Rae

 

What the hell was I thinking? Rae asked herself as she walked along the corridor towards the dance studio. It was Friday afternoon, and the school was already empty for the weekend. Rae had agreed to meet with A.J and Calum after school, deciding it would be better if there was no one around.

However, now as she walked towards the dance studio, she couldn’t help but wonder if she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life.

When she left A.J after the game, she went home and headed straight for her wardrobe. She pulled out the box she had buried in the back of her wardrobe and brought it to her bed. She held her breath as she opened the box. It was the first time in almost four years since she had looked at the contents inside.

Reaching in, Rae lifted out her dance shoes and held them against her chest, above her racing heart, as her eyes glazed over with unshed tears. She didn’t know why she was so upset, but A.J had awoken something inside her, that she thought was gone forever, and she wondered if just maybe she might find herself once more.

She had no idea why she had agreed to help the kid, but there was something in his eyes when they talked about him being a star player and how he would go all the way, that pulled at Rae’s heart.

Maybe that was why A.J had asked her to go with them. Maybe he was hoping that she would see exactly what he had seen in this boy, and her heart would rule her head.

Whatever his reasons were, she was now standing in front of the door to the dance studio, and she was fairly certain she was going to be sick.

Too late to turn back now, she thought to herself miserably, as she reached for the handle of the door and pushed it open.

“You made it!” A.J said as Rae walked into the studio, and found him sitting there alone. Something in his voice told Rae that A.J wasn’t completely sure if she would turn up or not.

“I said I would be here,” Rae replied a little abruptly, and instantly regretted her tone. “I’m sorry. It’s just… this was the last place I ever imagined I would find myself. This room represents a lot of ghosts for me.”

“It’s okay,” A.J assured her. “We are both just grateful that you have agreed to do this.”

“Where’s Calum?” Rae asked as she looked around the room, allowing herself to soak in her surroundings, and try not to let thoughts of the past creep into her mind.

“He’s gone to get changed,” A.J replied, as he watched Rae closely. “He’s using the teacher’s bathroom. He was worried someone might see him if he changed in the locker room.”

“He’s really worried about what his friends will think, isn’t he?” Rae said as she walked to the ballet bar that was mounted in front of a mirrored wall. She traced her fingertips along the smooth surface and closed her eyes as a million memories crashed into her mind, and her heart raced a little faster.

“Oh,” A.J said and Rae could hear the smile in his voice. “I think you and he are probably equally as nervous as each other.”

Rae instantly opened her eyes, and she was surprised to see A.J watching her closely in the mirror.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” A.J asked as he stood up and walked slowly towards her. “I understand if you don’t. I mean, I want you to do this. I really do, but I get it.”

“You get it?” Rae asked as she turned at looked up into A.J’s eyes as he reached where she was standing. She knew right then that A.J knew about what had happened to her. He knew all about Dean; or at least everything that had been printed in the papers, and online at the time of the trial.

She instinctively ran her fingertips along the scar on her wrist and swallowed the knot that had formed in her throat.

Before she could respond, the door opened, and a petrified looking Calum stepped through the door, dressed in his dance clothes and looking a little like a rabbit caught in a set of headlights.

“I wasn’t sure of you would want to use my music,” he said as he held out his iPod to Rae, and gave her a nervous smile. “Or if you would want to use your own. But I brought this just in case.”

“I have my iPod and the dock in my bag,” Rae said as slowly the nerves that were buzzing around her stomach started to settle down a little. “I will set up the dock, and we can start with what you’ve been dancing to; you can show me what you’ve got.”

“Okay,” Calum replied with a nervous smile as he followed Rae across the room, and handed her the iPod. She quickly set it up, then stepped back to let the young boy select his music.

As Calum took his position in the middle of the room, Rae walked towards A.J, sat down next to him, and they both held their breaths as they waited for Calum to begin.

Finally the sound of Emeli Sandé, Clown began to play, and Rae instantly smiled. The boy had a good ear for music; this was a promising start.

