A.J

 

A.J sat in the small chapel that was on the grounds of the retreat in San Diego, and stared at the altar in front of him. As hard as he tried to focus his thoughts, the only thing he could think about was Rae. He had played the events of the day before over and over in his head, and he just couldn’t make any sense of them.

He knew she was going to be upset about him leaving, but he hadn’t counted on her reacting as she had. The look of hurt on her face was the only thing he could see every time he closed his eyes. The things she said to him, played over in his mind, and each time he remembered her words, his heart broke a little bit more.

She said she hated him because he had broken her heart. That was the hardest part of it all. He had let her down, and he knew it. Now he didn’t know if he could ever make it right.

When he left her apartment, he turned to go back to her so many times, but each time he thought of some other lame reason not to do it. The truth was, he was afraid to face her, and hear her tell him that he was just too late. Still, leaving her was singularly the hardest thing A.J had ever had to do, and now he felt beyond broken.

When Stan gave him the ultimatum, his first instinct was there was no way in hell he was leaving her; not even for a day. But the tiny doubt he had in the back of his head, suddenly came screaming to the forefront of his mind. What if he wasn’t enough for her?

If he had just walked away from being who he was, he would have lost everything. His home, his job, his entire world and that scared him more than he was able to admit.

He loved his life at Saint Mike’s, but he would have gladly given it all up for Rae. He just wasn’t sure what else he had to offer her, other than his heart.

The more he thought about it, the more he reasoned that if he could save his job at Saint Mike’s, the better it would be for everyone. Now, of course, he realised that none of that really mattered anymore. She was all he wanted, but he was too stupid and weak to stand up for them. He was scared of the unknown, and it had cost him everything.

When he got back to his house, he sat down and wrote her a letter, trying to explain why he had to do what he was doing. But as he wrote the words on the page, it all seemed so ridiculous and unimportant now, A.J knew he had made a colossal mistake, and it was one he would regret till his last breath.

Rae was what he wanted; it was always her.

So A.J had tried to call her, but she refused to answer his calls. He tried texting her, pleading with her to just hear what he had to say, but she never once replied. In his heart, he knew the right thing to do was go back to her apartment and talk to her face to face; but he was afraid that she would slam the door in his face, and that was more than he could bear. He wish that he just wasn’t so awful at relationships, but this was all very new territory for him, and he had no idea what his next move should be.

By the time Stan came to take him to the airport, A.J was completely and utterly broken. He loved her so much, but he had handled things so badly, and now it was just too late.

Suddenly, going to San Diego seemed like the only choice he had. But now he knew it was the wrong choice.

He released a deep breath and stood up. Praying was not the answer, none of this was. He needed to talk to Rae, he needed to tell her what he was feeling without her slamming the door in his face. Making his way back to his tiny room at the retreat, A.J decided that he would try to write her another letter. He could tell her exactly what he was feeling, and pray to God that she would read it.

Sitting down at the small table in the corner of his room, he pulled out some paper and a pen. He stared at the paper for what felt like the longest time, having no clue where to start. The only words he could think to write was, I love you, but somehow those words seemed too small now. He needed something more; he needed to tell her everything that was in his soul.

A.J closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he looked at the paper once more, and suddenly it all became clear what he needed to say.

A.J walked down the steps of the main building, and up the street until he reached the mailbox that was on the corner. He stood at the mailbox and stared down at the letter that was in his hands. He had told her everything that he wanted to say; everything he should have said when he was back in her apartment.

He closed his eyes and imagined Rae right at that moment. He longed to see her so much; he could barely breathe. It had only been a little over twenty-four hours, but it felt like a life time to A.J. He loved her, but more than that, he needed her. She was his reason to breathe, and without her, he felt like he was suffocating.

Opening his eyes once more, he looked down at the letter in his hand, and he knew what he needed to do.

He pushed the letter back into his pocket and turned back towards the main building. This was all wrong. He didn’t belong there, he belonged with her, and that was exactly where he was going.

It was late again A.J reached Rae’s apartment. Getting a flight at such short notice had proved to be harder than he thought it would be, but after a long day of travelling, he finally made it.

