Rae

 

When Rae reached her apartment, she headed straight into the kitchen where she found an exhausted looking Daisy sitting at the table, eating two-day old pizza, and reading through some crappy magazine.

“Do you know how disgusting that is?” Rae asked as she walked into the kitchen.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Daisy asked as she looked up and saw her friend standing in the doorway.

“Don’t ask,” Rae sighed as she walked to the table and sat down in the chair across from her friend. When she was seated, she dropped her head down to the table, and let out a frustrated cry.

“Okay, now you’re worrying me,” Daisy said as she set down her magazine and leaned forward in her seat. “Spill now!”

“I got suspended for the rest of the week over Calum,” Rae explained as the words came out in a rush. “Plus, A.J is going to tell Stan about us, though… you know what, I think he already knows. He told A.J to stay back to discuss something after he chewed us out, but I couldn’t wait to see what happened because I had to leave the school, because apparently once I’m suspended, I can’t be on the premises. I tried to wait to talk to A.J, but the secretary was having none of it.”

“Whoa, back the truck up a little!” Daisy cried. “I’m half asleep, so my brain isn’t working too quickly. Start from the beginning, and leave nothing out.”

So Rae told her friend everything that had happened, and Daisy sat with her mouth open, taking every word in.

“WOW!” Was all she said when her friend was finished telling her everything that had happened. “Holy fucking shit.”

“I know,” Rae sighed miserably. “Now I have no idea what happened. For all I know, they could have kidnapped him and taking him to priest jail somewhere.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Daisy laughed as she gave Rae a reassuring smile. “I’m sure he will let you know what happened, as soon as he can.”

“I hope so,” Rae sighed, and she rested her head down on the table once more. “I think that I will go lay down. I have the mother of all headaches.”

“I’m just going to finish my pizza,” Daisy replied with a grin. “Then I am going to crash too. I need to sleep before tonight. There is a bunch of us meeting up for drinks. You could come with me if you want to?”

“I think I will just wait and see if A.J calls first,” Rae sighed and offered her friend a sad smile before she headed down the hallway to her room.

When she reached her room, she flopped back on her bed and stared at the ceiling and thought about A.J. What if he has changed his mind? As much as Rae wanted to believe that he loved her enough to stand up to Stan, she knew he loved Stan too, and she was worried that he would get into his head. She closed her eyes and released a deep sigh.

Suddenly, her phone began to ring, and she sat up quickly and pulled it from her pocket.

When she saw her mother’s number flashing on the screen, she sighed and set the phone down on her bedside locker. As much as she loved her mom, the last thing she needed right at that moment, was to answer twenty questions about why she wasn’t in class, even though Rae knew her mother thought it was the evening time, just like it was back in Ireland.

She flopped back down on the bed and closed her eyes once more. She was just starting to doze when a soft tap on the door startled her, and she sprung up on the bed once more.

She smiled the moment the door opened, and A.J stuck his head inside and gave her a nervous smile.

“What are you doing here?” Rae asked as she swung her legs down from the bed. “He hasn’t sacked you has he? Oh God, he has, hasn’t he?”

“No,” A.J replied, as he tentatively walked across the room, and sat down next to her on the bed. “No, he hasn’t fired me.”

“Then what happened?” Rae asked as she gave him a worried look. “Did… did you not tell him? Because it’s okay if you didn’t. I know today wasn’t the best day to do it, especially after the Calum thing. If you couldn’t, I understand.”

“I told him,” A.J said without looking Rae in the eye. “Though, he pretty much had already figured it out. Well, most of it.”

“What did he say?” Rae asked, but she knew from A.J’s demeanour, that Stan hadn’t taken the news too well. “Was he angry with you? Stupid question I suppose.”

“He wasn’t really angry,” A.J replied as he finally let his eyes meet Rae’s, and she was surprised when they glistened with unshed tears. “He was actually quite calm about the whole thing.”

“Then what is it”? She asked as she took his face in her hands. “Talk to me, because you’re scaring me.”

“I love you so fucking much,” He breathed out in a rush of words, as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to her. “I never want you to forget that. You are all I want.”

“I love you, too,” Rae breathed against his mouth, before A.J kissed her harder until Rae pulled back and looked at him in confusion. “A.J what is it, what has happened? Why are you so upset?”

“I just… I didn’t realised just how much I loved you until this very moment,” He said taking hold of her face. “I love you so much, that I can barely breathe…”

A.J closed his eyes and pressed his head to her.

