Rae

 

Rae stood in the arrivals hall of Dublin Airport with her brother Dara, and waited patiently for her friend to arrive. Daisy’s plane had landed a little over thirty minutes before, and she was due through the arrival doors any moment.

“Are you nervous?” Dara asked as he watched his sister closely.

“I’m not sure,” Rae shrugged. “I have always wanted to bring her here to show her where I lived; I just didn’t imagine it would be like this. She was going to come home with me in a few weeks.”

“You’re lucky to have Daisy, she’s a good friend,” Dara said as he turned his attention back to the doorway. “Once the funeral is over, you can take time out and show her around. It’s exactly what you need right now. Unless you have to get back to work.”

“No,” Rae replied quickly, not really wanting to talk about what had happened with her job. She was trying her hardest not to think about A.J or Saint Mike’s. “I’m between things at the minute.”

“I thought you were supposed to be at that Catholic school till the summer break?” Dara asked returning his attention to his sister, and then laughed sadly. “Mom was hoping it would help return you to God, whatever that means.”

“It definitely didn’t do that,” Rae sighed as she forced a smile. “It didn’t turn out like I thought it would, so I quit. It’s no big deal.”

“You quit?” Dara asked as Rae could hear the surprise in his voice. “I have never known you to quit anything, at least not since…”

Dara didn’t finish his comment, realising too late what he had said.

“It’s okay, Dara,” Rae said, giving him a reassuring smile. “You can talk about what happened. I’ve left all that crap in the past.”

“And Dean?” Dara asked giving her a worried glance. “I expect when he hears about Mom, he will be sniffing around again, knowing that you would have come home.”

“Dean McCabe doesn’t bother me anymore,” Rae replied, though she knew that wasn’t strictly true. It had crossed her mind more than once since she knew she had to come home that Dean may try and contact her, but she refused to allow him to consume her thoughts. Between losing her mom, and everything that had happened with A.J, there was no room in her mind for Dean McCabe.

“But there is something bothering you,” Dara said, and Rae knew her brother could see through her mask. “Something more than Mom.”

“It’s nothing that matters now, Dara,” Rae shrugged and gave her brother a smile. “Right now the only thing that matters to me is getting through the next few days. I will deal with the rest of the disaster that is my life when this is all over.”

“Your life is not a disaster, Rae,” Dara said as he gave her a worried look.

“Well, it sure feels like it is,” Rae sighed miserably. “But like I said, none of that matters now.”

 “Then we can talk after the funeral,” Dara replied and gave her a smile. “And we can figure out this disaster together.”

Rae smiled and nodded, before they both turned their attention back to the door in front of them, as people started to emerge from the automatic doors.

“I think this could be her flight now,” Dara said, and Rae couldn’t help but pick up the hint of excitement in her brother’s voice. She knew he liked Daisy. When he had come to visit the summer before, they seemed to click, but Rae never thought anything of it; but now looking at her brother, she could see there was definitely something there, and it made perfect sense to her now.

Rae smiled to herself as she turned back to the door. Finally, she spotted Daisy coming through the exit, and Rae’s smile widened. It hadn’t even been forty-eight hours since she had last seen her, but she missed her friend.

The minute Daisy spotted Rae, she screamed and dropped her bags, before she ran to her friend and hugged her tightly.

“You made it,” Rae said as she returned her hug. “I can’t believe you are actually here.”

“Neither can I!” Daisy said as she held her friend at arm’s length. “How are you holding up, Sweetie?”

“Okay, I guess,” Rae said as she tried her best to seem happier than she was actually feeling.

“You’re not fooling me,” Daisy whispered as she hugged her friend once more. “But I’m here now, and I will do whatever it takes to get you through this.”

“I know you will,” Rae said as she hugged her friend tighter. “And I love you so much for being here.”

When she finally let Daisy go, she looked at her brother and gave him a knowing grin. The smile on his face was priceless, and Rae knew this was something she would ask him about later.