As he stood there at the door, he knew there was a very real chance that she would tell him to go to hell, but he was already in hell and nothing could save him now; nothing except Rae.

He took a deep breath, knocked on the door, and waited. When there was no answer, he checked his watch. It was almost eleven p.m., so he was sure that Rae would have been home. He knocked again, this time a little harder. A couple of moments later, he heard Daisy’s voice grumbling through the door.

“I’m coming, for God’s sake, I’m coming,” she groaned as she undid the locks and chains on the door. When she opened the door and saw A.J stand there, she froze for a moment.

“I know you’re probably as mad at me as Rae is,” he blurted out quickly before she could slam the door in his face. “I know that I have messed up. I’ve handled things so badly, and for that, I will never be able to forgive myself. Trust me when I tell you, there is nothing you could say to me, that I haven’t already said to myself. But I love her, Daisy. I love her so much that I can barely breathe without her. I know she hates me right now, and I know she told me never to come back, but I need to talk to her. I need to tell her that she was right, and I was wrong. I should have stayed here and fought for us. But I’m here now. I am ready to fight. I just need her to let me explain.”

“A.J, she’s gone,” Daisy said as she gave him a sad smile.

“What do you mean, she’s gone!” A.J asked, as a sickening feeling formed in the pit of his stomach. “Gone where?”

“Home,” Daisy replied. “Back to Ireland. Her flight was at six o’clock this evening.”

“She…she left!” A.J repeated as what little hope he had left inside him, had all but vanished now. “I don’t understand. Why would she do that?”

“You’d better come in,” Daisy said as she stepped back, and allowed A.J into the apartment.

Daisy made A.J a coffee, then told him what had happened with Rae’s mother, and how she had left immediately to be with her father and her brothers. For a moment, A.J just stared at Daisy, and his mind raced as the realisation of what had happened hit him.

At the very moment that Rae had needed him, he wasn’t there. He had left her. How was he ever going to be able to make up for this?

“I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear,” Daisy said as she gave A.J a said smile. “But for what it’s worth, I know her leaving had nothing to do with you.”

“I guess she probably didn’t even think about me,” A.J sighed. “Why would she? I let her down.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Daisy sighed as she stood up and walked around the kitchen table to where A.J was sitting. “The things Rae said to you; she was hurt, and she was angry, but you know she didn’t mean them.”

“Didn’t she?” A.J asked as he let his eyes meet hers.

“You know she didn’t,” Daisy replied. “A.J, she loves you so much. More than she even knows herself. It’s why she was so angry with you. You just need to give her a little time, and some space. Right now, she isn’t in a good place. But I know she will come back, and when she does, you will be here waiting for her.”

“I hope you’re right,” A.J said as he slowly stood up. “I should be going. Thank you, Daisy.”

“What for?” She asked as she too stood up.

“For not slamming the door in my face,” he said and gave her a grateful smile.

“You’re not a bad man, A.J,” Daisy replied, then added with a laugh. “An idiot! But not a bad man. Things will work themselves out.”

“I hope so,” He sighed as he turned and made his way out of the kitchen, and back to the front door.

“I’m flying out to Dublin in the morning,” Daisy said, stopping him in his tracks, just as he reached the door. “There was only one seat on the plane, so Rae went ahead alone.”

“You’re going there tomorrow?” A.J asked as he longed to go too. He wanted to follow Rae, but he didn’t know if that was the right thing for him to do.

“Yes,” Daisy confirmed. “I know she is with her family, but I really don’t think she should have to go through this alone. Rae is more like my sister than my real sisters are.”

“I’m glad she has you,” A.J sighed as he turned back towards the door.

“Do you want me to give her a message?” Daisy asked stopping him once more.

A.J thought for a moment. There was so much he wanted to say, but he had no idea where to begin. Then he remembered the letter in his pocket. He hesitated for a moment before he reached into his pocket and pulled it out.

“Can you give her this?” He asked as he held it out to Daisy. “Tell her I am here whenever she needs me.”