Slowly Calum began to move in time with the music, and Rae’s smile grew bigger. This kid was something special; she could tell it almost straight away.

She leaned forward in her seat and watched as he slowly moved around the floor. Each step he took was planned and precise; each twist and turn filled with passion and meaning.

Rae held her breath as she watched this boy, and for a moment she was transported to a different time and place. To a moment in her life when her world hadn’t been broken down, and there was nothing but her and her love of dance.

By the time the last note of the song played, and Calum had dropped to the floor, Rae was completely overcome with emotion.

Calum sat up and looked at Rae, as he waited nervously for her opinion.

“Jesus!” She exclaimed with a laugh as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “That was…Wow!”

“That was good, right,” an equally nervous A.J asked as he looked at Rae with confusion. “I mean, I don’t know dancing, but that was pretty good, right?”

“It was better than good,” Rae replied as she blew out a long, calming breath. “It was simply beautiful.”

“Really?” Calum asked as he climbed from the floor and walked towards Rae and A.J.

“Really,” Rae laughed as she wiped her eyes once more. “Calum, you are such a talented young man. Why are you hiding your gift from the world?”

“Because I don’t know if I’m good enough,” the boy replied with a shrug and dropped his eyes to the floor. “I don’t want my friends to laugh at me.”

“Believe me,” Rae said with a smile. “There is nothing for them to laugh at.”

“So he has what it takes for Juilliard?” A.J asked, and Rae couldn’t help but smile at the joy in his voice.

“He needs some work,” Rae replied honestly. “One or two things need to be tightened up, but I think with the right routine, and the right music; Juilliard would be mad not to jump at the chance to have Calum in their school.”

“Oh God!” Calum said as he covered his face with his hands, trying to hide his emotions. “I can’t believe it.”

“Believe it,” Rae said as she stood up and walked towards Calum. Taking hold of his hands, she pulled them down from his face. “Calum, you are so much better than you think you are. I just need you to believe in yourself.”

“So does this mean you’re going to work with him?” A.J asked hopefully.

“I guess it does,” Rae laughed, and before she had time to react, Calum wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her tightly.

“Thank you, so much,” he whispered, and Rae was stunned by just how emotional this young boy was. “I never imagined that I would find someone to help me like this.”

“This is going to take a lot of work,” Rae explained as Calum finally released her from his embrace. “It means early morning and after school. I know you have basketball practice and school work too, but if you are serious about this, you need to put the time into this too.”

“I will,” Calum replied excited as he turned to A.J and gave him a happy grin. “I don’t know how to thank you enough. Both of you.”

“Thank me by working hard,” Rae said as she smiled too. “Starting now, I need you to show me your warm up routine. We need to start from the beginning. But first, let me get changed.”

“Sure,” Calum exclaimed as he hurried to the iPod dock and changed the music.

“I can’t thank you enough for this,” A.J said quietly to Rae while Calum sorted the music.

“He is a talented kid,” Rae shrugged. “He shouldn’t hide his talent from the world.”

“Funny, I was thinking the same thing about someone else I know,” A.J said and gave Rae an uncertain smile. “It’s a shame to see someone be afraid to show the world what they are passionate about.”

“It’s not that simple,” Rae sighed, knowing he was talking about her. “I know you don’t understand, and maybe there is a part of me that doesn’t understand either. Somethings are just best left in the past.”

A.J opened his mouth to argue with Rae, but he stopped and smiled instead, before Rae stepped past him, and headed for the door to go and put her dancing clothes on.

It felt familiar yet strange to be back in her leotard and leggings. As she tied the laces on her dancing shoes, she remembered the last time she put them on. It was about six months after Dean had attacked her, and her brother Dara had convinced her it was time to get back to doing what she loved.

She remembered the smile on her brother’s face when she stepped into the middle of the dance studio. He was filled with pride as he watched her, and she felt happy to be back where she belonged.

However, the moment the music started, it felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, and every ounce of air had been sucked from her body. Rae knew that it was the song that had upset her.