“Dara, you remember Daisy,” Rae said knowing that it was a stupid question.

“Of course,” Dara said as he gave Daisy a killer smile, and Rae could see her brother was very taken with her friend. “It’s lovely to see you again, Daisy.”

“You too, Dara,” Daisy replied, and she gave him a hug too. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Dara replied as Daisy released him from her embrace. “And thank you for coming all this way. I know how much you being here, means to Rae.”

“Of course,” Daisy said as Dara picked up her suitcase, and they all headed for the exit. “I had to be here for my girl. After everything that has happened the last few days, she needs to have her friends around her.”

“Everything that has happened?” Dara asked, and Rae groaned inside her head. The last thing she needed was Daisy adding to Dara’s concerns. “Why, what else has happened?”

“Oh… um, nothing,” Daisy replied but sounded far from convincing. She gave Rae an apologetic smile. “Just, you know… your mom and all.”

Dara stopped and looked from his sister to Daisy and raised his eyebrows.

“If you two think that you are fooling me,” Dara shook his head and sighed. “You’re not. I will let this, whatever this is, go for now. But I am not letting it go for good. One of you will tell me the truth; of that, you can be sure.”

Dara stared at Rae for a moment, before he continued out towards the exit.

“Sorry,” Daisy mouthed over to Rae so that Dara couldn’t hear her. Rae just smiled, but inside she wanted to cry. Dara was not going to let this go. Not now.

On the drive back to their parents’ house, Daisy and Dara chatted away to each other in the front of the car. Dara pointed out different places along the way once they left the M50, adding a few stories about Rae along the way that had Daisy in tears of laughter. Rae sat in the back seat, lost in her thoughts.

She wondered where A.J was right at that moment. She wondered what he would do if he knew about her mom. Would he come to be with her, or would he stay the hell away just like she had told him to? Rae wasn’t sure she wanted to know what the answer to that question was.

She had been so angry with him the night he told her that he was leaving and she said such cruel, horrible things to him. Rae knew now that she hadn’t meant a word of it but she was hurt and she lashed out. She wished now that she could just take it all back, but once words are spoken, you can’t unsay them.

Rae knew she had messed everything up, and now she only had herself to blame. She closed her eyes and sunk further into the back seat, wishing she could just disappear forever.

When they reached the house, Rae took Daisy up to the room that she would be staying in.

“Are you sure it’s okay with your dad that I stay,” Daisy asked as she sat down on the bed, and looked at her friend. “I can go to a hotel.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Rae sighed as she sat down next to her. “Of course my dad wants you to stay here. Besides, I need you here if I am going to survive this nightmare.

“How are you really holding up sweetie?” Daisy asked as she sat forward and took hold of her friend’s hand. “And don’t say you’re okay because you are far from okay.”

“I honestly don’t know, Daisy,” Rae replied honestly. “My head feels like such a mess. I know that I need to be strong for my dad, but I miss her so much, and I just can’t get my head around what is happening. I just want her back.”

“I know you do, sweetie,” Daisy sighed as she gave her hand a squeeze. “And what about A.J?”

“I can’t even think about him right now,” Rae whispered as tears danced in her eyes. “I need to just get through the next few days, and then maybe I can finally deal with how epically I fucked things up with A.J.”

“But maybe you haven’t…” Daisy began, but before she could finish. There was a soft tap on the door.

“Rae,” Dara said through the door.

“Come in,” she called out to her brother.

“Sorry for disturbing you,” Dara replied as he opened the door and stepped into the room. “But Dad asked if you could help him pick out something to wear to the funeral home today. He said he wants to look his best for Mom, and that you would know what he should wear.”

“Okay,” Rae nodded as she climbed from the bed, and headed towards the door.

“What time are you going to the funeral home?” Daisy asked as she too stood up.

