartment. He looked so pitiful it was kind of sweet, in a sad way.”

“I just wish I wasn’t so far away from him right now,” Rae sighed as she reached for her glass and blinked back the tears. She had cried enough these last few days, and she didn’t want to cry again “I wish a lot of things were different.”

“I know you do sweets,” Daisy said as she reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. Just then the doorbell sounded, and Daisy stood up. “Pizza is here. I’ll get the door; you fill up those glasses.”

Rae picked up the bottle of wine and filled Daisy’s glass. She was about to top up her own glass when she heard Daisy’s raised voice from the hallway. She stood up and was about to walk towards the door when it opened suddenly, and Dean came storming into the room.

“Rach!” He exclaimed when he saw her standing there.

“I told him to get the hell out,” Daisy said as she came rushing in behind him, and quickly put herself between him and Rae. “But he pushed past me. Shall I call the police?”

Rae stared at him for a moment, feeling both stunned and terrified to see him standing there. It had been over three years since she had last seen him, but he looked exactly like she remembered him. She froze as memories of the night in the dance studio came crashing into her mind.

She closed her eyes and quickly shook the memories from her mind.

“Yes,” she replied, as she opened her eyes once more. “Call them.”

“NO, WAIT!” He pleaded as he took a step towards Rae. “I just came here to talk to you, that’s all. I heard about your mother, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I was. I know how much you love her, and I just needed to know that you were doing okay. Please, I only came to talk.”

“You shouldn’t have come here at all,” Rae replied, staring at him in disbelief. “You know you’re not supposed to be here. I have a barring order…”

“Actually, that ran out almost eight months ago,” Dean cut in as he tried to step around Daisy, but she immediately stepped in front of him once more. “But you know you don’t really need it. I told you I wouldn’t hurt you again. I’ve changed. If you would just give me a chance. I’ve missed you…”

“You are not welcome here,” Daisy said looking up into his face. Rae looked at her friend and thought that even though she was considerably smaller than Dean, she wasn’t afraid of him. “She doesn’t want to hear your crap. Now get the hell out, before I throw you out myself!”

Rae knew from the expression on Dean’s face he was thrown to have this girl squaring up to him. He was used to girls being intimidated by him, and Daisy wasn’t. Daisy was angry, and she was not about to let Dean away with anything.

“I didn’t come here for trouble,” Dean tried to reason as he looked past Daisy at Rae once more. “I just want to talk to you.”

“There is nothing left to say, Dean,” Rae sighed. “I want you to leave. My dad will be home any minute and if he finds you here…”

“No he won’t; I saw him and your brothers leaving a short while ago,” he replied surprising Rae. Clearly he had been watching the house, waiting for his chance. He thought she would be alone; he hadn’t counted on Daisy being there. “Please, Rach. If you would just give me one last chance. I love you so much. I’ve never stopped loving you.”

“You don’t love me!” Rae shot back as she looked him straight in the eyes, suddenly feeling determined that she would not let herself feel scared and frightened anymore. “You don’t even know me anymore. And my name is Rae or Rachel, not Rach. But you don’t deserve even to speak my name. You lost that right the day you left me for dead.”

“Rach…I mean Rachel, please,” he begged, but Rae knew by the look in his eyes that he was getting angry, and she needed to shut this down fast.

“NO!” She exclaimed. “I have moved on. I have a new life that you will never be a part of. Now please, go.”

“You know you still love me,” Dean said as he pinned her with his gaze. “Love doesn’t just disappear…”

“What we had, was not love,” Rae cut him off. “No matter what you believe it was. Now get the hell out.”

“You heard her,” Daisy said as she stepped closer to Dean, and Rae held her breath. She knew Dean too well not to be able to read his thoughts. She could tell from the look on his face; he would have liked nothing more than to lash out and put Daisy in her place, most likely with his fist.

“You know this is not over,” he said as he looked toward Rae, before he gave Daisy one last glare then he turned and stormed out of the house.

Daisy went after him to make sure he had gone, and that the door was locked. Rae just stood there, rooted to the spot, completely thrown by what had just happened.

“Jesus Christ!” Daisy exclaimed as she walked back into the room. “That guy has serious issues.”

“You have no idea,” Rae sighed as she walked to the sofa and sat down. “He is never going to leave me alone, is he? I haven’t seen him in over three years, and he talks like we broke up last week.”

“Maybe we should call your father,” Daisy said, giving Rae a worried look. “Just in case he comes back.”

“I don’t think he will,” Rae said, but in her heart, she wasn’t completely convinced that he wouldn’t. She just didn’t want to get her dad or her brother’s involved. Not right now. “And I don’t want my dad to know he was here. Not now. They have enough to deal with, what with losing Mom. I don’t want to give any of them more to worry about.”

“But they would want to know,” Daisy insisted.

“Please, Daisy,” Rae pleaded, but before Daisy could reply, the doorbell sounded once more, and Rae could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She could see the fear on Daisy’s face too. “Maybe it’s the Pizza Man.”

“I’ll get it,” Daisy said as she walked back towards the door.

“No!” Rae said as she stood up. “Let me. If it is him, I am not letting him think I’m afraid of him.”

Rae walked out into the hallway but hesitated before she opened the door. What if it was him? What if he had come back to finish what he had started all those years before. She took a step back from the door, unsure if she could face him again.

As she did, the doorbell sounded once more, and Rae knew he was not going to go away quietly. She took a deep breath before she reached for the door.

When she opened it she froze, completely stunned to find A.J standing there.

“Rae!” He said as he gave her a nervous smile.