“A.J,” Rae whispered as tears suddenly trickled down her face. “What’s wrong? Please! You’re scaring me?”

He opened his eyes and looked at Rae, and something in them almost broke her heart. She didn’t know why it was just a feeling she had deep down inside her. There was something he wasn’t saying; something that was bad, but she had no idea what it was.

Before she had time to say another word, A.J claimed her lips once more, and slowly pushed her back down onto the bed.

“A.J,” Rae whispered as he kissed her neck, and his hands glided down over her body. “We need to talk first.”

“Please,” he whispered against her skin. “I need you.”

She knew that she should stop him, there was so much for them to talk about, but right at that moment, she just wanted to make him happy. She wanted everything to be okay between them, the way it was supposed to be.

A.J claimed her mouth once more, as he moved above her. Rae could feel his arousal press against her, and every last thread of doubt vanished from inside her, as she leaned up and kissed him harder.

Suddenly, something changed between them both, as an urgency took hold and they began pulling at each other’s clothes, until they were both naked, their skin pressing against skin, and their bodies almost one.

Rae cried out, as A.J pushed into her, filling her completely. Her body trembled with a mixture of longing and fear. She wrapped her arms around A.J, and held onto him so tightly, afraid that her world was about to be pulled apart.

“I love you,” He whispered again, but his voice cracked with unshed tears, and it broke Rae’s heart.

As A.J slowly rocked into her over and over, Rae softly cried, and held onto the man she loved, and prayed to God for the first time in a long time, that she wouldn’t have to let him go.

Rae held A.J as close to her as she could, as he slowly made love to her. She closed her eyes and gave herself to him completely because right at that moment, she knew it was what he needed, and he was the only thing that truly mattered to her.

A.J took his time, taking Rae higher and higher, each thrust filling her entire body with want and need for him.

Finally, Rae could hold back no longer, and she held him tighter as her body came undone beneath him.

A moment later, A.J too found his release, as he pushed into her and cried out her name.

They lay there together in each other’s arms for what felt like forever. Rae was almost afraid to let him go because she had no idea what he was about to tell her.

Finally, he raised his head and looked down into her eyes.

“I need to tell you something,” he said, and Rae held her breath. “Before I tell you, I want you to know that I love you more than words can even express.”

“Okay,” she whispered as she looked up into his eyes. A.J pulled back from her and set up on the bed.

“I am going away for a while,” he said, suddenly unable to look at Rae anymore. “I’m going to San Diego; they have a retreat there.”

“Okay,” Rae said once more as she too sat up, but her eyes never left A.J.

“Stan said that he would support my decision to leave the church,” A.J continued, still not looking at Rae. “But he wants me to take some time to think about it.”

“I see,” Rae said as a sickening knot of frustration settled in her stomach.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he said as he finally looked at Rae. “But I owe it to Stan…”

“How long will you be gone?” Rae asked, feeling more than a little upset by what he had just said.

He stared at her for a moment, before he dropped his eyes from hers once more.

“A month,” A.J whispered nervously.

“A MONTH!” Rae exclaimed as she jumped up, and grabbed her dressing gown from the end of the bed. “Jesus A.J!”

“I know that seems like a long time…” He began as he watched her pulling on her dressing gown.

“It’s a life time,” Rae retorted as she looked at A.J in disbelief.  “I can’t believe that you would agree to do this. Do you really need a month to think about how you feel about me?”

“I don’t need a minute, Rae,” A.J exclaimed as he stood up and closed the distance between him and Rae. “I know how I feel about you. But I need to do this for Stan.”

“WHAT ABOUT ME!” Rae screamed as she pushed him away angrily. “What about what I need?”

“I’m doing this so we can be together,” A.J explained as he grabbed his boxer shorts from the floor and pulled them on.

“But we are together right now!” Rae exclaimed as she tried to wrap her mind around what he had said. “I know you love Stan, I really do; but how can you let him do this?”

“I need to show him what you mean to me,” A.J reasoned.

“By leaving me?” Rae asked as her heart hammered in her chest. “You want to show him how much you love me, you stay here, and you fight.”

“I want to,” A.J replied. “I really do, but if I do that, I will lose everything.”

“You wouldn’t lose me,” Rae sighed, hurt by that comment. “But maybe I’m just not enough for you.”

Without saying another word, she turned and stormed out of the bedroom.

A couple of moments later, a half dressed A.J came crashing out of the room after her.

“Rae I need you to understand…” A.J pleaded, but his words were lost on her. She was hurt and angry, and there was nothing about this that she understood.