“I think we’re leaving at ten a.m.,” Rae replied as she stopped next to the door and looked back at her friend. “But if you need to get some rest…”

“I slept on the plane,” Daisy replied with a smile. “I got a sleeping tablet from one of the doctors, and I slept the entire flight. So I’m all yours today.”

“Thanks, Daisy,” Rae replied, grateful for her friend's support. “You’re the best.”

“But later, when we come back,” Daisy said as she walked towards her friend. “There is something I need to tell you. So maybe we can have a chat.”

“Is everything okay?” Rae asked, concerned by her friend remark. “Because if you need to talk now…”

“God, no, honestly” Daisy replied and gave her friend a smile. “It will keep till later. Now, go help your dad.”

“Okay,” Rae said giving her friend a half smile. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m certain,” Daisy replied.

Rae stared at her for a moment before she turned and went to look for her father. Her curiosity was piqued, but right now, she just needed to focus on what the day ahead held.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Rae whispered to Dara as she stopped at the doorway to the room where her mother was laid out.

“It’s okay,” he said as he wrapped his arm around her. “I’ll be with you, so there is nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid,” Rae said as she lifted her head and looked up at her brother. “I just don’t know if I can see Mom like this. She was always smiling; always happy. How can I remember her like that, if I see her cold, lifeless body?”

“You don’t have to go in, if you don’t want to,” Dara replied, before he turned to his brothers, and their father. “You go ahead in. I think Rae just needs a moment.”

Gerry gave Rae a worried look, but Dara gave him a reassuring smile, and Gerry nodded before he turned and continued into the room, leaving Dara standing outside with Rae and Daisy.

“Are you okay, sweetie,” Daisy asked as she reached for Rae’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I just can’t do it, Daisy,” Rae whispered as tears trickled down her face. “I can’t go in there, and see her like that. I just can’t.”

“You don’t have to, Angel,” Daisy said, taking her face in her hands. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“It’s okay whatever you want to do,” Dara added. “None of this is written in stone. If you don’t think you can go in, you don’t have to.”

“Thank you,” Rae said and gave him a warm smile through her tears.

“Dara,” Daisy said as she gave him a knowing smile. “Why don’t you go in and see your mom? I will stay here with Rae, and make sure she’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” Dara asked looking from Daisy to his sister.

“I’m sure,” Daisy nodded and gave him another smile. Dara stared at Rae for a moment, before he slowly turned and followed his dad and brothers into the room where their mother was, as Daisy led Rae to a couple of seats across the room.

“So what’s really going on?” Daisy asked her friend once they were seated.

“I just don’t know if I want to see her like this,” Rae said giving her friend a sad smile, as hot tears burned her eyes. “If I go in there, then all of this is really happening. She is gone, and I will never see her smile, or hear her laugh again. I don’t know if I can survive in a world that my mother is no longer part of.”

“But she is part of it,” Daisy replied with a smile. “She is in you, and she is in your brothers. Every time you laugh, she will be with you. Every time you cry, she will be with you, too. As long as you keep her in your heart, she will be with you forever, Rae.”

“I just miss her,” Rae whispered as once more fresh tears trickled down her face.

“I know you do, sweetie,” Daisy sighed. “And you always will. But that’s the price we pay for loving someone so damn much. They have the power to break our hearts, but they are worth every tear.”

Rae looked at her friend, and she knew that she was talking about her and A.J too. And it was true; she missed him more than she ever imagined it was possible. She wished so much he was there with her right at that exact moment.

“So,” Daisy said, pulling her from her thoughts. “We can stay here, and wait for your dad, and your brothers to come out. Or, you can go in there and say goodbye to your mom, and tell her that while you’re going to miss her, you’re going to be okay and that you will make her proud.”

“I want to go say goodbye,” Rae said as she smiled through her tears.

Daisy stood up, and held out her hand to her friend, and gave her a smile as she took hold of it.

“We are going to get you through this,” Daisy said as she led Rae to the door. “I give you my word.”