Daisy took the letter from his hand, and gave him another smile before A.J turned and walked out the door.

A.J reached up and knocked on the door he was standing in front of. He knew it was probably too late now to be knocking at anyone’s door; it was already after midnight, but he didn’t know where else to go.

Finally, A.J heard the locks on the door being opened, and he held his breath as he waited for Stan to open the door.

“A.J!” Stan yawned when he opened the door. “I can’t say I’m surprised to see you here.”

“I know you don’t understand, Stan,” A.J sighed as he looked at the man he had thought of as his father most of his life. “But I love her. I love her with everything that is in my heart and my soul. I just can’t live without her.”

I know,” Stan replied as he stepped back. “I guess you’d better come in.”

Stan led A.J into his study. A room he knew all too well from when he grew up, living in this very house. Stan took a seat in one of the armchairs, next to the smoldering embers of the fire, and A.J took the one facing him. A.J told him about Rae’s mother, and the fact she had returned to Dublin. Stan listened without speaking.

“So,” Stan said finally when A.J finished telling him everything, as he sat back in his chair. “What are you going to do now?”

“Honestly,” A.J shrugged as he turned his gaze to the dying fire in the heart of the fireplace. “I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if she will ever forgive me, but I need to try.”

“You know it’s going to be hard to get the bishop to understand what you have done,” Stan said, as he gave A.J a worried look.

“I know,” A.J nodded. “But this is what I want.”

“I know it is,” Stan said as he set forward. “I knew from the moment you blurted out that you loved her in my office. I just needed you to know it too.”

“I don’t understand,” A.J replied, as he gave Stan a questioning look.

“A.J,” Stan sighed. “Do you remember the night before you left for the seminary?”

“I do,” A.J replied, and he gave him a smile. “You asked me not to go through with it.”

“I did,” Stan said. “I believed that you were only doing it because you made some stupid promise to God when you were at your weakest. But you insisted it was what you wanted, and nothing I said could change your mind.”

“I remember,” A.J replied, as he remembered the fight they had the night before he left to become a priest.

“A.J, I knew back then that this life was truly not for you,” Stan continued. “I have always known it. Yes, you are one of the best and most dedicated teachers I know, but I knew you were never truly happy living a life of solitude.”

“I thought I was,” A.J sighed. “I never imagined any other life for myself. I thought I would always keep my vows, at least I did till I met Rae.”

“I know,” Stan replied. “And that’s why I sent you away. I know you A.J. Sometimes I know you better than you know yourself. You had doubts, I could see it in your eyes.”

“I never doubted that I loved Rae,” A.J insisted, and Stan smiled.

“That I know,” he replied. “The doubt that I saw was doubt in you. You were too close to the situation to see that it was the right thing to do. You didn’t believe you were enough, and that doubt would have consumed you. I thought once you took yourself out of the equation, everything would become clearer to you. I guess I just hadn’t expected Rae to react the way she had, and for that I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” A.J sighed. “I handled things so badly.”

“Well I think Rae sees it a little differently,” Stan replied with a chuckle. “She came to see me, and she told me exactly what she thought of me. She was so angry with me. She said that she trusted me, and I let her down. She said that I let you both down, that I had turned my back on you when you needed me the most.”

“She said that?” A.J asked, stunned that she would defend him after everything he had done to her.

“Did I let you down, A.J?” Stan asked as he gave him a worried look. “Did I make a mistake sending you away?”

“You could never let me down, Stan,” A.J assured the man sitting in front of him. “You did what you thought was the right thing to do.”

“I just want you to be happy,” Stan shrugged. “That’s all I have ever wanted for you.”

“She makes me happy,” A.J said with a sad smile. “Or at least she did. Now she is so far away, and it is killing me not being able to see her. I should be with her right now, right when she needs me most.”

“Then why are you sitting here?” Stan asked, giving him another smile.

“Because I am afraid she won’t want me,” A.J admitted.

“A.J, there is only one way to find out,” Stan smiled. “If you want her, go get her son.”

“You’re right,” A.J said as he stood up. “That’s what I need to do.”