“I don’t understand!” She exclaimed. “I don’t understand any of it.”

“It’s complicated,” A.J sighed.

“No, it’s not,” Rae retorted. “Either you want to be with me, or you don’t.”

“Of course I want to be with you,” A.J replied, and she could hear the hurt in his voice.

“Then be with me,” Rae begged as she stepped back towards him. She looked up into his eyes as the tears suddenly broke free and trickled down her face. “Please don’t do this. Don’t ask me to stand here and watch you leave me.”

“I need to do this, Rae,” A.J sighed, as he reached up and wiped away her tears with his fingertips. “Please understand.”

She stared at him for a moment, then took a step back.

“When do you have to leave?” She asked as she looked up into his eyes.

“Tonight,” he replied as a sickening realisation hit Rae.

“You… you’re leaving tonight?” She asked as her stomach heaved. “You already agreed to this?”

“I had no choice, Rae,” A.J replied as he stepped towards her, but she quickly stepped back.

“Of course you had a choice,” she snapped back as she blew out a deep breath. Her head was spinning with so many different emotions. She was angry and beyond hurt, but more than that, she felt like her world was falling apart. Every promise he had made, everything he had said to her, nothing of it meant anything anymore, and her heart was completely broken.

“So you came here for what?” Rae asked, as anger suddenly gripped her. “A farewell fuck!”

“NO!” A.J exclaimed, clearly stunned by her cruel comment. “This is not goodbye, and that is not what that was.”

“Then why does it feel like it is?” Rae whispered as fresh tears trickled down her cheeks. “Last night you wanted to live with me because you couldn’t bear to be away from me; today you’re leaving me for a month. Tell me how the hell am I ever supposed to believe another single word from your mouth?”

“Rae you don’t mean that,” A.J said, and she knew he was hurting too. She just couldn’t find it in her to say the words he wanted to hear. She couldn’t be the person he needed her to be.

“If you walk out that door, you can’t come back,” Rae sobbed as she looked at A.J. The fear in his face was almost too much to bear, but she knew now she had to protect what was left of her heart.

“What are you saying?” A.J asked stunned by what she had said. He closed the distance between them, and reached out for her, but stopped himself.

“I’m saying that if you leave, that’s it,” she sobbed as she took a step back from him. “I can’t do this anymore A.J. I deserve more. I deserve someone who will fight for me, not allow someone else to tear us apart. You said you needed time, I gave you time, but I can’t do this. Not anymore. You either want to be with me, or you don’t.”

“It’s complicated, Rae,” he said as he took a step towards her, closing the distance between them once more. “My life is complicated.”

“Then let me make it easier for you,” Rae sighed as she stepped around him and walked to the apartment door. Pulling it open, she turned back to A.J. “Get the hell out.”

“You don’t mean that,” A.J said as he walked towards her. “I know this is not what you want.”

“I don’t know what the hell I want anymore,” Rae hissed without even looking at A.J.

“I love you, Rae,” he whispered as he stepped as close to her as he could without touching her. “Please tell me that you love me too. Please.”

“I can’t tell you what I don’t know anymore,” Rae sobbed. “You lied to me. You said I was what you wanted, and you would never let anything come between us. I believed you. I believed that you loved me. Right now, I hate you for making me love you. I hate you for letting me believe that I was what you wanted. And most of all, I hate you for breaking my heart. Now just go!”

“I don’t want to leave you,” A.J said, but Rae was just too hurt to back down now.

“And yet you are,” she said without letting her eyes meet his.

“Please don’t do this, Rae,” A.J begged, but she didn’t respond. She didn’t even look up at him. Her heart ached as he leaned forward and brushed his lips softly against her face. “I’m begging you.”

Still she didn’t answer him, even though all she wanted to do was beg him not to go. But she knew his mind was made up. Stan had gotten into his head, and there was nothing she could say to change that.

“I’m so sorry,” he breathed against her cheek as he briefly allowed his forehead to rest against hers. “I really am.”

Without saying another word, he turned and walked out of the apartment, softly closing the door behind him.

Rae stood there for a moment, completely stunned by what had just happened. He had gone. After everything he had said; he left her.

She slowly turned away from the door and stopped the moment she saw Daisy standing there.

The minute she saw her friend, her eyes glazed over with unshed tears, and she dropped to the floor, as a gut wrenching sob escaped from deep inside her.

“I’ve got you,” Daisy said as she rushed to her friend, and wrapped her in her arms. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Rae buried her face into her friend's chest and sobbed harder, knowing nothing would ever be okay again.