It was the song she had been practicing to when Dean came to the studio to confront her. She had it on repeat, so it played over and over again, as Dean beat her. It was still playing long after he had left and she was left lying in a pool of her own blood, gasping for even the tiniest bit of air.

The moment she heard the music, it was like the last little bit of her spirit had died inside her. She looked at her brother as a hum of whispers began to spread out through the entire room. Not knowing what else she could do, she headed straight for the door and never returned to the dance floor again.

When she pulled her oversized t-shirt over her head, she stood in front of the mirror in the teacher’s bathroom; she wondered what Dara would say if he saw her right at that moment.

She smiled as she thought of her brother. She knew he would be happy to see her finally heading back into a dance studio.

Taking a deep breath, she turned and left the bathroom, then made her way back to the studio.

When she walked back into the room, A.J sat up straight and watched her as she walked back across the dance floor. It was like he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Rae felt a little self-conscious, but she tried not to focus on anything but what she needed to do to help Calum.

“Are you ready?” She asked as she stood in the middle of the floor.

“As I’ll ever be,” Calum replied as he gave her a nervous smile.

He walked to the iPod dock and hit play before he joined Rae on the dance floor.

Once more music filled the air, but this time Rae stopped Calum from time to time, correcting his posture, showing him new techniques and moves.

The whole time A.J sat in the corner, watching them closely without saying a word.

An hour and a half later, a tired Rae called it a day.

“We can pick this up Monday morning,” She said as she slumped down on a chair next to A.J. She knew it had been a long time since she had danced, but she hadn’t realised just how out of shape she was.

“This was really awesome,” Calum said as he packed up his things and shoved them into his bag. “I finally feel like this is really going to happen. Thank you, Ms. Sullivan.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Rae said and she gave him a genuine smile. She liked this kid, and she was happy that she was able to help him.

“I should go,” he said as he headed towards the door. “My mom said she would collect me, so she is probably waiting for me.”

After thanking them both once again, Calum left, leaving A.J and Rae alone once more.

Rae bent down and undid her dancing shoes; her feet ached.

“You must be tired,” A.J said as he watched Rae once again.

“I used muscles I forgot I had,” she laughed, as she pulled off her shoes.

“I bet,” A.J replied as he stood up and walked to the iPod docking station and began to pack it up. Rae watched him in silence for a moment, as her mind raced with so many thoughts.

“You know about Dean, don’t you,” Rae said without even thinking. A.J stilled for a moment and didn’t reply.

Slowly he turned to Rae, and the look on his face was completely unreadable.

“I know you do,” she continued without waiting for him to reply. “I can see it in your eyes when you look at me.”

“In my eyes?” He asked surprised by her remark.

“Pity,” Rae explained as she returned her focus to her dancing shoes. “I know the look well.”

“I don’t pity you,” A.J said as he walked back across the room and crouched down in front of Rae. “Far from it, in fact.”

“Then why do you keep pushing,” Rae asked as she allowed her eyes to meet his. “Why do you care if I dance again? Why do you care if I keep people at a safe distance?”

“I just care,” A.J replied, surprising Rae with his response. “I care a great deal about you.”

“You don’t even know me, A.J,” Rae sighed.

“I would like to,” he replied and gave her a smile.

“I’m not the girl you think I am,” Rae whispered as she looked up into A.J’s face. “Truth is, I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“Who do you want to be?” A.J asked with a warm smile.

“I don’t know that either,” Rae shrugged. “More than this hollow person I’ve become.”

“Then let me help you,” A.J said as he took her face in his hands. “Let me help fix what he has broken.”

“I don’t know that you can,” Rae whispered as suddenly tears spilled down her face.

“You don’t know until you try,” A.J smiled as he wiped her tears away.

“But I’m scared,” Rae admitted.

“Good,” A.J replied. “Because it’s when you stop being afraid, you realise you have nothing left to lose. Fear is your friend. It means you’re still alive, somewhere in there.”

He smiled at her, and Rae couldn’t help but smile back. No matter how much she tried to push this man away, she just couldn’t keep him at arms-length, and that confused her. She knew she could never have him, but still, she wanted him so much.